New normal

So we have been home from the hospital for almost a week now.  It has been a rollercoaster of emotions for all of us but we have survived.

So nursing has basically been my life since we got home.  If you've seen me in person or sent me a text you can attest that it's pretty much all I think about or talk about.   I bottle fed Isaac and I knew this would be more of a challenge but, man, I had no idea how hard it would be. We got off to a rough start in the hospital that caused some damage to my breasts and, without going into too much detail, have found feeding her at times to be pure agony since we returned home.  Combine that with fluctuating hormone levels and complete exhaustion, it has resulted in a lot of tears shed trying to get the hang of being my baby's only source of food. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying it.  But it is a LOT of work.  I really had no idea. Everyone assures me that it gets better so I am focusing on that.

Thankfully, Ryan arranged to take almost two weeks off from work and so far our new normal has pretty much consisted of him waiting on me hand and foot.  Between recovering from the surgery and having an infant stuck to me every time she is awake it has been all I can do to take a shower and brush my teeth each day. He has done a great job keeping on top of the housework, shuttling Isaac around, cooking, taking care of Hannah, making sure I am drinking enough water, and being my breastfeeding cheerleader.  The other night I was so frustrated because I was STARVING and she had been nursing for an eternity with no signs of stopping and Ryan literally spoonfed me soup for dinner.  He goes back to work next Tuesday and I can't even wrap my head around that yet.  We have made a pretty good team and I have a whole new appreciation for him as a dad and as a husband.

Isaac has done a great job adjusting to being a big brother.  He was a bit leery of her in the hospital: calling her "it" and refusing to pose for pictures with her.  He has come around a bit more and wants to hold her all the time, help with changing and bathing her and helping to keep her happy in the car. He even tried to give her a horsey ride on his knee which I thought was rather dear (after I got over my initial terror as I saw her head flopping everywhere as he jostled her up and down).   He has also been a huge help to me as he responds to my endless pleas of "Isaac run upstairs and bring me..." I don't think it has been easy for him since we brought her home, but he has been doing really well.

Miss Hannah Marie has been the light of my life since she came home.  I really do adore her and that is what is getting me through these sleepless nights and excruciating feedings.  She is an easy baby in the sense that, so far at least, at has been pretty simple to read her cues and keep her happy.  She generally only cries when she is wet or hungry, so it been pretty simple to trouble shoot and fix.  

The only thing is she is a cuddlebug and hasn't wanted to be put down.  Ever.  She isn't interested in the swing, bouncy chair, crib, newborn sleep nest thing or her bassinette which translates to her sleeping on me. I am torn between wanting to savor each moment before I return to work by holding her and also wanting to at least attempt for good sleeping habits.  

I did lay her in her bassinette today when she was sleepy and to my delight and surprise she did settle herself down and sleep for about two hours, so that is progress I guess.  

We gave the Moby wrap a whirl 

yesterday and she actually slept in there while I did some laundry and the dishes so that could end up being a good strategy for the future.

So that is the update around here.  All of our schedules and routines have been thrown out the window and we are adjusting to working around the whims of a tiny and adorable tyrant.  

Best Christmas Present Ever: Hannah's Birth Story

Christmas Eve I went to the hospital forreadmission  testing.  

They did some bloodwork (as you can see it took SEVERAL tries) and I finished up some paperwork.  

Christmas Day we came home from my mom's and I had to follow a whole series of instructions to shower and prep myself for surgery.  I thought I would be too worked up to sleep much but exhaustion overtook anxiety and I did get a fair amount of rest.  Ryan on the other hand was so worried he was up two hours before our 4 am alarm.

We got to Phoenixville Hospital and they got me changed and all prepped.  I felt pretty calm when I was in the maternity ward.  They got me hooked to the iv, and walked us through what would be happening. They wanted to insert the catheter for surgery right away but I pushed back and said I wanted to wait until after my spinal.  They eventually agreed. They were also surprised to see that I was having contractions, which of course, I already knew about.  C-section scheduled or not, I don't think it would have been too long until Hannah made her appearance. 

Before I knew it I was being whisked off to the OR.  I said good-bye to Ryan who went to get changed and ready.  

