I'm out of control...

Ugh. Isaac's dad and I have been fighting the last few days and it has really been bringing me down. Last night we had a big explosion and I am still reeling from it.

The conversation started off okay but unravelled quickly. Within 15 minutes I was straight up screaming at him at the top of my lungs. He pushes my buttons in a way that literally no one else does. I am not a confrontational person at all. I would normally bend over backward to avoid conflict or discord. But any percieved criticism from him puts me on the defense and even though he has never raised his voice to me, or even used rough language, it seems that is is only a matter of time until I have totally lost all composure with him and am screaming like a lunatic and totally out of control.

The fight was a continuation of a fight that started the day before and really is a continuation of the same old fight it feels like we have been having forever. Yesterday morning I suggested that since we obviously both feel strongly about certain things and clearly we do not communicate well with each other and we both feel the other doesn't understand our own point of view, perhaps we should see some kind of counselor that could help us work through some of the big sticking points. Of course, he refused, saying he doesn't need any help and if I would just accept the things he wants completely there wouldn't be a problem. Cause clearly THAT's worked well for the past seven years. The things we are arguing over are things that can't easily be changed or compromised on, things that are extremely important to each of us. We both have dug in our heels and feel that the other won't see things from our point of view. I feel that I am willing to compromise on certain issues, but he is not willing to compromise at all.

The one issue I have proposed a compromise on is the same old arguement over Isaac's last name. We both would like Isaac to have our last name. Currently, Isaac only has one last name, which is mine. I am willing to hyphenate so he has both of our last names. He wishes for Stephenson to be Isaac's middle name and won't hear of anything different or consider any compromise. I keep trying to explain to him that the same reasons he feels strongly about Isaac having his last name are the same reasons that I feel strongly about him keeping mine. And also, really, it's already been done and he can't make me change it. But he just keeps repeating it over and over like it's a new idea that we have never talked about before "Isaac will have my last name and Stephenson will be his middle name". Not "what if" or "how about" or "it would mean a lot to me if" just "you will do this" which of course makes me say "To hell with you, I'll do whatever I want." He can't understand why I feel just as strongly as he does that he keeps my last name as well. His attitude was just the last straw and I totally lost it and started shouting and ranting like a crazy woman. Living in a townhouse, I am sure my neighbor's heard everything. He icily said that he thought we should end the conversation now while he could still be the bigger person, before he stooped to my level. Which, I mean, is true. I would never tolerate him treating me the way I end up treating him. I concluded the conversation by screaming and hurling the phone across the room.

I am so ashamed and disappointed with myself. After we fight, I think back to the conversations and so much of what I have said was so combative and unnecessary, just me lashing out in an effort to hurt him before he hurts me. These arguments bring out the very worst side of me. I am always berating him for being over the top passive aggressive (which he is). But in a way, how can I even blame him for not want to bring issues to the table, because it is very rare that I can discuss anything in a rational way. I think I need to go to a counselor. Even if M refuses to come with me to have a neutral party be a mediator, at least maybe a counselor could give me some tips on how to handle these conversations when they do arise and give me some strategies to use or something. The level of anger that I am unloading during these arguements is scary and intense. Clearly I need a healthier way to release the emotions that are bottled up inside me.

So that's that. Ick.

not exactly pristine...

I've noticed a disturbing trend on some blogs lately. It seems that many mommies in blog lands mysteriously have kitchens that look like this:

Source

Or this....

Source

Not even a dirty mug and some bagel crumbs on the counter, let alone stray underwear, crayons, rollerskates, briefcase, school projects, unopened mail that are magnetically drawn to all surfaces in my kitchen.

If you only saw kitchens like the ones above all day, you might start to feel pretty bad about yourself.

Let me lift your self esteem...

And let me introduce you to my floor...

Bad to worse...

I was home from school today.

Did some cooking and baking for the week.

And I made a big mess.

I wish I was not the kind of person who struggles with things like getting up early, tidying up after myself, staying on top of things...

