Honestly

My heart is very full tonight.  I have spent most of these last few snow days the same way I have spent most of the days for the past seven weeks-- cuddled up looking at this sweet face.

There were a few years there where I didn't think it would have the chance to have another baby.  I really longed for an opportunity to savor all of those special moments of pregnancy and life with a newborn.  I am so grateful for this sweet girl.

And as weird as it sounds, I am grateful for the sleepless nights, and the sink full of bottles to wash and the laundry basket that seems to fill up faster than ever because I am so lucky to have a precious little babe who needs me to love her.

I am so lucky for each day that I get to spend at home with this sweet girl.  I am aware that the clock is ticking down I til it is time to return to work.  Two of my friends who had babies around the same time I did have already gone back.  I haven't even allowed myself to fully process the idea of that yet, although she will be in great hands with my mom or Ryan for the time being.

Being a mom is my favorite job in the whole entire world.   

Style Imitates Art

So remember when I was blogging about how hard it is to force myself to get out of pajamas when I am trapped in the house on maternity leave trying to keep a tiny human alive?  And how my new goal was to actually get dressed making the most of the pre-baby clothes that do fit?  The idea is that getting dressed can be the one area I regain control of my life when every other decision I make each day is based around the whims of a six week old.  I also stipulated that under no circumstances should these outfits feature my unattractive but oh so comfortable hot pink and leopard print slippers (blog post is here).

Well, after being snowed in the house for a week with the kids, I was more than ready to get dressed and get out of the house on Saturday for dinner with Ryan  followed by a bit of shopping at King of Prussia Mall.  I had a gift card to Old Navy burning a hole in my pocket and also some items to pick up for Isaac's birthday. Even though we brought along the baby, it is as close as Ryan and I are getting to a date night these days and I was not going to spend psuedo-date night in yoga pants.

 I figured while I was on a roll I could join Jen and the other girls for the Style Imitates Art link up.  The idea is you put together an outfit based on an art piece.  I always check it out but I have never participated. This time around the inspiration was this painting by John James Audubon.  

 I grew up a stone's throw away from the Audubon Society bird sanctuary, so I took that as as sign that I must participate this week.  

I chose my wide leg navy blue cords to go with the background of the painting.  The tree trunk is brown and grays so I thought of this big comfy cardigan.  It was a thrift store find ages ago.  I paired it with a gray tank and my owl necklace.  The Doc Marten Mary Janes are the oldest item in my closet: I actually bought them in middle school.  I wear them all the time and they are still in great shape.

(I am not a fashion blogger by any means, and I ended up busting out the self timer app on my iPhone to snap pictures in Hannah's room since that is the room with best light.  Later on I figured I should document my shoes, so I took a picture outside.)

I had wanted to add some white to the outfit since, duh, the owls are white but nothing in my closet seemed to work.  Then it occurred to me that my go to winter coat fit the bill perfectly. 

(One advantage of the poor quality iPhone shots is you can't see the dried spit up caked on the sleeve of my coat.  Just keeping it real...)

Bonus picture of Hannah Banana rocking her death stare and her owl bib:

If you are interested, hop on over to see the other owl inspired outfits.

Another week bites the dust

Well, we made it through another one.  This sweet little girl is officially 6 weeks old.  This Carter's outfit was one that my mom bought over the summer, shortly after we found out we were having a girl. This is a three month outfit and it fits her pretty well, even though some of her 0-3 outfits are still too big.   I don't understand sizing for baby clothes at all but I don't want her to outgrow any adorable outfits before she gets to wear them.

Miss Hannah is starting to crack an occasional smile, even though she is mostly quite serious.  Her nickname Hannah Banana has become shortened to "Little Banana" or "the Banana" as in "Do you need me to watch The Banana while Isaac is at soccer?".  Poor kid is going to grow up wondering why we named her after a fruit.  

Oh yeah and there's me: tired as ever rocking my glasses sweatshirt.  No one has given Hannah the memo that formula fed babies are supposed to sleep longer stretches.  She is still up every two hours like clock work and I am EXHAUSTED.  

Full disclosure: she only had this outfit on for about ten minutes.  Then she spit up all over herself and we had to change her shirt.  I did snap this picture first though:

Not gonna lie, I was a little nervous cause her head was a bit floppy but it was too cute not to document.  Isaac tries hard to interact with his sister, even though she still isn't much fun.  She does love him though.  I put her down on my bed and then Isaac lay down near her to talk to me.  She wriggled her way over next to him, put her chin on his shoulder and then closed her eyes.  It was so sweet.

