The Update on Hannah

Miss Hannah Marie is just starting to outgrow her tiny newborn sized clothes and fit into some of her 0-3 clothes and 3 month sleepers. My mother and aunt have spoiled her with an enormous amount of adorable clothes so we have lots of fun choices!  

This little sleeper is one of my favorites, from The Children's Place.

Hannah continues to be a good baby and an easy baby.  She rarely cries.  She is happy in the car and good to take out. She has smiled at her dad and brother, and also at the ceiling fan but so far no smiles for me yet but mostly her resting face is quite serious.  She and Isaac continue to have a special sibling relationship.  He rushes right to her when he gets home from school.  He does a great job comforting her when she is upset.

  I have to laugh because he sounds just like a mini-me.  She will turn towards him if she hears his voice and is happy in his arms.

Sleeping is not going great but better now that we can give her a bottle at night.  Usually she will eat and settle back to sleep but the other day she was wide awake and chilling from 3:00 to 4:30.

We are still working on sleeping in the bouncy chair, swing, pack and play or, really, anywhere but our arms.  Ryan isn't bothered by holding her all night, but it is getting old for me.  

One thing about her though is she makes a noise constantly.  She started it even in the hospital, one nurse commented "This is the baby who doesn't cry, she just moans to let you know she is unhappy."  And now she spends a good deal of the day making it.  I describe it as a grunt, Ryan describes it as a growl, my mother always swears she is creating a messy diaper.  She isn't constipated, but she makes these noises all day and night long like she is.  She will even stop eating  to make them and she does it in her sleep (until she is deeply asleep).  It is worse in the afternoons/evenings and she makes it more often since we started formula.  She doesn't cry, so I don't think she is in pain, but she doesn't seem comfortable.  Anyone every heard of something like this?

Linking up to the Mama Baby Link Up on Katie's Blog

Life Goes On

a So random life updates.  My wedding rings fit again!  It has been a long time since I have been able to wear them.

Although I keep forgetting to put them on, since I am never really "getting dressed" these days.  I just change out spit up soaked sweatpants for clean pajama bottoms.  

In other news, we had a few friends come and visit which has helped pass the time.  My friends Becca and Steve stopped by Sunday with their adorable baby.  He wasn't too interested in Hannah-- more interested in the cat.  

My friend Kim also came over this week with her little boy Quentin.  It was a warmer day so we put the babies in their strollers and did a few laps around the neighborhood.  It was fun to actually get out of the house and get some fresh air and get moving.  

Isaac continued to impress me every day.  He has been so responsible to pack up his bookbag, get himself dressed and out the door in the morning with minimal assistance from me and Ryan.  He still wants to hold Hannah whenever he can and helps out when she getting bathed or changed. He will often try to comfort her when she is crying.

Hannah continues to be my sweetie pie.  She really is an easy baby as long as she is clean and fed. She is having longer periods of being awake and alert which is really fun.

 My feeding woes continue.  While we were endlessly waiting for insurance to approve my breastpump, I finally decided I needed a break from the agony of feeding her.  My one nipple was so cracked and bloody I could barely expose it to air, let alone have her feed off of it.  After 48 hours of tearful, toe curling, miserable feedings, I finally decided I had enough of powering through. I made Hannah a bottle of formula and decided that breastfeeding is just not working for me.  Then my breastpump finally arrived the next afternoon. I have spent quite a bit of time pumping since it arrived. I have yielded some milk but not enough to pump exclusively. So that's where I'm at: sort of a weird combination of formula feeding and bottle feeding expressed milk.  I figure she will still benefit from the pumped milk, however much I am able to give her.  The truth is, as much as I hoped I would be, I am not one of those moms that is amazing at breastfeeding.  I am tired of having throbbing, burning, bloody nipples and dealing with the stress of trying hopelessly to get her to latch properly.    A big part of me is disappointed I wasn't more successful, but mostly I am just relieved.  The pain associated with breastfeeding was making me dread feeding her and making me feel so hopeless and depressed.  

So that is the update.  Sleepless nights. Pumping. Cuddling with my baby.

Keeping on

Post partum life is trudging on.  The days (and nights!) are long but the weeks have gone fast.  Hannah is two weeks old as of yesterday.  She is doing well and seems to be growing bigger.  Some of her tiniest newborn outfits are getting to be a little too small, so I feel like that is some validation for all of the work I am doing to feed her.  She is still a cuddlebug and prefers to be in your arms over anywhere else but she has taken some naps in her bassinette and bouncy chair so that is a step in the right direction I suppose.  She still sleeps in my arms at night, although, we spend most of the night on the couch so we don't disturb daddy now that he is back to work.

