Encouragement for the Week

Mothers truly are the greatest force in the world!

tick, tick, tick

This morning I was at a Relief Society thing taking in a few classes in an effort to become more domestic. The cupcake decorating class was very unstructured, just people frosting cupcakes and chitchatting. Which of course, at church tends to make me feel like this:

source

But anyways, there is a new young pregnant girl who just moved into my ward. Her husband is here for (...wait for it...) dental school. Someone asked her if she has found a good Ob-Gyn yet and she mentioned that she is going to the practice where I went when I was pregnant with Isaac.

For some reason (I'm blaming PMS), just hearing her say that really hit a chord with me and I found myself welling up with tears. I think it was one part wistful nostaglia and one part brazen envy. I wonder if I will ever get a chance to excitedly tell someone that I am seeing Dr. Segal and my baby is due in a few weeks.

I turn 30 in a few weeks and it just feels like time is passing by at a breakneck speed. I'm worried that I will never have that opportunity, or if I do that my ovaries will be totally stalled out.

Blah..

I'm out of control...

Ugh. Isaac's dad and I have been fighting the last few days and it has really been bringing me down. Last night we had a big explosion and I am still reeling from it.

The conversation started off okay but unravelled quickly. Within 15 minutes I was straight up screaming at him at the top of my lungs. He pushes my buttons in a way that literally no one else does. I am not a confrontational person at all. I would normally bend over backward to avoid conflict or discord. But any percieved criticism from him puts me on the defense and even though he has never raised his voice to me, or even used rough language, it seems that is is only a matter of time until I have totally lost all composure with him and am screaming like a lunatic and totally out of control.

The fight was a continuation of a fight that started the day before and really is a continuation of the same old fight it feels like we have been having forever. Yesterday morning I suggested that since we obviously both feel strongly about certain things and clearly we do not communicate well with each other and we both feel the other doesn't understand our own point of view, perhaps we should see some kind of counselor that could help us work through some of the big sticking points. Of course, he refused, saying he doesn't need any help and if I would just accept the things he wants completely there wouldn't be a problem. Cause clearly THAT's worked well for the past seven years. The things we are arguing over are things that can't easily be changed or compromised on, things that are extremely important to each of us. We both have dug in our heels and feel that the other won't see things from our point of view. I feel that I am willing to compromise on certain issues, but he is not willing to compromise at all.

The one issue I have proposed a compromise on is the same old arguement over Isaac's last name. We both would like Isaac to have our last name. Currently, Isaac only has one last name, which is mine. I am willing to hyphenate so he has both of our last names. He wishes for Stephenson to be Isaac's middle name and won't hear of anything different or consider any compromise. I keep trying to explain to him that the same reasons he feels strongly about Isaac having his last name are the same reasons that I feel strongly about him keeping mine. And also, really, it's already been done and he can't make me change it. But he just keeps repeating it over and over like it's a new idea that we have never talked about before "Isaac will have my last name and Stephenson will be his middle name". Not "what if" or "how about" or "it would mean a lot to me if" just "you will do this" which of course makes me say "To hell with you, I'll do whatever I want." He can't understand why I feel just as strongly as he does that he keeps my last name as well. His attitude was just the last straw and I totally lost it and started shouting and ranting like a crazy woman. Living in a townhouse, I am sure my neighbor's heard everything. He icily said that he thought we should end the conversation now while he could still be the bigger person, before he stooped to my level. Which, I mean, is true. I would never tolerate him treating me the way I end up treating him. I concluded the conversation by screaming and hurling the phone across the room.

I am so ashamed and disappointed with myself. After we fight, I think back to the conversations and so much of what I have said was so combative and unnecessary, just me lashing out in an effort to hurt him before he hurts me. These arguments bring out the very worst side of me. I am always berating him for being over the top passive aggressive (which he is). But in a way, how can I even blame him for not want to bring issues to the table, because it is very rare that I can discuss anything in a rational way. I think I need to go to a counselor. Even if M refuses to come with me to have a neutral party be a mediator, at least maybe a counselor could give me some tips on how to handle these conversations when they do arise and give me some strategies to use or something. The level of anger that I am unloading during these arguements is scary and intense. Clearly I need a healthier way to release the emotions that are bottled up inside me.

So that's that. Ick.

Quickly

How sweet is my friend Meagan for stopping by tonight with all of this?! Candy? Cookie mix? TOBLERONE?! Fresh flowers? It definitely cheered me up from my lonely mother's day. She is so thoughtful.

motherhood rants

Okay, hopefully this blog doesn't offend anyone.

