just keeping it real

I'm in a funk.

I miss Isaac.

I know he is having fun. I know he is safe and having the time of his life. I know I should be enjoying the time to myself that I always seem to covet.

But tonight.. I just miss him.

I also miss the rest of my family. I generally talk to my mom on the phone at least once a day. I talk to my dad at least once a week. I talk to or see my brother's frequently. I just feel lonely. Yesterday was the culmination of loneliness. Although it wasn't a major holiday, I don't generally spend holidays completely alone.

I stayed late at work tonight (till about six thirty), since I hadn't made any plans and didn't really have anything to come home to. Which sucks and just set the tone for a night of wallowing in ridiculous self pity.

I'm just overwhelmed by stuff. Which makes me feel sort of paralyzed. So instead of trying to deal with things I just bury my head passively in the sand and do nothing and my life implodes around me.

Okay, that's a bit dramatic.

But it's true more or less.

And I don't give into the temptation very often but today I got stuck listening to those old voices and just thinking catastrophically. (I have no friends, I'm unattractive, I will be alone forever).

It really hit me that I am almost 30. Which is just such a significant milestone-type birthday. I don't know. I just thought I would have more stuff figured out by now. Since I'm about to be a real full-blown adult. I just thought I would be more together.

Anyways, all of those thoughts resulted in me going on an emotion fuelled eating binge.

Which left me feeling even more disgusted with myself.

Which makes me feel even more unlovable and lonely.

And it spirals on.

In general I'm good at staying positive and being content. But tonight is not one of those nights...

Sunday Sunday

It's been a fun few days. Wednesday night Isaac left for my mom's to fly out to Orlando the next day. My dad sent me a few pictures of him. Here is one:

Looks like he is having a miserable time doesn't he? =P

Thursday I met up with my friend Jami for delicious Panera dinner and then ran back up to attend a school board meeting which ended up keeping me out till almost 11! Lots of drama with next year's budget and I like to be in the know when I can go. Friday I logged in a couple of hours after school with coworkers helping prepare for the art show. This year the theme is jungle/rainforest. I will try to take and post some pictures. The transformation is incredible. Then I went out to dinner with the Hilbert's.

Saturday I finally caught up with some stuff around the house. I got the Easter decorations put away, did some laundry, just generally tidied up. Around noon I met up with some coworker's to see Water for Elephants. It was our book group selection for the month (I had read it previously). The movie was good. I would give it 4/5 stars. Robert Pattison was great as Jacob and Reese Witherspoon was great as Marlena, but I felt like they lacked some chemistry together. She is so much older than him. I don't know. Then we went out to Olive Garden and had a delicious dinner. Our waitress was terrible but our food was good.

After that my next stop was Ikea. I got this painting for the office:

It's a pretty big canvas. I got a few other things too, including a much needed floor lamp and some new trashcans.

Then I came home and cleaned some more and talked to an e-harmony guy on the phone. We have been texting and e-mail for a week or two and he seemed really nice. On the phone... I don't know. I'm not trying to be mean... but... yeah...

Sunday I woke up and prepared my Sunday school lesson, only to have, once again, no one show up to hear it. I was kind of irritated so I peaced out before RS. Sunday was the day I really started to seriously get lonely without Isaac. It was a tiny bit depressing to not be with your mom or your child on mother's day. I did speak to them both on the phone though. I also went for a really long bike ride, took a nap and steam cleaned the seats in my car.

Anyways, have a great week.

????

Recieved this back today from someone on e-harmony. Not really sure what to make of it. Can you make heads or tails of it???