I'm trying though, to be better.

two worlds

This weekend I spent a good deal of time out in the Lancaster area with my mom. We had a nice day going from thrift store to thrift store looking for treasure amongst the trash. Partway through our day we stopped at Isaac's, a restaurant (not to be confused with Isaac, my offspring), to grab some lunch. As we were getting out of the car, I observed a man, a woman and a child in the parking lot. I don't think most people would have taken any notice, but I immediately recognized the weekend child swap. The two cars parked next to each other but with an empty spot between them for breathing room. The man was standing in this divide awkwardly hugging and conversing with his daughter, who was maybe seven or eight. The woman had the door open and was busy rummaging around the backseat of her car, arranging bags or reinstalling a carseat. I only saw them for a moment, I didn't have a chance to see how well the girl was able to jump from daddy's world to mommy's world. I wish I did. I want some reassurance that it will somehow get easier. I am very interested to hear of any other takes on this. Isaac has at least four of these transitions a month (he spends every other weekend with his dad) for almost the past four years. When we lived closer together, he would spend time every weekend with his dad, and for a brief period, even some weekday evenings. There have been some times when it was easy, especially when Isaac was a toddler/preschooler. A seamless transition from me to him with him rushing off into his dad's apartment to find his toys, tossing a "Bye mom!" over his shoulder as he ran off. But usually it is not. More along the lines his dad having to hold him back as I left and me hearing his cries even out to the parking lot as I got in my car to pull away. Isaac's dad M. is certainly not a "Disneyland Daddy". Sometimes I think that is almost part of the problem. I think Isaac enjoys the time he spends with his father, but I don't think he especially looks forward to it. Generally I start to remind Isaac on the Monday before that this will be his weekend with Daddy. Usually at some point during the week, he will express that he doesn't want to go to his dad's, he wants to stay here with me. I try to reassure him, but it's hard. The Thursday before he goes, we pack his suitcase and I try to get him to think of things he might want to take along to do, or to show his dad. Generally, he isn't too interested. Friday morning I remind him again that I will pick him from school and we will be going to Daddy's house. When I pick him from school and suddenly he is in that "in between" transitional space and he doesn't do well there. He is almost always upset because I pick him up much earlier than other days and his play time at the Y is disrupted. He will usually start to cry and tantrum as we get in the car, often refusing to put on his seatbelt and screaming that he doesn't want to go or that he hates me. It gets worse when we approach the four way stop by his school and I go straight and not left towards home and he knows it's for real. The good news is that it takes about 25 minutes to get to the Walgreen's near M's work, which is the halfway point and the site of our "exchange". By the time we get there, Isaac is resigned to his fate and will usually get into his dad's car calmly, if not somewhat woodenly. I always remind him before he gets out of my car to say hello to his dad, but most often he won't. He just silently hops into his carseat and lets me kiss him goodbye. When we meet up again in the same spot on Sunday he doesn't generally say good-bye to his dad without prompting and usually he starts on me before we even gets into my car. Take today for example. He gets out of his dad's car and tells me he is thirsty and wants to go into Walgreen's to buy a drink. This is a routine. I will often let him go in and choose a snack or candy or special treat from the store before we head home. In my head, I am helping him with the transition and probably, on some level, trying to prove that I am the fun parent who says "yes" while daddy is the parent who has undoubtedly told him "no" as they sat there waiting for me. (Side note-- his dad is almost always at our swap spot at least fifteen minutes early for no apparent reason. This often results in Isaac perceiving that I am late to get him, when in reality I am right on time. No amount of explaining will convince him otherwise. Drives me crazy). Anyways, today I said no. My budget is tight, and I am trying to cut silly little shopping trips like this out. Isaac became enraged and kicks my car door twice and refuses to get in the car. We are in a stand off, which his dad glances at passively as he pulls away. Finally Isaac gets in the car but refuses to put on his seatbelt, so I have to do it for him. The whole way home, he alternates between screaming/crying ("I'm thirsty!!!"), curling up in a ball with his head on his knees and giving me the silent treatment (such as when I finally pull into a McDonald's drive through to get him a drink and then he refuses to answer me when I ask him what he wants), and giving me snotty, venom filled replies that I would expect to be hurled at me from the lips of a greasy haired teenager, not my precious almost six year old. This goes on for the next 20 minutes or so. He is angry that I won't stop at Target for a toy. Then he has to the bathroom. When I pull over at a Wegman's to let him go, he angrily tells me that this is not a grocery store. He also is furious that I am calling him Isaac, which he now declares is "not his name". I try to joke with him to break him out of his mood but he won't engage. (I know better than to inquire about how his weekend was, or ask what he did at daddy's. He never wants to discuss it in the car or in response to my questioning. Sometimes, he will share with me later on his own terms). When we get into the grocery store, not the place we usually shop and which he has never set foot in, he insists he knows where the bathrooms are and refuses to follow me. On the way to the bathroom he looks up at me disdainfully and says "I have an idea mom. Can you do me a favor and just not talk to me for a while? Yeahthanks." I gritted my teeth, resisting the impulse to slap him, and said "No problem." He then declared he was going into the men's room so that he wouldn't have to be with me anymore. The Wegman's we stopped at is huge. It has a big restaurant inside it, a kids area with a TV and an enormous shopping area with little stands and people offering samples. The ceiling has an enormous train track with a locomotive circling the dairy section. When he emerged from the bathroom and back into the hustle and bustle of the store, he softened somewhat, reached up and took my hand, and said "Mommy, could we stay here for a little bit? Could we shop or get something to eat?" It was like someone had turned a switch and he was suddenly back to my charming little boy again. We wandered around for a bit, people watching, laughing and joking. When we got back into the car, unprompted he shared with me that he had wet himself that morning at his dad's, because it was dark when he woke up and he was too afraid to go by himself down the dark hallway to the bathroom. We talked about how next time I would send along a flashlight to keep there, so that wouldn't happen again. His dad never shares much about their weekends together. He is a man of few words. I don't know if he gets any backlash during the transit between parental worlds, or if I bare the brunt of naughty behavior. I know it must be terribly overwhelming for a five year old to transition back and forth and all of this acting out is his way dealing with his feelings. But there has to be an easier way?? In an ideal world we would meet at a park and Isaac would play for a while before one of us said good-bye, seamlessly transitioning Isaac from one parent to the other. Or his dad would pick him up from school, eliminating me from the entire equation. But that's just not possible. The Walgreen's car switch is pretty much how it needs to be. Anyone out there have any tips or tricks? Brilliant insights? I want to be the caring mom helping transition, but I also don't want to be pushover, throwing treats at him and tolerating his ridiculous behavior.