It probably will.

I know I'm leaving myself open to be flamed.

Here goes: So a long time ago (like, over the summer) within the short span of a few weeks, almost all of my good friends who happened to be married (and not LDS) made statements to me about how they simply do not want children. They are all in stable marriages, fairly financially secure, etc. They are just happy being couples I guess and don't want to disrupt their lives. This was around the time when WJM/longtime college boyfriend got back in touch with me and made a similar pronouncement. He declared himself to be "too selfish" ever to have kids and expressed that he had a dog, and that was close enough to a kid (future rant blog on people who compare having pets to having kids is still to come-- that is one of my biggest pet peeves EVER. I hate when people compare the fulfillment of the relationship of a pet, to what they expect the fulfillment and/or responsibility level of having a child will be.)

I try not to judge my friends who don't want children, because I hate when people judge me for getting pregnant, but, well, I think it's a really narcissistic attitude. I don't understand why you would want to sell yourself short of the joy of having kids if you were able to. I really can't wrap my head around their choice to be willfully childless.

Although I have always knew I wanted to be a mother, and although my pregnancy was unexpected, having Isaac is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I recognize that even though I have always have a deep drive and longing to be a mother, that not everyone experiences that same feeling. I think that's fair. But I don't know, (here I go judging again) but it just seems like so many of my friends are choosing not to simply because it would require them to adopt a less self-centered lifestyle and to me that is just tragic. It's an amazing thing to have a child and realize that there is someone in the world now that you love more than you love yourself. I just feel like if you intentionally choose to not experience that on some level, then you are willingly stunting your growth of your character as a human being. There, I said it.

It feels weird to even write this, because I am so not the typical mormon girl whose life ambition is getting married at 19 and cranking out a minivan full of kids before you can even afford to move out of your parent's basement. I think women should have careers. I don't think daycare is evil. And, believe me, I am not trying to glamorize it. I vividly rememver the total shock of coming home from the hospital with the baby in the carseat red faced and screaming and realizing that nothing about my life will ever be the way it was before. You lose your ability to sleep, your privacy, to eat when you want, to live life on your own terms. Pregnancy itself is the ultimate example-- you are not even able to be the only one living in your body, which I guess is a scary thing to some. (Remember the controversial statement Jillian Michaels gave in her Women's Health interview where she said she was planning to adopt so she wouldn't "ruin" her body with pregnancy?) Children involve a lot of time, emotional giving and patience. It's hard work to be a parent and raise kids. And Isaac, is only six, I know I haven't even really gotten to the hard part yet. I get that can be overwhelming at times (believe me!!!) but gosh, in parenthood the good outweighs the bad a million times over. It's such a beautiful thing.

It just makes me a little sad that so many of my friends (for whatever reason) aren't choosing to embark on that adventure.

That's all.

I have nothing to offer except my own confusion

I think that's a quote from someone else, but I can't find anyone to attribute it to. Via google at least. I feel like I don't have much to blog about these days. Things are good. Very busy, but very good. Not the stressful insanity of before. Just, good busy.

Soccer was cancelled again this weekend. Just like last weekend, Saturday was a beautiful day, but it had rained so much during the week that the fields were too soggy to play on. I ended up taking Isaac to the gym with me and got a decent workout in, which was nice. I had plans to clean and clean and clean but my brother Joe ended up randomly stopping by. We got some lunch together and then did Lowes and Home Depot. I needed furnace filters. We ended up getting the crown molding for my bedroom. My bedroom is the only room that feels majorly unfinished. It is still builders white, etc. I'm not ready for the total make-over yet, but I envision it being complete by the end of the summer. We are going to paint it, put up the crown molding, put in a ceiling fan and get some curtains up.

After we were done our shopping, we had to jet off to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. Isaac's dad was supposed to join us there, but, predictably, he cancelled at the last minute. I didn't even bother telling Isaac because I knew he wouldn't really come. This always happens. Last weekend we had such a good talk about his dad coming over and seeing Isaac and I felt like things were heading in a better direction. It never seems to last though. He had a "family meeting". I am forever pointing out how he puts obscure extended family over Isaac, who is his real flesh and blood, but I don't think it really sinks in. There is a huge Sierra Leonian independence day celebration coming up that he claims he wants to bring Isaac to. We'll see. I never hold my breath.