My anxiety level began to rise quite a bit when I got into the OR.  I was heavily sedated last time when I had Isaac and it was all sort of a blur.  This time everything seemed hyper focused and overwhelming.  I was shaking so badly that different people kept trying to give me blankets thinking I was cold.  There were so many people and everyone was talking and just confusion and commotion. It was quite scary and I really started to freak out and of course I felt all alone because Ryan was not permitted in yet.  Thankfully one of the nurses was so sweet and respectful and coached me to take deep breaths and really helped me through the worst of it until Ryan got here.  They did leave my arms loose (last time they tied them down) which helped a lot too.  I was also surprised at how much I could feel.  I was not in pain, but I could clearly feel them tugging and prodding which was unsettling at best and nauseating at worst.  Finally Ryan came in and they were ready to deliver.

If you are interested (and I don't know why you would be!), Ryan took some really clear but graphic pictures of the doctors  delivering her.  He was so interested that he kept standing up to look over the screen and they kept telling him "Sit down dad!  Sit down! You can't watch the surgery!"  Soon I felt an insane amount of pressure and then even more commotion and them saying "She's here!  She's beautiful!  She has tons of black curly hair!"  They flashed her over the drape quickly and then whisked her off.  I could hear her crying and Ryan went to take some pictures and cut her cord.  I couldn't stop crying.  The sweet nurse narrated what was happening to me.  ("Aww, your husband is holding her hand.  Your husband is cutting the cord.)

Ryan came back to be with me and I asked him to see pictures and he kept showing me the icky surgery pictures.  I just remember being like "What does she LOOK like?" 

Soon they brought her over to me.  I don't know if every mom feels this way but for me it was a rush of emotions: relief that she is here, panic because nothing about my life will ever be the same again, feeling anxious because I am seperated from the baby immediately.  I remember that I sort of expected her to look like Isaac did as a newborn and she really didn't at all.

Soon Hannah and Ryan were whisked off by the labor and delivery nurse and I was left to get stitched up and then carted to recovery.  Dr. Cantarella did call down to the nursery and told me the baby weighed 8 pounds and 7 ounces-- a big girl for barely 39 weeks! They told me I couldn't go back to maternity until I could move my legs which felt like heavy sandbags. I was bored to tears in recovery and desperate to see Hannah and try breastfeeding.  Finally the nurse decided I was in good enough shape to go back to maternity. She informed me they were just waiting for a transporter for me.  And I was again left to wait... And wait... Soon I heard the nurse on the phone asking why I had been skipped.  She came and told me it should only be a little longer.  More time passed and I heard her call and again ask why I had been skipped.  At this point I was near tears. Finally a young kid came and carted me back to maternity.

Finally I got to really meet my baby girl.  Ryan told me she was so good when they were getting her cleaned up.  She didn't cry for her bath or her shots.  I was  able to try to breastfeeding her for a few minutes but I had missed that period when she was really awake.  She spent the rest of the day beig deeply, deeply asleep.

I did feed her once for about ten minutes.  I was starving and was only given ice chips. I begged the nurse to let me try crackers and she relented.  Ryan went down to the cafeteria and ordered lunch.     Then we decided to turn the lights out and rest.

Next thing I knew there was a knock at the door and it was my brother Joe coming to visit.  He said, "I have someone else with me to visit and then in walked my sister Jennifer!  She had secretly made plans to fly in.  Joe was in on it but no one else was.  I cried.  It was the only thing that could have made a totally sweet and perfect day any sweeter.  

My parents and Isaac showed up later.  My mom was so shocked she didn't know where to run to first-- Jen or Hannah.

She didn't even get her coat off before she got ahold of Hannah.

 

Lots of people have wondered about how Isaac will do giving up almost nine years of being an only child for a new role as big brother.  He has done great but at their initial meeting he was not too sure.  He would only refer to Hannah as an "it" or a "creature".  He did reluctantly hold her but he refused to smile.

My brother Tom also came straight from work that night to meet the baby. 

Thank you to everyone who texted me, left me messages, sent gifts and well wishes.  I have been truly touched by the generosity of family and friends!

Updates

So I have fallen off the wagon a bit with my pregnancy updates.  I did have Isaac snap the picture above to at least document the bump for posterity.  Fruit and veggie scale says baby is the size of a leek.  

