Quickly

• I ended up in the emergency room Friday night after I finally called my doctor about a nagging ache in my side.  That combined with my low grade fever, nausea, and general feeling of "blah" left him convinced I could have appendicitis.  Two rounds of blood work, an IV bag full of fluids and a CAT scan later, it turns out I just have a terrible UTI. 
• Wedding planning is still causing me to lose a lot of sleep.  There are a few important elements still aren't in place, RSVPS that haven't been returned, things I still need to do, people that need to be called, etc, etc, etc.  I either can't fall asleep at night and/or I wake up at night for whatever reason and then my mind starts racing and I can't fall back to sleep.  No bueno.
• Isaac is also throwing up all the time in school (but never at home...).  Their policy is barf = you have to go home that day which has necessitated a lot of juggling around of schedules on the part of me, my mom and Ryan.  One of us has to drop everything to pick him up, and then watch him for the rest of the day as he runs around the house, fever free and full of energy, eating everything in sight.  I dunno if he is making himself throw up, or faking it, or if he might have some kind of reflux or what, but it's getting old.  Yesterday when the school nurse called me at work again, she sort of got the brunt of my anger.  I was like "I'm a working mom!  I'm a teacher! Did anyone actually see him throw up?"  He got a big lecture from me last night about faking it, and I scheduled him a doctor appointment later in the week to rule out reflux or something.  Any suggestions or ideas on that front are welcomed. 
• In addition to all that I have going on in my life, in a moment of temporary insanity I agreed to be a witness on a courtcase.  I was just served my subpoena last weekend. A lady I worked with when I bought my house was fired from her company for shoddy work performance and is now suing them claiming she was fired because of her race and gender.  The company I guess started going through their files and found my scathing write up of my experience working with her and now wants to use me as part of their defense.  Which I think is actually really interesting and I would like to be of assistance.  It is unfortunate that the timing is early February.  
• Anyways, this isn't meant to be a list of complaints.  There are so many good things happening in my life right now too. My parents and Ryan's parents finally met each other at a nice dinner hosted by my parents.  I think everyone was a little nervous but all was well and the world didn't end.  We also had a nice birthday dinner for my dad on Sunday and played Apples to Apples.   My brother Tom inspected my car, so miraculously the 2003 Alero remains roadworthy for another year (or until she is replaced by a minivan or SUV crossover, you know, whichever comes first).  There was a Groupon deal on tickets to the Home Show in Philadelphia, so we are taking Ryan's sister and mom next weekend and they seemed so pleased.  Ryan and I have seen some great movies: Argo and Silver Linings Playbook.  Highly recommend both of them.  Finally, my brother gave the three of us tickets to the car show in Philadelphia and we had a great time.  Here is a picture from there:

 

So that's the update!

 

and it's september...

ready to pay the price

*Sigh*. So it looks like I am going back to grad school again.

Long story (somewhat) short, I graduated from good ole Widener with a Master's of Special Ed, highly qualified to elementary education. As I interviewed for jobs it became very clear that the fact that I didn't hold a certification in elementary education was a huge strike against me, which is kind of infuriating to discover you are barely qualified after you have paid thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars to get your degree.

I eventually did get hired in my current district. It has always been in the back of my mind to get to get back to work on my cert (see last year's goal list at the top of this page). This year when I watched some of my peers be laid off or cut to part time as our lovely Governor slashed funding to public education, it hit me that if I were to be laid off it would be impossible to go up against huge pools of applicants who were all more qualified than me. I would end up making hoagies at Wawa or ringing people up at Sears for the rest of my life. So this summer I got serious about getting back to grad school and just in the nick of time, as I found out that all of the certification requirements are changing very soon. I need to take 6 classes in the next year so get my stuff together before all the certification requirements change in the state of PA. Otherwise, I will have to take 11 classes under the new certification qualifications. Which was a little different than what I had pictured in my head (maybe taking one or two online courses and sitting for another PRAXIS exam).