Anyways, the party at Chuck E Cheese wasn't too painful. I brought this book along and knocked out five chapters during the party. With a few exceptions, I find the mothers of Isaac's classmates to be cliquey, superficial and vapid. I made obligatory small talk with them, and then retreat to a table with my book. It's next May's book for my book club and it is really good. I'm not done yet, but I haven't been able to put it down.

I got a random text on my way home from the party that WJM (long time college boyfriend) was going to be out my way that evening, so I invited him over. I managed to get the house in relatively decent shape, which was good because it has been in a state of C.H.A.O.S. (can't have anyone over syndrome) for several days. I forgot that Friday morning I had set up for the builder guy to come and check on my leaking roof. It was completely mortifying to have him traipse through my house and go into Isaac's room to access the ladder. Anyways, I managed to get the place in order before he swung by.

His visit was nice enough. Although we are extremely different people now than when we were dating, our personalities are still very compatible. I think we are doing a decent job of being friends now. There were only a few awkward moments. One, when we were bantering about something and he called me the name of his ex gf after me. That didn't go over well. He also always seems to ask me about what I do for fun, or what kind of hobbies I have. I don't think he means it in a condescending way, but it always puts me on the defense. He is involved in tons of different hobbies and volunteer type stuff, and I feel like he thinks my life is a little too simple. But I mean, I'm a working, single mom. There are a lot of demands on my time. I work. I teach Sunday school. I do stuff with Isaac. I'm close with my family. I'm in a book club. I do yoga and Zumba. I go for occasional bike rides. I hang out with friends. I go out in the city. I don't know. I think I am a fun and somewhat interesting person, but he makes me feel terribly simple and boring.

Anyways, today was my Sunday to teach Sunday school (I alternate with another girl) but no one showed up. This meant I had to join the big gospel doctrine class which was.... painful. After church, we came home and I took a delicious 2 hour nap and then kept reading The Help. Then my brother Tom came over and played wii with Isaac for a little and I made delicious oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. The secret is a teaspoon of Overall, it's been a great weekend. I'm sad to see it end.

The only plus side, is I get to wear a t-shirt tomorrow. Specifically, this T-shirt for Autism Awareness month (it has the name of our elementary school on the back):

I work for a district where the kids wear uniforms (which I love, and wish that Isaac's school would adopt a uniform policy) and so we get very few casual days. I don't get to wear jeans, but wearing t-shirts at least feels like a step in the right direction. Last week we got to wear these shirts (along with teachers from across the state) sent to us by our union:

It's cheesey, I admit, but I like a little positive self talk. I *do* make a difference every day. It's the main reason why I could never work for corporate America. /endrant

We also occasionally have days when we get to wear this one: It's my favorite. I love me some Ben Franklin. The back has a quote by him: "Energy and persistence conquer all things".

Anyways, I'm back to reading and ready for a new week. How was your weekend?

Worse than SADFAB

From this month's Glamour (p. 302) "I learned I had 'social infertility,' the diagnosis they give single women and lesbians who want children."

I'm a big cliche

Firstly, I've been reflecting a lot on motherhood lately and started pounding out a huge manuscript on the topic. After some reflection, I have decided to break it up into different posts. Saturday I watched FoodInc, a really insightful documentary on issues in the food industry. After that, Netflix realized I like documentaries and it recommended more in spades. It seems NEtlfix knows me better than I thought. One recommendation was a documentary called "Babies". Here is the trailer: It follows four babies from different parts of the world (Namibia, Mongolia, Japan, and the USA). It was very charming and cute although I found myself tearing up/crying all through it. This is the theme in my life lately I see. Dads in the mall wearing baby Bjorns make me teary. I see a smiling pregnant woman in the grocery store and I feel physical pangs of jealousy. And yes, I am well aware that this makes me sound psychotic but I guess it is safe to say as I creep closer and closer to thirty my biological clock is pounding in my ears. I think I feel more anxious to find "the one" less from a desire to not be alone, but because my desire to have another baby before it's too late. The average 30 year old only has 12% of her eggs left. I am terrified that I won't ever meet someone who wants to have kids, or that by the time I do, I won't be able to anymore. And I'm not the only one apparently. There's even an acronym for people who feel this way: SADFABs (single and desperate for a baby). Which, isn't that the most depressing label ever? My pregnancy with Isaac was unexpected and a time of high stress, shame, and anxiety. It was not something I savored, it was something I detached myself from and endured. I was hit with a barrage of messages that I would have to sacrifice all my dreams and goals, that I would end up collecting welfare, that my kid would be maladjusted, When Isaac came, he became the light of my life. For all of the turmoil of the pregnancy, I can state with absolute certainty that Isaac is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Although a major theme of my blogging over the years has been my regret and guilt at how quickly his infancy passed in a the delurium of working full time, grad school, field experiences, student teaching, etc. Now all of a sudden he is this grown little boy with no traces of babyhood left. Selfishly, I want to do it all again when I can really delight in the experience of it. Also, I feel a lot of sorrow that Isaac will not have the experience of having a sibling close to him in age. My siblings are all two years apart and I am very close with each of them. Anyways, I certainly do not want to a rush a relationship forward toward love and marriage as a result of these overpowering maternal feelings. Seriously. But it is sort of hard when you imagine things in your life unfolding a certain way and all of a sudden you are almost 30 and nothing is the way you envisioned it. Stayed tuned for more thoughts on motherhood including recent conversations on dating a single mom, and the annoying tendency of childless people to compare having children to having a pet.

