Trying to remember...

 

 

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down.

Without the rain, there would be no rainbow....

Gilbert K. Chesterton

so...

Not so secret confession: I'm really tired of being alone.

I really want to find someone that I can date seriously.

It's hard to even admit it, because I really love my life and overall, I'm quite happy. I don't want to dismiss all of the great things that are in my life, because I am so focused on the one thing I don't have. I'm not depressed. I'm not desperate. But I'm lonely.

Old college boyfriend (WJM) and I occasionally frequently probably way more often than is healthy, find ourselves commiserating on a Saturday night over the bleak reality of the dating scene in your 30s. Anyways, he has suggested over and over that I need to have a hobby that is not related to work to meet more people organically (as opposed to something totally contrived, like an online dating site). WJM has tons of hobbies and is involved in so many different things. I know in his eyes I am a super boring homebody with nothing exciting in my life at all, which isn't a totally fair assessment. However, I've considered his advice a bit. I think I do have hobbies but the problem is they are all solitary ones, or girly ones. I like crafting, cardmaking and sewing.

I do social things: I like to go out dancing (with my married girlfriends to dance clubs in the Gayborhood... hmmm..), I'm in a book club (with coworkers), I spend a lot of time with friends (who are literally all married and engaged except for 2... seriously... I have *2* single girlfriends). I have friends in the city I see once or twice a month and local friends that I see frequently too, but I don't really have many opportunities to meet people beyond my existing circle of friends. I'm not the kind of person that can just approach a stranger in public. And don't suggest church activities. There is no one to meet at church. No exaggeration. For over a year I was in charge of the activities for local single people. There were only 3 guys that came regularly: one was 9 years younger than me and the other two had intellectual disabilities. The LDS social scene for a woman over 25 in the western Philadelphia suburbs is a barren wasteland.

Plus, when you are a mom, you're kids become your hobby. I love soccer, swim lessons, and spending time in the park, but those activities are hardly ideal for mixing and mingling with single men. And I don't even want to come off like I am complaining about that. For a mom, I think I get a considerable amount of "me time", especially compared to married moms with multiple kids. Isaac spends at least every other weekend with his dad. My mom comes in frequently to spend time with Isaac. If there is something I am desperate to do, I can usually arrange for a sitter without too much trouble. I make it to my book club most months, I can usually stop into after work happy hours/get togethers at least for a little to socialize with coworkers, I'm doing grad classes. Although Isaac isn't crazy about the kid's room at the gym, I can more often than not I can persuade him to go so I can squeeze in Zumba or a quick workout.

I am not going to pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not going to join some motorcycle club or something just to try to meet people. I don't know. I guess the bottom line is, I am willing to push out of my comfort zone and try new things, but I don't think that should have to reinvent myself to find someone that I have things in common with. Is that asking too much? The past few guys I have gone on dates with have all concluded that I'm a great girl who deserves someone nice.... so where is he?! I'm not getting any younger

Anyways, I'm not trying to whine or complain. I'm not desperate, but I don't know what else to do. Anyone with serious suggestions, I am open to them.

tick, tick, tick

This morning I was at a Relief Society thing taking in a few classes in an effort to become more domestic. The cupcake decorating class was very unstructured, just people frosting cupcakes and chitchatting. Which of course, at church tends to make me feel like this:

source

But anyways, there is a new young pregnant girl who just moved into my ward. Her husband is here for (...wait for it...) dental school. Someone asked her if she has found a good Ob-Gyn yet and she mentioned that she is going to the practice where I went when I was pregnant with Isaac.

For some reason (I'm blaming PMS), just hearing her say that really hit a chord with me and I found myself welling up with tears. I think it was one part wistful nostaglia and one part brazen envy. I wonder if I will ever get a chance to excitedly tell someone that I am seeing Dr. Segal and my baby is due in a few weeks.

I turn 30 in a few weeks and it just feels like time is passing by at a breakneck speed. I'm worried that I will never have that opportunity, or if I do that my ovaries will be totally stalled out.

Blah..

when upon life's billows you are tempest tossed...

WARNING: Rant blog ahead, heavy with LDS terminology. (This could be the one that gets me axed from the VFRS blogroll.) My non-LDS friends will probably want to just move along to the next entry in your reader...

Look, I know I've been railing on about this forever. Especially if we are facebook friends I'm sure it must feel like I'm beating a dead horse by typing blog entry 2119807282 of why I dislike my ward.

But....

Too bad.

I've got more to say.

I've found myself in the position lately of dreading the third hour of church. I've always loved RS, had callings in RS and in general felt uplifted and inspired after discussions there. But lately, I've been feeling a little excluded by the lesson topics and discussion. Like, it's been so bad I am considering volunteering for a stint in nursery. I am not exaggerating, last week we heard about the sacred covenant of marriage , the lesson before that (that I have attended, I've been on vacation) was about getting along better with your spouse. I know that the lessons are more or less prescribed to us in the manual and that they are important and inspired yadda yadda but MAN am I tired of the marriage and family theme. Can't we throw in a service lesson once in a while? Missionary work? Something? Anyways just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, enter today's lesson: chastity.

For obvious reasons, not my most favorite discussion topic. I considered leaving right after the opening hymn.

I probably should have.

But I decided to stay.

It started off on an interesting path, actually. The teacher was saying how we as a church needed to look at the way we taught this concept to our youth, because they are being told their whole lives that sex is bad and dirty and not to be talked about and then when they get married and all of sudden it's a-ok and I guess people are developing complexes when they try to be intimate with their spouse. The psychology major in me found this intriguing but we didn't discuss this for too long.

Then we moved onto the meat and potatoes of the lesson: Adam and Eve (Replenish the earth!!!!!), homosexuality (We sure love those gays, bless their hearts, but what they do is gross!!!), some quotes from the Strength of Youth pamphlet (Passionate kissing = bad!!!!! Getting naked with someone = worse!!!!!) and then we began to discuss the seriousness of breaking the law of chastity. That's when the discussion started to cross the line from uncomfortable and awkward into hurtful, inaccurate and just wrong. I'm not going to recap every unkind thing that was said, but my feelings were intensely hurt by judgmental comments that were made.