So one thing of note: Wednesday I woke up and discovered I was bleeding very heavily.  I was terrified that I was going to die and ended up calling 911.  Hannah had her first ambulance ride in her car seat and actually did great sitting in the ER all day. My mom met us in the hospital and Ryan and my sister in law Kelly Ann arrived soon after.  My brothers were both on standby ready to come in to get Isaac and my sister was talking to me on the phone from Alaska.  I was very freaked out but it turns out horrifyingly, that much bleeding is still within the realm of "normal".  Yikes.

That is something I have been so grateful for: so many people have done so much to help me since I got home.  My in-laws have cooked me dinner and cleaned the kitchen.  My parents have driven in countless times.  My brother took down my Christmas tree and vacuumed hundreds of needles.  My sister in law kept a vigil at the hospital and made sure Ryan had lunch.  So many people have taken Isaac for play dates and sleepovers.  My sister has made herself available to talk me through breastfeeding and recovery woes.  It really has meant a lot to me and made the transition home so much easier.

So I know my last blog post was about the struggle to breastfeeding but one thing I have to say I love about breastfeeding is the pregnancy weight has fallen off.  Two weeks post-partum and I am already down to my prepregnancy weight.  I was shocked.  I can put on and button up a regular pair of jeans.  That literally never happened after I had Isaac.  I had to buy all new jeans.  So that is exciting.  Now, granted, I have lost the pounds but my body is a whole different shape now.  We will get there though.

Ryan and I have been passing time together watching a Scandal.  We are still  getting caught up on the back seasons with Netflix but we are really loving it.  I like a show with a smart, strong female lead and the writing and plot twists are so good.

I have also been reading again. A month or two ago Isaac passed the comment that I *used* to always read books but I don't anymore.  And he is right, I haven't picked up a book since my cruise.  So I made myself read Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, a book I had started over the summer and then lost interest in.  It does start off really slow, then the middle gets really good but I hated the ending.  Also, it is just a very dark book.  I am not sure I recommend it.

Happy weekend!

Breastfeeding Woes

I have a confession: I have a love/hate realtionship with breastfeeding.  I don't hate it all the time.  Sometimes I even sort of enjoy it when we have a good session and it's all cozy bonding and snuggles and the pain seems more tolerable. It's during the night, that I start to lose it and bawl and feel like I just can't bring myself to do it one more time and I beg Ryan to go to the kitchen where we have random cans of formula that were mailed to us and fix her a bottle so I can just have a break.

At the class we took when I was pregnant the instructor gleefully listed the numerous benefits of breastfeeding.  One point she spent a great deal of time on was breastfeeding is FREE!  At almost two weeks in, I have to respectfully disagree.  Breastfeeding is only free if you feel that mom's time and sanity are worth nothing. Afterwards I expressed to the instructor that I thought I would be very overwhelmed by being the only person who can feed the baby and asked her what advice she had.  She brushed off my concerns and really had no advice.

Breastfeeding is exhausting.  She needs to eat about every three hours and it usually takes her 45 minutes to an hour to finish nursing.  She has had a few random longer stretches at night (hallelujah!) but I always have to be "on call" so to speak to be ready to feed her. The few times we have taken her out I have been so nervous that she will demand to eat and I will end up nursing her in a dirty bathroom or the freezing cold car.  I can pass her off to well meaning relatives or my husband to get a "break" but only for a little bit, because, ultimately, I am the only person who can feed her.  As Ryan says when he is trying to cheer me along, "No one else gets those moments with her." To which I reply,"She has about ten of those moments a day.  I'm happy to share some".  It has been extremely overwhelming.

The happy lactation consultants also seriously downplay the toll breastfeeding takes on your body.  My nipples are cracked and bloody.  The other day I literally pulled a chunk of my flesh the diameter of a pencil eraser out of her mouth.  They hurt constantly and some feedings putting her on is excruciating.  The pain is far worse than any part of my surgery or recovery.  It hurts to wear a shirt or have anything touch them.  When I am struggling to get her on she punches and kicks them with surprising accuracy which literally brings tears to my  eyes.  They leave all those details out when they are telling you how magical and cozy breastfeeding is.