here's another one

Sorry, I'm sure these are not interesting to anyone but me, but they make me laugh. That was such a different time in my life working full time, grad school full time, parenting a young child. Isaac is so easy and managable now. August 2007 So today I wake up. My clock reads 7:08. I completely panic, as I supposed to be at work at 7 and I am already in a bit of trouble with attendance, so I can't be late and I am pretty sure a new person will be in my house and I should be there to help them out, and now I will hit traffic so who knows when I will get in.... I call the overnight supervisor, frantically shout at him that I overslept but that I am on my way, and hang up before he can really respond while pulling on clothes and simultaneously brushing my teeth. I am running through a mental list of what I need to grab before I run out the door and I am like,okay, I have school today, I need to remember to grab my schoolbag. Then I remember, if I have school today, I must need to turn my final in, which I know I haven't done. Why haven't I done it??? OH BECAUSE TODAY IS SUNDAY. I call the overnight supervisor back and he is just laughing at me like, "Yeah Lisa, I will see you tomorrow, take your time coming in". I'm losing it people. I really am. This one was entitled "The saga of getting ready." From July of 2007. My mom must have been out of town. So I am trying to get ready to get out the door. Why is life with a toddler one step forward, two steps back? Here is the story of my morning: Open closet. Look for skirt. Put skirt on. Ponder shirt. Hear Isaac in bathroom (never a good thing!) He has found the bleach bottle I carelessly left on the counter and is spraying it on himself. I clean him up, get him distracted by brushing his teeth and set off to find the shirt. Can't find the shirt, but I slip on my shoes. He sees my shoes are on, and wants to put his shoes on too. I want to throw some sandals on him, but he insists on the nearly impossible to put on (though terribly stylish) camo hightops. Almost ten minutes lost jamming the darn things on him. I set him up with a movie, back to search for the shirt. Decide I look fat in the shirt. Glance in on Isaac. He has found my purse and is dumping the contents everywhere and his legs are somehow covered in magic marker. I take my wallet from him (I can't tell you how many times I have gone to pay for something or show ID only to have the card missing because he has gleefully dumped my wallet earlier that day). He starts to cry, hanging on me and trying to grab the wallet and then starts coughing like crazy. I decide to get him some cough medicine since he has been coughing all morning. Twenty minutes go by trying to persuade him to take it. Spray self (and Isaac, at his insistance) with perfume. Set him up in front of Youtube. Set off to look for specific flattering black shirt that may or may not be clean. Find shirt. Put it on. Ignore crashing sounds coming from Isaac's room. Brush hair. Isaac is comes in crying because "My shoes are too hard". Take shoes off him. Send him on his way. He returns a minute later because his "Yips hurt". Can't find any chapstick or clear lipgloss. Put pink lipgloss on him to appease him. Send him on his way. Make mental note to wipe off lipgloss before we get to Daddy's. Decide to attempt eyeliner. Line one eye. In the reflection in the mirror near a pile of discarded clothes on the floor I notice something suspicious. Is that? It can't be? When would it have happened? I almost can't even bring myself to look. Yes, confirm that there is a large chunk of poo sitting proudly on my white carpet. Ponder how and when the poo could have been left there without me noticing as I find paper towel (not hard, as the whole roll has been unwound on the bathroom floor when Isaac was brushing his teeth). Scoop up poop. Flush away. Clean floor. Enter Isaac with a pair of scissors in his hand "Mommy-- hair cut?" Take scissors away to the office and while passing by his room observe that earlier crashing noise was Isaac overturning his toybox everywhere. Hear bathtub water turning on and find Isaac giving his stuffed dog a "Baf!" Glance at self in the mirror. Realize only one eye is lined... Need I go on? Man I am exhausted. Thank God my mother is coming home today!