After having my moral worthiness be compared to someone who has committed murder, I had enough. I stood up, swung my church bag over my shoulder, turned to the girl next to me and said something to the effect of "Can you let me out? I've had about as much as I can take of this lesson" and I stormed out of the room.

Fortunately, a few people had the good sense to recognize how abrasive some of the commentary must have been to me and chased after me. I ended up in the parking lot having a really good discussion and cry with one of the sisters I actually feel like I can relate to. During our talk a member of the RS presidency came and apologized for what was said and actually encouraged me not to come back because the commentary had gotten even worse.

So, not my best day at church. Want to know the best part of all of this? Guess who is substitute teaching Relief Society in two weeks? Yours truly. Should be nice and awkward.

Anyways, believe it or not, I'm pretty much over the comments that were made. I had a good cry this afternoon and made an appointment with my Bishop to let him know how I feel about everything but I'm not going to dwell on it any longer. I wish people in my ward would be more open-minded and a little kinder, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it. What other people think of me is none of my business.

But what really leaves a bad taste in my mouth is that we can't be real in church. Why do we have to sit there and perpetuate this impossible standard that like 90% of people sitting in that room are struggling to meet? Why can't we just be truthful? Your average RS congregation isn't filled with people with perfect lives and perfect hair and perfect marriages with perfect children. Your congregation is filled with women in unhappy marriages, people with wayward children, or women who grew up in abusive homes, people who had unexpected crisis pregnancies and people who weren't virgins on their wedding days. Why can't we just cut all the crap and have honest discussions about how these are things people legitimately struggle with every single day? Maybe, we could even come up with ways to support each other instead of putting blinders on and just insisting that everyone besides you is leading happy little LDS lives. I can't be the only one feels terrible that they don't measure up.

I don't know. Thoughts?

ready to pay the price

*Sigh*. So it looks like I am going back to grad school again.

Long story (somewhat) short, I graduated from good ole Widener with a Master's of Special Ed, highly qualified to elementary education. As I interviewed for jobs it became very clear that the fact that I didn't hold a certification in elementary education was a huge strike against me, which is kind of infuriating to discover you are barely qualified after you have paid thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars to get your degree.

I eventually did get hired in my current district. It has always been in the back of my mind to get to get back to work on my cert (see last year's goal list at the top of this page). This year when I watched some of my peers be laid off or cut to part time as our lovely Governor slashed funding to public education, it hit me that if I were to be laid off it would be impossible to go up against huge pools of applicants who were all more qualified than me. I would end up making hoagies at Wawa or ringing people up at Sears for the rest of my life. So this summer I got serious about getting back to grad school and just in the nick of time, as I found out that all of the certification requirements are changing very soon. I need to take 6 classes in the next year so get my stuff together before all the certification requirements change in the state of PA. Otherwise, I will have to take 11 classes under the new certification qualifications. Which was a little different than what I had pictured in my head (maybe taking one or two online courses and sitting for another PRAXIS exam).

I'm not going to lie, I had a pretty big breakdown about this. In order to qualify for financial aid loans I would need to take at least two classes in the spring semester, three in the summer and one next fall. If you were with me back in the Myspace blog days, you would remember that I am no stranger to working fulltime, doing grad school fulltime and juggling being a mom. It's not impossible. I have done it, but the tradeoff isI pretty much had no money, no life, no friends, my mother was Isaac's primary caretaker instead of me, and I was constantly under a high level of stress. The thought of going back to that lifestyle, without even the support of living with my parents was completely overwhelming. Not to mention the thought of taking out more loans to pay for it all had me panicked, as I already have an overwhelming amount of debt relating to school costs. I just really thought that chapter of my life was closed and the thought of going back to that pretty much caused me to totally fall apart.

Anyways, enough blathering on and on about this. As I do whenever I make a major financial decision, I asked my dad for his take on it and he helped me brainstorm some other solutions. I had forgotten to factor in tuition reimbursement, and when you take that into account my work will pay for a considerable amount of the cost, which means that I can take the first two classes one at a time, instead of doubling up. I will can do the bulk of the work during the summer when I am doing nothing anyways and I will only have to take out loans for three classes instead of six. This makes me feel better about things.

I have a friend whose dad is very into Indian Astrology and a few years ago he did a reading for me based on my birthdate, time and location. He reported that I would eventually find a lot of success in my career, but that I would have to struggle against many obstacles before I found that success. Anyways, I don't know how exactly you define "success" as a public school teacher anyways. I just feel like I have taken the long way around over and over when it comes to being a financially independent real live grown up and it's frustrating. It would just be nice to be be on top of the bills, maybe have something in the savings account, and not have something like having a fuel pump be a total financial crisis.

Anyways, I had all of this kind of stuff floating in my head when I was biking along the River Trail earlier in the week. This plaque was on one of the benches along the way.

And actually, that quote sort of helped me refocus.

So remember this post? (which incidently anonymous commenter, I DID have gas. When I need gas a little light turns on and then when I really, really need gas the car starts beeping at me.)

Well, today my driver's side window just arbitrarily decided to stop working. It makes the rolling down window sound but window does not move. =( Which pretty much sucks because my AC isn't really blowing out cold air anymore, so it doesn't take long till I feel like I am inside a greenhouse. Which is bad enough on it's own, but just when I thought driving in my car couldn't get anymore unpleasant/embarrassing, my brother warned me that window might arbitrarily just fall down inside the door at any moment and we might have to tape it up in the meantime. Thank goodness school is out, otherwise I would have to park my car a block away and walk to save face. I've never been a really vain person, but it seems like God is really trying to humble me when it comes to my car. Ugh, I can't even talk about it anymore.