Use Lasinoh cream you say?  I do.  Religiously.  I also made my husband drive me to Babies R Us and we went up and down the feeding aisle tossing any other product that looked like it might make feeding her easier into our cart: creams, gel pads, heat packs, cold packs.  They have been okay for helping me cope but haven't done much to help me heal.

See a lactation consultant you say?  I did.  I desperately wanted her to say it was my positioning or her lips or something that could be fixed.  But what she said was her latch is fine.  I am not doing anything obviously wrong.  Apparently nipples that look like hamburger meat are considered "normal wear and tear" as we figure out nursing.  Keep on keeping on and it should get better.

So I am trying to hang in there but it is really hard.  l want to quit everyday but I am just taking it one feeding at a time.  Anyone have any advice or words of wisdom to offer me?

New normal

So we have been home from the hospital for almost a week now.  It has been a rollercoaster of emotions for all of us but we have survived.

So nursing has basically been my life since we got home.  If you've seen me in person or sent me a text you can attest that it's pretty much all I think about or talk about.   I bottle fed Isaac and I knew this would be more of a challenge but, man, I had no idea how hard it would be. We got off to a rough start in the hospital that caused some damage to my breasts and, without going into too much detail, have found feeding her at times to be pure agony since we returned home.  Combine that with fluctuating hormone levels and complete exhaustion, it has resulted in a lot of tears shed trying to get the hang of being my baby's only source of food. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying it.  But it is a LOT of work.  I really had no idea. Everyone assures me that it gets better so I am focusing on that.

Thankfully, Ryan arranged to take almost two weeks off from work and so far our new normal has pretty much consisted of him waiting on me hand and foot.  Between recovering from the surgery and having an infant stuck to me every time she is awake it has been all I can do to take a shower and brush my teeth each day. He has done a great job keeping on top of the housework, shuttling Isaac around, cooking, taking care of Hannah, making sure I am drinking enough water, and being my breastfeeding cheerleader.  The other night I was so frustrated because I was STARVING and she had been nursing for an eternity with no signs of stopping and Ryan literally spoonfed me soup for dinner.  He goes back to work next Tuesday and I can't even wrap my head around that yet.  We have made a pretty good team and I have a whole new appreciation for him as a dad and as a husband.

Isaac has done a great job adjusting to being a big brother.  He was a bit leery of her in the hospital: calling her "it" and refusing to pose for pictures with her.  He has come around a bit more and wants to hold her all the time, help with changing and bathing her and helping to keep her happy in the car. He even tried to give her a horsey ride on his knee which I thought was rather dear (after I got over my initial terror as I saw her head flopping everywhere as he jostled her up and down).   He has also been a huge help to me as he responds to my endless pleas of "Isaac run upstairs and bring me..." I don't think it has been easy for him since we brought her home, but he has been doing really well.

Miss Hannah Marie has been the light of my life since she came home.  I really do adore her and that is what is getting me through these sleepless nights and excruciating feedings.  She is an easy baby in the sense that, so far at least, at has been pretty simple to read her cues and keep her happy.  She generally only cries when she is wet or hungry, so it been pretty simple to trouble shoot and fix.  

The only thing is she is a cuddlebug and hasn't wanted to be put down.  Ever.  She isn't interested in the swing, bouncy chair, crib, newborn sleep nest thing or her bassinette which translates to her sleeping on me. I am torn between wanting to savor each moment before I return to work by holding her and also wanting to at least attempt for good sleeping habits.  

I did lay her in her bassinette today when she was sleepy and to my delight and surprise she did settle herself down and sleep for about two hours, so that is progress I guess.  

We gave the Moby wrap a whirl 

yesterday and she actually slept in there while I did some laundry and the dishes so that could end up being a good strategy for the future.

So that is the update around here.  All of our schedules and routines have been thrown out the window and we are adjusting to working around the whims of a tiny and adorable tyrant.  

Best Christmas Present Ever: Hannah's Birth Story

Christmas Eve I went to the hospital forreadmission  testing.  

They did some bloodwork (as you can see it took SEVERAL tries) and I finished up some paperwork.  

Christmas Day we came home from my mom's and I had to follow a whole series of instructions to shower and prep myself for surgery.  I thought I would be too worked up to sleep much but exhaustion overtook anxiety and I did get a fair amount of rest.  Ryan on the other hand was so worried he was up two hours before our 4 am alarm.