525,600 Minutes

It's been another great year. I am truly blessed.

I'm now the mom of a smart, friendly and happy kindergartener!

I turned 29 and had several fabulous celebrations including a family dinner in at a Hibachi and a dinner with friends in the city at Tria.

Birthday Nutella Panini.... yum!!

I've made it to a couple of concerts. I started off the year seeing Vs. the Earth on New Years Eve. I mingled with some friendly lesbians to see Sarah McLachlan and Sara Barielles at the Lilith Fair. And thankfully 2010 didn't pass me by without a chance to see the best band in the whole wide world: Counting Crows!

**Swoon**

I've been to a bunch of good plays including The Merry Wives of Windsor at the PA Shakespeare Festival and Wicked. This was also the first year the Isaac was old enough to appreciate the theater and we took him to several productions including Harold and the Purple Crayon in the city, The Emperor's New Clothes, and Frosty. He was also able to come with us to seee the traditional Christmas Panto at People's Light and Theater company instead of staying home with my dad like years past. "Grandpa and I are finally old enough!" he declared this year. It's so exciting to be able to share that with him now.

I had a great tan. I logged many, many hours by various pools and on the beach. I put some miles on my bike (though not as many as I should have).

I got a new phone when my old one died. Had a good laugh when the guy went to take the sim card out and a huge pile of beach sand fell out.

I successfully jump started a car without causing an explosion or electrocuting anyone.

I've been fortuneate enough to go on some wonderful family vacations.

There was our quick get away to Florida in the spring:

Our annual week at the Jersey Shore:

My sister got married!

So did one of my good friends from college Nicole: I went through a break up. I listened to a lot of Alanis. I moved on and went on more dates. I saw my old long-time college bf WJM in the flesh and didn't die. I've made some new friendships.

And rekindled some old ones.

I figured out how to use my sewing machine and did some crafting: I have one tooth less than this time last. Tooth 31 is now gone! I stopped eating red meat in July. I rejoined a gym, started (and subsequently quit, whoops) a running regimen. I got back into yoga. I discovered Zumba.

It's been a pretty great year. I can't wait to see what 2011 has in store for me.

Old School

Found on my photobucket. A video we made for my sister while she was in Italy on her mission. Sorry, I don't know how to flip it.

Today's Post: Photos that make me happy

Babies make me happy. In particular, my baby. These are some old ones of Isaac that people who only read this blog might not have seen. Or, for those of you who followed me over on the old myspace blog, some flashbacks. Playing around in my make-up....

An old one of Isaac and my brother Tom. I *LOVE* this one... His dad never lets his hair get curly anymore... (and don't I look super young? and frighteningly pale?) First smile caught on film

Tiny baby? Or massive cat? Or BOTH! (Isaac is less than a month in this pic with my parents old cat Danielle)

Asking the tough questions

One of the great things about the pre-school age is being blindsided by random difficult questions. Today yielded this fabulous gem that I couldn't even bring myself to deal with yet.

Tough Conversation

"So, when are you getting married mom?" "I don't know. Not anytime soon hunny". Here I am thinking I am reassuring him as he has been so anxious/upset about my sister getting married. "But moms and dads are supposed to be married to each other." **RECORD SCRATCH**

Oh crap.

We're doing this now?

Quick, what do I say????

"Well, Isaac, there are lots of different kinds of families. Not every family has a mom and a dad who are married to each other. What's important is that the people in families love each other. And your dad and I both love you very much." "Well your dad is married to your mom." "That's true." "Well, maybe you could marry my dad."

Please.

Make it stop.

"No hunny. Mommy isn't going to get married anytime soon.... So! What would you like for breakfast today?"

I think that was our most awkward conversation to date.

Stayed tuned for tomorrow's report on our other recent awkward conversation, tenatively entitled "Will I ever have a sibling?"

mommyhood

This post was amazing!

You know what?

I love my family.

Isaac is seriously the greatest kid on the planet.

Being a mother is the best job you could ever have.

Some Things I Have Learned About Being a Mom:

It's okay to be messy.

It's okay to be silly.