Isaac's dad and I managed to have a series of civil enough conversations, including an awkward "Happy birthday!!!!" conversation where he said "It's not my birthday. My birthday is in nine days." Whoops. Anyways, M's father is coming for a few months from Sierra Leone. Isaac has spoken to him on the phone, but never met him, so we are all excited about that. He even asked me my preference about where I would like Isaac to sleep while his father is there, which shocked me. (One of our biggest fights ever was when he had Isaac sleeping in bed with some random girlfriend of his and then instructed Isaac to lie to me about it. AS IF Isaac wouldn't tell me that within 60 seconds after I picked him up.) So it should be a good weekend with his dad.

I've been doing some work as a secret shopper which has been fun. A friend of mine is the regional manager of a clothing store and asked me to secret shop some stores. Since I have nothing but time on my hands currently, it's worked out well. I'm definitely not the target demographic for this store, so it's been interesting to see what kind of service I get.

Other than that, there isn't too much to report on. Isaac has been doing soccer camp this week which has helped fill up our days a bit more. The instructors are all from England, complete with dreamy accents. It's also been good because Isaac is on the younger end and these are more experienced soccer players. In the local league we have been playing in he is sort of a big fish in a little pond, so I think this has been good for him.

Hope things are well with all of you.

sooo.....

So Isaac and I went bowling today and had a great time. As I returned home I saw two Mormon missionaries trekking down our street. I figured I would honk and wave but then I realized they were walking up my driveway. There was no avoiding them so I greeted them and invited them up into my less than clean house complete with a huge trail of ants in the middle of my kitchen from some popcorn that was dropped earlier.

I wasn't entirely sure how they got my name/information because they said they I had met with the missionaries before, which wasn't accurate. They didn't even know that I was a member or really anything about me, so I guess I wasn't necessarily on some "MEMBERS OF CONCERN" list they were handed at a sunday morning meeting.

They were extremely nice and ridiculously sincere, but it's always a little awkward to have someone you just met ten minutes earlier ask you about the frequency of your personal prayers and scripture study and why I haven't gone through the temple. They tried to do their best to give me pat, easy responses to the things that I told them I struggle with. ("Do you like icecream?... Well how did you know you would like icecream before you ever tasted it? You didn't until you tried it!") I give them an A for effort though. I am certain that the one was closer to 19 than 20 and the other one tried to relate the alienation I feel as a single mom in a family ward to the alienation he felt as a college freshman attending Elder's Quorum for the first time.... yeah.

It's hard to even work through the feelings I have within my own mind, let alone articulate them to a couple of missionaries from Idaho. Would I probably feel more like a part of things if anyone would have made any kind of effort to talk to me or get to know me the first year I attended church in my new ward? Yes. But ultimately will I ever feel fully included in any ward at church? No. I don't fit in anywhere and I probably never will. My parental status leaves me not single enough for the single ward (which is an hour away) and not traditional enough for the family ward. I'm too old for YSA crowd but too young for SA stuff (not that I am interested in that crowd at all). I usually leave church feeling lonelier and more depressed than before I came, which, honestly, doesn't really motivate me to want to go on the weeks I don't have Isaac or have to teach Sunday School. But, do consider the church and it's teachings to be true? Yes, I do. I mean, if I had to choose between "yes" and "no" I would choose "yes". So that's where I'm at.

So anyways, I don't think anything they have in their arsenal of scripted role plays prepared them for that conversation, but they sure tried hard. I assured them that I would make a better effort, took their primary-style Book of Mormon reading chart and promised that they would see me tomorrow (reminding them, that I do teach Sunday School and more often than not, I am at church). It wasn't until after they left that I remembered that even having them come inside my house was probably breaking mission rules with me being single and all (but that's a whole different blog). Oops.

I'm disabling comments on this one. Just want to put my feelings down a bit, not really looking for feedback.

I'm out of control...

Ugh. Isaac's dad and I have been fighting the last few days and it has really been bringing me down. Last night we had a big explosion and I am still reeling from it.

The conversation started off okay but unravelled quickly. Within 15 minutes I was straight up screaming at him at the top of my lungs. He pushes my buttons in a way that literally no one else does. I am not a confrontational person at all. I would normally bend over backward to avoid conflict or discord. But any percieved criticism from him puts me on the defense and even though he has never raised his voice to me, or even used rough language, it seems that is is only a matter of time until I have totally lost all composure with him and am screaming like a lunatic and totally out of control.

The fight was a continuation of a fight that started the day before and really is a continuation of the same old fight it feels like we have been having forever. Yesterday morning I suggested that since we obviously both feel strongly about certain things and clearly we do not communicate well with each other and we both feel the other doesn't understand our own point of view, perhaps we should see some kind of counselor that could help us work through some of the big sticking points. Of course, he refused, saying he doesn't need any help and if I would just accept the things he wants completely there wouldn't be a problem. Cause clearly THAT's worked well for the past seven years. The things we are arguing over are things that can't easily be changed or compromised on, things that are extremely important to each of us. We both have dug in our heels and feel that the other won't see things from our point of view. I feel that I am willing to compromise on certain issues, but he is not willing to compromise at all.

The one issue I have proposed a compromise on is the same old arguement over Isaac's last name. We both would like Isaac to have our last name. Currently, Isaac only has one last name, which is mine. I am willing to hyphenate so he has both of our last names. He wishes for Stephenson to be Isaac's middle name and won't hear of anything different or consider any compromise. I keep trying to explain to him that the same reasons he feels strongly about Isaac having his last name are the same reasons that I feel strongly about him keeping mine. And also, really, it's already been done and he can't make me change it. But he just keeps repeating it over and over like it's a new idea that we have never talked about before "Isaac will have my last name and Stephenson will be his middle name". Not "what if" or "how about" or "it would mean a lot to me if" just "you will do this" which of course makes me say "To hell with you, I'll do whatever I want." He can't understand why I feel just as strongly as he does that he keeps my last name as well. His attitude was just the last straw and I totally lost it and started shouting and ranting like a crazy woman. Living in a townhouse, I am sure my neighbor's heard everything. He icily said that he thought we should end the conversation now while he could still be the bigger person, before he stooped to my level. Which, I mean, is true. I would never tolerate him treating me the way I end up treating him. I concluded the conversation by screaming and hurling the phone across the room.