warning: If you see me IRL I may rip your head off

Ugh. PMS + lack of sleep + too much work + overwhelming mommy guilt has turned me into a rather miserable person the past few days. I'm fairly sure even my own parents are screening their calls from me at this point. I'm only one person who is just spread too thin. I fell asleep face down on the couch for 30 minutes today at around 7 o'clock. So much for Zumba. I just can't make it. Anyways, Isaac's dad just got screamed at for insinuating that I wasn't putting forth an effort to get Isaac into a fall soccer program (backstory, I totally dropped the ball on sign-ups for his normal league, and it is too late for him to play. I have been scouring the internet, making phone calls etc, but everything is full, is for toddlers or is waaaaaaaaaaay too expensive. Now his dad wants me to go over to the fields of his old league and just linger around asking people if he can play. I'm not going to do that. I feel HORRIBLE about missing sign ups but when it really comes down to it, he will play in the spring and if he misses one season of soccer is it really the end of the world? No, it is not.). Anyways, I ended up just straight up psychotically screamed at him about how come it's always up to me to figure this stuff out and he could just drive over here and linger around the soccer fields like a creeper if it's so freakin important to him and it's so easy for him to be critical when I am the one that does 98% of the parenting. He was being nagging and irritating, that was certainly not an appropriate response. He even said to me "If I was screaming at you the way you are talking to me how would you feel?" and I had to admit I would hang up on him.

My cavity is killing me. I MUST call and schedule my root canal I have been in denial about needing all summer now. It is to the point where the entire side of my head is radiating pain almost all of the time, which is certainly not helping my irritability. Tomorrow is back to school night (for me as a teacher, not me as a parent). 13 hours of work. Ugh, enough said.

I haven't seen my friends or done anything social in several weeks due to wedding mania. This weekend I will be out of town again for my old college roommate Nicole's wedding in New York. That puts me out of town something like 5 out of the last 6 weekends.

I'm out of cat food.

My sink is filled with dishes and I am always out of clean spoons.

I have nothing creative to pack for lunch.

And poor Isaac. What I really need to do is slow down and make time to give him my complete and undivided attention. To stop hurrying him along rushing him in and out of clothes and in and out of the car and shuffling him from babysitter to babysitter. It's too much.