I'm not going to lie, I had a pretty big breakdown about this. In order to qualify for financial aid loans I would need to take at least two classes in the spring semester, three in the summer and one next fall. If you were with me back in the Myspace blog days, you would remember that I am no stranger to working fulltime, doing grad school fulltime and juggling being a mom. It's not impossible. I have done it, but the tradeoff isI pretty much had no money, no life, no friends, my mother was Isaac's primary caretaker instead of me, and I was constantly under a high level of stress. The thought of going back to that lifestyle, without even the support of living with my parents was completely overwhelming. Not to mention the thought of taking out more loans to pay for it all had me panicked, as I already have an overwhelming amount of debt relating to school costs. I just really thought that chapter of my life was closed and the thought of going back to that pretty much caused me to totally fall apart.

Anyways, enough blathering on and on about this. As I do whenever I make a major financial decision, I asked my dad for his take on it and he helped me brainstorm some other solutions. I had forgotten to factor in tuition reimbursement, and when you take that into account my work will pay for a considerable amount of the cost, which means that I can take the first two classes one at a time, instead of doubling up. I will can do the bulk of the work during the summer when I am doing nothing anyways and I will only have to take out loans for three classes instead of six. This makes me feel better about things.

I have a friend whose dad is very into Indian Astrology and a few years ago he did a reading for me based on my birthdate, time and location. He reported that I would eventually find a lot of success in my career, but that I would have to struggle against many obstacles before I found that success. Anyways, I don't know how exactly you define "success" as a public school teacher anyways. I just feel like I have taken the long way around over and over when it comes to being a financially independent real live grown up and it's frustrating. It would just be nice to be be on top of the bills, maybe have something in the savings account, and not have something like having a fuel pump be a total financial crisis.

Anyways, I had all of this kind of stuff floating in my head when I was biking along the River Trail earlier in the week. This plaque was on one of the benches along the way.

And actually, that quote sort of helped me refocus.

100th Day

Blah. Sorry I haven't updated el blogo lately. I've bit a bit overwhelmed with a high stress situation at work and it seems to have consumed me lately. I'm up all night worrying about it. I'm working long hours trying to complete a neverending list of to-dos. Anyways, I've given myself some of my own to dos as far as making myself more marketable and getting resume and whatnot together. Hopefully I will be able to manage my time and stress better and get back on course again and leave work at work. But in the mean time, I don't have much else to blog about. Here's what we spent a great deal of time working a little bit each night since we got the assignment tonight doing:

I had so many good intentions for super adorable projects that I have seen my students turn in over the years or on teacher blogs.

But it just didn't happen.

I've been so insanely busy had to resist the urge to "borrow" one of my student's projects for a while, as our 100th day was last week.

How are things in your neck of the woods?

ugh

It's been a rough week (and it's only Tuesday!).

Quickly

• I survived the wedding-- part 1 at least. Next weekend will be about 17 hours in the car with my parents for the North Carolina reception. Assuming that a hurricane doesn't cancel it.
• I would post a picture but I didn't take a single one. Maybe some of my relatives will send a few my way so I can share how awesomely tan I was (oh and I guess you might want to see my sister too).
• In the midst of wedding madness school has started again and I went from having a completely open and empty schedule to once again being stretched entirely too thin. I feel like I am doing a half-assed job at everything, namely: my job, keeping up the house, and being a decent mom. I still have a dufflebag at the foot of my bed that has not been unpacked from the shore, I've seen Isaac awake this week for probably a grand total of 4 hours, and I realized tonight I never registered him for soccer and now all the areas leagues are closed. I seriously cried when I realized that. I'll get my life together in a little bit, but the beginning of the school year always makes me feel like I am going to die.

Exhaustion, extreme heat, loneliness and guilt are getting the better of me. I'll be back in, like, a week or two.

return to school/wedding mania

a) finishing the bare minimum of work to prepare for the opening of the school year. b) being a decent and attentive mommy c) eat/sleep Choose two of these.

