Encouragement for the Week

Mothers truly are the greatest force in the world!

Trying to remember...

 

 

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down.

Without the rain, there would be no rainbow....

Gilbert K. Chesterton

Bring it to the table, bring what I am able

Firstly, in the spirit of fairness, I should feel like I should disclose that Isaac's dad DID show up yesterday after work. And I gave them some ideas on what to do to entertain themselves and then went upstairs and did my own thing, instead of lingering around trying to facilitate interactions. So that was good.

Secondly, what the heck is going on with Blogger? The spacing and formatting keys have been messed up for weeks now. Spell checker doesn't work. What the heck?! I'm getting tired of formatting everything myself with html. Get your act together Blogger!!!!

Anyways, onto what I really want to talk about. After watching The Human Experience, I was feeling really bummed. I was so inspired to, like, go to Calcutta and work amongst the impoverished. I was feeling rather discouraged because I'm not someone, like my sister, that gets called on to drop everything and go to places like North Carolina, and just get busy serving humanity where there is a huge need. I want to do something service oriented that feels really important.

Anyways, yesterday was the culmination of the a big food drive I helped organize at church for the North Coventry Food Bank. We met to load up everything and bring it all over to the pantry. There is a couple who is called to work with the YSAs and he is a night manager for Target. He arranged for Target to donate all of their damaged stuff from the month of April to the pantry. I expected a few ripped boxes of trash bags and maybe a couple of cases of toilet paper. He showed up with a *huge* truck load of diapers, paper towels, sandwich bags, laundry detergent, baby wipes, and cleaning supplies. This was in addition to the food that we had been able to collect from the congregation. We met the lady at the food pantry and unloaded it all.

I had spoken with her on a phone a few times to make arrangements but I didn't know where the pantry was. Turns out, it is less than 3 minutes away from where I live-- just a little storage room in the basement of the township building. She was so appreciative and sweet. She said that they never get significant donations this time of year and that she was overwhelmed by the amount that we had brought her.

Times are tough for everyone, and money is always tight for me. My budget is so tight that any unexpected expense feels like an emergency. But I have so much to be grateful for. I have never had a situation where I didn't have food to eat or put on the table for Isaac. I also have a supportive family who I know I could turn to if my financial situation ever became truly dire. It was very humbling to think that there are 90 families in my immediate area who depend on the foodbank to get by. The whole experience reminded me of a quote I heard once by C.S. Lewis. I tried to find it to share it exactly, but I can't find it. Anyways, it was essentially saying that one of the tricks of the devil is to let you think that you can only be effective if you are providing relief to people across the world, and thus you ignore the needs of people right under your own nose-- pretty much my exact attitude.

Not to toot my own horn here (too much) but I guess it was just a nice little affirmation. I may not be able to volunteer in an orphanage in Ghana like my sister, but I *can* do things that are important to people who live right around me. I organized an effort that filled up the food pantry that is right in my own backyard. That food might end up on the tables of kids in Isaac's class. Hopefully in the summer when my schedule open's up a bit more I can devote some more time to helping out there or at the Cluster of Religious Communities in Pottstown. It's so easy to get trapped in that self centered mindset of "me, me, me". I really want to make a concerted effort to try to focus on others' needs.

Anyways, that's all for now. Spring break is over and back to the grind of the school year. I just need to push on a little longer until June.

LOVED this

Last night I watched another documentary on Netflix, this one called "The Human Experience". It was a film about two brothers who had rough upbringings in New York City, who are trying to find the answers to life's fundamental questions "Who am I?" "Why am I here?" "Why is there suffering?" "What common threads of humanity link us together across cultures, race, and zip codes".

They spend a week in New York City in February living among the homeless. They spend time with the lost children in Peru (a segment I don't think any person could make it through without bawling) and then the film ends with them visiting a leper colony in Ghana. In between there is really uplifting and inspiring commentary by priests, rabbis, philosophers and humanitarians. The film also has plenty of happy joyful moments that provide a nice balance to all of the suffering that is shown.