I am so ashamed and disappointed with myself. After we fight, I think back to the conversations and so much of what I have said was so combative and unnecessary, just me lashing out in an effort to hurt him before he hurts me. These arguments bring out the very worst side of me. I am always berating him for being over the top passive aggressive (which he is). But in a way, how can I even blame him for not want to bring issues to the table, because it is very rare that I can discuss anything in a rational way. I think I need to go to a counselor. Even if M refuses to come with me to have a neutral party be a mediator, at least maybe a counselor could give me some tips on how to handle these conversations when they do arise and give me some strategies to use or something. The level of anger that I am unloading during these arguements is scary and intense. Clearly I need a healthier way to release the emotions that are bottled up inside me.

So that's that. Ick.

just keeping it real

I'm in a funk.

I miss Isaac.

I know he is having fun. I know he is safe and having the time of his life. I know I should be enjoying the time to myself that I always seem to covet.

But tonight.. I just miss him.

I also miss the rest of my family. I generally talk to my mom on the phone at least once a day. I talk to my dad at least once a week. I talk to or see my brother's frequently. I just feel lonely. Yesterday was the culmination of loneliness. Although it wasn't a major holiday, I don't generally spend holidays completely alone.

I stayed late at work tonight (till about six thirty), since I hadn't made any plans and didn't really have anything to come home to. Which sucks and just set the tone for a night of wallowing in ridiculous self pity.

I'm just overwhelmed by stuff. Which makes me feel sort of paralyzed. So instead of trying to deal with things I just bury my head passively in the sand and do nothing and my life implodes around me.

Okay, that's a bit dramatic.

But it's true more or less.

And I don't give into the temptation very often but today I got stuck listening to those old voices and just thinking catastrophically. (I have no friends, I'm unattractive, I will be alone forever).

It really hit me that I am almost 30. Which is just such a significant milestone-type birthday. I don't know. I just thought I would have more stuff figured out by now. Since I'm about to be a real full-blown adult. I just thought I would be more together.

Anyways, all of those thoughts resulted in me going on an emotion fuelled eating binge.

Which left me feeling even more disgusted with myself.

Which makes me feel even more unlovable and lonely.

And it spirals on.

In general I'm good at staying positive and being content. But tonight is not one of those nights...

I'm only happy when it rains....

Sorry for the lack of blog posts lately. I finally have some time to sit down and type because (insert angel chorus) it's the weekend!!! I've been under a lot of stress from work and it seems like when I am stressed everything in my life unravels. I start eating crappy (like Oreos for dinner badly) and then I don't bother to work out and I stop cleaning my house and pretty much everything falls apart. WIWW falls by the wayside. The vacumm cleaner goes untouched. On and on. Anyways, I can't write about it specifically (of course) but it is a terrible continuation of the stressful situation from about this time last year that caused me to flee to Florida for a while. Also the continuous stresses of never having enough money. I have been tutoring after school like crazy. It's still never enough though. I'm wondering if I might need to get some kind of weekend job to hold me over until summer. I feel like I am barely squeaking by with the monthly expenses. And then there's everything else. The dishwasher is not really cleaning the dishes anymore. I need rear brakes for my car. It goes on and on. I'm trying hard to look for the positivity, because I do have so many blessing in my life and so many people that help me. While we are on that topic, here's one I probably need to record for prosperity. Last week Isaac and I left to meet up with my brother Tom at Costco (mom got us a membership for Christmas and we never went to fill out the paperwork-- isn't that an awesome present?) which is a decent drive from my house. Afterwards we stopped at Game Stop because Isaac's birthday money was burning a hole in his pocket. Then we decided to stop by Zwahlen's for some ice cream, just to make a night out of it. By the time we drove all the way home we had been out for several hours. I opened the door for Isaac and went to bring in my trashcan from the curb. Isaac came running out of the house screaming "Mom, there is water everywhere!!!!" I came in and sure enough water was POURING out of the kitchen ceiling through a big gaping opening along the seam of the dry wall. There were puddles on the floor, and my work laptop was sitting in a pool of water on the counter. I ran upstairs to see that Isaac didn't turn the water off when he used the bathroom before we left. Unfortunately, the sink that was left on was the sink that has been draining extremely slowly for the past few weeks. Water was flowing over the edge of the sink and there were several inches of water on the bathroom floor, and soaked into the carpet outside the bathroom on the landing of my stairs. It was bad. I freaked out. Isaac was terrified. We turned into a two man clean up team. Water continued to pour of the ceiling out of the gaping crack in the drywall of the kitchen and in eight different spots in the living room ceiling for the rest of the night. I had to put out huge mixing bowls and pots to collect it all in. I was pretty much hysterical envisioning rotting drywall, mildewy carpet pads, tons of home repairs. But the next day after I returned home from work I discovered that everything was pretty much dry. All of the holes and spots in the ceiling that had gallons of water flowing through them were barely noticeable 24 hours later. The carpet that had been totally saturated with water was only mildly damp. My work computer still worked fine. Tons of water poured out on either side of my TV and TV stand but all of my electronics stayed dry. Even the kitchen cieling which was the worst was quite dry and the somehow didn't seem as gaping as the day before.

It was pretty much a little personal miracle and I'm not quite sure why it worked out that way but I'm so grateful.

So what else is new?

Not to get political, but why does it seem like everything in this country is going to hell in a handbasket? NPR and Planned Parenthood are being defunded. The Postal Service is in real trouble. I will refrain from posting a million links about terrible things that are happening in education locally and nationally. It can be so discouraging. I went to the movies last night and saw The King's Speech. We pretty much just chose that one by default. There are no good movies playing. It came down to that or the Justin Beiber movie (seriously). I had my doubts about a period movie about a guy with a stammer, but as everyone I knew who had seen it assured me, it was really, really good. Not too sure why it was rated R though. I guess because of all of the swear words. (He doesn't stammer when he swears and the speech therapist sort of runs with that).