50 random thoughts

1. I made enchildas and spicy rice for dinner.
2. It's rare that I cook on a school night.
3. However, today I took a sick day to get my teeth cleaned.
4. And to take Isaac to kindergarten orientation.
5. My mom had dressed him adorably in a light blue polo shirt and his red crocs.
6. He was so nervous.
7. He did seperate from me and go with his class.
8. I had to sit through a very boring presentation on kindergarten.
9. It was a mix of explaining kindergarten activities (yeah very familiar with those), and convincing us full day kindergarten is better than half day (very controversial in the district, but A-ok with me)
10. Isaac left very excited to start kindergarten.
11. He said his favorite part was doing "hallway hugs" and walking quietly to the classroom.
12. Not sure why this was more fun than riding the bus, hearing a story and playing and coloring in the kindergarten room, but whatever.
13. Of course, I forgot the camera.
14. But I WILL remember to send it with my mom for the first real day.
15. Whatdaya think of the new blog layout?
16. The header is a little craptastic but it will do.
17. I finished Anne of Green Gables today.
18. I started Anne of Avonlea immediately after.
19. They are such wonderful books.
20. Next I am going to Netflix the old PBS specials of them.
21. Or rather, ask my mom to Netflix them for me.
22. Obviously something like Nextflix would not be in the new and improved budget.
23. Isaac hurt himself in the bathtub tonight doing push-ups.
24. When questioned why, he answered "Because they make you healthy and strong".
25. True.
26. But who's kid is this anyways?
27. Clearly not mine
28. Or his dad's for that matter.
29. (just saying)
30. I feel like I have a terrible headcold.
31. But my eyes are itchy so it must be allergies.
32. Or I could possible have pink eye AND a head cold.
33. In which case, I definitely should NOT return to work tomorrow.
34. It was so lovely to sleep in today.
35. I'm giving Margie Clark an Undomestic Goddess shoutout.
36. She's a stealth reader apparently.
37. I really like my new dentist.
38. He and his wife have a practice together which I think is so cute.
39. I really can't wait for summer vacation.
40. I'm mentally SPENT.
41. I have some students this year who are real pickles and I think we would all enjoy a break from each other.
42. I also have some adults I could use six weeks break from.
43. Things can get tense in a non-air conditioned elementary school.
44. Especially when you add 26 five years olds to the mix.
45. This will be the first year though that I will be giving up students to other teachers in the building. Last year I kept them all and the ones I didn't keep all ended up leaving the school for various reasons.
46. It will be a little sad to see some of my guys as SECOND graders next year.
47. But whatever, life goes on.
48. I sucked up one of Isaac's toy cars in the vacuum.
49. I cannot find it in the hose or anywhere in the vacuum though.
50. The vacuum is still working at about 50% capacity though, so who knows.

ick

(not actually me) =P

So I am an avid watcher of Intervention. When an addict's family is trying to help their loved one get into treatment, the counselor generally tells them that the addict must hit rock bottom. He then works with the family to set firm boundaries that can help speed along the process of the addict hitting a "bottom".

Well, I have been really, really struggling with my finances and budgeting and this weekend I sort of hit a bottom.

Not rock bottom, I'm not filing bankruptcy or losing my home or anything.

But I did hit sort of a bottom.

I ran home to my parents house in Lancaster to have a good cry with my folks and to sort through a huge stack of bills and try to get things in order. It was much easier to have someone help me deal with each sheet of paper and make a budget. Aside from the nuts of bolts of working in excel and crunching numbers we also had a pretty good talk about my life and the patterns it seems to follow.

Realities:

• A tactic I use often in my life is avoidance. I will physically avoid my problems (for example, not going to the mailbox, or not opening my bills) or just avoid thinking about them or dealing with them.
• Refusing to deal with my problems doesn't help me actually avoid the stress. It still manifests itself physically in the form of crippling headaches, upset stomachs and skin rashes. So best to just deal with things and ask for help.
• I am still trying to live the lifestyle that I lived when I lived at home with my parents/the lifestyle that my childless mortgage-less friends live. This cannot continue. I need to get into frugal mom mode ASAP.
• Along the same lines, I must learn to say no to other people, to Isaac and to myself. I do not have to take Isaac to every birthday party he is invited to. I do not have to buy candy/flowers/sandwich coupons to support my coworkers kid's fundraisers every time they ask. I do not have to attend every jewelry, candle, Tastefully Simple or retirement party for my coworkers. I do not have to attend every school function. I can't go out to eat with my girlfriends whenever they ask. When I'm hungry I need to go home and eat leftovers instead of going to Wawa. I can no longer kill an hour wandering around Target and tossing whatever catches my eye into the cart. I can't buy tickets for every concert or play that I would like. I simply cannot afford it. This one is really hard for me. I am not one of those mom's that revels in clipping coupons and going a year without a haircut. But it's time to get serious about cutting back.
• I'm not going to elaborate much on this one but you know that old expression "For every finger you point and someone else, there are three more pointing right back at you?" I think there is truth to qualities that I despise in others are the ones I might recognize within myself. It tough to deal with.