Two friends recently sent me some articles on motherhood that  I really appreciated:

          New Moms Get Nothing Done (And Other Untruths)

and

    

          And Before I Forget

Have a happy Friday!

Linking up with Katie

          

Stir Crazy, Party of 3

We just got a call that school is cancelled again tomorrow because of lack of power in the schools.  Isaac has had only a half a day of school so far this week.  We are going CRAZY here at the house especially with several stints with no power.   The baby cocoon from Mom Mom Horne came in handy to keep Miss Hannah cozy with the heat off.

This is the first real dilemma I have had with the age gap between Isaac and Hannah.  My go to "get out of the house" activities of the movies or bowling simply won't work with a newborn.  My mom has plans tomorrow so we can't visit her. So I'm officially out of ideas.  We've baked cookies.

We've played board games.  We have read books. 

We've done the rainbow loom. We've all done a little bit of this:

We have watched more hours of TV than I care to admit.  My hat goes off to my home schooling friends because we are having  a bit of a rough time.

Conflicting feelings

I had some really weird and disturbing dreams the other night that I think highlight my ambivalence about returning to work.  On the one hand, I am so bored and lonely being home all day.  I think of the snow and extremely cold temperatures have made those feelings even worse.  It's hard not to feel resentful that Ryan gets to leave each day and carry on with everyday life while I am isolated at home trying to remember if I brushed my teeth that day or not.  My substitute called last week to ask me some questions and I couldn't believe how eager I was to jump into work mode for a few minutes.  Maybe it was just the chance to interact with a non-family member adult.  I'm surprised how much I miss my job.  

On the other hand, I look at Hannah and I can't imagine leaving her all day just yet.  I'm resentful that Ryan can go to work, but I am not really ready to return there.  She is just too little.  That was what happened in my dream.  I went to visit at school and all of a sudden I had all of this work to do and I was trying to explain to people that I was still on leave but no one was listening-- they just kept giving me more assignments.  It sounds silly to write it out but it was really upsetting.  I am also already starting to freak out about how I will do it all when I start back.  I am hardly staying on top of the bare minimum of what is required to keep this household running when I am home all day.  I am afraid to see what this house will look like once I throw 40 hours of work in the weekly mix.

 I wish there was some way to go back part time, to sort of have the best of both worlds-- something to alleviate the monotony and boredom of being at home without pulling me away for too long.  I did hear of a special Ed teacher in the district who was part time but from what I heard it ended up that she had a full caseload's worth of work and half the time to do it in.  No thanks. Oh well.  I am about halfway through my leave, so I am just going to try to make the most of it.  At least Miss Hannah will be in good hands with grandma when I have to return to work.  

Isaac had another snow day yesterday and it looks like another one tomorrow and maybe this weekend as well.  At this rate I will be in school until July.  I would much rather have my days off in the summer.  He did make it to soccer tonight which was good.  He is passing the time inside the house by putting in lots of practice time on the viola and by watching a ton of football.  He was just watching the 1982 Super Bowl.  It is so boring but there is nothing else to do.

Hannah is congested which has made her a little cranky and clingy.  I can feel a cold coming on too-- that icky feeling in my head and throat.  I don't know how I could have gotten sick since we rarely leave the house but it seems we have.  Probably from a binky that dropped somewhere disgusting and then was hastily shoved back in her mouth.  

 

That's about it for now folks.  

Every Rose Has It's Thorn

So yesterday it finally warned up to a balmy 29 degrees and I actually ventured out of the house and got some things done.  I even got dressed in a somewhat cute outfit and threw on a little make-up (didn't get the hair washed though-- baby steps) although I didn't take a picture.  In response to the house being overtaken with baby gear, I have been working on clearing out quite a few things to give away.  I sold a baby carrier I no longer need on a local yardsale website.  I gave away all of my maternity clothes (from both pregnancies!).  I culled through my books and made a pile of unread ones to keep on my nightstand to actually read and pulled some that I am done with to give to charity and friends.  I left a huge pile of stuff at Goodwill.  In the grand scheme of clutter in my house it is a baby step forward but it feels good to do something productive nonetheless.  

