gross

I was at the dermatologist yesterday getting some stitches removed (they are still removing random troublesome moles, making me into a human pin cushion). She wanted to do another all over body check, so I showed her this annoying rash I have had for a week or so on my shoulder. I can be really allergic to things and just assumed it was allergy related. Turned out, it's shingles, that weird disease relating to chicken pox that mostly senior citizens get. Ugh.... Gross...

so...

Not so secret confession: I'm really tired of being alone.

I really want to find someone that I can date seriously.

It's hard to even admit it, because I really love my life and overall, I'm quite happy. I don't want to dismiss all of the great things that are in my life, because I am so focused on the one thing I don't have. I'm not depressed. I'm not desperate. But I'm lonely.

Old college boyfriend (WJM) and I occasionally frequently probably way more often than is healthy, find ourselves commiserating on a Saturday night over the bleak reality of the dating scene in your 30s. Anyways, he has suggested over and over that I need to have a hobby that is not related to work to meet more people organically (as opposed to something totally contrived, like an online dating site). WJM has tons of hobbies and is involved in so many different things. I know in his eyes I am a super boring homebody with nothing exciting in my life at all, which isn't a totally fair assessment. However, I've considered his advice a bit. I think I do have hobbies but the problem is they are all solitary ones, or girly ones. I like crafting, cardmaking and sewing.

I do social things: I like to go out dancing (with my married girlfriends to dance clubs in the Gayborhood... hmmm..), I'm in a book club (with coworkers), I spend a lot of time with friends (who are literally all married and engaged except for 2... seriously... I have *2* single girlfriends). I have friends in the city I see once or twice a month and local friends that I see frequently too, but I don't really have many opportunities to meet people beyond my existing circle of friends. I'm not the kind of person that can just approach a stranger in public. And don't suggest church activities. There is no one to meet at church. No exaggeration. For over a year I was in charge of the activities for local single people. There were only 3 guys that came regularly: one was 9 years younger than me and the other two had intellectual disabilities. The LDS social scene for a woman over 25 in the western Philadelphia suburbs is a barren wasteland.

Plus, when you are a mom, you're kids become your hobby. I love soccer, swim lessons, and spending time in the park, but those activities are hardly ideal for mixing and mingling with single men. And I don't even want to come off like I am complaining about that. For a mom, I think I get a considerable amount of "me time", especially compared to married moms with multiple kids. Isaac spends at least every other weekend with his dad. My mom comes in frequently to spend time with Isaac. If there is something I am desperate to do, I can usually arrange for a sitter without too much trouble. I make it to my book club most months, I can usually stop into after work happy hours/get togethers at least for a little to socialize with coworkers, I'm doing grad classes. Although Isaac isn't crazy about the kid's room at the gym, I can more often than not I can persuade him to go so I can squeeze in Zumba or a quick workout.

I am not going to pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not going to join some motorcycle club or something just to try to meet people. I don't know. I guess the bottom line is, I am willing to push out of my comfort zone and try new things, but I don't think that should have to reinvent myself to find someone that I have things in common with. Is that asking too much? The past few guys I have gone on dates with have all concluded that I'm a great girl who deserves someone nice.... so where is he?! I'm not getting any younger

Anyways, I'm not trying to whine or complain. I'm not desperate, but I don't know what else to do. Anyone with serious suggestions, I am open to them.

when upon life's billows you are tempest tossed...

WARNING: Rant blog ahead, heavy with LDS terminology. (This could be the one that gets me axed from the VFRS blogroll.) My non-LDS friends will probably want to just move along to the next entry in your reader...

Look, I know I've been railing on about this forever. Especially if we are facebook friends I'm sure it must feel like I'm beating a dead horse by typing blog entry 2119807282 of why I dislike my ward.

But....

Too bad.

I've got more to say.

I've found myself in the position lately of dreading the third hour of church. I've always loved RS, had callings in RS and in general felt uplifted and inspired after discussions there. But lately, I've been feeling a little excluded by the lesson topics and discussion. Like, it's been so bad I am considering volunteering for a stint in nursery. I am not exaggerating, last week we heard about the sacred covenant of marriage , the lesson before that (that I have attended, I've been on vacation) was about getting along better with your spouse. I know that the lessons are more or less prescribed to us in the manual and that they are important and inspired yadda yadda but MAN am I tired of the marriage and family theme. Can't we throw in a service lesson once in a while? Missionary work? Something? Anyways just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, enter today's lesson: chastity.

For obvious reasons, not my most favorite discussion topic. I considered leaving right after the opening hymn.

I probably should have.

But I decided to stay.