I am feeling ready to be done with being pregnant.  I am to the point where everyone has something to say about it: I'm waddling.  I'm huge.  When am I due?  When am I due?  I look uncomfortable.  When am I due? Did I know I am waddling?  When am I due?  Am I sure I am not overdue?  Do I know I look ready to pop? I did carline duty up until the bitter end at school and some days it felt like every car would stop and comment on my pregnancy.

Also the other standard question: how are you feeling?  I never know how to answer that either.  What do people want to hear?  That I say a quick prayer every time I sneeze that I don't visibly pee my pants?  

I honestly feel a lot better compared to last time around.  I am not as swollen and uncomfortable.  I credit that to gaining less weight and seeing a chiropractor.  I think getting a few adjustments really helped me carry the extra weight better and decreased a lot of my lower back pain.  I can't recommend it enough.  Also I think just the fact that I am carrying this baby lower.  

My feet are a little swollen but they don't look like I should be driving Fred Flintstone's car around either (see last pregnancy).  I do feel soreish and tired and uncomfortable.  I'm not sleeping well at night but I'm falling asleep all day.  A few times a day she sits right on my sciatic nerve and a blindingly hot pain shoots down my leg.  Everything I eat gives me heartburn and I suffer from a terrible combination of flatulance and constipation.  When you have a nearly eight pound human you are sharing your body with, those things are to be expected. 

 I *am* having some random pelvic pressure and also sporadic contractions but no real signs of labor.  The nice thing about a scheduled c-section is the end is neat and tidy and approaching rapidly.  I don't have to sit around in misery wondering what needs to be done to evict baby (see first pregnancy).  So I guess physically I am doing all right.

Honestly the mental and emotional part is the hardest part for me right now.  I'm officially on maternity leave for now until the next twelve weeks with literally no acknowledgement from my job.  I know it's my second baby so I wasn't expecting a cake or a shower or anything but I thought they might have routed a card for me or said SOMETHING at the faculty breakfast we had on the morning of my last day.  I was surprised at how hurt I was by that.  I am nervous to be out of the classroom for so long with the expectation of returning and finishing out the year.  Part of me is nervous my sub will be a disaster and I will have a big mess to deal with upon my return.  But another part of me is worried she will do a great job and be so much more organized and on top of things that I will look bad when I return.  These are the crazy thoughts that keep me up at night.  Also it still hasn't sunk in really that I won't be heading back after break.  So lots of emotions about work floating around.

Anyways, now I am home and bored to tears but doing anything is exhausting.  Just carrying the groceries in from the car and putting them away after work on my last day took every ounce of strength I could muster.  Living in a terribly overcrowded three story townhouse and fighting against the entropy or our daily lives has left me in tears more than once this week.  I get a little spurt of energy and I manage to vacuum something or tackle the dishes and then I just collapse.

I feel like I need a lot of attention from Ryan right now, which is rather poor timing when your husband works retail in the holiday season.  I feel bad for him because he is spread so thin.  I think he worked 28 hours between Friday and Saturday and he headed back in today due to holiday sales and a fire in his building.  I know he is exhausted too and the last thing on his mind when he finally walks in the door is unloading the dishwasher or having another conversation about how you really can love your second child as much as you love your first.  But it doesn't exactly make you feel confident about navigating a major life change like a new baby when you see your spouse for about 20 waking minutes a day and your conversations mostly consist of which leftovers he is and isn't allowed to eat and how many clean work shirts are in the closet ready to wear.  He does his best though.  At work the other day he set the DVR to tape only the C-section episodes.  He keeps gas in my car.  He assembles things.  

Isaac is hanging in there.  That is another frequently asked question. I think he has mixed feelings about his new sister which is normal for a kid who has had me to himself for nine years.  He is doing a good job of keeping himself fed and busy since I am slacking in those departments.    He finally has made neighborhood friends and will often just roam the development until he finds someone to play with for an hour or two.  He is basically spending all next week with my parents, and I know he is excited about that.

Anyways, the car seat is installed.  The freezer is filled with ready to eat meals.  I have two packages of couch cushion sized maxi pads on deck for my return. All I need is a baby!

