motherhood rants

Okay, hopefully this blog doesn't offend anyone.

It probably will.

I know I'm leaving myself open to be flamed.

Here goes: So a long time ago (like, over the summer) within the short span of a few weeks, almost all of my good friends who happened to be married (and not LDS) made statements to me about how they simply do not want children. They are all in stable marriages, fairly financially secure, etc. They are just happy being couples I guess and don't want to disrupt their lives. This was around the time when WJM/longtime college boyfriend got back in touch with me and made a similar pronouncement. He declared himself to be "too selfish" ever to have kids and expressed that he had a dog, and that was close enough to a kid (future rant blog on people who compare having pets to having kids is still to come-- that is one of my biggest pet peeves EVER. I hate when people compare the fulfillment of the relationship of a pet, to what they expect the fulfillment and/or responsibility level of having a child will be.)

I try not to judge my friends who don't want children, because I hate when people judge me for getting pregnant, but, well, I think it's a really narcissistic attitude. I don't understand why you would want to sell yourself short of the joy of having kids if you were able to. I really can't wrap my head around their choice to be willfully childless.

Although I have always knew I wanted to be a mother, and although my pregnancy was unexpected, having Isaac is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I recognize that even though I have always have a deep drive and longing to be a mother, that not everyone experiences that same feeling. I think that's fair. But I don't know, (here I go judging again) but it just seems like so many of my friends are choosing not to simply because it would require them to adopt a less self-centered lifestyle and to me that is just tragic. It's an amazing thing to have a child and realize that there is someone in the world now that you love more than you love yourself. I just feel like if you intentionally choose to not experience that on some level, then you are willingly stunting your growth of your character as a human being. There, I said it.

It feels weird to even write this, because I am so not the typical mormon girl whose life ambition is getting married at 19 and cranking out a minivan full of kids before you can even afford to move out of your parent's basement. I think women should have careers. I don't think daycare is evil. And, believe me, I am not trying to glamorize it. I vividly rememver the total shock of coming home from the hospital with the baby in the carseat red faced and screaming and realizing that nothing about my life will ever be the way it was before. You lose your ability to sleep, your privacy, to eat when you want, to live life on your own terms. Pregnancy itself is the ultimate example-- you are not even able to be the only one living in your body, which I guess is a scary thing to some. (Remember the controversial statement Jillian Michaels gave in her Women's Health interview where she said she was planning to adopt so she wouldn't "ruin" her body with pregnancy?) Children involve a lot of time, emotional giving and patience. It's hard work to be a parent and raise kids. And Isaac, is only six, I know I haven't even really gotten to the hard part yet. I get that can be overwhelming at times (believe me!!!) but gosh, in parenthood the good outweighs the bad a million times over. It's such a beautiful thing.

It just makes me a little sad that so many of my friends (for whatever reason) aren't choosing to embark on that adventure.

That's all.

My two cents (before I spend it)

Sorry, apparently I am incapable of updating el blogo more than once a week anymore. Sor-ree.

So I just finished this book . It was amazing!!!! I can't wait to discuss it at book club. Now I feel like I can't start another book, because it will just feel like a let down. A post-reinforcement pause, for my fellow ABA geeks. I had sort of gotten distracted from reading for a while, so it was good to get back into something.

So things have been pretty grim at work. The noose is tightening thanks to our fabulous govenor and losing several key grants that fund support staff. They laid off some assistants, and cut related arts (music, gym, library, art) to part time employees. There's no more tutoring. No more summer school. No more kindergarten assistant. It's really sad and it's the kids that are losing out. I feel fairly safe that my job is secure, but you really never know. It's scary to see people I work side by side with every day getting bad news. It's also made the morale at work even worse. Everytime adults are alone together (without students) that is inevitably what the conversation turns to. It's draining. Thank goodness spring break is next week. I am itching for a few days off.

Speaking of arts education, my heart about burst with pride when out of no where he turned to me and said that he liked an artist named Van Gogh and his favorite painting by Van Gogh is "Starry Night". I got a little bit teary, I'm not going to lie.

Tonight I watched "Exit Through the Gift Shop". 2 thumbs up. Definitely recommend.