Anyways, I will end the whine-fest now. I'm going to forget the pile of work I brought home with me and just go to bed early. Yes my life is an out of control carousel but everything is harder to deal with when you are exhausted and lonely.

Quickly

• I survived the wedding-- part 1 at least. Next weekend will be about 17 hours in the car with my parents for the North Carolina reception. Assuming that a hurricane doesn't cancel it.
• I would post a picture but I didn't take a single one. Maybe some of my relatives will send a few my way so I can share how awesomely tan I was (oh and I guess you might want to see my sister too).
• In the midst of wedding madness school has started again and I went from having a completely open and empty schedule to once again being stretched entirely too thin. I feel like I am doing a half-assed job at everything, namely: my job, keeping up the house, and being a decent mom. I still have a dufflebag at the foot of my bed that has not been unpacked from the shore, I've seen Isaac awake this week for probably a grand total of 4 hours, and I realized tonight I never registered him for soccer and now all the areas leagues are closed. I seriously cried when I realized that. I'll get my life together in a little bit, but the beginning of the school year always makes me feel like I am going to die.

Exhaustion, extreme heat, loneliness and guilt are getting the better of me. I'll be back in, like, a week or two.

Not Me Monday

I am NOT completely obsessed with my bagless vacuum. I do NOT repeatedly take out the canister and examine what I have sucked up before and after each new room. I do NOT feel a huge sense of satisfaction as a dump the contents into the trash can. I did NOT skip out of church after Sacrament Meeting this week. Isaac won't go to primary without me and I couldn't bring myself to balance on a tiny sunbeam sized chair and endure Sharing Time this week. EPIC MORMON MOTHER FAIL. We have NOT each been missing one shoe for over a week now (his croc and my red sneaker). All of my closets and bedrooms are perfectly organized and important things like sneakers are never lost or misplaced. They are always in their proper place where we can find them easily. I did NOT allow Isaac to eat Honey Nut Cheerios straight from the box for pretty much every meal this weekend. This is NOT how my hair has looked since Thursday. It's clean(ish), but with no AC at work, trying to excercise regularly, doing the windows down thing instead of the AC in the car, what is the point of running a comb through it when it? Also, going along with this picture, my principal did NOT ask me if I had pink eye. Nope, just never-ending seasonal allergies, thanks! I am not blogging when I should be preparing for my work week and tidying up the house. What have you NOT been doing this week?

You Know You are a Single Mom When...

--Your child, as a small toddler, is able to point out familiar fast food places on the road as you pass them and shouts out what you would order from there ("Medium Diet Coke!" or "Nachos Del Grande!") -- You've had to call your credit card company before you head out to the store to make sure your card won't be declined when you go to pay -- Popcorn in a bag purchased at Target has (at times) been deemed an acceptable dinner option -- You are expert of the downlow phone calls while driving, because you are forced to forever multi-task on your way to soccer, doctor, grocery store, etc.

-- When you are at work you are trying to do personal stuff (figure out how to take time off for dentist appointments, calling those people who are only around during business hours). When you are at home, you are trying to finish up work because you can't come in early or stay late like the other teachers.

-- Along the same lines, when you have to take a sick day and send the little one to daycare anyways, just to go to the doctor's office and get a hair cut in peace.

-- The daycare sends home father's day cards to mom.

-- You turn on the TV for noise when he's at his dad's for the weekend, because the house seems a little too quiet. -- Your car is a rolling apartment with snacks, drinks, changes of clothing, crayons, paper, books, a folding chair, a case of bottled water, action figures, trash bags, etc. -- You find yourself wanting to strangle the chick in RS who says "Well since my husband is in dental school/works long hours/travels a lot I'm basically a single mom." Girl, you have no idea. -- Your Netflix movies are, like, seven months old because you never have time to watch them. --Your five year old is unphased sitting on the stool waiting and watching while you get your eye brows waxed. -- You look forward to your weekend "off" but then find yourself working four hours later because you can't bear to go home to an empty house and then when you do get home, you are so exhausted you fall asleep before ten o'clock with the lights all on and the computer in your lap. So much for being a swingin' single... -- You start finding children's TV characters sort of attractive (overlooking the fact that they are clearly gay):

-- Your siblings see your name on caller id and answer the phone with "I already have plans this weekend, I can't babysit"....

