two worlds

This weekend I spent a good deal of time out in the Lancaster area with my mom. We had a nice day going from thrift store to thrift store looking for treasure amongst the trash. Partway through our day we stopped at Isaac's, a restaurant (not to be confused with Isaac, my offspring), to grab some lunch. As we were getting out of the car, I observed a man, a woman and a child in the parking lot. I don't think most people would have taken any notice, but I immediately recognized the weekend child swap. The two cars parked next to each other but with an empty spot between them for breathing room. The man was standing in this divide awkwardly hugging and conversing with his daughter, who was maybe seven or eight. The woman had the door open and was busy rummaging around the backseat of her car, arranging bags or reinstalling a carseat. I only saw them for a moment, I didn't have a chance to see how well the girl was able to jump from daddy's world to mommy's world. I wish I did. I want some reassurance that it will somehow get easier. I am very interested to hear of any other takes on this. Isaac has at least four of these transitions a month (he spends every other weekend with his dad) for almost the past four years. When we lived closer together, he would spend time every weekend with his dad, and for a brief period, even some weekday evenings. There have been some times when it was easy, especially when Isaac was a toddler/preschooler. A seamless transition from me to him with him rushing off into his dad's apartment to find his toys, tossing a "Bye mom!" over his shoulder as he ran off. But usually it is not. More along the lines his dad having to hold him back as I left and me hearing his cries even out to the parking lot as I got in my car to pull away. Isaac's dad M. is certainly not a "Disneyland Daddy". Sometimes I think that is almost part of the problem. I think Isaac enjoys the time he spends with his father, but I don't think he especially looks forward to it. Generally I start to remind Isaac on the Monday before that this will be his weekend with Daddy. Usually at some point during the week, he will express that he doesn't want to go to his dad's, he wants to stay here with me. I try to reassure him, but it's hard. The Thursday before he goes, we pack his suitcase and I try to get him to think of things he might want to take along to do, or to show his dad. Generally, he isn't too interested. Friday morning I remind him again that I will pick him from school and we will be going to Daddy's house. When I pick him from school and suddenly he is in that "in between" transitional space and he doesn't do well there. He is almost always upset because I pick him up much earlier than other days and his play time at the Y is disrupted. He will usually start to cry and tantrum as we get in the car, often refusing to put on his seatbelt and screaming that he doesn't want to go or that he hates me. It gets worse when we approach the four way stop by his school and I go straight and not left towards home and he knows it's for real. The good news is that it takes about 25 minutes to get to the Walgreen's near M's work, which is the halfway point and the site of our "exchange". By the time we get there, Isaac is resigned to his fate and will usually get into his dad's car calmly, if not somewhat woodenly. I always remind him before he gets out of my car to say hello to his dad, but most often he won't. He just silently hops into his carseat and lets me kiss him goodbye. When we meet up again in the same spot on Sunday he doesn't generally say good-bye to his dad without prompting and usually he starts on me before we even gets into my car. Take today for example. He gets out of his dad's car and tells me he is thirsty and wants to go into Walgreen's to buy a drink. This is a routine. I will often let him go in and choose a snack or candy or special treat from the store before we head home. In my head, I am helping him with the transition and probably, on some level, trying to prove that I am the fun parent who says "yes" while daddy is the parent who has undoubtedly told him "no" as they sat there waiting for me. (Side note-- his dad is almost always at our swap spot at least fifteen minutes early for no apparent reason. This often results in Isaac perceiving that I am late to get him, when in reality I am right on time. No amount of explaining will convince him otherwise. Drives me crazy). Anyways, today I said no. My budget is tight, and I am trying to cut silly little shopping trips like this out. Isaac became enraged and kicks my car door twice and refuses to get in the car. We are in a stand off, which his dad glances at passively as he pulls away. Finally Isaac gets in the car but refuses to put on his seatbelt, so I have to do it for him. The whole way home, he alternates between screaming/crying ("I'm thirsty!!!"), curling up in a ball with his head on his knees and giving me the silent treatment (such as when I finally pull into a McDonald's drive through to get him a drink and then he refuses to answer me when I ask him what he wants), and giving me snotty, venom filled replies that I would expect to be hurled at me from the lips of a greasy haired teenager, not my precious almost six year old. This goes on for the next 20 minutes or so. He is angry that I won't stop at Target for a toy. Then he has to the bathroom. When I pull over at a Wegman's to let him go, he angrily tells me that this is not a grocery store. He also is furious that I am calling him Isaac, which he now declares is "not his name". I try to joke with him to break him out of his mood but he won't engage. (I know better than to inquire about how his weekend was, or ask what he did at daddy's. He never wants to discuss it in the car or in response to my questioning. Sometimes, he will share with me later on his own terms). When we get into the grocery store, not the place we usually shop and which he has never set foot in, he insists he knows where the bathrooms are and refuses to follow me. On the way to the bathroom he looks up at me disdainfully and says "I have an idea mom. Can you do me a favor and just not talk to me for a while? Yeahthanks." I gritted my teeth, resisting the impulse to slap him, and said "No problem." He then declared he was going into the men's room so that he wouldn't have to be with me anymore. The Wegman's we stopped at is huge. It has a big restaurant inside it, a kids area with a TV and an enormous shopping area with little stands and people offering samples. The ceiling has an enormous train track with a locomotive circling the dairy section. When he emerged from the bathroom and back into the hustle and bustle of the store, he softened somewhat, reached up and took my hand, and said "Mommy, could we stay here for a little bit? Could we shop or get something to eat?" It was like someone had turned a switch and he was suddenly back to my charming little boy again. We wandered around for a bit, people watching, laughing and joking. When we got back into the car, unprompted he shared with me that he had wet himself that morning at his dad's, because it was dark when he woke up and he was too afraid to go by himself down the dark hallway to the bathroom. We talked about how next time I would send along a flashlight to keep there, so that wouldn't happen again. His dad never shares much about their weekends together. He is a man of few words. I don't know if he gets any backlash during the transit between parental worlds, or if I bare the brunt of naughty behavior. I know it must be terribly overwhelming for a five year old to transition back and forth and all of this acting out is his way dealing with his feelings. But there has to be an easier way?? In an ideal world we would meet at a park and Isaac would play for a while before one of us said good-bye, seamlessly transitioning Isaac from one parent to the other. Or his dad would pick him up from school, eliminating me from the entire equation. But that's just not possible. The Walgreen's car switch is pretty much how it needs to be. Anyone out there have any tips or tricks? Brilliant insights? I want to be the caring mom helping transition, but I also don't want to be pushover, throwing treats at him and tolerating his ridiculous behavior.