I'll leave you with this video. I love the conviction in her voice. "This is my life". :-)

I have nothing to offer except my own confusion

I think that's a quote from someone else, but I can't find anyone to attribute it to. Via google at least. I feel like I don't have much to blog about these days. Things are good. Very busy, but very good. Not the stressful insanity of before. Just, good busy.

Soccer was cancelled again this weekend. Just like last weekend, Saturday was a beautiful day, but it had rained so much during the week that the fields were too soggy to play on. I ended up taking Isaac to the gym with me and got a decent workout in, which was nice. I had plans to clean and clean and clean but my brother Joe ended up randomly stopping by. We got some lunch together and then did Lowes and Home Depot. I needed furnace filters. We ended up getting the crown molding for my bedroom. My bedroom is the only room that feels majorly unfinished. It is still builders white, etc. I'm not ready for the total make-over yet, but I envision it being complete by the end of the summer. We are going to paint it, put up the crown molding, put in a ceiling fan and get some curtains up.

After we were done our shopping, we had to jet off to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. Isaac's dad was supposed to join us there, but, predictably, he cancelled at the last minute. I didn't even bother telling Isaac because I knew he wouldn't really come. This always happens. Last weekend we had such a good talk about his dad coming over and seeing Isaac and I felt like things were heading in a better direction. It never seems to last though. He had a "family meeting". I am forever pointing out how he puts obscure extended family over Isaac, who is his real flesh and blood, but I don't think it really sinks in. There is a huge Sierra Leonian independence day celebration coming up that he claims he wants to bring Isaac to. We'll see. I never hold my breath.

Anyways, the party at Chuck E Cheese wasn't too painful. I brought this book along and knocked out five chapters during the party. With a few exceptions, I find the mothers of Isaac's classmates to be cliquey, superficial and vapid. I made obligatory small talk with them, and then retreat to a table with my book. It's next May's book for my book club and it is really good. I'm not done yet, but I haven't been able to put it down.

I got a random text on my way home from the party that WJM (long time college boyfriend) was going to be out my way that evening, so I invited him over. I managed to get the house in relatively decent shape, which was good because it has been in a state of C.H.A.O.S. (can't have anyone over syndrome) for several days. I forgot that Friday morning I had set up for the builder guy to come and check on my leaking roof. It was completely mortifying to have him traipse through my house and go into Isaac's room to access the ladder. Anyways, I managed to get the place in order before he swung by.

His visit was nice enough. Although we are extremely different people now than when we were dating, our personalities are still very compatible. I think we are doing a decent job of being friends now. There were only a few awkward moments. One, when we were bantering about something and he called me the name of his ex gf after me. That didn't go over well. He also always seems to ask me about what I do for fun, or what kind of hobbies I have. I don't think he means it in a condescending way, but it always puts me on the defense. He is involved in tons of different hobbies and volunteer type stuff, and I feel like he thinks my life is a little too simple. But I mean, I'm a working, single mom. There are a lot of demands on my time. I work. I teach Sunday school. I do stuff with Isaac. I'm close with my family. I'm in a book club. I do yoga and Zumba. I go for occasional bike rides. I hang out with friends. I go out in the city. I don't know. I think I am a fun and somewhat interesting person, but he makes me feel terribly simple and boring.

Anyways, today was my Sunday to teach Sunday school (I alternate with another girl) but no one showed up. This meant I had to join the big gospel doctrine class which was.... painful. After church, we came home and I took a delicious 2 hour nap and then kept reading The Help. Then my brother Tom came over and played wii with Isaac for a little and I made delicious oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. The secret is a teaspoon of Overall, it's been a great weekend. I'm sad to see it end.

The only plus side, is I get to wear a t-shirt tomorrow. Specifically, this T-shirt for Autism Awareness month (it has the name of our elementary school on the back):

I work for a district where the kids wear uniforms (which I love, and wish that Isaac's school would adopt a uniform policy) and so we get very few casual days. I don't get to wear jeans, but wearing t-shirts at least feels like a step in the right direction. Last week we got to wear these shirts (along with teachers from across the state) sent to us by our union:

It's cheesey, I admit, but I like a little positive self talk. I *do* make a difference every day. It's the main reason why I could never work for corporate America. /endrant

We also occasionally have days when we get to wear this one: It's my favorite. I love me some Ben Franklin. The back has a quote by him: "Energy and persistence conquer all things".