-- Your son recognizes the symbols on bathroom doors, but thinks the women's one applies to him, because you are too terrified to let him use a public bathroom alone. -- You are fine with the fact that when navigating through your living room you will forever trip over a mess of small legos, blocks, action figures, soccer cleats, etc.

Anyone have anything else to add to the list?

Showers are overrated

So is make up. And matching socks. Blah. Firstly, it was brought to my attention that I had somehow disabled comments. I think I fixed that. Sorry about that. Feel free to comment away. Today was one of those horrible days when you just want to throw in the towel and pull the covers over your head. Just one of those totally thankless days when all you do is for other people and you just want to scream "I'M RUNNING AWAY AND YOU CAN ALL DEAL WITH YOUR OWN PROBLEMS!" and you can't even get a shower without something horrible going awry. I woke up today to see another pile of puke and about six more of the mystery streaks that yesterday I assumed were urine streaks. Today I decided they were too brownish and streaky to be urine stains and I began to worry it was blood from Saffron's incision (she was just recently spayed). So I called the vet, loaded up Isaac, headed over to Banfield and found out... she is fine. Her incision looks great. I come home from the vet, do Chuck E Cheese with Isaac (which in case we've never met is my personal hell on earth. Especially on a Saturday). Then I come home and try to tackle the house I go down to the basement to move the laundry along and see another pile puke down there. I go to clean it up and I realize that this pile of puke has something weird in it and upon closer inspection and realize it is about five inches of skinny christmas ribbon. At this point I am concerned and I call the vet back. The vet is now closed for the weekend and they refered me to Metropolitian, a hospital. SO I call Metropolitian and they think it justifies coming in and they sound really concerned. So I load up Cody (who is miserable, howling and hissing) and Isaac (who was also rather miserable at the thought of sitting around a boring doctor's office for the second time in one day) and head out to Trooper. The doctor was very nice but they pretty much tell me that he probably has ribbon still inside him which is super dangerous and will probably cut his intestines all up. His abdomen is tender and swollen and he is dehydrated from all of the puking. There is no way to know for sure if he puked all the ribbon up without an x-ray (which even then the ribbon won't be visible but it will see if his gut is in the right shape) which runs around 745 bucks. Ideally they would like to open him up and make sure the ribbon is all the way out. This procedure runs about 2800 bucks. Yeah 2800 bucks. Obviously I had to decline. I have handraised Cody from the time he was a tiny baby on his way to the SPCA. I love him as much as anyone could ever love a cat. But that is an obscene amount of money and I absolutely cannot afford or justify it in any way. I opted for them to give him an IV of fluids to keep him hydrated and to take him home. If he keeps puking I will know the ribbon is still there. If he can keep from puking tomorrow I can offer him water and then eventually this super bland stomach friendly cat food they gave me. He did puke up some more stomach bile on the way home in the car. I'm terribly concerned. Oh and even this cost a pretty penny. I won't say how much, but let's just say it rhymes with rue-hundred dollars. Emergency pet medicine is not cheap my friends. In light of all of this, I felt like I should cancel my plans to go iceskating in the city with some girlfriends I haven't seen in forever, because I need to keep a close eye on Cody and monitor him for more puking, heavy breathing, etc. That was terribly disappointing, especially considering the way I have felt lately and the stars had actually aligned and I had a sitter and everything. So then I am upstairs scrubbing cat puke out of the carpet and Isaac decides he is too lazy to get up to go to the bathroom (the game was playing on the computer didn't have a pause option he later explained) and so he peed all over the kitchen floor. And didn't discover it until I stepped in it. And I flipped out. It was the absolute last straw of the day. And I spanked him which I rarely do. I felt terrible afterwards and we were both crying. Just no more bodily fluids please. Blah. I didn't even have a chance to get a shower today. Now I am sitting on the couch eating raw cookie dough (a gift from a student) and drinking diet coke (discovered an unopened can in my car when I was cleaning-- see, I'm sticking to the budget!) and savoring the History Channel because tomorrow the cable gets turned off. I cancelled my cable and landline. I love TV. I have never been one of those people that says snidely"Oh I don't even own a TV" or "I hate watching TV". I love it. Give me Bravo Reality shows. Give me medical oddities (I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant anyone?) Give me the History Channel. I love it all. But, even with my newly negotiated price it is still a total extra and still a want and not a need, and in my current financial state, I can't justify it any longer. It's part of being a grown up and being self reliant. This quote by Julie B Beck pretty much outlines my goals for the new year (and this past year too) Emphasis added: “‘Self-reliance means using all of our blessings from Heavenly Father to care for ourselves and our families and to find solutions for our own problems.’ Each of us has a responsibility to try to avoid problems before they happen and to learn to overcome challenges when they occur....How do we become self-reliant? We become self-reliant through obtaining sufficient knowledge, education, and literacy; by managing money and resources wisely, being spiritually strong, preparing for emergencies and eventualities, and by having physical health and social and emotional well-being.” (“The Welfare Responsibilities of the Relief Society President,” Basic Principles of Welfare and Self-Reliance [2009], 4-5). Self Reliance in 2010! Here I come! Without cable! Anyhow, onto THE LIST:

Figure out which library I am supposed to go to now since the closest library is in a different county. Check out books and movies for me and Isaac. Order camera cord from ebay Bring bags of donated clothes to Goodwill Finish putting away all Christmas decorations Make car appointment. Figure out how to pay for new tires/brakes. Organize downstairs coat closet. Tidy/organize garage.

Clean/vacuum car. <--- okay, so I still need to vacuum. I totally drove by the carwash and then decided it was just too bitterly cold. Maybe tomorrow...

Call student loan people. <--- not open on the weekend. Duh. Will call Monday

Get hair dye and go back to brunette. Once again, the highlights are going by the wayside in the name of cutting expenses.

Figure out how to clean the inside of the oven. <--- well I found out that I don't have a self cleaning button or anything. I guess I will have to buy some oven cleaner. Don't see this happenning before next weekend.

Go swimming at the Y with Isaac. <-- this got put on the back burner for today with all of the cat drama. Will try to go sometime this week. Maybe Tuesday.

Plan menu for the next few weeks.

Finish up Season 2 of Big Bang Theory and return. <--- finished this up. Will return next time I see my friend who loaned it to me.

Write out goals for the new year. <--- began this

Overall, it was a pretty productive week, although I didn't get to everything on my list. And there's still tomorrow for menu planning and goal writing.

What's new in your world?

Seriously....

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me

Why my house is such a mess.

He asked if I'd been 'computering',

And I had to answer 'yes.'

He told me to get off my fanny,

And tidy up the house.

And so I started cleaning up...

The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside..

That really did the trick.....

I was just admiring my good work.

I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops - I found

A real absorbing site

That I got SO way into it - I was into it all night.

Nothing's changed except my mouse.

It's very, very shiny.

I guess my house will stay a mess.......While I sit here on my hiney.

~Author unknown

Why do I even bother?

Well I decided Isaac and I would check out our new ward (church congregation) today. It was a disaster from start to finish. And finish was only about 2/3 of the way through sacrament meeting when I hauled him out of the chapel by his upper arm, drug him out to the front lawn, where I completely lost my patience and screamed at him and shook him and threw him in the car. Fabulous first impression. The intolerably obnoxious preschooler who spent literally the whole entire sacrament meeting going "I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant to go hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome. I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurch" and the insanely violent mother.

To A Child Love is Spelled TIME

I found this book amongst my mom's stuff. I don't know where it came from. But I picked it up. It's a collection of quotes and short stories about what yoru children really need from you. Some of it hit really close to home. I realized that during the week I leave for work before Isaac wakes up. I come home at 4:30, by 7:30 I put Isaac in bed and 8:00 is light's out. That does not give us very much time together and I certainly crowd out that precious time too often with unimportant things. I need to do better. Here were some my favorite quotes from the book:

"Our greatest danger in life is permit urgent things to crowd out the important" - Charles E Hummel

"Things that matter the most must never be at the mercy of things that matter the least" -- Goethe

"You will never find the time to spend with your children. You have to make time and plan for it. There is no other possible way. Time is the raw material of your relationship with your child and must be guarded at all costs. It's true what they say: a bucket with a hole in it gets just as empty as a bucket that is deliberately kicked over. Life will shout a thousand demands to take you away from time spent with your child. If you permit the urgent to rule, you will use time you can never recover or catch with your hand. What happens in the changing life of a child will never be repeated. All the gold in the world cannot buy back either the delights of the day or the big pleasures that happen without announcement or plan. You simply have to be there" - p. 22