The trailer kind of takes makes it look over the top cheesey, but it wasn't cheesey, it was so inspiring!

Definitely, definitely recommend.

This is pretty all over the place, but here goes....

Last week my brother Tom offered to take Isaac to the car show with him. I had been couped up in the house due to snow for almost 24 hours so I jumped at the chance for Isaac to do something fun. I took advantage of his four hour absence by meeting up with my friend for dinner. We ended up gossiping getting caught up about mutual friends. One of our friends is embarking on a relationship that feels very deja vu. Lots of the same elements of her previous one. Of course, it's always easy to look at someone else and say, "Well gosh, here's the problem. Why can't they see it?" My friend made that very observation and we laughed about how her pattern until she met her current husband was dating guys that later came out of the closet. Then of course the conversation turned to me. I shared with her how I have been talking a lot to old college boyfriend and how I think I am just swept up in the nostalgia of old times. My friend pointed out that she has a hard time keeping him straight because like PDH and summer dating guy, he is also in a weird transition point in his life, and not looking for a relationship. She gets them all mixed up. Clearly this is my pattern. I find guys who for various reasons are unable or unwilling to be in a relationship. And then I can't let them go. Why am I so stuck on picking at the past and rehashing it? Why do I stay in touch with people who clearly need to go? Why do I keep revisiting these relationships just to reaffirm that it is still a square peg I'm trying to jam in a round hole?

It's taken me about 37 days, but I finally decided what I want my word of the year to be for 2011:

forward

For the longest time time I had a goal I was working toward, moving my life towards. After I had Isaac, it was finishing school. I had to push on until I got that master's degree, that teaching credential, to move past the stopping point in my career where I found myself hopelessly stuck. Then it was kindergarten. Keep on saving money and living with my parents till Isaac got to kindergarten. Even once I ended up getting my own place, kindergarten still seemed to be the big milestone I was working towards. Keep shuttling him back and forth from my parents to the daycare center till he got to kindergarten. Now I feel a bit aimless. I know what I want next in my life, but it feels out of my control.

I need to really look at my life and re-examine my goals. I need stop sitting at home in a pile of self pity googling my exs, and reading e-mails that are years old. I need something to work towards. I need something to keep pushing on for. I just feel like right now I am stuck in the past. Stuck in the same ruts. Ignoring the same issues.

In really thinking about this I have concluded that maybe I can't go forward on my own. I've been seriously considering going back to a therapist again. I saw a therapist the whole time I was pregnant. For those of you who have no experience to draw on of therapy, let me tell you, it's not what you might picture from what you've gleaned from TV. You're not lying an a couch staring into a swirling black and white circle while an old white man chewing on a pipe says "Tell me about your feelings".

**

My experience was this: she was a hippy dippy kind of lady who I called by her first name. Her office was in the back of a yoga studio in a big barn. The doorway across from her was a room where people got massages. She would put on a white noise machine while we talked. She had crystals hanging from the ceiling. We would sit in arm chairs across from one another and we would talk about stress and drama of my pregnancy. At the time, it seemed everyone in my life had a personal stake in what was happening, and she was this totally objective person who would say "I don't think you are a bad person."

Anyways, I've recognized a few mild signs of depression and especially anxiety over the past year or so and thought that maybe it might be time to go back. I've been resistant though. Not because of a perceived stigma. I could care less about that. I subscribe to the theory that everyone in the whole world can benefit from therapy. I've been hesitant mostly because really committing yourself to therapy means forcing yourself to do real work. To dig up things that you've buried. To process and work through things you would rather avoid. To confront things that are scary. To ask yourself questions that are hard. To have someone challenge beliefs and ideas about yourself that you have always had. To commit to making changes. It's not generally a quick process or really an easy one.

Anyways, I still believe that I can have it all (my slogan from last year). But maybe it's time to accept the fact that I might not be on course to have it all if I stay stuck in the ruts I've been in.

It's scary.

But I feel like it's necessary.

I'm looking forward.

So there you go.