Anyways, I'm back to reading and ready for a new week. How was your weekend?

Thank goodness

I can always e-harmony to provide me with endless amounts of entertainment.

Welcome to the world's most awkward profile picture ever. Look at how weird her hand is on his arm.... I don't know if you can read the caption but it says "Can't wait to go see my mother again soon". Just no.... on a million different levels....

And the profile content for this week's "matches" didn't disappoint either:

The most important thing I am looking for in a person is: Kindness? Sweetness? Show-Stopping Beauty? I kid! Sweetness isn't really necessary...

Some additional information I want you to know: I don't have any extra toes, fingers, or nipples...

The most influential person in my life has been: My best friend Tom, his wife actually thinks were having an affair! Seriously?! Keep that to yourself!!!

Some additional information I want you to know: I am a very caring, compassionate man, despite the stereotypes my profession may portray [he sells used cars]. I am very excited about meeting the woman who can not only be the Laurel to my Hardy, but also the Michele to my Barack .

And a few good typos:

Favorite Band: Linking Park

A Book I Read Recently and Enjoyed: The Great Gaspy (seriously, that one made me giggle for like 6 straight minutes) Oh boy...

something good, yeah

First of all-- a word about joyschool. I didn't realize it was a formal thing with copywrited curriculm, which raises it a few notches. The name is still cheesy as all get out though. My weekend was lovely. Friday night was low key. I had Isaac with me even though this was my weekend "off" because of his 9:30 Saturday soccer game. Which ended up being cancelled because the fields are a mess due to all the rain. Then we tried to meet his dad and a Hibachi place to try to salvage the afternoon... only to find that the place opened an hour later than the website said they did. We ended up just grabbing lunch at McDonald's.

Isaac's grandpa on his dad's side will be here soon to visit once all of the greencard stuff goes through. Isaac's dad M is from Sierra Leone (which is a country in West Africa. [Jay Z Kanye West rapped about it but blogger won't let me put in a link....}) Anyways, it will be the first time we will be meeting one of M's immediate family members, so that is kind of exciting. Isaac knows that his dad is from Africa but I want him to start having a better idea of what that means.

I made the trek out to my parent's house to watch Conference there. It was lovely. I had to straight from there to meet Isaac at the meeting spot, so I went a different way than usual, through Intercourse PA (go ahead and giggle!) .

I was a little low on gas and was relieved to find a Wawa (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-- who knew they had one in Lancaster County?!). It was bad enough last weekend to tell the AAA lady I was broken down on the side of the road in Blue Ball. If I had to call again to tell them I was stuck in Intercourse, they might think tag me as some kind of weirdo.

So Isaac is a huge Michael Jackson fan. We were at the grocery store recently when he was like "Hey mom! Watch this!" He did a little spin and then attempted this move: I almost peed my pants.

Anyways, I'm out of things to say, and I have to make sure I am out the door on the early side tomorrow to prepare for an IEP meeting at 8. Hope you had a nice weekend!

don't wanna go to sleep

First of all, I keep seeing "joy school" mentioned on LDS mom-type blogs. I think I must really be turning into a cynical wench in my old age, because I can't think of anything less joy inducing than having a bunch of three year olds over to my house and playing pre-K teacher. It actually kind of makes me want to gag. And why can't it just be called playgroup? Is that not "joyous" enough? Although, looking back on it, I'm pretty sure my mom did a short joy-school type of playgroup with me when I was a young child living in Utah and I guess I turned out all right. (Yes, little known fact, I'm actually from Utah originally). Whew, now that that's off my chest...

Today I took a personal day to be the mystery reader at Isaac's school. It was so fun to surprise him and help out a little in his class. Apparently no other parents have been mystery readers, so that was fun to actually put a check in the "things mom can still do even though I work full time" column, since the "things I have to say no to cause I work full time column" is filled with entries.