Life Lately

 

So we had three snow storms in the past week so I guess winter is officially here.  I ended up with a two hour delay AND a snow day, so that was an exciting bonus.  It bought me a lot of much needed time to finally get the tree in order, some Christmas shopping done, the house cleaned up a bit, and of course, it finally afforded Ryan the time to assemble a million things for the baby which have taken over the house.  The pack and play is assembled.  The car seat is installed.  The fancy vibrating baby swing that a coworker gave us is set up even though we had to relocate the armchair in the living room to the garage.  We are just out of room with the Christmas tree and the swing and the bouncy chairs, etc. etc. etc!  It is a bit overwhelming.  Every time I think this townhouse can't feel smaller, we manage to squeeze more things into it. 

 

I debated even doing Christmas on any kind of large scale this year.  Getting the decorations out and up was exhausting. We didn't end up doing outdoor lights.  I was even willing to skip the tree but Ryan wasn't.  Isaac wasn't that interested in getting the tree this year, so Ryan and I ended up going during the day on the Monday after Thanksgiving.  We both had off from work but Isaac had school.  It doesn't look like Christmas cards are happening (perhaps a holiday themed birth announcement?).  Sadly, I am even debating taking the tree and everything down on Christmas evening since we leave for the hospital early in the morning the 26th.  I feel like if I don't take it all down that night that it will stay up till February.

 

The other night Ryan got to finish with work early (a rarity for a December Friday night when you work retail) and we were able to meet him at Red Robin and then we did a little grocery shopping.  (Sidenote: I remember when my siblings and I would tease my parents that their date night was always Panera and the grocery store, and now I have BECOME THEM). This was probably our last restaurant meal before baby.  It feels like everything is a milestone like that anymore.  The last date night before the baby comes.   The last day trip before the baby comes, and on and on.

 

We also managed to squeeze in a trip to the Christmas Panto, trying to keep the tradition alive.  The girls were so excited (Isaac, not so much, since he felt the show was "princess themed").  Gabby had told Ryan she had bought a new dress for the occasion.  She is ever the fashionista so we were tickled but not surprised when she showed up in this fully sequined animal print dress complimented with holographic bow.    A week out from her seventh birthday she looks so grown up all of a sudden.

The weather was not cooperative and it was looking sketchy if we would be able to make the show.  

We were able to exchange our tickets for the seven o'clock show for tickets to the two o'clock show and we had great seats in the center of the third row.  It made for a treacherous ride home but at least we still got to go. Gabby even got to go up on stage and be a part of the show, although she became a little shy once she got up on the stage.  It was a lot of fun.

So that's what's new around here...  

 

Bumpdate: 36 weeks

How far along: 36 weeks!  Nearly 37 since I am posting this late.  So close to the end!

How big is baby: Fruit and veggie scale says "head of romaine lettuce". 

Weight gain:  I gained a fair amount this past week... oops.  Oh well.

 Sleeping:  Still hit or miss.This morning I woke up at 4:30 and never went back to sleep.     I have been back to waking up in the night and not being able to fall back asleep. My backpain has been worst at night. I do feel fortunate that I have been able to get some rest.  


Food Cravings: Hot chocolate.  And cupcakes!  I even found the energy to whip up a batch midweek.  I've also been drinking lots of lemon tea.

Food Aversions: Anything from the deep fryer still.

Other symptoms: Just a general frustration with being pregnant.  I am ready for it to be over.  Also sciatica: my back pain has been intense and has starting shooting down my leg.  The chiropractor visits have been helping a LOT but part of it can't be fixed because she is just sitting right against that nerve.  It has made getting comfortable very hard. I have heartburn after nearly everything I eat.  I have a little bit of anxiety about my impending surgery (which Ryan makes worse.  He is nervous I could die on the operating table and he will be left a single dad).  The biggest symptom as of late has just been insane mood swings.  Like, really over the top.  It makes me feel like I honestly may be crazy.  Isaac and Ryan both approached me separately and basically said that I am being unbearable and I need to get it together. I really feel like my emotions are completely out of control.  I'm either crying or in a rage. I hope it gets better once the baby is out of me.

Miss Anything? Just being able to move around.  Getting up and down is such a production.

Doctor’s appointment: Weekly visits to the chiropractor and Ob/gyn now. I had the group B strep test last week and this week I found out I tested positive for it.  It isn't a huge deal because I am having a C-section but... still...  We also stopped by the maternity ward after our appointment.  I am delivering this baby in the same hospital where I had Isaac but it has been a while and they have renovated the whole women's suite.  We were impressed with what we saw.  Ryan and the baby are able to stay with me in the room the whole time, so I like that idea. 