**I also feel like there is a big stigma within the LDS culture about going to therapy. There is a belief that it is something you should power through with prayer and scripture study or have a few discussions with the Bishop. The Bishop may be well meaning, but he is not equipped to help you deal with depression or anxiety. Also, some people believe that you should only see an LDS therapist or someone through LDSFS. Unless you live in the west, it will be nearly impossible to find an LDS therapist. As for LDSFS, I don't recommend them for anything, ever. However, I don't think LDS people should be afraid to talk to a non-LDS therapist. My experience was a very positive one. She was extremely respectful of my values and beliefs, even as they continuously played into our discussions. She never pushed me to question what I believed. Just sayin'

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” - Mary Anne Radmacher

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.

-- Emily Dickinson

Thursday night your stockings needed mending...

It feels like a while since I have had a real everyday kinda post. There isn't too much to say. Life keeps plugging along. For the most part, everything is going well, which is a relief, but doesn't make for exciting blog material. Sunday I drove all the way out to the Northeast to hear Elder Cristofferson, a member of the 12, who was doing a special young single adult fireside (which was suspiciously filled with old people, and tons of kids, but whatever). One part of his address which stuck out to me was he spoke about how President Monson has always been an apostle of compassion and how we should in our own ways become apostles of compassion. He said "Don't worry that you can't do it all for everyone, don't hold back on what you can do, do what you can and that is enough." (Except probably not in a run-on sentence like that, but that is what I had in my notes). That remark pierced me because I have been thinking about that kind of stuff so much lately. He also gave a special blessing on the saints in this area which included (among other things) a greater capacity to do good, and a blessing that we would always have food on the table whatever may come, with enough for our needs and some to share to help others. I found both of those promises to be very comforting. Isaac declared the other morning that "I just love kindergarten!". His teacher is very creative and nice and she seems like a singer! Isaac will often burst into an adorable song that he has picked up there. He seems to be doing a little better socially in kindergarten than he did in pre-K. We have conferences just before Thanksgiving break, and I am really looking forward to it. He is starting to recognize sight words and try to sound out and spell words which is so exciting. I was a pretty reserved child and reading was a huge part of my childhood. I hope Isaac loves reading as much as I do. It's almost my birthday. I will 29 years old, which is pretty crazy. As per usual, I will work a 12 plus hour day on my birthday due to parent conferences. Boooo. We are also doing a family dinner and hopefully I will get to do fun stuff with friends too. We'll see. It's my last year in my 20s, so I feel like I should really do it up, although I keep hearing 30 is the new 20. I guess we will see. We both had dentist appointments today. Isaac did very well and had no cavities. The dentist did remark that he has the largest set of baby teeth she has ever seen. The other dentist in the practice (who is actually her husband) said the same thing last time around. Isaac inherited all my super weird physical traits, like freakishly colossal cuspids. It was super cute too when dentist asked his name he said "Isaac: I-S-A-A-C". It's sad that at five he already understands that most people have no clue how to spell his name and that he better just get it out of the way and give people the correct spelling right off the bat. Anyways, my dental prognosis was not so good. The tooth that has been killing me since June was officially declared an absessed tooth worthy of a root canal by a specialist. So I'm totally looking forward to that -- NOT. Anyways, I don't have much more to say. Hope things are well for you. If you are reading this, leave a comment. What's new where you are?

bam

Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition, is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit you could possibly have.

--Dale Carnegie

what it boils down to

"If a child is given love, he becomes loving... If he's helped when he needs help, he becomes helpful. And if he has been truly valued at home... he grows up secure enough to look beyond himself to the welfare of others." -- Joyce Brothers, 1974

art

A friend posted this on facebook and I LOVED it. Why can't I embrace that attitude more?

Non-Fiction

I just finished Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to fight Terrorism and Build Nations... One School at a Time by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin. It seems a logical pick for today's topic of a non-fiction book.