Then I had a lovely sleep in the pink spare room and went to church with them in the morning. I picked Isaac up from his dad's and brought him back there and we stayed for dinner and played outside. It was a lovely little retreat. Coming home this evening I feel better able to face things and I have some action items on my to do list that can help me move forward rather than just be stuck in a mire of anxiety and fear. So to recap, I have the best family in the world, I'm facing and dealing with my problems, and I can't go to the movies for the next three years at least. How was your weekend?

heavy things

"For if thou altogether holdest thy peace at this time... deliverance [will come] from another place....Who knoweth whether thou art come... for such a time as this?" --Esther 4:14

I was reminded of that verse last weekend at Time Out for Women in the 'burgh.

It reminds me of a current work situation. Remember this post?

Well they posted a recent update that she failed to show up to court and is now considered a fugitive. I take a little comfort in that, knowing that it will keep the kids out of her care for longer.

I am in the midst of another horribly sad situation at my school along the same lines (abuse/neglect) which brought this scripture to mind again. That is definitely the hardest part of my job. I don't want to post about particulars, but the day that I came to a full understanding of what home life looks like for one of my little defenseless kindergartners. I literally became physically ill and could barely move off my mom's couch for the evening. I'm a really sensitive person and that aspect of my job isn't something that I have gotten any better at coping with. More than once I have had to ask for the person to stop providing me with the details if there is nothing that is going to change for them. I just cannot handle it.

Anyways, CPS were only called for the first kid because of the persistance in me and my assistants in documenting signs of neglect. We are in a similar pattern with the current situation. This student's caregiver stormed into the school and was very upset about our reports. I guess she is feeling the heat finally. My principal explained that we are mandated reporters and that we will continue to report things. It is up to the authorities to make the decisions and judgements about what we report to them.

I don't think I could rest at night if I knew I wasn't doing everything in my power to to ensure the safety and well being of each of my students. The things you see/hear about just break your heart.

As the verse says, I can be quiet and deliverance may come from another place but with such a transient population and so many kids off and on my caseload, who's to say our paths didn't briefly cross for this exact purpose? Especially with this particular situation, I really feel like God prepared me and softened my heart (and other people as well) to be more aware of things that had been overlooked previously.

I feel like I am not being terribly eloquent. I hope you got where I am going with this. It's something I sort of wanted to process and get out.

"Driving sideways..."

It's an Aimee Mann kind of night. I adore those albums. I listened to them over and over in college. She is very much like Counting Crows in that when you pull out lyrics they don't seem as meaningful. So much of it is in the music and the delivery. I'm trying to mellow out.

I am feeling a lot of anxiety about the summer, the school end of this school year, the start of the next, money worries, summer employment, my parents traveling, etc. As much as I am looking forward to summer, there are still quite a few question marks about it, and I just don't do well with uncertainty and transitions. I called my mom in tears because I am already panicked over who will be there for Isaac's first day of school (even though she has already assured me over and over she will come out since I will have to work). The beginning weeks of the school year are always intense. New students to get to know, back to school openhouse, and this year it will be Jenny's wedding the Friday before school starts plus getting Isaac ready for kindergarten. It seriously makes me hyperventilate.

But that is months away. And I need to be living in the moment.

And staying calm.

And breathing.