It started off on an interesting path, actually. The teacher was saying how we as a church needed to look at the way we taught this concept to our youth, because they are being told their whole lives that sex is bad and dirty and not to be talked about and then when they get married and all of sudden it's a-ok and I guess people are developing complexes when they try to be intimate with their spouse. The psychology major in me found this intriguing but we didn't discuss this for too long.

Then we moved onto the meat and potatoes of the lesson: Adam and Eve (Replenish the earth!!!!!), homosexuality (We sure love those gays, bless their hearts, but what they do is gross!!!), some quotes from the Strength of Youth pamphlet (Passionate kissing = bad!!!!! Getting naked with someone = worse!!!!!) and then we began to discuss the seriousness of breaking the law of chastity. That's when the discussion started to cross the line from uncomfortable and awkward into hurtful, inaccurate and just wrong. I'm not going to recap every unkind thing that was said, but my feelings were intensely hurt by judgmental comments that were made.

After having my moral worthiness be compared to someone who has committed murder, I had enough. I stood up, swung my church bag over my shoulder, turned to the girl next to me and said something to the effect of "Can you let me out? I've had about as much as I can take of this lesson" and I stormed out of the room.

Fortunately, a few people had the good sense to recognize how abrasive some of the commentary must have been to me and chased after me. I ended up in the parking lot having a really good discussion and cry with one of the sisters I actually feel like I can relate to. During our talk a member of the RS presidency came and apologized for what was said and actually encouraged me not to come back because the commentary had gotten even worse.

So, not my best day at church. Want to know the best part of all of this? Guess who is substitute teaching Relief Society in two weeks? Yours truly. Should be nice and awkward.

Anyways, believe it or not, I'm pretty much over the comments that were made. I had a good cry this afternoon and made an appointment with my Bishop to let him know how I feel about everything but I'm not going to dwell on it any longer. I wish people in my ward would be more open-minded and a little kinder, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it. What other people think of me is none of my business.

But what really leaves a bad taste in my mouth is that we can't be real in church. Why do we have to sit there and perpetuate this impossible standard that like 90% of people sitting in that room are struggling to meet? Why can't we just be truthful? Your average RS congregation isn't filled with people with perfect lives and perfect hair and perfect marriages with perfect children. Your congregation is filled with women in unhappy marriages, people with wayward children, or women who grew up in abusive homes, people who had unexpected crisis pregnancies and people who weren't virgins on their wedding days. Why can't we just cut all the crap and have honest discussions about how these are things people legitimately struggle with every single day? Maybe, we could even come up with ways to support each other instead of putting blinders on and just insisting that everyone besides you is leading happy little LDS lives. I can't be the only one feels terrible that they don't measure up.

I don't know. Thoughts?

livid

So, you may or may not have noticed that every single image from this blog (except the cookie one) is gone. I got an invite to Google+ and decided to check it out. I was very freaked out to see when I logged in that the site had automatically created an album with over 400 images from my blog and set the setting to be shared with whoever from the web feels like looking at them. . Many of them were irrelevant to a social networking site and I was a little freaked out that the site had (I assumed) imported them without my permission. I deleted the album with no hint from the site at all that Google+ and Picasa/blogger manage the same photos. The images were not imported but are the ACTUAL FILES. Now every image from the past three years of this blog is gone. Needless to say, I'm pretty unhappy. What a terrible design oversight.

I'm out of control...

Ugh. Isaac's dad and I have been fighting the last few days and it has really been bringing me down. Last night we had a big explosion and I am still reeling from it.

The conversation started off okay but unravelled quickly. Within 15 minutes I was straight up screaming at him at the top of my lungs. He pushes my buttons in a way that literally no one else does. I am not a confrontational person at all. I would normally bend over backward to avoid conflict or discord. But any percieved criticism from him puts me on the defense and even though he has never raised his voice to me, or even used rough language, it seems that is is only a matter of time until I have totally lost all composure with him and am screaming like a lunatic and totally out of control.

The fight was a continuation of a fight that started the day before and really is a continuation of the same old fight it feels like we have been having forever. Yesterday morning I suggested that since we obviously both feel strongly about certain things and clearly we do not communicate well with each other and we both feel the other doesn't understand our own point of view, perhaps we should see some kind of counselor that could help us work through some of the big sticking points. Of course, he refused, saying he doesn't need any help and if I would just accept the things he wants completely there wouldn't be a problem. Cause clearly THAT's worked well for the past seven years. The things we are arguing over are things that can't easily be changed or compromised on, things that are extremely important to each of us. We both have dug in our heels and feel that the other won't see things from our point of view. I feel that I am willing to compromise on certain issues, but he is not willing to compromise at all.