I have had this book:

for book club for nearly a month and I haven't opened it. It is really long and my coworkers who have already started it aren't crazy about it, so I haven't gotten the motivation to start it. Maybe I will just skip this month. January I was tearing through books, but lately I can't seem to get interested in reading (see first paragraph about being in a funk). Anyone read it?

Anyways, I guess I should get out of bed and crank up the Lady Gaga station on slacker radio and get to crossing things off my to-do list. Happy Saturday everyone!

This is pretty all over the place, but here goes....

Last week my brother Tom offered to take Isaac to the car show with him. I had been couped up in the house due to snow for almost 24 hours so I jumped at the chance for Isaac to do something fun. I took advantage of his four hour absence by meeting up with my friend for dinner. We ended up gossiping getting caught up about mutual friends. One of our friends is embarking on a relationship that feels very deja vu. Lots of the same elements of her previous one. Of course, it's always easy to look at someone else and say, "Well gosh, here's the problem. Why can't they see it?" My friend made that very observation and we laughed about how her pattern until she met her current husband was dating guys that later came out of the closet. Then of course the conversation turned to me. I shared with her how I have been talking a lot to old college boyfriend and how I think I am just swept up in the nostalgia of old times. My friend pointed out that she has a hard time keeping him straight because like PDH and summer dating guy, he is also in a weird transition point in his life, and not looking for a relationship. She gets them all mixed up. Clearly this is my pattern. I find guys who for various reasons are unable or unwilling to be in a relationship. And then I can't let them go. Why am I so stuck on picking at the past and rehashing it? Why do I stay in touch with people who clearly need to go? Why do I keep revisiting these relationships just to reaffirm that it is still a square peg I'm trying to jam in a round hole?

It's taken me about 37 days, but I finally decided what I want my word of the year to be for 2011:

forward

For the longest time time I had a goal I was working toward, moving my life towards. After I had Isaac, it was finishing school. I had to push on until I got that master's degree, that teaching credential, to move past the stopping point in my career where I found myself hopelessly stuck. Then it was kindergarten. Keep on saving money and living with my parents till Isaac got to kindergarten. Even once I ended up getting my own place, kindergarten still seemed to be the big milestone I was working towards. Keep shuttling him back and forth from my parents to the daycare center till he got to kindergarten. Now I feel a bit aimless. I know what I want next in my life, but it feels out of my control.

I need to really look at my life and re-examine my goals. I need stop sitting at home in a pile of self pity googling my exs, and reading e-mails that are years old. I need something to work towards. I need something to keep pushing on for. I just feel like right now I am stuck in the past. Stuck in the same ruts. Ignoring the same issues.

In really thinking about this I have concluded that maybe I can't go forward on my own. I've been seriously considering going back to a therapist again. I saw a therapist the whole time I was pregnant. For those of you who have no experience to draw on of therapy, let me tell you, it's not what you might picture from what you've gleaned from TV. You're not lying an a couch staring into a swirling black and white circle while an old white man chewing on a pipe says "Tell me about your feelings".

**

My experience was this: she was a hippy dippy kind of lady who I called by her first name. Her office was in the back of a yoga studio in a big barn. The doorway across from her was a room where people got massages. She would put on a white noise machine while we talked. She had crystals hanging from the ceiling. We would sit in arm chairs across from one another and we would talk about stress and drama of my pregnancy. At the time, it seemed everyone in my life had a personal stake in what was happening, and she was this totally objective person who would say "I don't think you are a bad person."

Anyways, I've recognized a few mild signs of depression and especially anxiety over the past year or so and thought that maybe it might be time to go back. I've been resistant though. Not because of a perceived stigma. I could care less about that. I subscribe to the theory that everyone in the whole world can benefit from therapy. I've been hesitant mostly because really committing yourself to therapy means forcing yourself to do real work. To dig up things that you've buried. To process and work through things you would rather avoid. To confront things that are scary. To ask yourself questions that are hard. To have someone challenge beliefs and ideas about yourself that you have always had. To commit to making changes. It's not generally a quick process or really an easy one.

Anyways, I still believe that I can have it all (my slogan from last year). But maybe it's time to accept the fact that I might not be on course to have it all if I stay stuck in the ruts I've been in.

It's scary.

But I feel like it's necessary.

I'm looking forward.

So there you go.

**I also feel like there is a big stigma within the LDS culture about going to therapy. There is a belief that it is something you should power through with prayer and scripture study or have a few discussions with the Bishop. The Bishop may be well meaning, but he is not equipped to help you deal with depression or anxiety. Also, some people believe that you should only see an LDS therapist or someone through LDSFS. Unless you live in the west, it will be nearly impossible to find an LDS therapist. As for LDSFS, I don't recommend them for anything, ever. However, I don't think LDS people should be afraid to talk to a non-LDS therapist. My experience was a very positive one. She was extremely respectful of my values and beliefs, even as they continuously played into our discussions. She never pushed me to question what I believed. Just sayin'