pausing life tonight

Sorry for my departure from the blogging world. I just got back from a lovely getaway at the Jersey Shore for a week and I am ridiculously tan. I hope it lasts. Anyways, school is about to start again and I have done NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING to prepare myself. I've moved classrooms and everything I own is piled haphazardly into the closet of the new classroom. No welcome letters or social stories have been written, let alone mailed. Plus, I have to start work two weeks before Isaac starts kindergarten which adds another layer of balancing to the mix. I'm still trying to wrap up all of the loose ends of summer. My sister gets married in 5 days. There is barely any time left over to squeeze in yoga, regular excercise, seeing friends and an occasional date.

Life is a little dizzying right now but everything is great.

Here's a quick update:

Vacation

Vacation was lovely. There was an adjustment period of course to going from living in a big house with just Isaac to living in a very small house with 7 or 8 other people. Also, there was a bit of a mix up and there were not enough beds for all of us, which meant that I shared a full sized bed with Isaac for most of the time we were there. Five and a half is officially too old for cosleeping, in case you were wondering. BUT after the mandatory adjustment to communal living, it was a delightful getaway. My sister and her fiance were able to join us for the whole week. He is a great guy and it was fun to spend time with the two of them. It was a relaxing week with lots of icecream and fudge, walks on the boardwalk, late night games of Hearts, lazy days in the sun on the beach, and reading on the porch. I seriously love the Jersey shore. Here's a family picture.

