This is pretty all over the place, but here goes....

Last week my brother Tom offered to take Isaac to the car show with him. I had been couped up in the house due to snow for almost 24 hours so I jumped at the chance for Isaac to do something fun. I took advantage of his four hour absence by meeting up with my friend for dinner. We ended up gossiping getting caught up about mutual friends. One of our friends is embarking on a relationship that feels very deja vu. Lots of the same elements of her previous one. Of course, it's always easy to look at someone else and say, "Well gosh, here's the problem. Why can't they see it?" My friend made that very observation and we laughed about how her pattern until she met her current husband was dating guys that later came out of the closet. Then of course the conversation turned to me. I shared with her how I have been talking a lot to old college boyfriend and how I think I am just swept up in the nostalgia of old times. My friend pointed out that she has a hard time keeping him straight because like PDH and summer dating guy, he is also in a weird transition point in his life, and not looking for a relationship. She gets them all mixed up. Clearly this is my pattern. I find guys who for various reasons are unable or unwilling to be in a relationship. And then I can't let them go. Why am I so stuck on picking at the past and rehashing it? Why do I stay in touch with people who clearly need to go? Why do I keep revisiting these relationships just to reaffirm that it is still a square peg I'm trying to jam in a round hole?

It's taken me about 37 days, but I finally decided what I want my word of the year to be for 2011:

forward

For the longest time time I had a goal I was working toward, moving my life towards. After I had Isaac, it was finishing school. I had to push on until I got that master's degree, that teaching credential, to move past the stopping point in my career where I found myself hopelessly stuck. Then it was kindergarten. Keep on saving money and living with my parents till Isaac got to kindergarten. Even once I ended up getting my own place, kindergarten still seemed to be the big milestone I was working towards. Keep shuttling him back and forth from my parents to the daycare center till he got to kindergarten. Now I feel a bit aimless. I know what I want next in my life, but it feels out of my control.

I need to really look at my life and re-examine my goals. I need stop sitting at home in a pile of self pity googling my exs, and reading e-mails that are years old. I need something to work towards. I need something to keep pushing on for. I just feel like right now I am stuck in the past. Stuck in the same ruts. Ignoring the same issues.

In really thinking about this I have concluded that maybe I can't go forward on my own. I've been seriously considering going back to a therapist again. I saw a therapist the whole time I was pregnant. For those of you who have no experience to draw on of therapy, let me tell you, it's not what you might picture from what you've gleaned from TV. You're not lying an a couch staring into a swirling black and white circle while an old white man chewing on a pipe says "Tell me about your feelings".

**

My experience was this: she was a hippy dippy kind of lady who I called by her first name. Her office was in the back of a yoga studio in a big barn. The doorway across from her was a room where people got massages. She would put on a white noise machine while we talked. She had crystals hanging from the ceiling. We would sit in arm chairs across from one another and we would talk about stress and drama of my pregnancy. At the time, it seemed everyone in my life had a personal stake in what was happening, and she was this totally objective person who would say "I don't think you are a bad person."

Anyways, I've recognized a few mild signs of depression and especially anxiety over the past year or so and thought that maybe it might be time to go back. I've been resistant though. Not because of a perceived stigma. I could care less about that. I subscribe to the theory that everyone in the whole world can benefit from therapy. I've been hesitant mostly because really committing yourself to therapy means forcing yourself to do real work. To dig up things that you've buried. To process and work through things you would rather avoid. To confront things that are scary. To ask yourself questions that are hard. To have someone challenge beliefs and ideas about yourself that you have always had. To commit to making changes. It's not generally a quick process or really an easy one.

Anyways, I still believe that I can have it all (my slogan from last year). But maybe it's time to accept the fact that I might not be on course to have it all if I stay stuck in the ruts I've been in.

It's scary.

But I feel like it's necessary.

I'm looking forward.

So there you go.

**I also feel like there is a big stigma within the LDS culture about going to therapy. There is a belief that it is something you should power through with prayer and scripture study or have a few discussions with the Bishop. The Bishop may be well meaning, but he is not equipped to help you deal with depression or anxiety. Also, some people believe that you should only see an LDS therapist or someone through LDSFS. Unless you live in the west, it will be nearly impossible to find an LDS therapist. As for LDSFS, I don't recommend them for anything, ever. However, I don't think LDS people should be afraid to talk to a non-LDS therapist. My experience was a very positive one. She was extremely respectful of my values and beliefs, even as they continuously played into our discussions. She never pushed me to question what I believed. Just sayin'