Life Goes On

a So random life updates.  My wedding rings fit again!  It has been a long time since I have been able to wear them.

Although I keep forgetting to put them on, since I am never really "getting dressed" these days.  I just change out spit up soaked sweatpants for clean pajama bottoms.  

In other news, we had a few friends come and visit which has helped pass the time.  My friends Becca and Steve stopped by Sunday with their adorable baby.  He wasn't too interested in Hannah-- more interested in the cat.  

My friend Kim also came over this week with her little boy Quentin.  It was a warmer day so we put the babies in their strollers and did a few laps around the neighborhood.  It was fun to actually get out of the house and get some fresh air and get moving.  

Isaac continued to impress me every day.  He has been so responsible to pack up his bookbag, get himself dressed and out the door in the morning with minimal assistance from me and Ryan.  He still wants to hold Hannah whenever he can and helps out when she getting bathed or changed. He will often try to comfort her when she is crying.

Hannah continues to be my sweetie pie.  She really is an easy baby as long as she is clean and fed. She is having longer periods of being awake and alert which is really fun.

 My feeding woes continue.  While we were endlessly waiting for insurance to approve my breastpump, I finally decided I needed a break from the agony of feeding her.  My one nipple was so cracked and bloody I could barely expose it to air, let alone have her feed off of it.  After 48 hours of tearful, toe curling, miserable feedings, I finally decided I had enough of powering through. I made Hannah a bottle of formula and decided that breastfeeding is just not working for me.  Then my breastpump finally arrived the next afternoon. I have spent quite a bit of time pumping since it arrived. I have yielded some milk but not enough to pump exclusively. So that's where I'm at: sort of a weird combination of formula feeding and bottle feeding expressed milk.  I figure she will still benefit from the pumped milk, however much I am able to give her.  The truth is, as much as I hoped I would be, I am not one of those moms that is amazing at breastfeeding.  I am tired of having throbbing, burning, bloody nipples and dealing with the stress of trying hopelessly to get her to latch properly.    A big part of me is disappointed I wasn't more successful, but mostly I am just relieved.  The pain associated with breastfeeding was making me dread feeding her and making me feel so hopeless and depressed.  

So that is the update.  Sleepless nights. Pumping. Cuddling with my baby.

Keeping on

Post partum life is trudging on.  The days (and nights!) are long but the weeks have gone fast.  Hannah is two weeks old as of yesterday.  She is doing well and seems to be growing bigger.  Some of her tiniest newborn outfits are getting to be a little too small, so I feel like that is some validation for all of the work I am doing to feed her.  She is still a cuddlebug and prefers to be in your arms over anywhere else but she has taken some naps in her bassinette and bouncy chair so that is a step in the right direction I suppose.  She still sleeps in my arms at night, although, we spend most of the night on the couch so we don't disturb daddy now that he is back to work.

So one thing of note: Wednesday I woke up and discovered I was bleeding very heavily.  I was terrified that I was going to die and ended up calling 911.  Hannah had her first ambulance ride in her car seat and actually did great sitting in the ER all day. My mom met us in the hospital and Ryan and my sister in law Kelly Ann arrived soon after.  My brothers were both on standby ready to come in to get Isaac and my sister was talking to me on the phone from Alaska.  I was very freaked out but it turns out horrifyingly, that much bleeding is still within the realm of "normal".  Yikes.

That is something I have been so grateful for: so many people have done so much to help me since I got home.  My in-laws have cooked me dinner and cleaned the kitchen.  My parents have driven in countless times.  My brother took down my Christmas tree and vacuumed hundreds of needles.  My sister in law kept a vigil at the hospital and made sure Ryan had lunch.  So many people have taken Isaac for play dates and sleepovers.  My sister has made herself available to talk me through breastfeeding and recovery woes.  It really has meant a lot to me and made the transition home so much easier.