It's okay to say no.

You need to take back all of the times you said "My child will never act like that."

Get out of the house. Sometimes it's easier to stay in but it's better to go out.

Roll with the punches. Life rarely goes as planned.

Being a mom brings you a whole lot closer to your own mother.

Modesty/privacy get thrown out the window.

All those cheesey cliches are true. You don't know you could love someone as much as you love him. You do have to treasure it because it flies by in a blink.

thoughts on being a mom

These are my days:

But this is my life:

You Know You are a Single Mom When...

--Your child, as a small toddler, is able to point out familiar fast food places on the road as you pass them and shouts out what you would order from there ("Medium Diet Coke!" or "Nachos Del Grande!") -- You've had to call your credit card company before you head out to the store to make sure your card won't be declined when you go to pay -- Popcorn in a bag purchased at Target has (at times) been deemed an acceptable dinner option -- You are expert of the downlow phone calls while driving, because you are forced to forever multi-task on your way to soccer, doctor, grocery store, etc.

-- When you are at work you are trying to do personal stuff (figure out how to take time off for dentist appointments, calling those people who are only around during business hours). When you are at home, you are trying to finish up work because you can't come in early or stay late like the other teachers.

-- Along the same lines, when you have to take a sick day and send the little one to daycare anyways, just to go to the doctor's office and get a hair cut in peace.

-- The daycare sends home father's day cards to mom.

-- You turn on the TV for noise when he's at his dad's for the weekend, because the house seems a little too quiet. -- Your car is a rolling apartment with snacks, drinks, changes of clothing, crayons, paper, books, a folding chair, a case of bottled water, action figures, trash bags, etc. -- You find yourself wanting to strangle the chick in RS who says "Well since my husband is in dental school/works long hours/travels a lot I'm basically a single mom." Girl, you have no idea. -- Your Netflix movies are, like, seven months old because you never have time to watch them. --Your five year old is unphased sitting on the stool waiting and watching while you get your eye brows waxed. -- You look forward to your weekend "off" but then find yourself working four hours later because you can't bear to go home to an empty house and then when you do get home, you are so exhausted you fall asleep before ten o'clock with the lights all on and the computer in your lap. So much for being a swingin' single... -- You start finding children's TV characters sort of attractive (overlooking the fact that they are clearly gay):

-- Your siblings see your name on caller id and answer the phone with "I already have plans this weekend, I can't babysit"....

-- Your son recognizes the symbols on bathroom doors, but thinks the women's one applies to him, because you are too terrified to let him use a public bathroom alone. -- You are fine with the fact that when navigating through your living room you will forever trip over a mess of small legos, blocks, action figures, soccer cleats, etc.

Anyone have anything else to add to the list?

Hard stuff

As a disclaimer of sorts: I think I am PMSing because I made and ate half a pan of brownies today and I have been looking at old baby pictures of Isaac and getting weepy for long stretches. Also, since this post was drafted after being snowed in alone for over 30 straight hours an is being completed on the eve of being snowed in for at least that long again, it might be influenced by a touch of cabin fever.

Lots of thoughts swirling around in my head right now. I'll try to put them out there in a way that is coherant and hopefully not (too) offensive to anyone....

I was flipping channels and stopped on a reunion special for the cast of MTV's 16 and Pregnant Teen Mom reality show. I've never watched the show. I don't generally watch MTV and I think the concept of the show sounds exploitative. Also, the reunion was being hosted by Dr. Drew who I think is a total nut.

Anyhow, it caught my eye initially because apparently one of the girls featured on the show had placed her baby for adoption. She was still featured on the show, even though she was not parenting her baby and they showed a lot of emotional footage that hooked me. For any readers that don't know, adoption was an option I considered very seriously for the duration of my pregnancy and although that was not the route I ultimately took, I have a tender and raw place in my heart for the process of adoption and specifically for birthmothers. She and her boyfriend spoke very eloquently about their decision and I was entranced.

After her segment was over they moved onto a different girl. Evidently, she is the only one who is raising her baby alone, without any involvement from the baby's father. Her clip package showed her having fights with her mother about her involvement with her baby. Apparently she was trying to date and go out with her friends too often and was always leaving her daughter behind. She spoke about how she struggled to find that balance between school and work and parenting and her wish to find a partner.

