Bad mommy! Bad mommy!

Well that is what I get for blogging about the wonderfulness of preschoolers. I should have touched wood. Background: My parents are out of town for several days. I am off of school for several days. Isaac and I had a fun day together. We really, really did. But... To put it bluntly, it takes it tolls on you being the only person capable of fulfilling Isaac's many, many, many needs. And in a few short weeks this will be everyday forever life once we move out. And that really freaks me out to the point that I am getting started getting panicky and welling up with tears whenever I really start to think about how broke and alone and isolated I will be with no one who is over the age of four to converse with on a regular basis. I know motherhood is noble and all that but sometimes it just feels so thankless. "Thanks mom, for cleaning up that pee puddle in front of the toilet for 30th time today." "Thanks mom, for making me ten different things for dinner, although I refused all of them. Thanks for trying to make sure I eat something remotely nutritious today." "Thanks mom, for picking up the 800 pieces of train track up for the 40th time today while I was busy turning over a potted plant in the dining room." Isn't that an awful way to feel? It just makes me feel guilty that I can deal with other people's difficult children all day long at work, but more than 36 hours of being all alone with my own child leaves me ready to tear out my hair. I really don't know how stay at home mom's do it. My hat seriously, seriously goes off to you. Here's another deep dark confession (while I am airing out dirty laundry): although it was horrendously difficult and guilt inducing to leave Isaac at a daycare center at ten weeks old, a tiny part of me was excited, because it made me feel like I could be a real person to leave the house and go to work again after living in my pajamas for 2 plus months.... I know, I'm going straight to hell. And I know, most people think my child will be psychologically damaged as a result of going to daycare at such a young age (not that it was in any way optional at that point in my life). I think I must be missing the Mormon gene that helps you view the drudgery and isolation of motherhood as something to be cherished and put on a pedestal. If this was my life day after day, after day, I would honestly be clinically depressed. I'm only speakly for myself. I don't think other women should feel the same as me; I'm not on some anti-stay at home mom soapbox. I am just being honest about my own situation. I guess that is the sanity saving thing about single parenthood going hand in hand with the need to work like crazy to pay for everything that two people need. Although juggling single parenthood with a (highly stressful and time consuming) job is a precarious balancing act that one can never come close to mastering, at least it creates an opportunity for adult interaction and the chance to get out of the house for a bit. That is why it rubs me the wrong way to sit in Relief Society (Mormon women's organization) and hear someone say that they are "basically a single mom" while their husband is studying hard for dental school finals/working long hours at a well paying job/away frequently on business trips. No. You are NOT basically a single mom. Because sooner or later you have someone by your side again who is just as invested as you are in raising your little one. Who is sitting beside you in bed. Who is (most likely) working to put food on your table and paying your bills. Who probably talks and converses with you a couple of times a day. Who might occasionally watch your children while you do something fun. (EDITED TO ADD - exceptions would be wives of men in the military. I do not object to someone refering to herself that way while her husband is deployed) I guess that is the hardest thing about motherhood for me-- it's so isolating. Although I have an amazing family who have given me immeasurable support in raising Isaac, I just feel so alone. It's very hard to relate to the girls my age with kids who are happily married. It's hard to relate to my single friends who have tons of money and are able to live a life that involves spontanaeity. Sometimes I really just feel like I am all alone on my own little island with no one out there who understands me or is like me. Well, I am not entirely sure who reads this blog anyways. If anyone does and you made it through this monster of a post, I am sure I have both horrified and offended you. But I don't apoligize. It is my blog after all. And I am sure I will feel better tomorrow when Grandma returns. =)