It was a great read, although it took me quite a while to get through it. It is heavy on Pakastani and Afganistani geography, customs, etc., which sometimes slowed down the pace of reading. But at it's core, it's a book about one man who is changing the world by devoting himself to educating women in one of the wildest parts of the world. I have been pondering a lot this summer how one person can really make a difference and this book really helped provoke a lot of interesting introspection.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book:

"After attending a conference of development experts in Bangladesh, Mortenson decided CAI schools should educate students only up to the fifth grade and focus on increasing the enrollment of girls. 'Once you educate the boys, they tend to leave the village and go search for work in the cities,' explained Mortenson. 'But the girls stay home, become leaders in the community, and pass on what they've learned. If you really want to change a culture, to empower women, improve basic hygiene and health care, and fight high rates of infant mortality, the answer is to educate girls."

p.209 (emphasis added)

"In times of war, you often hear our leaders -- Christian, Jewish and Muslim-- saying, 'God is on our side.' But it isn't true. In war, God is on the side of the refugees, widows and orphans."

p. 239

"'I request America to look within our hearts,' Abbas continued, his voice straining with emotion, "and see that the great majority of us are not terrorists, but good and simple people. Our land is sticken with poverty because we are without education. But today, another candle of knowledge has been lit. In the name of Allah the Almighty, may it light our way out of the darkness we find ourselves in."

p. 257

"Mortenson urged Finley's readers not to lump all Muslim's together. The Afghan children flocking to refugee camps were victims, Mortenson argued, deserving of our sympathy.... The only way we can defeat terrorism is if people in this country where terrorists exist learn to love and respect Americans' Mortenson concluded, 'and if we can respect and love the people here. What's the difference between them becoming a productive local citizen or a terrorists? I think the key is education."

p. 258

"He likens Mortenson's returning to post 9/11 Pakistan, two months before Daniel Pearl's kidnapping and beheading, to New York City's firefighters rushing into the wounded World Trade Center. 'When Greg wins the Nobel Peace Prize, I hope the judges in Oslo point to that day,' Shimanski says. 'This guy Greg quietly, doggedly, heading back into a war zone to do battle with the real causes of terror is every bit as heroic as those fireman running up the stairs of those burning towers while everyone else was frantically trying to get out. "

p.273

love this

I saw this tree in Rittenhouse Square this past weekend when running around with my girlfriends. So I googled the story. Thoughts?

words can't bring me down

Sure it's cheesey, but haven't you ever heard this on the radio and totally belted it out?

Affirmation of the Week

"Where I am right now is perfect".

I'm changing my mind

Beyonce is still not one of my favorite people. But I dare you to watch this clip without crying. The little girl is dying of luekemia.

To A Child Love is Spelled TIME

I found this book amongst my mom's stuff. I don't know where it came from. But I picked it up. It's a collection of quotes and short stories about what yoru children really need from you. Some of it hit really close to home. I realized that during the week I leave for work before Isaac wakes up. I come home at 4:30, by 7:30 I put Isaac in bed and 8:00 is light's out. That does not give us very much time together and I certainly crowd out that precious time too often with unimportant things. I need to do better. Here were some my favorite quotes from the book:

"Our greatest danger in life is permit urgent things to crowd out the important" - Charles E Hummel

"Things that matter the most must never be at the mercy of things that matter the least" -- Goethe

"You will never find the time to spend with your children. You have to make time and plan for it. There is no other possible way. Time is the raw material of your relationship with your child and must be guarded at all costs. It's true what they say: a bucket with a hole in it gets just as empty as a bucket that is deliberately kicked over. Life will shout a thousand demands to take you away from time spent with your child. If you permit the urgent to rule, you will use time you can never recover or catch with your hand. What happens in the changing life of a child will never be repeated. All the gold in the world cannot buy back either the delights of the day or the big pleasures that happen without announcement or plan. You simply have to be there" - p. 22

"Enjoy your children, delight in them, and they will take pleasure in you. You'll never find a hand that feels so good as your child's. Nothing in this creation compares to cuddling and snuggling with your little one. Have you searched the fathoms of the mystery in your child's eyes? Have you listened to your child's prayers and cried out to God for such a simple faith? Do you delight in holding your precious one in the night, even till morning's light? If you miss the joy of being a parent, your child will miss the fulness of your love."