The one issue I have proposed a compromise on is the same old arguement over Isaac's last name. We both would like Isaac to have our last name. Currently, Isaac only has one last name, which is mine. I am willing to hyphenate so he has both of our last names. He wishes for Stephenson to be Isaac's middle name and won't hear of anything different or consider any compromise. I keep trying to explain to him that the same reasons he feels strongly about Isaac having his last name are the same reasons that I feel strongly about him keeping mine. And also, really, it's already been done and he can't make me change it. But he just keeps repeating it over and over like it's a new idea that we have never talked about before "Isaac will have my last name and Stephenson will be his middle name". Not "what if" or "how about" or "it would mean a lot to me if" just "you will do this" which of course makes me say "To hell with you, I'll do whatever I want." He can't understand why I feel just as strongly as he does that he keeps my last name as well. His attitude was just the last straw and I totally lost it and started shouting and ranting like a crazy woman. Living in a townhouse, I am sure my neighbor's heard everything. He icily said that he thought we should end the conversation now while he could still be the bigger person, before he stooped to my level. Which, I mean, is true. I would never tolerate him treating me the way I end up treating him. I concluded the conversation by screaming and hurling the phone across the room.

I am so ashamed and disappointed with myself. After we fight, I think back to the conversations and so much of what I have said was so combative and unnecessary, just me lashing out in an effort to hurt him before he hurts me. These arguments bring out the very worst side of me. I am always berating him for being over the top passive aggressive (which he is). But in a way, how can I even blame him for not want to bring issues to the table, because it is very rare that I can discuss anything in a rational way. I think I need to go to a counselor. Even if M refuses to come with me to have a neutral party be a mediator, at least maybe a counselor could give me some tips on how to handle these conversations when they do arise and give me some strategies to use or something. The level of anger that I am unloading during these arguements is scary and intense. Clearly I need a healthier way to release the emotions that are bottled up inside me.

So that's that. Ick.

just keeping it real

I'm in a funk.

I miss Isaac.

I know he is having fun. I know he is safe and having the time of his life. I know I should be enjoying the time to myself that I always seem to covet.

But tonight.. I just miss him.

I also miss the rest of my family. I generally talk to my mom on the phone at least once a day. I talk to my dad at least once a week. I talk to or see my brother's frequently. I just feel lonely. Yesterday was the culmination of loneliness. Although it wasn't a major holiday, I don't generally spend holidays completely alone.

I stayed late at work tonight (till about six thirty), since I hadn't made any plans and didn't really have anything to come home to. Which sucks and just set the tone for a night of wallowing in ridiculous self pity.

I'm just overwhelmed by stuff. Which makes me feel sort of paralyzed. So instead of trying to deal with things I just bury my head passively in the sand and do nothing and my life implodes around me.

Okay, that's a bit dramatic.

But it's true more or less.

And I don't give into the temptation very often but today I got stuck listening to those old voices and just thinking catastrophically. (I have no friends, I'm unattractive, I will be alone forever).

It really hit me that I am almost 30. Which is just such a significant milestone-type birthday. I don't know. I just thought I would have more stuff figured out by now. Since I'm about to be a real full-blown adult. I just thought I would be more together.

Anyways, all of those thoughts resulted in me going on an emotion fuelled eating binge.

Which left me feeling even more disgusted with myself.

Which makes me feel even more unlovable and lonely.

And it spirals on.

In general I'm good at staying positive and being content. But tonight is not one of those nights...

couldn't have said it better myself

RANT

This is the perfect illustration of why me and Isaac's dad cannot communicate.

Last night Isaac's dad texted me (at 12:30 at NIGHT mind you) that he was going to come over for Easter. I told him okay but that I wouldn't hold my breath he would actually show up. He got all huffy like "I hate when you say that." Today I text him to find out if he is still planning on coming. He responds, yes he will be there at 4. I let him know that won't work, that my mom is serving dinner at 4 (an hour away). I let him know we will be home at 7 and he responds "Okay."

.............................................

What would your interpretation of that conversation mean?

Cause I interpreted it to mean "Okay, I will come at 7." And I rushed us out of my parents house to get us home in time, and spent the whole car ride trying to brainstorm things Isaac and his dad could do, (amidst protests from Isaac that "my dad and I don't really play together. I just play by myself at his house."). It's always rather awkward when he comes over unless we are going to a soccer game or something. He generally just sits there flipping through his phone while I try to force them to engage in activities together.

We arrive home at 10 of 7.

7:10 I start to get annoyed but give him the benefit of the doubt because it is raining cats and dogs.

7:20 I call. Sends me to voicemail. I text him "Are you almost here?". He responds "No, it's too late." At this point I am LIVID and I just start calling him repeatedly. I HATE when someone won't pick up the phone but then texts you back. MAN UP. Answer the phone.