Clothes: Beyond bored with my maternity clothes.   They all still fit so far though, which is much better than last time around when I had outgrown half my things by this point.   

Wedding Rings: Off. I was surprised when Isaac commented that other day about me not wearing them.  I didn't think that was something he took notice of.

Movement: Lots and lots and lots and it is visible to people standing across the room. Ryan used to feel sad because it seemed like he never felt her move, and now the movements are so strong he is creeped out by them. 


Best moment of the week: I really enjoyed the breastfeeding class Ryan and I attended at Reading Hospital. I am terribly nervous about breastfeeding but I feel a lot more confident now.  There is a follow up class that is geared toward breastfeeding moms who are returning to work that I think I will take. I also had a really nice baby shower thrown by some of my teacher friends.  It ended up being a random smattering of people who all know me, but didn't necessarily know each other, which could have been awkward, but was actually really fun.  I got some great things for baby, so was much appreciated.  The surprise snow day today was a fun bonus too. 

What I’m looking forward to: Being the only one who lives in my body again.

What I did / Got for baby:  I had my baby shower this weekend and my friends and family were so generous.  We got a lot of adorable clothes, diapers, wipes, towels and other necessities.  My sister also sent a pack and play in the mail, which also doubles as a changing table.  Ryan got it all assembled today.

 

Have a great week!

NEWSFLASH

 

Grumpy pregnant teacher observes second grade assembly....

 

(this picture was from today's local paper)

Bumpdate: 35 Weeks

How far along:35 weeks ladies and gents.  On Friday when I am 36 weeks they will send my chart over to the hospital!  Crazy!

How big is baby: Fruit and veggie scale says coconut.

Weight gain: I only gained a pound since my doctor's appointment last week, which made me feel pretty good, considering Thanksgiving, etc.  I have been having such bad heartburn and indigestion it has been curbing my desire to eat.  I also just have to eat smaller amounts-- there is not much room in there for food.

 Sleeping:  Still hit or miss.  I have been back to waking up in the night and not being able to fall back asleep.  My new thing is I am wide awake at night but then oversleeping in the am.  I am just accepting that a good night's rest is not in the cards anytime soon.

Food Cravings: Hot chocolate.

Food Aversions: Anything from the deep fryer still.

Other symptoms: Moodiness, tearfulness, crying.I have been feeling a tad on the blue side and I am already a bit concerned that I will be at risk for Post-Partum Depression.  I talked to my ob-gyn a little yesterday at my appointment about it.   Mostly I am just tired all the time, with occasional bursts of energy.  I was on the fence about even getting the Christmas decorations out and if we should even bother with a tree.  Even cooking dinner feels overwhelming some days. 

Miss Anything?Just being able to move around.  Getting up and down is such a production.

Doctor’s appointment:Every week now, which makes me laugh every time they ask if anything has changed with my insurance.  I had the group B strep test this past time, which I was panicked about but was really no big deal.  I am still on the lookout for my pertussis booster.  My ob/gyn recommends it but my doctor won't give it to me and neither will two CVS clinics I visited yesterday. The one pharmacist was like "Well, are you pregnant?"  I just wanted to shout "LOOK AT ME!"   I also saw the chiropractor a second time which has been helping with my lower back pain a lot.  I can see her again for "maintenance" if I feel like I need it. 

Wedding Rings: Off.  I am scared to put them on now.  

Clothes:Completely over maternity clothes.  And our (still broken) dryer. 

Movement: Lots and lots and lots. Some of them are really starting to be painful.

Best moment of the week: a nice, lowkey Thanksgiving with Ryan's parents and my parents. 

What I’m looking forward to:As weird as it sounds, our breastfeeding class tonight.  I am hoping it will make me feel more at ease about the whole thing. 

What I did / Got for baby:  I got a cute pink rug at Target for her room.  We also FINALLY were able to order the crib conversion kit that fixes the reason it was recalled, so hopefully her crib is squared away now.  My baby shower is this weekend, so hopefully the last few things on the list will be taken care of there.  

Have a great week!!!