WARNING: Rant blog ahead, heavy with LDS terminology. (This could be the one that gets me axed from the VFRS blogroll.) My non-LDS friends will probably want to just move along to the next entry in your reader...
Look, I know I've been railing on about this forever. Especially if we are facebook friends I'm sure it must feel like I'm beating a dead horse by typing blog entry 2119807282 of why I dislike my ward.
But....
Too bad.
I've got more to say.
I've found myself in the position lately of dreading the third hour of church. I've always loved RS, had callings in RS and in general felt uplifted and inspired after discussions there. But lately, I've been feeling a little excluded by the lesson topics and discussion. Like, it's been so bad I am considering volunteering for a stint in nursery. I am not exaggerating, last week we heard about the sacred covenant of marriage , the lesson before that (that I have attended, I've been on vacation) was about getting along better with your spouse. I know that the lessons are more or less prescribed to us in the manual and that they are important and inspired yadda yadda but MAN am I tired of the marriage and family theme. Can't we throw in a service lesson once in a while? Missionary work? Something? Anyways just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, enter today's lesson: chastity.
For obvious reasons, not my most favorite discussion topic. I considered leaving right after the opening hymn.
I probably should have.
But I decided to stay.
It started off on an interesting path, actually. The teacher was saying how we as a church needed to look at the way we taught this concept to our youth, because they are being told their whole lives that sex is bad and dirty and not to be talked about and then when they get married and all of sudden it's a-ok and I guess people are developing complexes when they try to be intimate with their spouse. The psychology major in me found this intriguing but we didn't discuss this for too long.
Then we moved onto the meat and potatoes of the lesson: Adam and Eve (Replenish the earth!!!!!), homosexuality (We sure love those gays, bless their hearts, but what they do is gross!!!), some quotes from the Strength of Youth pamphlet (Passionate kissing = bad!!!!! Getting naked with someone = worse!!!!!) and then we began to discuss the seriousness of breaking the law of chastity. That's when the discussion started to cross the line from uncomfortable and awkward into hurtful, inaccurate and just wrong. I'm not going to recap every unkind thing that was said, but my feelings were intensely hurt by judgmental comments that were made.
After having my moral worthiness be compared to someone who has committed murder, I had enough. I stood up, swung my church bag over my shoulder, turned to the girl next to me and said something to the effect of "Can you let me out? I've had about as much as I can take of this lesson" and I stormed out of the room.
Fortunately, a few people had the good sense to recognize how abrasive some of the commentary must have been to me and chased after me. I ended up in the parking lot having a really good discussion and cry with one of the sisters I actually feel like I can relate to. During our talk a member of the RS presidency came and apologized for what was said and actually encouraged me not to come back because the commentary had gotten even worse.
So, not my best day at church. Want to know the best part of all of this? Guess who is substitute teaching Relief Society in two weeks? Yours truly. Should be nice and awkward.
Anyways, believe it or not, I'm pretty much over the comments that were made. I had a good cry this afternoon and made an appointment with my Bishop to let him know how I feel about everything but I'm not going to dwell on it any longer. I wish people in my ward would be more open-minded and a little kinder, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it. What other people think of me is none of my business.
But what really leaves a bad taste in my mouth is that we can't be real in church. Why do we have to sit there and perpetuate this impossible standard that like 90% of people sitting in that room are struggling to meet? Why can't we just be truthful? Your average RS congregation isn't filled with people with perfect lives and perfect hair and perfect marriages with perfect children. Your congregation is filled with women in unhappy marriages, people with wayward children, or women who grew up in abusive homes, people who had unexpected crisis pregnancies and people who weren't virgins on their wedding days. Why can't we just cut all the crap and have honest discussions about how these are things people legitimately struggle with every single day? Maybe, we could even come up with ways to support each other instead of putting blinders on and just insisting that everyone besides you is leading happy little LDS lives. I can't be the only one feels terrible that they don't measure up.
I don't know. Thoughts?
7 comments:
We had our chastity lesson last week. The word "sex" was used once, as part of "homosexuality." Helpful.
One of the things that is both good and bad in the church is that we teach the ideals. It gives us hope and something to strive for . . . but it can also get us frustrated when we feel we don't live up to it, or that we never will. It also makes LDS society judgmental. Because we focus on the ideal, we judge those who don't live up to it in our eyes, including ourselves. I think this is worst in Utah.
We had a similar opening to our lesson, about how we needed to have open and frank discussions about intimacy (not sex!) before our children reach adulthood. It was in the manual. I consider this a HUGE step forward. Randon's parents gave him the sex talk in the car on the way to the temple on our wedding day. He was 26. Unacceptable. But, sadly, this is common. I really think that our generation has the job to open things up in the church to be more real. To face the mental/emotional challenges of our day, we can't just preach ideals and never talk about how life is hard and has a lot of gray area, and how we cope with that.
A few weeks ago we talked about Henry B. Eyring's(?) talk, mentioning the story of the guy who broke and cut off his own arm to get out of the crevice he was stuck in for days. The talk celebrates his faith and hope and courage. It doesn't mention the part about him being a moron and hiking by himself. It just says that he got into a bad place and then focused on the bravery required to lift himself out of the hole he was in (literally!). I think this is where we need to get to as an LDS society, where we can acknowledge that we all make bad decisions from time to time, but that the journey out of our holes and into the light is to be taught and celebrated, not judged.
Sorry for the essay. I could talk about this for hours. :) I'm sorry you had a lousy lesson.
I am right there with you...in my ward, which I have quit going to, they are more worried about putting on a show of perfection than trying to help the people who are struggling and asking for her.
I cannot believe openly said murder is next to pre-marital sex. Hello people this is why women get married and hate having sex. Ahhhh!
To some people chastity might not be a temptation ut for those of us who it is it sure does suck to be told we are next to murderers in Gods eyes. In just simply refuse though to believe in a God like that.
I am glad at least some sisters were kind enough to go out after you.
Yeah my wife has been pretty pissed about RS lately too. Apparently if you are married an don't have kids right away you are an evil person. The other week in sacrament we had a talk about how it didn't make sense why people divorce and that it's the husband's fault for being a bad person. I really don't understand what world people think they are living in. We teach ideals but no need to put down people who struggle to live them especially since that group should include everyone.
Great comments guys. In a weird way, I understood what the woman was trying to say. Breaking the law of chastity *is* a serious sin. But she also said it was an unforgivable sin, which simply isn't true.
One of my friends taught the "Eternal Marriage" lesson yesterday as a substitute. Now she worried about this at first - her husband has left the church and they struggle with that (and other non-mainstream LDS issues), but I love what she ended up presenting. See it here.
I'm glad you left. At least some people realized what was being said was hurtful and inappropriate. RS is made up of unique women. We have all had different experiences. We've all made mistakes. We've all had to repent. But that's the great thing about it. That's how we learn and grow.
Emily
I am so sorry your feelings were hurt. Before you pass judgement on all "those" people who are nothing but pretenders about their perfect life and everybody elses remember how offended you are by their perceived judgments of you based on ignorance of your personal life and don't pass the same judgement on them. More than likely everyone has deep down hurts, imperfections they mourn, trials you can't comprehend and more than likely they aren't hypocritically trying to come across as already exalted beings living in the celestial kingdom.
No matter what anybody's past is, or even how unfeeling others may seem, Chastity is still something to remember, recommit to and make plans on how to teach as the time comes in life. So throw out the baggage that inevitably comes with the topic, and pull out the pearls of wisdom that are still there in the lesson manual.
Wish I could give you a hug Lisa. Best of luck with your lessons
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