Finally he answers and says he never said he was coming. We rehash the whole thing and I am loathe to admit that he is technically right. He will come now if I want but it will be pushing nine when he gets here and what will be the point of that? The conversation ended with him claiming he is coming tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath and I told him this which he doesn't understand. (Hello, in the past month ALONE you are 0/2 on showing up for anything besides your regular visitation!!!)... When he is little he didn't understand but Isaac is to the age where he realizes "Hey, Daddy said he was coming and then he didn't show up." And I go into insane momma bear mode because I want to shield Isaac from any hurt but the worst part is Isaac doesn't even feel hurt. Confused maybe, but mostly indifferent. Which is almost worse. I feel like this is the kind of stuff is going to relating to a shrink when he is 20. His dad wants to have talks about the distance he feels culturally from Isaac because Isaac has my last name (which, according to him, is akin to blasphemy in his culture). HOW ABOUT THE DISTANCE YOU CREATE BY PUTTING YOUR KID LAST ALL THE TIME??? Behind the third cousins who all of a sudden needs him? Behind the high price of gas? Behind the last minute trips to NYC? And why can hebe so attentive and caring with horrible, violent kids at his work and so withdrawn from his own child?

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

motherhood rants

Okay, hopefully this blog doesn't offend anyone.

It probably will.

I know I'm leaving myself open to be flamed.

Here goes: So a long time ago (like, over the summer) within the short span of a few weeks, almost all of my good friends who happened to be married (and not LDS) made statements to me about how they simply do not want children. They are all in stable marriages, fairly financially secure, etc. They are just happy being couples I guess and don't want to disrupt their lives. This was around the time when WJM/longtime college boyfriend got back in touch with me and made a similar pronouncement. He declared himself to be "too selfish" ever to have kids and expressed that he had a dog, and that was close enough to a kid (future rant blog on people who compare having pets to having kids is still to come-- that is one of my biggest pet peeves EVER. I hate when people compare the fulfillment of the relationship of a pet, to what they expect the fulfillment and/or responsibility level of having a child will be.)

I try not to judge my friends who don't want children, because I hate when people judge me for getting pregnant, but, well, I think it's a really narcissistic attitude. I don't understand why you would want to sell yourself short of the joy of having kids if you were able to. I really can't wrap my head around their choice to be willfully childless.

Although I have always knew I wanted to be a mother, and although my pregnancy was unexpected, having Isaac is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I recognize that even though I have always have a deep drive and longing to be a mother, that not everyone experiences that same feeling. I think that's fair. But I don't know, (here I go judging again) but it just seems like so many of my friends are choosing not to simply because it would require them to adopt a less self-centered lifestyle and to me that is just tragic. It's an amazing thing to have a child and realize that there is someone in the world now that you love more than you love yourself. I just feel like if you intentionally choose to not experience that on some level, then you are willingly stunting your growth of your character as a human being. There, I said it.

It feels weird to even write this, because I am so not the typical mormon girl whose life ambition is getting married at 19 and cranking out a minivan full of kids before you can even afford to move out of your parent's basement. I think women should have careers. I don't think daycare is evil. And, believe me, I am not trying to glamorize it. I vividly rememver the total shock of coming home from the hospital with the baby in the carseat red faced and screaming and realizing that nothing about my life will ever be the way it was before. You lose your ability to sleep, your privacy, to eat when you want, to live life on your own terms. Pregnancy itself is the ultimate example-- you are not even able to be the only one living in your body, which I guess is a scary thing to some. (Remember the controversial statement Jillian Michaels gave in her Women's Health interview where she said she was planning to adopt so she wouldn't "ruin" her body with pregnancy?) Children involve a lot of time, emotional giving and patience. It's hard work to be a parent and raise kids. And Isaac, is only six, I know I haven't even really gotten to the hard part yet. I get that can be overwhelming at times (believe me!!!) but gosh, in parenthood the good outweighs the bad a million times over. It's such a beautiful thing.

It just makes me a little sad that so many of my friends (for whatever reason) aren't choosing to embark on that adventure.

That's all.

don't wanna go to sleep

First of all, I keep seeing "joy school" mentioned on LDS mom-type blogs. I think I must really be turning into a cynical wench in my old age, because I can't think of anything less joy inducing than having a bunch of three year olds over to my house and playing pre-K teacher. It actually kind of makes me want to gag. And why can't it just be called playgroup? Is that not "joyous" enough? Although, looking back on it, I'm pretty sure my mom did a short joy-school type of playgroup with me when I was a young child living in Utah and I guess I turned out all right. (Yes, little known fact, I'm actually from Utah originally). Whew, now that that's off my chest...

