Thoughts on Post Partum Fashion

So my mom bought me these slippers for my hospital stay:

They have since become my main footwear of choice, much to everyone's horror.  They are warm and fur lined and easy to slip off and on, even if they are not particularly attractive.  The other day Isaac needed me to drop him at school (requiring me to get out of the car to sign him in).  I threw my long coat on over my pajamas and slipped those bad boys on. He stared at me for a minute and then said totally respectfully, "We have some time mom.  I will wait here while you go get dressed."  Ouch.  This is what I have become: the mom whose appearance embarrasses my eight year old.

But that's where I am at these days with wardrobe options.  I have lost all but five pounds of pregnancy weight and I am sure if the weather ever improves and I get cleared to excercise I can get rid of the rest of that weight. For now it is too cold to leave the house for non-essential errands, let alone go for any long power walks.  The good news is my pre-pregnancy jeans can zip up, even if they are little tighter around the middle than previously.  I haven't tried on any work pants, but I feel confident some of the roomier pairs will fit.  But it is just easier to stay in sweatpants, pajamas and big t shirts.  I rarely leave the house and I am vomited on daily.  When I do get a break from keeping a tiny human alive I am usually trying to either catch up on sleep or tackle some housework, so I don't exactly need to be breaking out skinny jeans and accessorizing.  

As for shirts, I ruined about five of my roomier solid color cotton long sleeved t-shirts during my "bloody nipples on fire" stage of nursing.  Little known fact: liberally applying Lasinoh multiple times daily when it hurts too much to wear a bra leaves greasy stains on your shirts that never wash out.  Awesome.

So anyways, the moral of this story is I have decided for my own self esteem and personal dignity I need to start showering, doing my hair, and attempting to get dressed once in a while.  There is not much money for new clothes but I am sure there must be some pieces in my closet that can still work for this rounder, softer body. So I might occasionally start doing outfit of the day posts again or maybe even joining a fashion related link up to hold myself accountable.  Not because I think my outfits are particularly inspirational or trendy but literally to force myself to get dressed, which will hopefully make me feel like a real person again.  

I will leave you with a picture of the angelic little face that makes this all worth it: 

Happy Thursday!

MOMA

So Ryan had put together a fun overnight trip for my birthday back in November.  Due to a bunch of crazy circumstances, we never ended up going.  Well Ryan realized his hotel points would be expiring soon and, even though I was quite reluctant, he was determined for us to get away for a night.  I was nervous to take such a big trip when even going to the grocery store feels overwhelming but Ryan insisted and ultimately it was nice to get out of the house and go somewhere I have always wanted to go.

Friday night Hannah and I dropped Isaac at his dad's house, picked Ryan up at work and then headed to the Big Apple.  Hannah was a great traveler: she slept the whole way.  

We just kept her with us in the big king sized bed all night and she did great. The next morning we put her in the Moby wrap for breakfast and checking out the hotel.  

Then we bundled her up and headed into Manhatten to go to the Museum of Modern Art. 

Hannah slept most of the day but she did wake up to pose in a few pictures.

Sleeping away.  See the floppy arm?2

The museum had a free audio tour on iPods which was really great.  You could even take pictures and email them to yourself.  

Hannah drank her bottle on a bench across from this Jackson Pollack painting.

Me and Frida, no big deal...

We finished the day up with a freezing cold walk through Times Square and dinner at Ruby Tuesdays before we headed back home.

Another check for my goal list

101 in 1001

So it's January and I am a little late in doing the whole goals thing but I was going through my 101 in 1001 and I realized there were quite a few things to catch up on.

Here is what I've done.

21.  Turn the front room into a nursery.

Checkety check.  This was a lot harder than I anticipated.  The front room was sort of a catch all space for everything we need to use on occasion but not everyday.  It has been hard to figure out what to do with everything that had to come out so that the baby stuff could go in.  There is still a random pile in the hallway of stuff that we have not yet found a home for.  But the office is basically a nursery.  We painted it pink and got a cute rug.  We still need to get the curtain and mini blinds up and finish up a few final touches.  It is just a storage room for baby stuff at this point anyways.  As long as Hannah is waking up multiple times a night she is going to sleep in our room. 