And sleeping. ..

blah

I'm uninspired to blog lately.
I feel extra chubby. Which makes me feel ashamed and gross. Which makes me feel depressed. Which makes me want to eat.
I'm dealing with a huge workload and several extremely stressful work situations. I'm struggling with leaving work at work emotionally and in terms of workload. I'm trying to set better boundaries with it.
I can't decide if my new jeans are really comfortable or if they are "mom jeans". I can't believe I might be old enough to accidently buy mom jeans. If this is the case, someone please do an intervention.
My old nieghbor called me up and gave me two huge bags of brand name clothes and shoes in fabulous condition. This woman has clothed Isaac since he was a baby. I'm so lucky.
She lives right across the street from my old house. I wonder if I will ever be able to drive past it without welling up with tears that someone else is in MY house.
They cancelled the early dismissal the kids were supposed to have Friday.
My house is in a perpetual state of CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome). It's getting really embarassing. I'm staying on top of the dishes and that's about it.
As we speak PDH is at the Bon Jovi Concert that I bought tickets for us Christmas. I lost custody of my ticket when I iniated the break-up. I had been looking forward to that concert for, literally, months. But I wasn't about to shell out more money for more tickets. Grrrr....

At least spring break is next week!!!

Showers are overrated

So is make up. And matching socks. Blah. Firstly, it was brought to my attention that I had somehow disabled comments. I think I fixed that. Sorry about that. Feel free to comment away. Today was one of those horrible days when you just want to throw in the towel and pull the covers over your head. Just one of those totally thankless days when all you do is for other people and you just want to scream "I'M RUNNING AWAY AND YOU CAN ALL DEAL WITH YOUR OWN PROBLEMS!" and you can't even get a shower without something horrible going awry. I woke up today to see another pile of puke and about six more of the mystery streaks that yesterday I assumed were urine streaks. Today I decided they were too brownish and streaky to be urine stains and I began to worry it was blood from Saffron's incision (she was just recently spayed). So I called the vet, loaded up Isaac, headed over to Banfield and found out... she is fine. Her incision looks great. I come home from the vet, do Chuck E Cheese with Isaac (which in case we've never met is my personal hell on earth. Especially on a Saturday). Then I come home and try to tackle the house I go down to the basement to move the laundry along and see another pile puke down there. I go to clean it up and I realize that this pile of puke has something weird in it and upon closer inspection and realize it is about five inches of skinny christmas ribbon. At this point I am concerned and I call the vet back. The vet is now closed for the weekend and they refered me to Metropolitian, a hospital. SO I call Metropolitian and they think it justifies coming in and they sound really concerned. So I load up Cody (who is miserable, howling and hissing) and Isaac (who was also rather miserable at the thought of sitting around a boring doctor's office for the second time in one day) and head out to Trooper. The doctor was very nice but they pretty much tell me that he probably has ribbon still inside him which is super dangerous and will probably cut his intestines all up. His abdomen is tender and swollen and he is dehydrated from all of the puking. There is no way to know for sure if he puked all the ribbon up without an x-ray (which even then the ribbon won't be visible but it will see if his gut is in the right shape) which runs around 745 bucks. Ideally they would like to open him up and make sure the ribbon is all the way out. This procedure runs about 2800 bucks. Yeah 2800 bucks. Obviously I had to decline. I have handraised Cody from the time he was a tiny baby on his way to the SPCA. I love him as much as anyone could ever love a cat. But that is an obscene amount of money and I absolutely cannot afford or justify it in any way. I opted for them to give him an IV of fluids to keep him hydrated and to take him home. If he keeps puking I will know the ribbon is still there. If he can keep from puking tomorrow I can offer him water and then eventually this super bland stomach friendly cat food they gave me. He did puke up some more stomach bile on the way home in the car. I'm terribly concerned. Oh and even this cost a pretty penny. I won't say how much, but let's just say it rhymes with rue-hundred dollars. Emergency pet medicine is not cheap my friends. In light of all of this, I felt like I should cancel my plans to go iceskating in the city with some girlfriends I haven't seen in forever, because I need to keep a close eye on Cody and monitor him for more puking, heavy breathing, etc. That was terribly disappointing, especially considering the way I have felt lately and the stars had actually aligned and I had a sitter and everything. So then I am upstairs scrubbing cat puke out of the carpet and Isaac decides he is too lazy to get up to go to the bathroom (the game was playing on the computer didn't have a pause option he later explained) and so he peed all over the kitchen floor. And didn't discover it until I stepped in it. And I flipped out. It was the absolute last straw of the day. And I spanked him which I rarely do. I felt terrible afterwards and we were both crying. Just no more bodily fluids please. Blah. I didn't even have a chance to get a shower today. Now I am sitting on the couch eating raw cookie dough (a gift from a student) and drinking diet coke (discovered an unopened can in my car when I was cleaning-- see, I'm sticking to the budget!) and savoring the History Channel because tomorrow the cable gets turned off. I cancelled my cable and landline. I love TV. I have never been one of those people that says snidely"Oh I don't even own a TV" or "I hate watching TV". I love it. Give me Bravo Reality shows. Give me medical oddities (I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant anyone?) Give me the History Channel. I love it all. But, even with my newly negotiated price it is still a total extra and still a want and not a need, and in my current financial state, I can't justify it any longer. It's part of being a grown up and being self reliant. This quote by Julie B Beck pretty much outlines my goals for the new year (and this past year too) Emphasis added: “‘Self-reliance means using all of our blessings from Heavenly Father to care for ourselves and our families and to find solutions for our own problems.’ Each of us has a responsibility to try to avoid problems before they happen and to learn to overcome challenges when they occur....How do we become self-reliant? We become self-reliant through obtaining sufficient knowledge, education, and literacy; by managing money and resources wisely, being spiritually strong, preparing for emergencies and eventualities, and by having physical health and social and emotional well-being.” (“The Welfare Responsibilities of the Relief Society President,” Basic Principles of Welfare and Self-Reliance [2009], 4-5). Self Reliance in 2010! Here I come! Without cable! Anyhow, onto THE LIST:

Figure out which library I am supposed to go to now since the closest library is in a different county. Check out books and movies for me and Isaac. Order camera cord from ebay Bring bags of donated clothes to Goodwill Finish putting away all Christmas decorations Make car appointment. Figure out how to pay for new tires/brakes. Organize downstairs coat closet. Tidy/organize garage.

Clean/vacuum car. <--- okay, so I still need to vacuum. I totally drove by the carwash and then decided it was just too bitterly cold. Maybe tomorrow...

Call student loan people. <--- not open on the weekend. Duh. Will call Monday

Get hair dye and go back to brunette. Once again, the highlights are going by the wayside in the name of cutting expenses.

Figure out how to clean the inside of the oven. <--- well I found out that I don't have a self cleaning button or anything. I guess I will have to buy some oven cleaner. Don't see this happenning before next weekend.

Go swimming at the Y with Isaac. <-- this got put on the back burner for today with all of the cat drama. Will try to go sometime this week. Maybe Tuesday.

Plan menu for the next few weeks.

Finish up Season 2 of Big Bang Theory and return. <--- finished this up. Will return next time I see my friend who loaned it to me.

Write out goals for the new year. <--- began this

Overall, it was a pretty productive week, although I didn't get to everything on my list. And there's still tomorrow for menu planning and goal writing.

What's new in your world?

12/11

Lisa's Random Thoughts * Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish friends... (Is that spelled correctly? I have been playing with the spelling for seriously, like, five minutes) . * Today was freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing. I felt like the worst mom ever for not sending Isaac to school in a hat and gloves. Turned out they didn't take the kids outside so that was all good. * I think a stress related nervous break down at work is becoming a new pre-Christmas tradition. Last year on the last day of school before break I had a legitimate tantrum in my classroom that involved throwing objects and screaming. I can feel it coming this year... * They are providing only 100 flu shots for school district employees. I better get one. * The Daily Show with John Stewart is seriously one of my favorite shows. * I'm obsessed with blogs. And facebook. Here I sit refreshing and reading and I have a dishwasher full of clean dishes to put away and baskets of laundry to be dealt with. * I think I'm seeing Fantastic Mr. Fox tonight. * My cousin posted this on his FB. You know how I feel about Bella, so I thought this was funny.

* Isaac this morning ran into my room naked and shouted "Shake what your MAMA gave ya!"

Lots of tears...

Why does it have to be so hard to find good childcare??? Isaac has been at his new school for about a month now and it's not going well. Here are my issues:

• He's miserable. He cries at drop off which he never did and he tells me he cries all day. He also tells me he plays by himself and not with the other kids and from what I have observed at drop off and pick up, this is true. I expected tears at the beginning. He doesn't do well with transitions and saying good-bye. At his other school his teacher was very warm and friendly and great at distracting him and drawing him into whatever the group was doing. At his new school he is ignored until it is time for me to cross the threshold when the teacher comes over and restrains him as she slams the door. I generally go around the corner and wait a few minutes, hoping I will peek in to see him playing or working but he continues to stand there all alone sobbing pathetically and being completely ignored. This is the very worst one for me. If my kid has to be away from me for eight hours a day I want it to be at a place he is liked and he is happy.