Today I took a personal day to be the mystery reader at Isaac's school. It was so fun to surprise him and help out a little in his class. Apparently no other parents have been mystery readers, so that was fun to actually put a check in the "things mom can still do even though I work full time" column, since the "things I have to say no to cause I work full time column" is filled with entries.

I also wanted to take some time for spring cleaning today. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I:

• Did six loads of laundry including both of our sheets, comforters, duvet covers, dust ruffles, etc. etc. AND they are folded and put away.
• I vacuumed and flipped our mattresses.
• I moved my bed and night stands and vacuumed the carpet and dusted the baseboards. I haven't done that since I moved in and it was absolutely disgusting how much dust, etc. was back there. Also cleaned all the junk out from underneath my bed and found approximately 87 pens.
• Organized my jewelry, shoes and closet in general.
• Cleaned out my purse. I'm no longer hauling around 5 pounds worth of old receipts.
• Updated Google calendar with all of my events for the coming months.
• Found a whole bunch of cool online resources to use in my classroom.
• Went to the gym and ran two miles.
• Got some great books for my classroom at the used book store for supercheap.
• Cleaned out both cat boxes.
• Made cream cheese cookies.
• Called my sister (and nearly gagged the whole time. She and I have very opposite views on things like breastfeeding, vaginal deliveries and whether or not placentas are interesting organs [she is a labor and delivery nurse]).
• Finally called the builder about my leaky roof (Hello! My house is barely two years old! Why is the roof leaking?!) and completed some paperwork for the HOA to officially report my neighbors for letting their dog crap all over the place. They should be getting a fine in the mail shortly. Yeah, I'm that neighbor. And I don't like your freakin' dog.

I didn't get to most of what's on my list but I feel like spring cleaning is in full swing. Isaac's room is next. I will carry on Saturday hopefully after our first soccer game. Not sure what's going on for the weekend yet. I'm up for something low-key which conference weekend usually is. Have a fab Friday!

The Blueberry Story

I've been asked recently, if I am in a teacher's union. I didn't realize that in other parts of the country there are teachers who teach in public schools who choose to not join one. The answer is yes, I am. I don't know personally know any teachers that teach in PA who are not in one. It's a crazy world out there and if some parent decides they are going to sue their teacher because they don't like the grade their kid got, it's nice to have some protection. At any rate, the president of our teacher's union passed this along, and I thought it was great. It's a perfect illustration of why the education world does not equal the business world and why, imo, people like Bill Gates have absolutely no place in it. The Blueberry Story A business leader learns his lesson. by Jamie Robert Vollmer 'If I ran my business the way you people operate your schools, I wouldn't be in business very long!" I stood before an auditorium filled with outraged teachers who were becoming angrier by the minute. My speech had entirely consumed their precious 90 minutes of in- service training. Their initial icy glares had turned to restless agitation. You could cut the hostility with a knife. I represented a group of business people dedicated to improving public schools. I was an executive at an ice cream company that became famous in the middle-1980s when People Magazine chose its blueberry flavor as the "Best Ice Cream in America." I was convinced of two things. First, public schools needed to change; they were archaic selecting and sorting mechanisms designed for the Industrial Age and out of step with the needs of our emerging "knowledge society." Second, educators were a major part of the problem: They resisted change, hunkered down in their feathered nests, protected by tenure and shielded by a bureaucratic monopoly. They needed to look to business. We knew how to produce quality. Zero defects! Total Quality Management! Continuous improvement! A school is not an ice cream company: It can't send back its inferior blueberries. In retrospect, the speech was perfectly balanced—equal parts ignorance and arrogance. As soon as I finished, a woman's hand shot up. She appeared polite, pleasant. She was, in fact, a razor-edged, veteran high school English teacher who had been waiting to unload. She began quietly, "We are told, sir, that you manage a company that makes good ice cream." I smugly replied, "Best ice cream in America, ma'am." "How nice," she said. "Is it rich and smooth?" "Sixteen percent butterfat," I crowed. "Premium ingredients?" she inquired. "Super-premium! Nothing but triple-A." I was on a roll. I never saw the next line coming. "Mr. Vollmer," she said, leaning forward with a wicked eyebrow raised to the sky, "when you are standing on your receiving dock and you see an inferior shipment of blueberries arrive, what do you do?" In the silence of that room, I could hear the trap snap. I was dead meat, but I wasn't going to lie. "I send them back." "That's right!" she barked, "and we can never send back our blueberries. We take them big, small, rich, poor, gifted, exceptional, abused, frightened, confident, homeless, rude, and brilliant. We take them with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, junior rheumatoid arthritis, and English as their second language. We take them all. Every one. And that, Mr. Vollmer, is why it's not a business. It's school." In an explosion, all 290 teachers, principals, bus drivers, aides, custodians, and secretaries jumped to their feet and yelled, "Yeah! Blueberries! Blueberries!" Schools reflect the attitudes, beliefs, and health of the communities they serve, and therefore, to improve public education means more than changing our schools, it means changing America. And so began my long transformation. Since then, I have visited hundreds of schools. I have learned that a school is not a business. Schools are unable to control the quality of their raw material, they are dependent upon the vagaries of politics for a reliable revenue stream, and they are constantly mauled by a howling horde of disparate, competing customer groups that would send the best CEO screaming into the night. None of this negates the need for change. We must change what, when, and how we teach to give all children maximum opportunity to thrive in a postindustrial society. But educators cannot do this alone; these changes can occur only with the understanding, trust, permission, and active support of the surrounding community. For the most important thing I have learned is that schools reflect the attitudes, beliefs, and health of the communities they serve, and therefore, to improve public education means more than changing our schools, it means changing America. Jamie Robert Vollmer, a former business executive and attorney, is now a keynote presenter and consultant who works to increase community support for public schools. He lives in Fairfield, Iowa, and can be reached by e-mail at jamie@jamievollmer.com.