two worlds

This weekend I spent a good deal of time out in the Lancaster area with my mom. We had a nice day going from thrift store to thrift store looking for treasure amongst the trash. Partway through our day we stopped at Isaac's, a restaurant (not to be confused with Isaac, my offspring), to grab some lunch. As we were getting out of the car, I observed a man, a woman and a child in the parking lot. I don't think most people would have taken any notice, but I immediately recognized the weekend child swap. The two cars parked next to each other but with an empty spot between them for breathing room. The man was standing in this divide awkwardly hugging and conversing with his daughter, who was maybe seven or eight. The woman had the door open and was busy rummaging around the backseat of her car, arranging bags or reinstalling a carseat. I only saw them for a moment, I didn't have a chance to see how well the girl was able to jump from daddy's world to mommy's world. I wish I did. I want some reassurance that it will somehow get easier. I am very interested to hear of any other takes on this. Isaac has at least four of these transitions a month (he spends every other weekend with his dad) for almost the past four years. When we lived closer together, he would spend time every weekend with his dad, and for a brief period, even some weekday evenings. There have been some times when it was easy, especially when Isaac was a toddler/preschooler. A seamless transition from me to him with him rushing off into his dad's apartment to find his toys, tossing a "Bye mom!" over his shoulder as he ran off. But usually it is not. More along the lines his dad having to hold him back as I left and me hearing his cries even out to the parking lot as I got in my car to pull away. Isaac's dad M. is certainly not a "Disneyland Daddy". Sometimes I think that is almost part of the problem. I think Isaac enjoys the time he spends with his father, but I don't think he especially looks forward to it. Generally I start to remind Isaac on the Monday before that this will be his weekend with Daddy. Usually at some point during the week, he will express that he doesn't want to go to his dad's, he wants to stay here with me. I try to reassure him, but it's hard. The Thursday before he goes, we pack his suitcase and I try to get him to think of things he might want to take along to do, or to show his dad. Generally, he isn't too interested. Friday morning I remind him again that I will pick him from school and we will be going to Daddy's house. When I pick him from school and suddenly he is in that "in between" transitional space and he doesn't do well there. He is almost always upset because I pick him up much earlier than other days and his play time at the Y is disrupted. He will usually start to cry and tantrum as we get in the car, often refusing to put on his seatbelt and screaming that he doesn't want to go or that he hates me. It gets worse when we approach the four way stop by his school and I go straight and not left towards home and he knows it's for real. The good news is that it takes about 25 minutes to get to the Walgreen's near M's work, which is the halfway point and the site of our "exchange". By the time we get there, Isaac is resigned to his fate and will usually get into his dad's car calmly, if not somewhat woodenly. I always remind him before he gets out of my car to say hello to his dad, but most often he won't. He just silently hops into his carseat and lets me kiss him goodbye. When we meet up again in the same spot on Sunday he doesn't generally say good-bye to his dad without prompting and usually he starts on me before we even gets into my car. Take today for example. He gets out of his dad's car and tells me he is thirsty and wants to go into Walgreen's to buy a drink. This is a routine. I will often let him go in and choose a snack or candy or special treat from the store before we head home. In my head, I am helping him with the transition and probably, on some level, trying to prove that I am the fun parent who says "yes" while daddy is the parent who has undoubtedly told him "no" as they sat there waiting for me. (Side note-- his dad is almost always at our swap spot at least fifteen minutes early for no apparent reason. This often results in Isaac perceiving that I am late to get him, when in reality I am right on time. No amount of explaining will convince him otherwise. Drives me crazy). Anyways, today I said no. My budget is tight, and I am trying to cut silly little shopping trips like this out. Isaac became enraged and kicks my car door twice and refuses to get in the car. We are in a stand off, which his dad glances at passively as he pulls away. Finally Isaac gets in the car but refuses to put on his seatbelt, so I have to do it for him. The whole way home, he alternates between screaming/crying ("I'm thirsty!!!"), curling up in a ball with his head on his knees and giving me the silent treatment (such as when I finally pull into a McDonald's drive through to get him a drink and then he refuses to answer me when I ask him what he wants), and giving me snotty, venom filled replies that I would expect to be hurled at me from the lips of a greasy haired teenager, not my precious almost six year old. This goes on for the next 20 minutes or so. He is angry that I won't stop at Target for a toy. Then he has to the bathroom. When I pull over at a Wegman's to let him go, he angrily tells me that this is not a grocery store. He also is furious that I am calling him Isaac, which he now declares is "not his name". I try to joke with him to break him out of his mood but he won't engage. (I know better than to inquire about how his weekend was, or ask what he did at daddy's. He never wants to discuss it in the car or in response to my questioning. Sometimes, he will share with me later on his own terms). When we get into the grocery store, not the place we usually shop and which he has never set foot in, he insists he knows where the bathrooms are and refuses to follow me. On the way to the bathroom he looks up at me disdainfully and says "I have an idea mom. Can you do me a favor and just not talk to me for a while? Yeahthanks." I gritted my teeth, resisting the impulse to slap him, and said "No problem." He then declared he was going into the men's room so that he wouldn't have to be with me anymore. The Wegman's we stopped at is huge. It has a big restaurant inside it, a kids area with a TV and an enormous shopping area with little stands and people offering samples. The ceiling has an enormous train track with a locomotive circling the dairy section. When he emerged from the bathroom and back into the hustle and bustle of the store, he softened somewhat, reached up and took my hand, and said "Mommy, could we stay here for a little bit? Could we shop or get something to eat?" It was like someone had turned a switch and he was suddenly back to my charming little boy again. We wandered around for a bit, people watching, laughing and joking. When we got back into the car, unprompted he shared with me that he had wet himself that morning at his dad's, because it was dark when he woke up and he was too afraid to go by himself down the dark hallway to the bathroom. We talked about how next time I would send along a flashlight to keep there, so that wouldn't happen again. His dad never shares much about their weekends together. He is a man of few words. I don't know if he gets any backlash during the transit between parental worlds, or if I bare the brunt of naughty behavior. I know it must be terribly overwhelming for a five year old to transition back and forth and all of this acting out is his way dealing with his feelings. But there has to be an easier way?? In an ideal world we would meet at a park and Isaac would play for a while before one of us said good-bye, seamlessly transitioning Isaac from one parent to the other. Or his dad would pick him up from school, eliminating me from the entire equation. But that's just not possible. The Walgreen's car switch is pretty much how it needs to be. Anyone out there have any tips or tricks? Brilliant insights? I want to be the caring mom helping transition, but I also don't want to be pushover, throwing treats at him and tolerating his ridiculous behavior.

ugh

It's been a rough week (and it's only Tuesday!).