We got to Phoenixville Hospital and they got me changed and all prepped.  I felt pretty calm when I was in the maternity ward.  They got me hooked to the iv, and walked us through what would be happening. They wanted to insert the catheter for surgery right away but I pushed back and said I wanted to wait until after my spinal.  They eventually agreed. They were also surprised to see that I was having contractions, which of course, I already knew about.  C-section scheduled or not, I don't think it would have been too long until Hannah made her appearance. 

Before I knew it I was being whisked off to the OR.  I said good-bye to Ryan who went to get changed and ready.  

My anxiety level began to rise quite a bit when I got into the OR.  I was heavily sedated last time when I had Isaac and it was all sort of a blur.  This time everything seemed hyper focused and overwhelming.  I was shaking so badly that different people kept trying to give me blankets thinking I was cold.  There were so many people and everyone was talking and just confusion and commotion. It was quite scary and I really started to freak out and of course I felt all alone because Ryan was not permitted in yet.  Thankfully one of the nurses was so sweet and respectful and coached me to take deep breaths and really helped me through the worst of it until Ryan got here.  They did leave my arms loose (last time they tied them down) which helped a lot too.  I was also surprised at how much I could feel.  I was not in pain, but I could clearly feel them tugging and prodding which was unsettling at best and nauseating at worst.  Finally Ryan came in and they were ready to deliver.

If you are interested (and I don't know why you would be!), Ryan took some really clear but graphic pictures of the doctors  delivering her.  He was so interested that he kept standing up to look over the screen and they kept telling him "Sit down dad!  Sit down! You can't watch the surgery!"  Soon I felt an insane amount of pressure and then even more commotion and them saying "She's here!  She's beautiful!  She has tons of black curly hair!"  They flashed her over the drape quickly and then whisked her off.  I could hear her crying and Ryan went to take some pictures and cut her cord.  I couldn't stop crying.  The sweet nurse narrated what was happening to me.  ("Aww, your husband is holding her hand.  Your husband is cutting the cord.)

Ryan came back to be with me and I asked him to see pictures and he kept showing me the icky surgery pictures.  I just remember being like "What does she LOOK like?" 

Soon they brought her over to me.  I don't know if every mom feels this way but for me it was a rush of emotions: relief that she is here, panic because nothing about my life will ever be the same again, feeling anxious because I am seperated from the baby immediately.  I remember that I sort of expected her to look like Isaac did as a newborn and she really didn't at all.

Soon Hannah and Ryan were whisked off by the labor and delivery nurse and I was left to get stitched up and then carted to recovery.  Dr. Cantarella did call down to the nursery and told me the baby weighed 8 pounds and 7 ounces-- a big girl for barely 39 weeks! They told me I couldn't go back to maternity until I could move my legs which felt like heavy sandbags. I was bored to tears in recovery and desperate to see Hannah and try breastfeeding.  Finally the nurse decided I was in good enough shape to go back to maternity. She informed me they were just waiting for a transporter for me.  And I was again left to wait... And wait... Soon I heard the nurse on the phone asking why I had been skipped.  She came and told me it should only be a little longer.  More time passed and I heard her call and again ask why I had been skipped.  At this point I was near tears. Finally a young kid came and carted me back to maternity.

Finally I got to really meet my baby girl.  Ryan told me she was so good when they were getting her cleaned up.  She didn't cry for her bath or her shots.  I was  able to try to breastfeeding her for a few minutes but I had missed that period when she was really awake.  She spent the rest of the day beig deeply, deeply asleep.

I did feed her once for about ten minutes.  I was starving and was only given ice chips. I begged the nurse to let me try crackers and she relented.  Ryan went down to the cafeteria and ordered lunch.     Then we decided to turn the lights out and rest.

Next thing I knew there was a knock at the door and it was my brother Joe coming to visit.  He said, "I have someone else with me to visit and then in walked my sister Jennifer!  She had secretly made plans to fly in.  Joe was in on it but no one else was.  I cried.  It was the only thing that could have made a totally sweet and perfect day any sweeter.  

My parents and Isaac showed up later.  My mom was so shocked she didn't know where to run to first-- Jen or Hannah.

She didn't even get her coat off before she got ahold of Hannah.

 

Lots of people have wondered about how Isaac will do giving up almost nine years of being an only child for a new role as big brother.  He has done great but at their initial meeting he was not too sure.  He would only refer to Hannah as an "it" or a "creature".  He did reluctantly hold her but he refused to smile.

My brother Tom also came straight from work that night to meet the baby. 

