I'm in a funk.
I know he is having fun. I know he is safe and having the time of his life. I know I should be enjoying the time to myself that I always seem to covet.
I also miss the rest of my family. I generally talk to my mom on the phone at least once a day. I talk to my dad at least once a week. I talk to or see my brother's frequently. I just feel lonely. Yesterday was the culmination of loneliness. Although it wasn't a major holiday, I don't generally spend holidays completely alone.
I stayed late at work tonight (till about six thirty), since I hadn't made any plans and didn't really have anything to come home to. Which sucks and just set the tone for a night of wallowing in ridiculous self pity.
I'm just overwhelmed by stuff. Which makes me feel sort of paralyzed. So instead of trying to deal with things I just bury my head passively in the sand and do nothing and my life implodes around me.
Okay, that's a bit dramatic.
But it's true more or less.
And I don't give into the temptation very often but today I got stuck listening to those old voices and just thinking catastrophically. (I have no friends, I'm unattractive, I will be alone forever).
It really hit me that I am almost 30. Which is just such a significant milestone-type birthday. I don't know. I just thought I would have more stuff figured out by now. Since I'm about to be a real full-blown adult. I just thought I would be more together.
Anyways, all of those thoughts resulted in me going on an emotion fuelled eating binge.
Which left me feeling even more disgusted with myself.
Which makes me feel even more unlovable and lonely.
And it spirals on.
In general I'm good at staying positive and being content. But tonight is not one of those nights...
1 comment:
I have nights like these often. Even though I am married and have a child I still feel like I am a mess and do not have anything figured out. I wish we lived close by vase I would totally join you in the eating that way we are only eating half as much.
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