what to do?

I have always been opposed to the idea of a private blog. I follow lots of blogs that I stumbled across or discovered by clicking "next" on blogger and I like the idea that someone could have stumbled on mine that way. I also follow the blogs of lots of people I barely know IRL who would probably think I was a weirdo if they knew their blog was in my reader. I don't want someone to feel awkward that they have to delurk to get an invitation to my blog.

And yet, sending someone an invitation to view my blog feels presumptious too. Cause why should I assume anyone really gives a crap about the insane stuff that floats around in my head? I also think private blogs are irritating because they don't appear in my blog reader. I have to make a point to check them individually, which is just more work. BUT I also don't want to have to censor myself or worry about who is potentially reading this (that I encounter in various situations IRL). Blogger is not sophisticated enough for me to make certain content open to all and other content closed (unless I am missing something? Please let me know if I am mistaken!)

I know, I'm all over the map here.

What is prompting this? Little birdies have pointed out internet posts written about me that range from venting about innocent school interchanges to completely false accusations and slandering of me (and my co-workers) as professionals. I do not go looking for it. I really don't. But since someone else has brought it to my attention it has caused me to wonder how easily these people who are apparently so unhappy with me could be tracking me down.

And I mean, here I am reading information that they obviously felt was somewhat private, that would never be seen by me. Who knows who could be reading this? Not that I ever write about anything work related, ever. But... I mean, some of my stuff is on the more personal side that the parents of my students don't really need to know about.

I've been googling myself with different combinations of personal information to see what comes up....

Gah. Feel free to weigh in.

blah

here is my life right now:

work

work

pick Isaac up from school and then take him to my school while I continue to work

meeting with upset parent

dirty dishes piling up in the sink

driving to Lancaster

checking blogs

looking up at the clock at work and seeing it is 6:30 at night and I haven't eaten anything since 12:30

e-mailing work people until midnight while in bed

work

tv dinner

work

Pretty exciting life, right? Doesn't make for good blog material.

I am definitely terrifically busy at school. The insanity starts with the early intervention kids in February and keeps building steadily until June. There is no doubt my work load has increased.

But... (yes, I'm blogging about it again)....

I also feel a bit of loneliness and a void that for the past six months or so has been filled up with PDH and I think it is safe to say that I am filling that up with school. On Monday I had an after school meeting and so my mom was kind enough to pick Isaac up from school and brought him straight to her place. After my meeting was over the thought of going home to an empty house was unbearable. In the past I would have jumped on the chance to grab dessert or go bowling with PDH. Now I am filling the time up running 100 individual 3 by 5 cards through the printer until the cleaning lady is kicking me out. Dating him helped me draw boundaries on things and keep other obligations from encroaching over every aspect of my day. I need to try to regain that. I can't do another year like last where I show up at work at 6:30 am, stay till five and then bring three hours of work home with me.

On the break up front... it's done for real. I deleted his number, the whole nine yards. I'm still alternating between sad and mad. The playlist ranges from Almost Lover by a Fine Frenzy ("Goodbye my luckless romance/my back is turned on you/should have known you'd bring me heartache/almost lovers always do") to Narcissus by Alanis Morrisette.

("Any talk of willingness/and any talk of both feet in/ and any talk of commitment/leaves you running for the door"). The opening line of that song I think is my favorite of any angry chick song ever, but it's not really family friendly. Feel free to Google if you're curious. I'm still fighting the urge to think catastrophically. Just because we didn't make it doesn't mean that I will die alone in a house full of 20 cats. Anyways, it's after midnight. I guess I should go to sleep. Better blogs to come soon (for real).

show me what I'm looking for...

(actual music video isn't embeddable)

Boring.

So I have nothing to post. I could keep linking up snarky pictures about dating/breaking up, etc............

I could keep linking up to youtube videos of my life soundtrack (which is still heavy on the Alanis)..............

But I refuse to keep blogging (thinking/texting/obsessing/talking) about PDH.

And there isn't too much new going on with my life.

I went tubing with some co-workers last night: I have never gone snow tubing before, and it was a lot of fun.

Isaac and I went skating last Friday which was also fun.

Now that we are finally starting to see glimmers of spring around here, we have to hurry up and finish up the winter activities, I guess.

so true...

"on a break"

Did any relationship ever go "on a break" before these two??

One of these days I will probably get in real trouble for oversharing on the internet...

But until then, I'll keep writing:

PDH and I had a talk earlier in the week and it became clear that I felt we were "broken up" while he feels that we are "on a break".

????

Confused? Yeah me too .

I don't really understand the difference but basically he wants "time and space" but he can't define time and space. Are we talking weeks? Months? He doesn't know.

Okay.

And what about space? Evidently talking (even daily) is okay, and hanging out (on his time table of course) is still okay. But he doesn't know how often that will be.

Okay....

So basically he wants things to be the same as they have been (at the end) except I can't complain that I am unhappy with things because "we're on a break" instead of "in a relationship". I can sit around and hope for a good night phone call, but I'm no longer entitled to expect one.

Oh and here's the real kicker. Being on a break evidently also means not dating other people.

So, yeah .........

...... that doesn't really work for me.

I mean, it's not like I have a line of eligible bachelor's waiting outside my door (I'm envisioning the blowing away nanny scene from Mary Poppins and then PDH descending from the sky holding small black umbrella...). Far from it.

But on the other hand, I'm not going to just twiddle my thumbs indefinitely stuck in some ambiguous relationship limbo while PDH tries to decide if he wants to be together or not. If it's not going to work out let's not keep dangling the hope of reconciliation. Let's cut our losses and start the whole process of "moving on".

So pretty much I am NOT a fan of "being on a break".

What the heck is the point? When I was aloof and unsure in the summer, he couldn't get enough of me. Now that I've committed and want to be with him in a REAL relationship, all of a sudden he needs time and space.

So we continue to be at at impasse.

I do continue to care about him. I think the things that strained our relationship the past month or so are things that could be improved with better communication on both of our parts.

BUT I continue to be unwilling to compromise on certain things (like actually hanging out together on more than a monthly basis). I'm not going to change the core of who I am and what I need from a partner.

I am willing to give him time and space if that's what he feels that he needs to evaluate from a distance.

But... I won't guarantee I will just be here sitting and waiting if/when he is ready for me.

So there you go.

Rocking out to the Black Eye Peas... Apple's got nothing on us...

Here's a few more for fun...

He totally struck this pouty pose with no prompting from me and even said that his "tie" made him feel "stylish"... (Someone's been watching too many Project Runway reruns with mommy on Saturday afternoons...) After this picture was taken he began to slather lotion on his face to make himself more "fabulous". =)

And of course the fur babies...