So I know my last blog post was about the struggle to breastfeeding but one thing I have to say I love about breastfeeding is the pregnancy weight has fallen off.  Two weeks post-partum and I am already down to my prepregnancy weight.  I was shocked.  I can put on and button up a regular pair of jeans.  That literally never happened after I had Isaac.  I had to buy all new jeans.  So that is exciting.  Now, granted, I have lost the pounds but my body is a whole different shape now.  We will get there though.

Ryan and I have been passing time together watching a Scandal.  We are still  getting caught up on the back seasons with Netflix but we are really loving it.  I like a show with a smart, strong female lead and the writing and plot twists are so good.

I have also been reading again. A month or two ago Isaac passed the comment that I *used* to always read books but I don't anymore.  And he is right, I haven't picked up a book since my cruise.  So I made myself read Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, a book I had started over the summer and then lost interest in.  It does start off really slow, then the middle gets really good but I hated the ending.  Also, it is just a very dark book.  I am not sure I recommend it.

Happy weekend!

New normal

So we have been home from the hospital for almost a week now.  It has been a rollercoaster of emotions for all of us but we have survived.

So nursing has basically been my life since we got home.  If you've seen me in person or sent me a text you can attest that it's pretty much all I think about or talk about.   I bottle fed Isaac and I knew this would be more of a challenge but, man, I had no idea how hard it would be. We got off to a rough start in the hospital that caused some damage to my breasts and, without going into too much detail, have found feeding her at times to be pure agony since we returned home.  Combine that with fluctuating hormone levels and complete exhaustion, it has resulted in a lot of tears shed trying to get the hang of being my baby's only source of food. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying it.  But it is a LOT of work.  I really had no idea. Everyone assures me that it gets better so I am focusing on that.

Thankfully, Ryan arranged to take almost two weeks off from work and so far our new normal has pretty much consisted of him waiting on me hand and foot.  Between recovering from the surgery and having an infant stuck to me every time she is awake it has been all I can do to take a shower and brush my teeth each day. He has done a great job keeping on top of the housework, shuttling Isaac around, cooking, taking care of Hannah, making sure I am drinking enough water, and being my breastfeeding cheerleader.  The other night I was so frustrated because I was STARVING and she had been nursing for an eternity with no signs of stopping and Ryan literally spoonfed me soup for dinner.  He goes back to work next Tuesday and I can't even wrap my head around that yet.  We have made a pretty good team and I have a whole new appreciation for him as a dad and as a husband.

Isaac has done a great job adjusting to being a big brother.  He was a bit leery of her in the hospital: calling her "it" and refusing to pose for pictures with her.  He has come around a bit more and wants to hold her all the time, help with changing and bathing her and helping to keep her happy in the car. He even tried to give her a horsey ride on his knee which I thought was rather dear (after I got over my initial terror as I saw her head flopping everywhere as he jostled her up and down).   He has also been a huge help to me as he responds to my endless pleas of "Isaac run upstairs and bring me..." I don't think it has been easy for him since we brought her home, but he has been doing really well.

Miss Hannah Marie has been the light of my life since she came home.  I really do adore her and that is what is getting me through these sleepless nights and excruciating feedings.  She is an easy baby in the sense that, so far at least, at has been pretty simple to read her cues and keep her happy.  She generally only cries when she is wet or hungry, so it been pretty simple to trouble shoot and fix.  

The only thing is she is a cuddlebug and hasn't wanted to be put down.  Ever.  She isn't interested in the swing, bouncy chair, crib, newborn sleep nest thing or her bassinette which translates to her sleeping on me. I am torn between wanting to savor each moment before I return to work by holding her and also wanting to at least attempt for good sleeping habits.  

I did lay her in her bassinette today when she was sleepy and to my delight and surprise she did settle herself down and sleep for about two hours, so that is progress I guess.  

We gave the Moby wrap a whirl 

yesterday and she actually slept in there while I did some laundry and the dishes so that could end up being a good strategy for the future.

So that is the update around here.  All of our schedules and routines have been thrown out the window and we are adjusting to working around the whims of a tiny and adorable tyrant.