warning: If you see me IRL I may rip your head off

Ugh. PMS + lack of sleep + too much work + overwhelming mommy guilt has turned me into a rather miserable person the past few days. I'm fairly sure even my own parents are screening their calls from me at this point. I'm only one person who is just spread too thin. I fell asleep face down on the couch for 30 minutes today at around 7 o'clock. So much for Zumba. I just can't make it. Anyways, Isaac's dad just got screamed at for insinuating that I wasn't putting forth an effort to get Isaac into a fall soccer program (backstory, I totally dropped the ball on sign-ups for his normal league, and it is too late for him to play. I have been scouring the internet, making phone calls etc, but everything is full, is for toddlers or is waaaaaaaaaaay too expensive. Now his dad wants me to go over to the fields of his old league and just linger around asking people if he can play. I'm not going to do that. I feel HORRIBLE about missing sign ups but when it really comes down to it, he will play in the spring and if he misses one season of soccer is it really the end of the world? No, it is not.). Anyways, I ended up just straight up psychotically screamed at him about how come it's always up to me to figure this stuff out and he could just drive over here and linger around the soccer fields like a creeper if it's so freakin important to him and it's so easy for him to be critical when I am the one that does 98% of the parenting. He was being nagging and irritating, that was certainly not an appropriate response. He even said to me "If I was screaming at you the way you are talking to me how would you feel?" and I had to admit I would hang up on him.

My cavity is killing me. I MUST call and schedule my root canal I have been in denial about needing all summer now. It is to the point where the entire side of my head is radiating pain almost all of the time, which is certainly not helping my irritability. Tomorrow is back to school night (for me as a teacher, not me as a parent). 13 hours of work. Ugh, enough said.

I haven't seen my friends or done anything social in several weeks due to wedding mania. This weekend I will be out of town again for my old college roommate Nicole's wedding in New York. That puts me out of town something like 5 out of the last 6 weekends.

I'm out of cat food.

My sink is filled with dishes and I am always out of clean spoons.

I have nothing creative to pack for lunch.

And poor Isaac. What I really need to do is slow down and make time to give him my complete and undivided attention. To stop hurrying him along rushing him in and out of clothes and in and out of the car and shuffling him from babysitter to babysitter. It's too much.

Anyways, I will end the whine-fest now. I'm going to forget the pile of work I brought home with me and just go to bed early. Yes my life is an out of control carousel but everything is harder to deal with when you are exhausted and lonely.

validation

Sometimes I agonize so much about how I come off to others it's ridiculous. I was e-mailing back and forth with a girlfriend about some of my (thousands of) insecurities of course in the context of dating. I was lamenting that I have nothing to say that doesn't relate in some way to five year olds (having one at home and working with them all day at school). Here was a part of her reply. Sometimes it's nice for someone else to affirm what you try so hard to be and see in yourself. "It's no consolation from me, but you are very smart and you come off very smart and confident, almost intimidatingly so.... I think him seeing your interests outside of kids is a plus, but also your love for kids and ability to teach kids who most people can't even figure out how to communicate is a huge part of who you are. You went to enough school to be making double what you must be making (I'm pulling this out of the blue) if you'd chosen another field. That is a really big deal. The balance of having a strong sense of self and desire to better yourself, and also dedication to sacrifice and better the world around you in some way is a very rare and spectacular thing. You're giving and empathetic but not a doormat. Anyone who is dating you needs to get that and be completely blown away by how amazing that is. " Have a nice weekend. Take time to assure others... =)

It's Fun to Be Hated...

The Pennsylvania pension mess: Teachers will help fix it, but they must be fairly compensated Wednesday, May 19, 2010 By James P. Testerman Recent media reports have given considerable coverage to the expected 2012-2013 increase in school district pension costs and what it could mean for taxpayers. That's fine, but as this public discussion proceeds, we must not overlook how pension policies affect our schools, students and teachers. To find real solutions, we must assess the situation from a broader perspective. The 2001 passage of the controversial No Child Left Behind law redefined expectations. Without getting into the pros and cons of the legislation, it did raise standards for student achievement. So how have we done? The Center for Education Policy has applauded Pennsylvania for recording gains in all academic categories from 2002 through 2008. Pennsylvania eight-graders showed larger gains than their counterparts in 41 other states on the 2009 National Assessment of Educational Progress reading test, and their scores ranked among the highest in the nation. More Pennsylvania students than ever are choosing higher education. If Pennsylvania students were a football team, we'd be celebrating their top rankings. Unfortunately, this good news is rarely reported. While student scores have steadily improved, salaries for school employees have struggled to keep pace with inflation. By at least one measure, educators' average salary has actually fallen. Salary is the biggest component of teacher compensation, and a study by the Economic Policy Institute found Pennsylvania teachers earn 18 percent less on average than other college graduates. So why do school employees keep doing their best without complaining? Teaching is a calling. College graduates choose our profession to help future generations, not because they expect to get rich. School employees anticipate that they will earn a middle-class salary, with good benefits and the promise of a secure retirement. Benefit packages help to keep top-quality educators in the classroom. Even as their salaries have stagnated or declined, Pennsylvania public school employees have been the one group that has continued to contribute money to the pension fund on schedule, consistently paying their share with every paycheck. The state government and school districts have delayed their payments. Over the past decade, school employees have contributed almost twice as much as school districts and the commonwealth combined ($7.35 billion compared to $3.76 billion). And as the districts and the state took their "pension holiday," two historic stock-market downturns depleted the pension fund and contributed to the looming increase in costs required for them to meet their obligations. Think of it this way: You walk into a furniture store and see an offer for "no money down and no interest" for a number of years. You get good use out of your kitchen table for years, but eventually the bill comes due. Same goes for pension costs. Eventually the bill comes due, and the costs will be high. This history matters because the looming increase in pension contribution rates, the so-called pension spike, is based on costs already incurred for which the bill is now coming due, not for benefits to be earned in the future. Approximately 75 percent of the 2012-2013 employer obligation is for pensions already owed to school employees. And the price will be high because the district and the commonwealth put off their installments. Proposals to reduce the level of future benefits, or to switch to alternative, 401(k)-type systems, cannot significantly address the increase in employer contribution rates. They simply would further erode the modest retirement security of working Pennsylvanians whose salaries already have been slipping -- and make it harder for Pennsylvania to keep and attract the high-quality teachers needed to produce further improvements in student achievement. It's appropriate to re-examine pension programs to ensure their long-term health. But the solution should not be a race to the bottom. Policy makers should try to restore the ability of all middle-class workers to achieve a modest, secure retirement. The Pennsylvania State Education Association is committed to working with elected officials to find solutions that recognize these challenging economic times, are fair to taxpayers and public school employees, make the most efficient use of taxpayer dollars and promote high-quality education for Pennsylvania schoolchildren. For this important discussion to begin in earnest, we must first understand the history of the problem, respect those who have worked to improve student achievement and agree to make decisions today that won't hurt Pennsylvania workers in the future. James P. Testerman is a science teacher in the Central York School District and president of the Pennsylvania State Education Association (www.psea.org).