Thank you to everyone who texted me, left me messages, sent gifts and well wishes.  I have been truly touched by the generosity of family and friends!

Updates

So I have fallen off the wagon a bit with my pregnancy updates.  I did have Isaac snap the picture above to at least document the bump for posterity.  Fruit and veggie scale says baby is the size of a leek.  

I am feeling ready to be done with being pregnant.  I am to the point where everyone has something to say about it: I'm waddling.  I'm huge.  When am I due?  When am I due?  I look uncomfortable.  When am I due? Did I know I am waddling?  When am I due?  Am I sure I am not overdue?  Do I know I look ready to pop? I did carline duty up until the bitter end at school and some days it felt like every car would stop and comment on my pregnancy.

Also the other standard question: how are you feeling?  I never know how to answer that either.  What do people want to hear?  That I say a quick prayer every time I sneeze that I don't visibly pee my pants?  

I honestly feel a lot better compared to last time around.  I am not as swollen and uncomfortable.  I credit that to gaining less weight and seeing a chiropractor.  I think getting a few adjustments really helped me carry the extra weight better and decreased a lot of my lower back pain.  I can't recommend it enough.  Also I think just the fact that I am carrying this baby lower.  

My feet are a little swollen but they don't look like I should be driving Fred Flintstone's car around either (see last pregnancy).  I do feel soreish and tired and uncomfortable.  I'm not sleeping well at night but I'm falling asleep all day.  A few times a day she sits right on my sciatic nerve and a blindingly hot pain shoots down my leg.  Everything I eat gives me heartburn and I suffer from a terrible combination of flatulance and constipation.  When you have a nearly eight pound human you are sharing your body with, those things are to be expected. 

 I *am* having some random pelvic pressure and also sporadic contractions but no real signs of labor.  The nice thing about a scheduled c-section is the end is neat and tidy and approaching rapidly.  I don't have to sit around in misery wondering what needs to be done to evict baby (see first pregnancy).  So I guess physically I am doing all right.

Honestly the mental and emotional part is the hardest part for me right now.  I'm officially on maternity leave for now until the next twelve weeks with literally no acknowledgement from my job.  I know it's my second baby so I wasn't expecting a cake or a shower or anything but I thought they might have routed a card for me or said SOMETHING at the faculty breakfast we had on the morning of my last day.  I was surprised at how hurt I was by that.  I am nervous to be out of the classroom for so long with the expectation of returning and finishing out the year.  Part of me is nervous my sub will be a disaster and I will have a big mess to deal with upon my return.  But another part of me is worried she will do a great job and be so much more organized and on top of things that I will look bad when I return.  These are the crazy thoughts that keep me up at night.  Also it still hasn't sunk in really that I won't be heading back after break.  So lots of emotions about work floating around.

Anyways, now I am home and bored to tears but doing anything is exhausting.  Just carrying the groceries in from the car and putting them away after work on my last day took every ounce of strength I could muster.  Living in a terribly overcrowded three story townhouse and fighting against the entropy or our daily lives has left me in tears more than once this week.  I get a little spurt of energy and I manage to vacuum something or tackle the dishes and then I just collapse.

I feel like I need a lot of attention from Ryan right now, which is rather poor timing when your husband works retail in the holiday season.  I feel bad for him because he is spread so thin.  I think he worked 28 hours between Friday and Saturday and he headed back in today due to holiday sales and a fire in his building.  I know he is exhausted too and the last thing on his mind when he finally walks in the door is unloading the dishwasher or having another conversation about how you really can love your second child as much as you love your first.  But it doesn't exactly make you feel confident about navigating a major life change like a new baby when you see your spouse for about 20 waking minutes a day and your conversations mostly consist of which leftovers he is and isn't allowed to eat and how many clean work shirts are in the closet ready to wear.  He does his best though.  At work the other day he set the DVR to tape only the C-section episodes.  He keeps gas in my car.  He assembles things.  

Isaac is hanging in there.  That is another frequently asked question. I think he has mixed feelings about his new sister which is normal for a kid who has had me to himself for nine years.  He is doing a good job of keeping himself fed and busy since I am slacking in those departments.    He finally has made neighborhood friends and will often just roam the development until he finds someone to play with for an hour or two.  He is basically spending all next week with my parents, and I know he is excited about that.

Anyways, the car seat is installed.  The freezer is filled with ready to eat meals.  I have two packages of couch cushion sized maxi pads on deck for my return. All I need is a baby!