Dr. Drew asked her about her desire to find someone to be with romantically. She was obviously choked up and teary as she described that she wished she had someone to be her partner but that she was grateful to have her family as a support system. Dr. Drew of course can't leave well enough alone and continued to lay into her, "Don't you wish someone was there on your behalf? Do you think you'll ever find a partner?

She got very teary even more emotional and just shook her head very sadly. Dr. Drew decided to stop torturing her and did say something along the lines of "You deserve someone who will care about you and your daughter." She started to weep and said "I guess there is no one like that out there". And you could tell she 100% believed that she would be alone forever.

Although the intensity of the feelings this girl ( I believe her name was Farrah) are surely magnified by her young age, the feelings she expresses I think are universal for all single moms. I have felt it many, many times. A hopelessness that you will be alone forever and that you are not desirable.

Especially those of us in the pressure cooker of Mormon Culture where all you hear all the time is marriage, marriage, marriage. Where the bishop's wife pulls you aside and says that she knows this divorced girl with a car full of kids who found her spouse on the internet, so "there's still hope for you". A culture where every single lesson that has to do with marriage will have the old quotation about those are not married in this life shall have that opportunity in the next. And you feel like the teacher is staring you down and looking right into your soul as he quotes it.

Or maybe that's just me.

Although the church does take a pretty hard stance on single parenting. The official preference when an unmarried girl finds herself pregnant is that the two parents get married. When marriage is not an option then adoption is the recommended course of action. Although officially it is "an individual decision", LDSFS provides you with a million statistics that are all designed to assure you that if you chose to parent your baby you will end up living in poverty, your child will be more likely to be abused or psychologically maladjusted, you will end up on government assistance, you're denying your child priesthood blessings, and worst of all, NO ONE WILL EVER MARRY YOU. (Seriously, check out the website, I am in no way exaggerating and the stuff they give you when you are meeting with them is even worse. I'm seriously trying to stay on topic and not sidetrack this into a whole different rant about LDSFS). So yeah. You are explicitly told that you will most likely be alone and unmarryable.

And it's hard not to internalize those messages that you are undesirable and worthless because you chose to parent your child.

And my heart broke for this teen girl.

Because who is anyone to tell us that we are less worthy than other people?

Yes, it's a tough road and a terrifically lonely one. But when you find yourself in a crisis pregnancy there are no good easy options. Only terribly hard ones. But just because you made a mistake does not mean that you deserve to pay for that mistake for the rest of your life. It doesn't mean that you aren't deserving of happiness.

And I'm not putting up with those messages anymore.

So I'm declaring it officially now in my blog.

I can have it all. I. CAN. HAVE. IT. ALL.

And anyone who tells me otherwise can go straight to hell.