I also wanted to take some time for spring cleaning today. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I:

• Did six loads of laundry including both of our sheets, comforters, duvet covers, dust ruffles, etc. etc. AND they are folded and put away.
• I vacuumed and flipped our mattresses.
• I moved my bed and night stands and vacuumed the carpet and dusted the baseboards. I haven't done that since I moved in and it was absolutely disgusting how much dust, etc. was back there. Also cleaned all the junk out from underneath my bed and found approximately 87 pens.
• Organized my jewelry, shoes and closet in general.
• Cleaned out my purse. I'm no longer hauling around 5 pounds worth of old receipts.
• Updated Google calendar with all of my events for the coming months.
• Found a whole bunch of cool online resources to use in my classroom.
• Went to the gym and ran two miles.
• Got some great books for my classroom at the used book store for supercheap.
• Cleaned out both cat boxes.
• Made cream cheese cookies.
• Called my sister (and nearly gagged the whole time. She and I have very opposite views on things like breastfeeding, vaginal deliveries and whether or not placentas are interesting organs [she is a labor and delivery nurse]).
• Finally called the builder about my leaky roof (Hello! My house is barely two years old! Why is the roof leaking?!) and completed some paperwork for the HOA to officially report my neighbors for letting their dog crap all over the place. They should be getting a fine in the mail shortly. Yeah, I'm that neighbor. And I don't like your freakin' dog.

I didn't get to most of what's on my list but I feel like spring cleaning is in full swing. Isaac's room is next. I will carry on Saturday hopefully after our first soccer game. Not sure what's going on for the weekend yet. I'm up for something low-key which conference weekend usually is. Have a fab Friday!

Inspired Apple

Linky party over at The Inspired Apple (have I mentioned my obsession with teacher blogs? Maybe someday I will start my own.. you know... in my spare time...)

You know you do 1/2 autistic support when:

• You find yourself writing social stories about every bodily function you can dream of. (You think I'm kidding? My flashdrive has stories for nose-picking, farting, hands in the pants, why you wipe, why you shouldn't eat boogers, putting your pees and poops in the right place, etc, etc, etc.)
• You can never have enough 3X5 cards, ziploc bags, post-its, white board markers or timers.
• When you bring your own kid into your classroom he keeps exlaiming "Hey! This is *my* book/toy/sweatshirt/game".
• On a date you find yourself asking the one you are with to slide his bottom over a little and he looks at you in complete horror (true story)
• I saw this one on another blog and totally cracked up. Teachers in the hallway use a slightly different tone of voice when asking about a student referred to as only "your friend". My poor co-teacher this year has several "friends".
• Certain names will now forever be off limits for your own children. They just instantly conjure up images of a certain student, for better or for worse.
• You crack up daily at inventive spelling. (My favorite ever was the girl who wrote about "titty bars" which we later found out were "teddy bears").
• The very first day on the job your assistant says "Do you drink?" and when you reply no, she says "Well you may want to start."
• You find yourself discreetly sniffing students to try to figure out which one is making the room smell like old potatoes.
• You consult with your OT like 489758475 times a day. And when she takes a sick day, you feel lost.
• You keep M and M's and Hershey kisses in your desk drawer and delve into them aggressively when your students are at special. And when you randomly appear in coworkers' classrooms to ask them questions they immediately assume you are there to raid their stash.
• You have to field questions from kindergarteners asking if "you've got a man".
• The honor system snack box in the teacher's lounge is out of chocolate the day after the guy comes to restock it (and the gross peanut butter crackers sit lonely in the box for three more weeks).
• There are never enough pencils. No matter what. And you discover that your student has been sitting there doing nothing for ten minutes because the one he has isn't sharpened and doesn't have an eraser.
• Your students think you and your assistant live together.
• You reflexively answer, "I don't know, can you?" every time a student says "Can I go to the bathroom?"
• You cringe when you see adults forming letters by starting at the bottom or making other "mistakes". You have to bite your lip to keep from screaming "Magic C! Up like helicopter! Down and bump!"

But I love it!