28. Organize and display Ryan's memorabilia.

Disclaimer: I use the term "memorabilia" very loosely.  This shelf came out of the front room and found a new home in our bedroom displaying Ryan's *coughcough* collectibles.  It was organized more nicely but at least his special souvenirs are on display where they can be enjoyed instead of in bins in the garage.-

48.  Give away at least 20 homemade blank cards as gifts. 

This one is partially complete.  I gave my Secret Santa at work three Christmas cards that I made.  They were variations of this card:

72. Attend 5 plays or musicals. 

We have two more additions to this one.  First, my parents invited us to join them for the Christmas Show at the American Music Theater in Lancaster.  We also took the kids to see the holiday panto at People's Light and Theater Company.  You can read about that here.

93.  Watch 5 football games with Ryan without complaining.  

One random game a few weeks ago with Ryan.  I forgot I record the date and details but it happened!  I also watched the NFC championship game with Ryan. I am not developing a love of the game, despite what Ryan had hoped.  But I think he appreciates me spending time with him and at least attempting to take an effort.  Plus Isaac is a huge football fan so it is good family time.

100.  Find a way to volunteer in Isaac's school/classroom.

The last day of school before Christmas break and my maternity leave I had a early dismissal but Isaac had a full day.  His teacher asked for a few parents to come in and help with their classroom party and I jumped at the chance. I took a half personal day once in kindergarten to be a mystery reader and that has been the only time I have been able to volunteer in Isaac's entire school career.  I ended up manning the craft table making penguin Christmas ornaments.  Isaac seemed really excited to have me there and it was  fun to see him interact in his classroom.

42. Take a cooking class with Ryan.

This is a partial complete.  I signed us up for a class at Sur La Table in February as a Christmas present. I thought it would make a fun date night and I was hoping by the end of February I would feel okay leaving Hannah with a sitter.

 33. Read 50 books. 

I blogged recently that Isaac had commented that I used to read books but now I don't.  This made me feel awful, even though it was true.  So I picked up Gone Girl (just okay) and finished it up and then moved on to Paper Towns (also just okay).  Now I am moving onto Brain on Fire.  

How are you doimg with your goals?

The Update on Hannah

Miss Hannah Marie is just starting to outgrow her tiny newborn sized clothes and fit into some of her 0-3 clothes and 3 month sleepers. My mother and aunt have spoiled her with an enormous amount of adorable clothes so we have lots of fun choices!  

This little sleeper is one of my favorites, from The Children's Place.

Hannah continues to be a good baby and an easy baby.  She rarely cries.  She is happy in the car and good to take out. She has smiled at her dad and brother, and also at the ceiling fan but so far no smiles for me yet but mostly her resting face is quite serious.  She and Isaac continue to have a special sibling relationship.  He rushes right to her when he gets home from school.  He does a great job comforting her when she is upset.

  I have to laugh because he sounds just like a mini-me.  She will turn towards him if she hears his voice and is happy in his arms.

Sleeping is not going great but better now that we can give her a bottle at night.  Usually she will eat and settle back to sleep but the other day she was wide awake and chilling from 3:00 to 4:30.

We are still working on sleeping in the bouncy chair, swing, pack and play or, really, anywhere but our arms.  Ryan isn't bothered by holding her all night, but it is getting old for me.  

One thing about her though is she makes a noise constantly.  She started it even in the hospital, one nurse commented "This is the baby who doesn't cry, she just moans to let you know she is unhappy."  And now she spends a good deal of the day making it.  I describe it as a grunt, Ryan describes it as a growl, my mother always swears she is creating a messy diaper.  She isn't constipated, but she makes these noises all day and night long like she is.  She will even stop eating  to make them and she does it in her sleep (until she is deeply asleep).  It is worse in the afternoons/evenings and she makes it more often since we started formula.  She doesn't cry, so I don't think she is in pain, but she doesn't seem comfortable.  Anyone every heard of something like this?