it's my blog and I can rant if I want to

(Warning: church rant ahead, heavy with LDS terminology. Those of you of non-LDS background probably will wanna skip this one): I've been feeling very grumpy about church stuff lately. I'm getting tired of being the YSA rep mostly because accepting that calling obligates me to attend all of the YSA stuff, which is sort of a lot. Plus, I'm supposed to invite others and really encourage them to go and it's like, could I be any more of a hypocrite? It is pretty off-putting to be nearly 30 and still be obligated to go to chaperoned "activities" like I did when I was 13. Not to mention, the only other person who regularly comes to any of the activities is a guy is on the autism spectrum and is moderately impaired. I'm just going to come out and say it: I don't want to give up a Monday night to go play boardgames with someone who is, essentially, very annoying. I know this is cold and I'm probably going straight to hell, but.... sometimes I have it in me to be patient and inclusive and advocating for acceptance of people with differing abilities, and sometimes, I just don't. On the other hand, the YSA thing is about the only niche I have in my current ward. At least the people assigned to oversee the program and teach the YSA SS class actually know who I am and have taken a marginal interest in me and provide some kind of connection on sundays. Relief Society is a sea of power wheelchairs and walkers and the activities are all luncheons that are held on a weekday afternoons. With no nursery of course. And I know what you all are thinking! On the one hand I'm complaining that the ward doesn't acknowledge any other types of women beyond "ladies who lunch", but on the other hand, I'm asked to help build up a program for people who don't fit into a mold of a "typical LDS twenty-somthings" and I'm complaining about that too. I told you, I'm grumpy about church lately. Plus, I don't want to turn into someone who is a total flake about callings. And I was a total flake about the last one I had: Relief Society chorister which was a total nightmare. What I know about leading music can be written on the head of a pin. I gave it a few attempts but I would break out in a cold sweat when I had to stand up there in front of them. I just felt so clumsy and stupid. So I just started not coming to RS until after the opening hymn was done. After about a month of that I just finally told them it wasn't working out and I was happy to keep selecting the hymns, but I didn't want to conduct them. Since conducting hymns is pretty much the main part of being the chorister, they agreed to release me. I was also asked to speak in sacrament meeting after nearly two years of flying unnoticed under the radar. I was also feeling fairly grumpy about that, but the talk I am assigned to speak on is actually pretty decent, so I am warming up to the idea more. Anyways, church rant over.