Showers are overrated

So is make up. And matching socks. Blah. Firstly, it was brought to my attention that I had somehow disabled comments. I think I fixed that. Sorry about that. Feel free to comment away. Today was one of those horrible days when you just want to throw in the towel and pull the covers over your head. Just one of those totally thankless days when all you do is for other people and you just want to scream "I'M RUNNING AWAY AND YOU CAN ALL DEAL WITH YOUR OWN PROBLEMS!" and you can't even get a shower without something horrible going awry. I woke up today to see another pile of puke and about six more of the mystery streaks that yesterday I assumed were urine streaks. Today I decided they were too brownish and streaky to be urine stains and I began to worry it was blood from Saffron's incision (she was just recently spayed). So I called the vet, loaded up Isaac, headed over to Banfield and found out... she is fine. Her incision looks great. I come home from the vet, do Chuck E Cheese with Isaac (which in case we've never met is my personal hell on earth. Especially on a Saturday). Then I come home and try to tackle the house I go down to the basement to move the laundry along and see another pile puke down there. I go to clean it up and I realize that this pile of puke has something weird in it and upon closer inspection and realize it is about five inches of skinny christmas ribbon. At this point I am concerned and I call the vet back. The vet is now closed for the weekend and they refered me to Metropolitian, a hospital. SO I call Metropolitian and they think it justifies coming in and they sound really concerned. So I load up Cody (who is miserable, howling and hissing) and Isaac (who was also rather miserable at the thought of sitting around a boring doctor's office for the second time in one day) and head out to Trooper. The doctor was very nice but they pretty much tell me that he probably has ribbon still inside him which is super dangerous and will probably cut his intestines all up. His abdomen is tender and swollen and he is dehydrated from all of the puking. There is no way to know for sure if he puked all the ribbon up without an x-ray (which even then the ribbon won't be visible but it will see if his gut is in the right shape) which runs around 745 bucks. Ideally they would like to open him up and make sure the ribbon is all the way out. This procedure runs about 2800 bucks. Yeah 2800 bucks. Obviously I had to decline. I have handraised Cody from the time he was a tiny baby on his way to the SPCA. I love him as much as anyone could ever love a cat. But that is an obscene amount of money and I absolutely cannot afford or justify it in any way. I opted for them to give him an IV of fluids to keep him hydrated and to take him home. If he keeps puking I will know the ribbon is still there. If he can keep from puking tomorrow I can offer him water and then eventually this super bland stomach friendly cat food they gave me. He did puke up some more stomach bile on the way home in the car. I'm terribly concerned. Oh and even this cost a pretty penny. I won't say how much, but let's just say it rhymes with rue-hundred dollars. Emergency pet medicine is not cheap my friends. In light of all of this, I felt like I should cancel my plans to go iceskating in the city with some girlfriends I haven't seen in forever, because I need to keep a close eye on Cody and monitor him for more puking, heavy breathing, etc. That was terribly disappointing, especially considering the way I have felt lately and the stars had actually aligned and I had a sitter and everything. So then I am upstairs scrubbing cat puke out of the carpet and Isaac decides he is too lazy to get up to go to the bathroom (the game was playing on the computer didn't have a pause option he later explained) and so he peed all over the kitchen floor. And didn't discover it until I stepped in it. And I flipped out. It was the absolute last straw of the day. And I spanked him which I rarely do. I felt terrible afterwards and we were both crying. Just no more bodily fluids please. Blah. I didn't even have a chance to get a shower today. Now I am sitting on the couch eating raw cookie dough (a gift from a student) and drinking diet coke (discovered an unopened can in my car when I was cleaning-- see, I'm sticking to the budget!) and savoring the History Channel because tomorrow the cable gets turned off. I cancelled my cable and landline. I love TV. I have never been one of those people that says snidely"Oh I don't even own a TV" or "I hate watching TV". I love it. Give me Bravo Reality shows. Give me medical oddities (I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant anyone?) Give me the History Channel. I love it all. But, even with my newly negotiated price it is still a total extra and still a want and not a need, and in my current financial state, I can't justify it any longer. It's part of being a grown up and being self reliant. This quote by Julie B Beck pretty much outlines my goals for the new year (and this past year too) Emphasis added: “‘Self-reliance means using all of our blessings from Heavenly Father to care for ourselves and our families and to find solutions for our own problems.’ Each of us has a responsibility to try to avoid problems before they happen and to learn to overcome challenges when they occur....How do we become self-reliant? We become self-reliant through obtaining sufficient knowledge, education, and literacy; by managing money and resources wisely, being spiritually strong, preparing for emergencies and eventualities, and by having physical health and social and emotional well-being.” (“The Welfare Responsibilities of the Relief Society President,” Basic Principles of Welfare and Self-Reliance [2009], 4-5). Self Reliance in 2010! Here I come! Without cable! Anyhow, onto THE LIST:

Figure out which library I am supposed to go to now since the closest library is in a different county. Check out books and movies for me and Isaac. Order camera cord from ebay Bring bags of donated clothes to Goodwill Finish putting away all Christmas decorations Make car appointment. Figure out how to pay for new tires/brakes. Organize downstairs coat closet. Tidy/organize garage.

Clean/vacuum car. <--- okay, so I still need to vacuum. I totally drove by the carwash and then decided it was just too bitterly cold. Maybe tomorrow...

Call student loan people. <--- not open on the weekend. Duh. Will call Monday

Get hair dye and go back to brunette. Once again, the highlights are going by the wayside in the name of cutting expenses.

Figure out how to clean the inside of the oven. <--- well I found out that I don't have a self cleaning button or anything. I guess I will have to buy some oven cleaner. Don't see this happenning before next weekend.

Go swimming at the Y with Isaac. <-- this got put on the back burner for today with all of the cat drama. Will try to go sometime this week. Maybe Tuesday.

Plan menu for the next few weeks.

Finish up Season 2 of Big Bang Theory and return. <--- finished this up. Will return next time I see my friend who loaned it to me.

Write out goals for the new year. <--- began this

Overall, it was a pretty productive week, although I didn't get to everything on my list. And there's still tomorrow for menu planning and goal writing.

What's new in your world?

Pretty much why I haven't blogged in ages...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6ujADXp0dM Maintaining a house with a toddler all alone is exhausting!