• Food. They have an onsite cook and they provide lunch at no charge. The problem is their lunch is it. They allow no outside food because of concerns with allergies, etc. I get the allergy thing. I really do. At his last school there was a kid in his class who was literally allergic to almost everything (nuts, soy, eggs, meats). Isaac is an extremely picky eater and for the first week or so at school he was eating nothing all day. Apparently they have no alternatives and they feel that preschoolers want to eat things like chicken stir fry. Also, a copy of the menu is not sent for home for parents. It is posted in the classroom and you are just supposed to memorize it. I put my foot down and said that my kid was not going to go from 7:30 to 4:30 and not eat anything and I insisted on sending a lunch in. I have been sending in pre-packaged foods (like lunchables) with food labels so they can be aware of any allergens. The other day I sent a lunchable that had two very small cookies. The cookies were still in his lunch bag when I picked him up. I asked him how come he didn't want his cookies and he said "The teacher said no desserts allowed." How stupid is that???

• Lack of communication. At his last school they went above and beyond in terms of communication. I got a full sheet on Isaac specifically each day and the back had a typed up summary of what the class did that day. I also got a weekly newsletter from his classroom and a weekly newletter from the school. I have not recieved anything so far from his school. I asked today and was told that I should recieve a monthly newsletter. For the younger ones they do a daily sheet but that by preschool they "expect the kids to tell their parents about their day". I tried to explain that Isaac was not able to reliably tell me things I want to know things like did he eat or not or did he cry all day and there is no one left at the end of the day who can tell me that. She then said "Yeah he doesn't seem like a communicator. Even with kids and teachers in the classroom he doesn't communicate." The way she said made it seem like Isaac is autistic or has communication problems. Isaac does not have problems communicating-- he has a huge vocabulary and he is very used to talking to adults since he has grown up in a household of adults. The problem is he is shy and uncomfortable!!!

• General unfriendliness/lack of structure. I'm not greeted warmly. Isaac is not greeted warmly. My concerns are addressed in a way that seems to imply that I am being difficult. One day Isaac had an accident during naptime and I was told that "He refused to use the toilet before nap". The assistant is always leaning against the front cabinet monitoring the kids but never interacting. The other day she was actually filing her nails when she walked in. I have dropped off and picked up at several different times and while the kids are always engaged it always seems to be free play. Is this a summer thing? Isaac never comes home with papers or art projects. What the heck are the kids doing all day? Evidently Isaac is supposed to be telling me this.

So now I feel really horrible. School starts tomorrow for me and I just don't know what to do. I am literally in tears after every drop off and pick up. I don't know if I should try to find another preschool in Pottstown or what. I looked into most of the local ones and this one seemed to be the best. In a desperate moment I did call his other school. They said they would be happy to take him back but they are soooo far away. That would mean driving 1/2 hour out to Oaks, then 1/2 hour back to Pottstown to go to work, then an hour after work each day to pick him up. Tons of wasted gas and time spent in the car, leaving the house earlier. And it seems so silly when I live and work in Pottstown to keep him in Oaks. but it is only a year and it might be worth it for the peace of mind of knowing he is happy and well cared for and liked. Also, next week he will moving up to the Pre-K classroom which will be the same kids but a new classroom and new teacher. Should I hold out until then? Should I send him back to the fabulous but faraway Bright Horizons? How long should I give it?

Any thoughts or advice are much appreciated.

Why does being a mom have to be sooooooooo hard????