Hannah Banana is still not letting me get much rest.  Last few nights she did sleep the whole night in her bouncy seat which is a major improvement from me holding her all night.  At her well check, the doctor asked me if she was down to only one night feeding yet.  I must have had a death look on my face because she quickly backpedaled that there is a lot of variability among babies.  I guess some five week olds are only waking once but this five week old wakes at 11, 1, 3 and 5-- just as often as when I was breastfeeding.  To make matters worse, I am beyond exhausted but often find myself wide awake when she is sleeping each night.

Ryan and I went to finally install the immobilizer on her crib so that it would be safe for her to sleep in.  I figured I could try to at least have her nap there during the days.  We discovered we were still missing a part and when we called Simmons informed us that the crib was too old and they no longer carried the part.  So looks like this is the second free crib to end up on the curb in the trash pile due to missing parts. We will be heading out to get her a brand new one and hopefully three is a charm.  

Miss Hannah had her one month well check. She now weighs 10 pounds 4 ounces and is doing well according to the doctor.  She had a shot which left her terribly cranky all evening.  She really is not a fussy baby at all, so after two hours of inconsolable screaming I was ready to cry myself.  I loaded her into the car to meet Ryan for our Friday date night at Wegman's. She screamed and screamed until Every Rose Has It's Thorn by Poisen came on the radio.  Inexplicably, Hannah immediately stopped crying and fell asleep.  Apparently she likes the corny 80's power ballads like mom does.  I have to admit this morning when Hannah was fussing again, I found myself rocking her and singing "Eeeeeevery cowboy sings a sad, saaaaad sooooong."  You can't make this stuff up.

Isaac turns nine in a few weeks and has asked to have a birthday party.  He hasn't had one in a few years so I agreed.  He wants to have (what else?) a football party, so I am trying to make arrangements for that at the local sportsplex.  Honestly, hosting a birthday party for a bunch of boys is about the absolute LAST thing I feel like doing but Isaac has been such a trooper lately I am going to suck it up.  He was invited to a sleepover which got him out of grocery shopping with mom so he was happy about that.

That's about it for the Stephenson-Horne household.  It's been a good day.

Thoughts on Post Partum Fashion

So my mom bought me these slippers for my hospital stay:

They have since become my main footwear of choice, much to everyone's horror.  They are warm and fur lined and easy to slip off and on, even if they are not particularly attractive.  The other day Isaac needed me to drop him at school (requiring me to get out of the car to sign him in).  I threw my long coat on over my pajamas and slipped those bad boys on. He stared at me for a minute and then said totally respectfully, "We have some time mom.  I will wait here while you go get dressed."  Ouch.  This is what I have become: the mom whose appearance embarrasses my eight year old.

But that's where I am at these days with wardrobe options.  I have lost all but five pounds of pregnancy weight and I am sure if the weather ever improves and I get cleared to excercise I can get rid of the rest of that weight. For now it is too cold to leave the house for non-essential errands, let alone go for any long power walks.  The good news is my pre-pregnancy jeans can zip up, even if they are little tighter around the middle than previously.  I haven't tried on any work pants, but I feel confident some of the roomier pairs will fit.  But it is just easier to stay in sweatpants, pajamas and big t shirts.  I rarely leave the house and I am vomited on daily.  When I do get a break from keeping a tiny human alive I am usually trying to either catch up on sleep or tackle some housework, so I don't exactly need to be breaking out skinny jeans and accessorizing.  

As for shirts, I ruined about five of my roomier solid color cotton long sleeved t-shirts during my "bloody nipples on fire" stage of nursing.  Little known fact: liberally applying Lasinoh multiple times daily when it hurts too much to wear a bra leaves greasy stains on your shirts that never wash out.  Awesome.

So anyways, the moral of this story is I have decided for my own self esteem and personal dignity I need to start showering, doing my hair, and attempting to get dressed once in a while.  There is not much money for new clothes but I am sure there must be some pieces in my closet that can still work for this rounder, softer body. So I might occasionally start doing outfit of the day posts again or maybe even joining a fashion related link up to hold myself accountable.  Not because I think my outfits are particularly inspirational or trendy but literally to force myself to get dressed, which will hopefully make me feel like a real person again.  

I will leave you with a picture of the angelic little face that makes this all worth it: 

Happy Thursday!