Isaac

Isaac is such a big boy I want to die. Seriously, in my head I think of him as a little preschooler and the fact of the matter is he is a little boy. I'm sure it sounds psychotic but it's really hard for me to accept. Like, really hard. It makes me feel sad when I really reflect on him being school age now. I don't know. I have blogged about this a lot before but I feel like I spent so much of his young babyhood working and going to class and all of the stuff for grad school and I know that was important and what I had to do to make a good life for us, but I feel like I didn't get to fully appreciate those early times and now he is just this great big kid. It was so apparent this year while we were at the beach. He learned to boogie board and was riding waves like a champ with my siblings. He also learned to ride his bike without his training wheels. Here's a pic:

Conversely, I also feel a little bit like I am raising a teenager. He has been Mr. Attitude lately and so defiant. Constantly questioning me and argueing with me. Talking back. Straight up refusing to do things I tell him to. I don't know what to do. I feel a bit sheepish sometimes because he speaks to me in this condescending rude way and I know he is modeling the way I talk to him sometimes. I need to set a better example of respectful language and voice tone. But, I also need for him to understand that there are ways that are just not acceptable for any child to talk to any adult and that includes the way he interacts with me. It is hard though because he only is ever around grown ups so I don't think he really understands that. I don't want to be one of those parents that wants to be friends with their kids so badly they turn into a doormat. But on the other hand, it's just the two of us and I just want us to get along. I just feel like I am always in a battle with him anymore and negotiating with him over ridiculous things and it has to stop.

For example, today I went to the singles ward in the city. Afterwards his dad and I met up and did the Isaac switch-off. We pass right by the neighborhood in the city where my youngest brother lives. After consulting with Isaac we decided to head over to my brother's house and likely eat dinner. My brother was called and all was well. About two minutes later Isaac decides he no longer wants to go and begins whining/yelling about how Joe's house is boring, he's hungry and there will be no food there, I need to call Joe and cancel, etc. When we arrived there he refused to get out of the car. After coaxing him out of the car, he wouldn't come in Joe's house, etc. etc., on and on with him screaming at me, hitting me, refusing to do what I asked, etc. I couldn't figure out why he was being so stubborn and ridiculous about doing something he normally loves doing: visiting his uncle. It kept escalating and culminated in me totally losing my temper and spanking him (very rare occurance. I truly hate spanking and only resort to it a handful of times a year).

I'm truly horrified by his behavior. All of a sudden it's like he has turned into this ridiculously spoiled brat . I am open to real constructive strategies to implement. Please spare me the chuckling "This is what you get, he's every bit as stubborn as you were when you were a girl"-type advice or vague statements like "You need to show him who's boss". Of course, while I am typing this very paragraph he came out of his room all sleepy eyed and so sweetly asked me to cuddle with him in bed for a little. Melts my heart.

Dating

PDH ended up randomly getting in touch with me out of the blue. He texted me and then got all miffed when I didn't recognize his number. I was like "We broke up in February. It's July. I can delete your number from my phone if I want." We started occasionally talking and then we hung out recently which was interesting. We care about each other, I think there is potential to be good friends, but I have no desire to get back together with him and I think all of those feelings are mutual. He really is a complete and total child trapped in a 31 year olds body and it's solidly unappealing.

I've sort of put the other guy I was seeing on the backburner. I just don't feel up to playing the dating game at this point in my life. It's just too exhausting. Maybe there is something to be said about marrying young. If you get married when you are in your early 20s you have no life responsibilities or obligations and you can just focus on being together and cultivating your relationship. Once you get old you have to juggle carving out time for a relationship with all the crap of your daily life with all the emotional encumbrances you have collected as the years go on. Plus the person you are dating is doing the same thing, and you have to try to find someone who has baggage that matches yours (to take a line from Rent). It's a lot of work.* Maybe there is something to be said for the "We're 21 and in lurve!" model I see so much at church. *shrug*

* This basically the plot of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, an awesome movie I saw over the weekend. Highly recommend.

Awkward Sitch

I arranged with a friend for her to take two concert tix off my hands. We don't live toooooo far from each other but not tooo close and there isn't much reason for one of us to go to where the other lives. We agreed it would be easiest thing for us to exchange money and tickets via the US Postal system. I dropped the tickets in the mail a week before the concert (well over two weeks now). I let her know the day I did that so she would know to look for them and she indicated she would drop the money in the mail the next day. I left for the shore on Saturday (the day of the concert) and was sure I would come home after a week's worth of vacation to find an envelope with a check in my mailbox. But no check. I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate asking people for money. It's just so awkward for all parties involved. It is a relatively small amount of money so I don't want to come off as a nagging tightwad, but the truth is I am on a tight budget and even that small amount helps. Thoughts? Advice on a non-confrontational/naggy way to remind her about my moolah?

Anyways, that's about it for now. I have to go make my office habitable for humans. Specifically my sister's college best friend (who I have met once) who I will be hosting for a few nights around the wedding. Also, I still have one duffel bag to unpack from the beach, laundry piling up, and the list goes on and on. As always, I welcome your comments. Enjoy your week.