"Enjoy your children, delight in them, and they will take pleasure in you. You'll never find a hand that feels so good as your child's. Nothing in this creation compares to cuddling and snuggling with your little one. Have you searched the fathoms of the mystery in your child's eyes? Have you listened to your child's prayers and cried out to God for such a simple faith? Do you delight in holding your precious one in the night, even till morning's light? If you miss the joy of being a parent, your child will miss the fulness of your love."

Bad mommy! Bad mommy!

Well that is what I get for blogging about the wonderfulness of preschoolers. I should have touched wood. Background: My parents are out of town for several days. I am off of school for several days. Isaac and I had a fun day together. We really, really did. But... To put it bluntly, it takes it tolls on you being the only person capable of fulfilling Isaac's many, many, many needs. And in a few short weeks this will be everyday forever life once we move out. And that really freaks me out to the point that I am getting started getting panicky and welling up with tears whenever I really start to think about how broke and alone and isolated I will be with no one who is over the age of four to converse with on a regular basis. I know motherhood is noble and all that but sometimes it just feels so thankless. "Thanks mom, for cleaning up that pee puddle in front of the toilet for 30th time today." "Thanks mom, for making me ten different things for dinner, although I refused all of them. Thanks for trying to make sure I eat something remotely nutritious today." "Thanks mom, for picking up the 800 pieces of train track up for the 40th time today while I was busy turning over a potted plant in the dining room." Isn't that an awful way to feel? It just makes me feel guilty that I can deal with other people's difficult children all day long at work, but more than 36 hours of being all alone with my own child leaves me ready to tear out my hair. I really don't know how stay at home mom's do it. My hat seriously, seriously goes off to you. Here's another deep dark confession (while I am airing out dirty laundry): although it was horrendously difficult and guilt inducing to leave Isaac at a daycare center at ten weeks old, a tiny part of me was excited, because it made me feel like I could be a real person to leave the house and go to work again after living in my pajamas for 2 plus months.... I know, I'm going straight to hell. And I know, most people think my child will be psychologically damaged as a result of going to daycare at such a young age (not that it was in any way optional at that point in my life). I think I must be missing the Mormon gene that helps you view the drudgery and isolation of motherhood as something to be cherished and put on a pedestal. If this was my life day after day, after day, I would honestly be clinically depressed. I'm only speakly for myself. I don't think other women should feel the same as me; I'm not on some anti-stay at home mom soapbox. I am just being honest about my own situation. I guess that is the sanity saving thing about single parenthood going hand in hand with the need to work like crazy to pay for everything that two people need. Although juggling single parenthood with a (highly stressful and time consuming) job is a precarious balancing act that one can never come close to mastering, at least it creates an opportunity for adult interaction and the chance to get out of the house for a bit. That is why it rubs me the wrong way to sit in Relief Society (Mormon women's organization) and hear someone say that they are "basically a single mom" while their husband is studying hard for dental school finals/working long hours at a well paying job/away frequently on business trips. No. You are NOT basically a single mom. Because sooner or later you have someone by your side again who is just as invested as you are in raising your little one. Who is sitting beside you in bed. Who is (most likely) working to put food on your table and paying your bills. Who probably talks and converses with you a couple of times a day. Who might occasionally watch your children while you do something fun. (EDITED TO ADD - exceptions would be wives of men in the military. I do not object to someone refering to herself that way while her husband is deployed) I guess that is the hardest thing about motherhood for me-- it's so isolating. Although I have an amazing family who have given me immeasurable support in raising Isaac, I just feel so alone. It's very hard to relate to the girls my age with kids who are happily married. It's hard to relate to my single friends who have tons of money and are able to live a life that involves spontanaeity. Sometimes I really just feel like I am all alone on my own little island with no one out there who understands me or is like me. Well, I am not entirely sure who reads this blog anyways. If anyone does and you made it through this monster of a post, I am sure I have both horrified and offended you. But I don't apoligize. It is my blog after all. And I am sure I will feel better tomorrow when Grandma returns. =)