Life is looking up

Man for a couple of weeks there I didn't think I was going to make it. I was coming home from school everyday crying hysterically and then working four more hours at home. Things are definitely getting better, which is a relief. The kids are getting into a rhythm, I'm getting a better handle on things, and I am getting a little more help. Thankfully the other autistic team members are AWESOME. If I had difficult or unfriendly coworkers it would be completely unbearable but everyone is so helpful and nice. So hopefully things will just keep getting better and better. I am not waking up totally nauseous anymore as I was for the first 25 days of school or so, so that's a good thing. In other news, I am going to see Counting Crows again at the end of the month! Hurray! Unfortuneatly, it is in North Jersey on a school night, and I am not allowed to take a personal day following the concert (report cards are due). But it will be totally worth it I'm sure. I'm going with my good friend and randomly assigned freshman year roommate Nicole, so it will be a real treat to see her again as well. I saw them in August and it was a super fun show but a short set since they were opening for Maroon 5. It will be fun to see them in a more intimate venue and a longer set. I am not 100% sure but I am thinking this will be close to the tenth time I have seen them. Let's see, what else? I get paid next week and I am definitely getting a new camera then. It's so torturous for a scrapbooker to be camera-less! So expect a lot more pictures in the future. Isaac is so funny. He cracks me up on a regular basis. It is just so obvious to me that he lives in a household of adults. He is on a new kick now of choosing his own outfits and there is absolutely NO changing his mind when he is set on one. He has lots of cute clothes but he puts them together in ways that make him look absurd. It bothers me a lot more than it bothers my mom, who gets him dressed every morning. I have definitely picked him up at school and been like "What on earth are you wearing???" In other news, when I picked him up last week at his dad's he said casually "I hate it here". His dad was hurt and I was so embarassed. He doesn't understand what he is saying, but I still felt horrible. His Dad really makes an effort for Isaac. I don't believe in spanking, but I wanted to flip Isaac over and give him a good whack. It didn't help that his dad accused me of encouraging thoughts like that, which couldn't be farther from the truth.... Well I better wrap this up. I need to get my stuff together for tomorrow and I am already nodding off. Isaac woke up at 5:15 this morning. Of course by the time I managed to settle him with a movie and relax enough to drift off my alarm was ringing. He has been waking up so early lately and it is driving me crazy! Anyways, that's all for now....

Wow-- long time no blog

It's been a long time since I blogged. I don't even know where to start. Work is EXHAUSTING. There is more work to be done than is humanly possible and I literally spend nearly every waking hour doing stuff for school. I hope it gets better, because if I have to do this for a whole year I will go absolutely insane. I have no balance in my life. I am so stressed about it all the time. If I wake up in the middle of the night I can't go back to sleep because my mind starts racing about stuff for school. I wake up nauseous from stress every morning and I can't usually bring myself to eat anything until snack time with the kids. By Saturday night I am already sick in anticipation of Monday. It's hard. The other day I saw a mailman delivering mail and I found myself longing to work for the postal service. How sad is that? I miss Isaac. He is such a sweet little boy and my time with him now is so fleeting. It makes me feel horrible. If I can't make him more of a priority then what is the point of everything I'm doing? Fortuneatly he is mommy's angel and the kid cracks me up on a regular basis. My mom bought him a goldfish which he has named Dorothy and he is crazy about it. He came in my room sometime between six and seven yesterday with a little green net asking if he could clean the fish bowl. He is also starting to understand our family dynamics a little more. He understands now that Grandpa is my dad (he used to insist that grandpa was his dad). Now when Grandpa walks in the door Isaac will say "Mommy, you're dad is home!" and then laugh hysterically like it's a joke. He still doesn't have a clue about my mom. He has told me more than once that my mom is his OTHER mommy. While this is essentially true, I would rather him not going around telling people he has two mommies. People might get the wrong idea. I had a good talk with my dad last night (while cutting out seven feet of lamination). We have decided unless we find a cheap little house less than 5 miles from my parents I am going to keep living here until Isaac is ready to go to school. It just makes more sense. Although a part of me is disappointed, a part of me is relieved. They have plenty of room for me and it would add a whole new dimension of stress to my life to be on my own right now with Isaac. I have come to the conclusion that I would like to buy some cowboy boots. I was putting away some of my summer clothes and pulling out some of the fall/winter stuff and I decided that my wardrobe is seriously lacking some cowboy boots. Changing our closets over from season to season is one of my favorite things to do. I love culling out the old stuff and packing up all the shoes and pulling out all the new stuff. Fall is definitely in the air now, and I am looking forward to high boots and sweaters. I have a celebrity crush on the rapper T.I. How terrible is that? Well I supposed I should get ready for church...