Photo that makes you angry/sad

These were pictures from when my old job, where I worked with kids with autism and severe behavior problems. It's sad of course, because the student who inflicted these on me (and yes, those are exactly what they look like, individual finger marks as a result of being grabbed and squeezed) was in such complete crisis, which is terribly hard to deal with. Behavioral meltdowns are a crisis and are exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally for everyone involved.

It also is a stressful time personally for me because my particular job description at that point in my career at this school was to help de-escalate kids in crisis, and it seemed like there were constantly kids in crisis. This really took it's toll on me day after day and was very hard to deal with. In addition to working full time at a physically demanding and stressful job, I was in grad school full time, running around constantly, getting very little sleep and not seeing my baby for long stretches. It was a hard time in my life. In the end, it was worth it and I did what I had to do to finish school and get where I am today. I don't remember tomorrow's topic, but hopefully it is more cheerful.

Why do I even bother?

Well I decided Isaac and I would check out our new ward (church congregation) today. It was a disaster from start to finish. And finish was only about 2/3 of the way through sacrament meeting when I hauled him out of the chapel by his upper arm, drug him out to the front lawn, where I completely lost my patience and screamed at him and shook him and threw him in the car. Fabulous first impression. The intolerably obnoxious preschooler who spent literally the whole entire sacrament meeting going "I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant to go hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome. I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurch" and the insanely violent mother.

tantrums -- this too shall pass???

"Usually by the time a child is three or so, tantrums are a thing of the past" -- popular parenting advice giver. Hahahahahaha. From my experience at least, the threes are more terrible than the twos. They are so much smarter and more capable and they know just how to press your buttons and they have perfect timing on when to pitch a fit. We have been tantrum city here lately. Isaac is such a strong will child and I am getting exhausted going toe to toe with him day after day. It could be anything that sends him into a grand mal tantrum. I say no to icecream for breakfast. I accidently flush the toilet when he wanted to. I serve him chicken (a normally highly preferred food) for dinner. Next thing you know he is down on the floor, kicking, thrashing, screaming until he is hoarse. Parenting books say to ignore him but he often grabs onto my legs or follows me around from room to room throwing himself at me, yet refusing any attempts to hold, soothe or comfort him. Target is a frequent location of his worst tantrums. I fully admit that I have reinforced tantrum behavior there by purchasing him toys and candy as a way to avoid public meltdowns. He recieves inconsisent messages from me (and other caregivers) and he definitely uses his tantrum behaviors as a weapon-- a means to an end. I have more than once left a cart full of groceries behind and hauled him off to the car. One time it erupted in the checkout line. I really needed whatever it was we were buying and I wanted to pay and get out. There was an old lady in front of me who was taking her sweet time paying and kept trying to talk to Isaac and me about the tantrum the whole time. "Well what is it he wants? Surely you could give since he is so sad". I attempted to ignore the woman and she finally left so I could pay and haul my screaming son out to the car. I manage to pay for my items, and I attempt to keep one hand on Isaac who is beet red and screaming bloody murder while juggling several heavy bags. We leave Target and he realizes he really isn't getting the toy and he kicks it up another notch. We are both sweaty and I am near tears myself. Well wouldn't you know our friend from the checkout line is parked right next to us and is continuing to stare at me, mouth agape. My plan was to trap Isaac in the car and then attempt to calm and quiet him, or if nothing else to strap him in and drive the 2 minutes home and then deal with him. Of course, he is still set on his toy and is fighting me tooth and nail to get into the carseat. Our elderly friend decides to intervene again. She approaches me. "Excuse me, what is it he wants? Little boy, what is it that has you so upset?" I ignore her and continue to try to stuff Isaac in the car. Please note, I have not spanked Isaac, yelled at him, or done anything in appropriate. I am simply trying to deal with him. "Please, what is it he wants? There must be something you could--" I spin around to look at her and Isaac uses this moment to make a break for it across the parking lot. I take off after him all the while I am screaming over my shoulder at this woman "PLEASE JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!!!" Fortuneatly Isaac was intercepted by a woman who told me I was doing a good job and offered to put my bags in the car for me. So anyways, now if I ever see a mom dealing with a kid in public, I try to give her a sympathetic smile and I say a little prayer for her.