My favorite Christmas song. Enjoy! I'm blogging, because I'm procrastinating doing other boring things that need done. Like vacuuming. And cat boxes. And mopping. I went to the gym today though, and sometimes when I work out in the morning, I feel like that gives me a free pass to be a lazy ass the rest of the day. I was not feeling the workout, but I made myself go over, because, I mean, it's a wide open Saturday and Isaac is at his dad's. How I can I possibly NOT go? As always, convincing myself to go is pretty much the whole battle because once I get there I feel great and when I leave I wonder why I don't make myself go more often. So anyways, I'm on the treadmill and I'm running and in the zone with Pitbull blasting through my ipod and I was actually covering a decent amount of ground considering I haven't been working out regularly since August when this guy from the gym approaches me. I pop out one of my earbuds, thinking that maybe the treadmill is making, like a horrible noise that I am unaware and he is coming over to tell me. But noooooo, he's coming over to try to pitch his personal training session to me. That is one thing I hate about this gym. They are so aggressive in pushing their training packages on you. But I've never been approached mid-run with headphones in and I was livid and lit into the guy about how I come to work out in peace and not be harassed. It was ridiculous. I get mildly annoyed when they approach me on the way in or out of class, but it is to be expected. But don't come over to me and interrupt my workout. Too much. Anyways... Last night was payday Friday and i did a little shopping and then PDH came over and we watched a movie (I know, I know, I know). It was a mediocre time at best. I keep forgetting that we had very little in common when we were dating, and now we have even less in common. We really don't have very much to say to each other beyond idle chit chat which is just dumb and pointless. We wanted to go to the movies, but nothing playing looked interesting. So then we decided to rent a video. We rented Date Night (which was cute!). He was texting back and forth with a girl "friend" the whole time which he wouldn't share any details about, but he did say it was someone he loaned all of his Big Bang Theory DVD's to, which is what he did when we first started dating. Not that I was jealous. Honestly. I don't want to get back with him. It just further emphasized what a stupid idea it is to keep hanging around with him and how we are both moved on and uninvested in each other and made me so annoyed with myself that I have this fear of being alone in my house all weekend to the point that I am sitting there next to someone who is texting someone else all night. It's ridiculous. My DVD player died part way through the movie (it's been on it's last legs for about a year now but it finally gave up the ghost), so we had to finish the movie on the computer balancing my laptop awkwardly between us. After the movie was over he ended up getting kind of sick and then the last straw was as he was leaving he purposely kicked my cat. I pretty much slammed the door behind him. I think I put too much pressure on myself to have big plans on the weekends Isaac is away, and as a result I end up in situations like that. I wish I could be more comfortable being alone. In about three months or so when I begin to think back fondly on our good times together, someone please redirect me to this blog post.

Speaking of old habits that die hard, Isaac's dad just texted me but I did NOT give him the satisfaction of engaging. We always have the same old fight over him taking Isaac back to Africa (where he is from). It's a moot point really because he has no money or actual plans to go back to Africa anytime soon but it is something we feel very strongly about. I resisted the urge to tell him the only time Isaac will be going to Africa before the age of fifteen will be if I am cold and dead in my grave and simply said "If you wish to discuss this please call me". He won't. He hates talking on the phone, especially when he knows I am mad. But come on, I refuse to have an argument serious conversation over text. Get real.

Let's see. What else? Oh, Monday I took a sick day and finally had good old tooth 31 extracted. The one that has been causing me so much pain since the summertime. I woke up, got Isaac off to school, sat down and ate breakfast and then put my bowl in the sink before I remembered: I wasn't supposed to eat or drink anything in preparation for the anesthesia. Which is just so classic me, isn't it? I freaked out, because I had taken the day off of work, and mom had driven in from the Lanc to be my driver, etc. We went over and they gave me the choice of doing it awake or coming back later in the day. I chose to come back later in the day. I was grateful I could still have the procedure done that day and with no troubles. They gave me a script for Vicodin but I didn't even have to take any OTC drugs. I was in no pain at all. I wish I hadn't put it off for so long. Anyways, I'm glad that's pretty much done. I hope it's okay to leave a big gaping hole there for a while, because I am pretty much tapped out in the "unexpected medical expense" column of my budget.

I was reading Cosmo in bed this morning and there was this whole article about how I am already more than halfway through my peak biological time for having babies. Cosmo, I hate you: I count on you for fluffy mindless drivel and now I can't stop thinking about how by the time I will probably have another kid my eggs will be all old and shriveled up and useless. Thanks a lot.

Christmas cards and gifts are starting to trickle in, which I love! I mailed a big pile of our cards and I will be addressing the rest before the weekend is out. My own shopping is pretty well underway, but I haven't done any wrapping yet.

Anyways, I guess I should log off and go do something. Enjoy your weekend!

Oh my goodness.... Even after all of these years... And even considering that we get along fine 95% of the time.... No one can push my buttons like Isaac's dad.... He really brings out the very worst side of me. When I interact with him I am at best a nag and at worst an overprotective, maniacal shrew. I know that I need to be in better control of my emotions, if nothing else than for Isaac's sake. But MAN does he make me want to kick him in the nuts. Grr...