Linking up to the Mama Baby Link Up on Katie's Blog

Life Goes On

a So random life updates.  My wedding rings fit again!  It has been a long time since I have been able to wear them.

Although I keep forgetting to put them on, since I am never really "getting dressed" these days.  I just change out spit up soaked sweatpants for clean pajama bottoms.  

In other news, we had a few friends come and visit which has helped pass the time.  My friends Becca and Steve stopped by Sunday with their adorable baby.  He wasn't too interested in Hannah-- more interested in the cat.  

My friend Kim also came over this week with her little boy Quentin.  It was a warmer day so we put the babies in their strollers and did a few laps around the neighborhood.  It was fun to actually get out of the house and get some fresh air and get moving.  

Isaac continued to impress me every day.  He has been so responsible to pack up his bookbag, get himself dressed and out the door in the morning with minimal assistance from me and Ryan.  He still wants to hold Hannah whenever he can and helps out when she getting bathed or changed. He will often try to comfort her when she is crying.

Hannah continues to be my sweetie pie.  She really is an easy baby as long as she is clean and fed. She is having longer periods of being awake and alert which is really fun.

 My feeding woes continue.  While we were endlessly waiting for insurance to approve my breastpump, I finally decided I needed a break from the agony of feeding her.  My one nipple was so cracked and bloody I could barely expose it to air, let alone have her feed off of it.  After 48 hours of tearful, toe curling, miserable feedings, I finally decided I had enough of powering through. I made Hannah a bottle of formula and decided that breastfeeding is just not working for me.  Then my breastpump finally arrived the next afternoon. I have spent quite a bit of time pumping since it arrived. I have yielded some milk but not enough to pump exclusively. So that's where I'm at: sort of a weird combination of formula feeding and bottle feeding expressed milk.  I figure she will still benefit from the pumped milk, however much I am able to give her.  The truth is, as much as I hoped I would be, I am not one of those moms that is amazing at breastfeeding.  I am tired of having throbbing, burning, bloody nipples and dealing with the stress of trying hopelessly to get her to latch properly.    A big part of me is disappointed I wasn't more successful, but mostly I am just relieved.  The pain associated with breastfeeding was making me dread feeding her and making me feel so hopeless and depressed.  

So that is the update.  Sleepless nights. Pumping. Cuddling with my baby.

Keeping on

Post partum life is trudging on.  The days (and nights!) are long but the weeks have gone fast.  Hannah is two weeks old as of yesterday.  She is doing well and seems to be growing bigger.  Some of her tiniest newborn outfits are getting to be a little too small, so I feel like that is some validation for all of the work I am doing to feed her.  She is still a cuddlebug and prefers to be in your arms over anywhere else but she has taken some naps in her bassinette and bouncy chair so that is a step in the right direction I suppose.  She still sleeps in my arms at night, although, we spend most of the night on the couch so we don't disturb daddy now that he is back to work.

So one thing of note: Wednesday I woke up and discovered I was bleeding very heavily.  I was terrified that I was going to die and ended up calling 911.  Hannah had her first ambulance ride in her car seat and actually did great sitting in the ER all day. My mom met us in the hospital and Ryan and my sister in law Kelly Ann arrived soon after.  My brothers were both on standby ready to come in to get Isaac and my sister was talking to me on the phone from Alaska.  I was very freaked out but it turns out horrifyingly, that much bleeding is still within the realm of "normal".  Yikes.

That is something I have been so grateful for: so many people have done so much to help me since I got home.  My in-laws have cooked me dinner and cleaned the kitchen.  My parents have driven in countless times.  My brother took down my Christmas tree and vacuumed hundreds of needles.  My sister in law kept a vigil at the hospital and made sure Ryan had lunch.  So many people have taken Isaac for play dates and sleepovers.  My sister has made herself available to talk me through breastfeeding and recovery woes.  It really has meant a lot to me and made the transition home so much easier.