"If you can't love yourself, how in the HELL you gonna love somebody else?" - Rupaul

Truer words were never spoken.

ick

(not actually me) =P

So I am an avid watcher of Intervention. When an addict's family is trying to help their loved one get into treatment, the counselor generally tells them that the addict must hit rock bottom. He then works with the family to set firm boundaries that can help speed along the process of the addict hitting a "bottom".

Well, I have been really, really struggling with my finances and budgeting and this weekend I sort of hit a bottom.

Not rock bottom, I'm not filing bankruptcy or losing my home or anything.

But I did hit sort of a bottom.

I ran home to my parents house in Lancaster to have a good cry with my folks and to sort through a huge stack of bills and try to get things in order. It was much easier to have someone help me deal with each sheet of paper and make a budget. Aside from the nuts of bolts of working in excel and crunching numbers we also had a pretty good talk about my life and the patterns it seems to follow.

Realities:

• A tactic I use often in my life is avoidance. I will physically avoid my problems (for example, not going to the mailbox, or not opening my bills) or just avoid thinking about them or dealing with them.
• Refusing to deal with my problems doesn't help me actually avoid the stress. It still manifests itself physically in the form of crippling headaches, upset stomachs and skin rashes. So best to just deal with things and ask for help.
• I am still trying to live the lifestyle that I lived when I lived at home with my parents/the lifestyle that my childless mortgage-less friends live. This cannot continue. I need to get into frugal mom mode ASAP.
• Along the same lines, I must learn to say no to other people, to Isaac and to myself. I do not have to take Isaac to every birthday party he is invited to. I do not have to buy candy/flowers/sandwich coupons to support my coworkers kid's fundraisers every time they ask. I do not have to attend every jewelry, candle, Tastefully Simple or retirement party for my coworkers. I do not have to attend every school function. I can't go out to eat with my girlfriends whenever they ask. When I'm hungry I need to go home and eat leftovers instead of going to Wawa. I can no longer kill an hour wandering around Target and tossing whatever catches my eye into the cart. I can't buy tickets for every concert or play that I would like. I simply cannot afford it. This one is really hard for me. I am not one of those mom's that revels in clipping coupons and going a year without a haircut. But it's time to get serious about cutting back.
• I'm not going to elaborate much on this one but you know that old expression "For every finger you point and someone else, there are three more pointing right back at you?" I think there is truth to qualities that I despise in others are the ones I might recognize within myself. It tough to deal with.

Then I had a lovely sleep in the pink spare room and went to church with them in the morning. I picked Isaac up from his dad's and brought him back there and we stayed for dinner and played outside. It was a lovely little retreat. Coming home this evening I feel better able to face things and I have some action items on my to do list that can help me move forward rather than just be stuck in a mire of anxiety and fear. So to recap, I have the best family in the world, I'm facing and dealing with my problems, and I can't go to the movies for the next three years at least. How was your weekend?

heavy things

"For if thou altogether holdest thy peace at this time... deliverance [will come] from another place....Who knoweth whether thou art come... for such a time as this?" --Esther 4:14

I was reminded of that verse last weekend at Time Out for Women in the 'burgh.

It reminds me of a current work situation. Remember this post?

Well they posted a recent update that she failed to show up to court and is now considered a fugitive. I take a little comfort in that, knowing that it will keep the kids out of her care for longer.

I am in the midst of another horribly sad situation at my school along the same lines (abuse/neglect) which brought this scripture to mind again. That is definitely the hardest part of my job. I don't want to post about particulars, but the day that I came to a full understanding of what home life looks like for one of my little defenseless kindergartners. I literally became physically ill and could barely move off my mom's couch for the evening. I'm a really sensitive person and that aspect of my job isn't something that I have gotten any better at coping with. More than once I have had to ask for the person to stop providing me with the details if there is nothing that is going to change for them. I just cannot handle it.

Anyways, CPS were only called for the first kid because of the persistance in me and my assistants in documenting signs of neglect. We are in a similar pattern with the current situation. This student's caregiver stormed into the school and was very upset about our reports. I guess she is feeling the heat finally. My principal explained that we are mandated reporters and that we will continue to report things. It is up to the authorities to make the decisions and judgements about what we report to them.

I don't think I could rest at night if I knew I wasn't doing everything in my power to to ensure the safety and well being of each of my students. The things you see/hear about just break your heart.

As the verse says, I can be quiet and deliverance may come from another place but with such a transient population and so many kids off and on my caseload, who's to say our paths didn't briefly cross for this exact purpose? Especially with this particular situation, I really feel like God prepared me and softened my heart (and other people as well) to be more aware of things that had been overlooked previously.

I feel like I am not being terribly eloquent. I hope you got where I am going with this. It's something I sort of wanted to process and get out.

Thought of the Day

Sometimes things are not what they seem....