What do you most like to do on a day off? what i like to do n day oe thing like always when start me day or do after work day is going on a long walk. walking right by the steam that goes into little happy listioning to the water being lost in my own throughts. watching the brids as they fly trying to see each new on in a day. head out to movie or stay in for moive not. like send time with my family reading up a new page in my book and smiple just enjoy life and all that i can be thank full for

Are you doing what you love? If not, what would you rather be doing? while i love feeling of a hard days work. do what i can making better then when i started. to come home feel little tried yet not letting that stop me. just good smile on my face know i will head on a walk and all my pain will go away. as i can honestly say this frist time in long time that happy and feel good where i work a. as it also plays apart in doing what i love to do that is to draw

Describe the worst date you've ever been on. while worst date ever been on was on three way date with two sister me and my girl. reason why so bad older sister who was ride with lost the keys to car. as having hear he making out with guy talking about how she puts on a frist date so dam sick to know. call me and my girl her varigen babbies cant say things about them; suck outside in cold wait for my farther to come over to give us other keys so we can get the car home. as what made me so upset that day i had big dinner and all this other stuff planed for me and my girl that day this i can to chancel everything. just for the fact to make girl happy at the time to do this three way date thing neve doing that again

=)

"Mom, my foot smells like barbeque" --Isaac.

couldn't have said it better myself

Wordless Wednesday - Parking Lot

Bring it to the table, bring what I am able

Firstly, in the spirit of fairness, I should feel like I should disclose that Isaac's dad DID show up yesterday after work. And I gave them some ideas on what to do to entertain themselves and then went upstairs and did my own thing, instead of lingering around trying to facilitate interactions. So that was good.

Secondly, what the heck is going on with Blogger? The spacing and formatting keys have been messed up for weeks now. Spell checker doesn't work. What the heck?! I'm getting tired of formatting everything myself with html. Get your act together Blogger!!!!

Anyways, onto what I really want to talk about. After watching The Human Experience, I was feeling really bummed. I was so inspired to, like, go to Calcutta and work amongst the impoverished. I was feeling rather discouraged because I'm not someone, like my sister, that gets called on to drop everything and go to places like North Carolina, and just get busy serving humanity where there is a huge need. I want to do something service oriented that feels really important.

Anyways, yesterday was the culmination of the a big food drive I helped organize at church for the North Coventry Food Bank. We met to load up everything and bring it all over to the pantry. There is a couple who is called to work with the YSAs and he is a night manager for Target. He arranged for Target to donate all of their damaged stuff from the month of April to the pantry. I expected a few ripped boxes of trash bags and maybe a couple of cases of toilet paper. He showed up with a *huge* truck load of diapers, paper towels, sandwich bags, laundry detergent, baby wipes, and cleaning supplies. This was in addition to the food that we had been able to collect from the congregation. We met the lady at the food pantry and unloaded it all.

I had spoken with her on a phone a few times to make arrangements but I didn't know where the pantry was. Turns out, it is less than 3 minutes away from where I live-- just a little storage room in the basement of the township building. She was so appreciative and sweet. She said that they never get significant donations this time of year and that she was overwhelmed by the amount that we had brought her.

Times are tough for everyone, and money is always tight for me. My budget is so tight that any unexpected expense feels like an emergency. But I have so much to be grateful for. I have never had a situation where I didn't have food to eat or put on the table for Isaac. I also have a supportive family who I know I could turn to if my financial situation ever became truly dire. It was very humbling to think that there are 90 families in my immediate area who depend on the foodbank to get by. The whole experience reminded me of a quote I heard once by C.S. Lewis. I tried to find it to share it exactly, but I can't find it. Anyways, it was essentially saying that one of the tricks of the devil is to let you think that you can only be effective if you are providing relief to people across the world, and thus you ignore the needs of people right under your own nose-- pretty much my exact attitude.

Not to toot my own horn here (too much) but I guess it was just a nice little affirmation. I may not be able to volunteer in an orphanage in Ghana like my sister, but I *can* do things that are important to people who live right around me. I organized an effort that filled up the food pantry that is right in my own backyard. That food might end up on the tables of kids in Isaac's class. Hopefully in the summer when my schedule open's up a bit more I can devote some more time to helping out there or at the Cluster of Religious Communities in Pottstown. It's so easy to get trapped in that self centered mindset of "me, me, me". I really want to make a concerted effort to try to focus on others' needs.

Anyways, that's all for now. Spring break is over and back to the grind of the school year. I just need to push on a little longer until June.