Conflicting feelings

I had some really weird and disturbing dreams the other night that I think highlight my ambivalence about returning to work.  On the one hand, I am so bored and lonely being home all day.  I think of the snow and extremely cold temperatures have made those feelings even worse.  It's hard not to feel resentful that Ryan gets to leave each day and carry on with everyday life while I am isolated at home trying to remember if I brushed my teeth that day or not.  My substitute called last week to ask me some questions and I couldn't believe how eager I was to jump into work mode for a few minutes.  Maybe it was just the chance to interact with a non-family member adult.  I'm surprised how much I miss my job.  

On the other hand, I look at Hannah and I can't imagine leaving her all day just yet.  I'm resentful that Ryan can go to work, but I am not really ready to return there.  She is just too little.  That was what happened in my dream.  I went to visit at school and all of a sudden I had all of this work to do and I was trying to explain to people that I was still on leave but no one was listening-- they just kept giving me more assignments.  It sounds silly to write it out but it was really upsetting.  I am also already starting to freak out about how I will do it all when I start back.  I am hardly staying on top of the bare minimum of what is required to keep this household running when I am home all day.  I am afraid to see what this house will look like once I throw 40 hours of work in the weekly mix.

 I wish there was some way to go back part time, to sort of have the best of both worlds-- something to alleviate the monotony and boredom of being at home without pulling me away for too long.  I did hear of a special Ed teacher in the district who was part time but from what I heard it ended up that she had a full caseload's worth of work and half the time to do it in.  No thanks. Oh well.  I am about halfway through my leave, so I am just going to try to make the most of it.  At least Miss Hannah will be in good hands with grandma when I have to return to work.  

Isaac had another snow day yesterday and it looks like another one tomorrow and maybe this weekend as well.  At this rate I will be in school until July.  I would much rather have my days off in the summer.  He did make it to soccer tonight which was good.  He is passing the time inside the house by putting in lots of practice time on the viola and by watching a ton of football.  He was just watching the 1982 Super Bowl.  It is so boring but there is nothing else to do.

Hannah is congested which has made her a little cranky and clingy.  I can feel a cold coming on too-- that icky feeling in my head and throat.  I don't know how I could have gotten sick since we rarely leave the house but it seems we have.  Probably from a binky that dropped somewhere disgusting and then was hastily shoved back in her mouth.  

 

That's about it for now folks.