"irregardless"

The behavior consultant I work with uses that word all the time and it makes my skin crawl. According to Wikipedia: Irregardless is an informal term commonly used in place of regardless or irrespective, which has caused controversy since it first appeared in the early twentieth century. Most dictionaries list it as "nonstandard" or "incorrect". The pre-fix "ir" is a negative like "irrational" or "irresponsible". Therefore "irregardless" would be a double negative and make no sense. GAH.

warning: If you see me IRL I may rip your head off

Ugh. PMS + lack of sleep + too much work + overwhelming mommy guilt has turned me into a rather miserable person the past few days. I'm fairly sure even my own parents are screening their calls from me at this point. I'm only one person who is just spread too thin. I fell asleep face down on the couch for 30 minutes today at around 7 o'clock. So much for Zumba. I just can't make it. Anyways, Isaac's dad just got screamed at for insinuating that I wasn't putting forth an effort to get Isaac into a fall soccer program (backstory, I totally dropped the ball on sign-ups for his normal league, and it is too late for him to play. I have been scouring the internet, making phone calls etc, but everything is full, is for toddlers or is waaaaaaaaaaay too expensive. Now his dad wants me to go over to the fields of his old league and just linger around asking people if he can play. I'm not going to do that. I feel HORRIBLE about missing sign ups but when it really comes down to it, he will play in the spring and if he misses one season of soccer is it really the end of the world? No, it is not.). Anyways, I ended up just straight up psychotically screamed at him about how come it's always up to me to figure this stuff out and he could just drive over here and linger around the soccer fields like a creeper if it's so freakin important to him and it's so easy for him to be critical when I am the one that does 98% of the parenting. He was being nagging and irritating, that was certainly not an appropriate response. He even said to me "If I was screaming at you the way you are talking to me how would you feel?" and I had to admit I would hang up on him.

My cavity is killing me. I MUST call and schedule my root canal I have been in denial about needing all summer now. It is to the point where the entire side of my head is radiating pain almost all of the time, which is certainly not helping my irritability. Tomorrow is back to school night (for me as a teacher, not me as a parent). 13 hours of work. Ugh, enough said.

I haven't seen my friends or done anything social in several weeks due to wedding mania. This weekend I will be out of town again for my old college roommate Nicole's wedding in New York. That puts me out of town something like 5 out of the last 6 weekends.

I'm out of cat food.

My sink is filled with dishes and I am always out of clean spoons.

I have nothing creative to pack for lunch.

And poor Isaac. What I really need to do is slow down and make time to give him my complete and undivided attention. To stop hurrying him along rushing him in and out of clothes and in and out of the car and shuffling him from babysitter to babysitter. It's too much.

Anyways, I will end the whine-fest now. I'm going to forget the pile of work I brought home with me and just go to bed early. Yes my life is an out of control carousel but everything is harder to deal with when you are exhausted and lonely.

I'm just going to say it.

NEWSFLASH

No one outside of Utah cares about pioneer day.

Seriously.

It's 100 degrees.

No one wants to dress up in pioneer clothes and square dance.

Go to the pool.

(that's all)

I'm the devil

Here's another lovely gem from today's paper. (There are generally 2-3 comments like this a day). "It's time for people to listen up. Why are the children having so many car accidents? Because the schools did away with driver's education. Why? Because of the budget. Why is the budget so high? Because of the teachers. It's a domino effect. The teachers hold the people and school children hostage. The budget goes up so they can get their way satisfied; they cut school programs and raise taxes." Evidently I'm responsible for teenagers crashing their cars. And no one told me that as I teacher I control the budget. Funny, I thought it was the elected school board officials that approved that.... I also heard teachers were responsible for the increased price of gasoline, global warming and the broken oil pipeline... *Eye roll* It's always fun to see who has more nasty messages, teachers or "illegal" immigrants...

Seriously???

On the radio this morning the DJ pronounced "epitome" as "epee-tome". What is the world coming to??

Not bitter (seriously!!)

Okay, how perfect is that picture? So, apparently some people (cough-cough-younger-brother-Joe-cough-cough) feel that I should feel upset that my sister is younger than me but is getting married first. I think he is hoping for something ridiculous that would parallel the story-line to Taming of the Shrew. I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but I don't feel bitter at all. First of all, she is not that much younger than me. There are about four years between us. Statistically speaking, it's inevitable. Jenny (oh, and she is only going by Jennifer these days, but I CAN NOT call her that) has always dated a lot. I never have. Jenny lives in a Mormon mecca of dating, courtship and marriage with plenty of opportunity to date. I live in a much cooler east coast town where local society doesn't put intense pressure on me to define myself worth by my marital status. (whoa, I did almost veer into bitter rant territory... focus...) So since she is more inclined to date and has a mind boggling amount of people available for dating, it doesn't surprise me that she is getting married first. If anything, a part of me feels relieved. Growing up I was always referred to as "the test child". This time, she can be the "Wedding Test Child". But more importantly, I adore her and I really like Drew and I am terrifically excited and happy for them and would never want to turn any part of her wedding into something that I could complain about. So there haters.