So I know my last blog post was about the struggle to breastfeeding but one thing I have to say I love about breastfeeding is the pregnancy weight has fallen off.  Two weeks post-partum and I am already down to my prepregnancy weight.  I was shocked.  I can put on and button up a regular pair of jeans.  That literally never happened after I had Isaac.  I had to buy all new jeans.  So that is exciting.  Now, granted, I have lost the pounds but my body is a whole different shape now.  We will get there though.

Ryan and I have been passing time together watching a Scandal.  We are still  getting caught up on the back seasons with Netflix but we are really loving it.  I like a show with a smart, strong female lead and the writing and plot twists are so good.

I have also been reading again. A month or two ago Isaac passed the comment that I *used* to always read books but I don't anymore.  And he is right, I haven't picked up a book since my cruise.  So I made myself read Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, a book I had started over the summer and then lost interest in.  It does start off really slow, then the middle gets really good but I hated the ending.  Also, it is just a very dark book.  I am not sure I recommend it.

Happy weekend!

Breastfeeding Woes

I have a confession: I have a love/hate realtionship with breastfeeding.  I don't hate it all the time.  Sometimes I even sort of enjoy it when we have a good session and it's all cozy bonding and snuggles and the pain seems more tolerable. It's during the night, that I start to lose it and bawl and feel like I just can't bring myself to do it one more time and I beg Ryan to go to the kitchen where we have random cans of formula that were mailed to us and fix her a bottle so I can just have a break.

At the class we took when I was pregnant the instructor gleefully listed the numerous benefits of breastfeeding.  One point she spent a great deal of time on was breastfeeding is FREE!  At almost two weeks in, I have to respectfully disagree.  Breastfeeding is only free if you feel that mom's time and sanity are worth nothing. Afterwards I expressed to the instructor that I thought I would be very overwhelmed by being the only person who can feed the baby and asked her what advice she had.  She brushed off my concerns and really had no advice.

Breastfeeding is exhausting.  She needs to eat about every three hours and it usually takes her 45 minutes to an hour to finish nursing.  She has had a few random longer stretches at night (hallelujah!) but I always have to be "on call" so to speak to be ready to feed her. The few times we have taken her out I have been so nervous that she will demand to eat and I will end up nursing her in a dirty bathroom or the freezing cold car.  I can pass her off to well meaning relatives or my husband to get a "break" but only for a little bit, because, ultimately, I am the only person who can feed her.  As Ryan says when he is trying to cheer me along, "No one else gets those moments with her." To which I reply,"She has about ten of those moments a day.  I'm happy to share some".  It has been extremely overwhelming.

The happy lactation consultants also seriously downplay the toll breastfeeding takes on your body.  My nipples are cracked and bloody.  The other day I literally pulled a chunk of my flesh the diameter of a pencil eraser out of her mouth.  They hurt constantly and some feedings putting her on is excruciating.  The pain is far worse than any part of my surgery or recovery.  It hurts to wear a shirt or have anything touch them.  When I am struggling to get her on she punches and kicks them with surprising accuracy which literally brings tears to my  eyes.  They leave all those details out when they are telling you how magical and cozy breastfeeding is.

Use Lasinoh cream you say?  I do.  Religiously.  I also made my husband drive me to Babies R Us and we went up and down the feeding aisle tossing any other product that looked like it might make feeding her easier into our cart: creams, gel pads, heat packs, cold packs.  They have been okay for helping me cope but haven't done much to help me heal.

See a lactation consultant you say?  I did.  I desperately wanted her to say it was my positioning or her lips or something that could be fixed.  But what she said was her latch is fine.  I am not doing anything obviously wrong.  Apparently nipples that look like hamburger meat are considered "normal wear and tear" as we figure out nursing.  Keep on keeping on and it should get better.

So I am trying to hang in there but it is really hard.  l want to quit everyday but I am just taking it one feeding at a time.  Anyone have any advice or words of wisdom to offer me?