couldn't have said it better myself

Wordless Wednesday - Parking Lot

Bring it to the table, bring what I am able

Firstly, in the spirit of fairness, I should feel like I should disclose that Isaac's dad DID show up yesterday after work. And I gave them some ideas on what to do to entertain themselves and then went upstairs and did my own thing, instead of lingering around trying to facilitate interactions. So that was good.

Secondly, what the heck is going on with Blogger? The spacing and formatting keys have been messed up for weeks now. Spell checker doesn't work. What the heck?! I'm getting tired of formatting everything myself with html. Get your act together Blogger!!!!

Anyways, onto what I really want to talk about. After watching The Human Experience, I was feeling really bummed. I was so inspired to, like, go to Calcutta and work amongst the impoverished. I was feeling rather discouraged because I'm not someone, like my sister, that gets called on to drop everything and go to places like North Carolina, and just get busy serving humanity where there is a huge need. I want to do something service oriented that feels really important.

Anyways, yesterday was the culmination of the a big food drive I helped organize at church for the North Coventry Food Bank. We met to load up everything and bring it all over to the pantry. There is a couple who is called to work with the YSAs and he is a night manager for Target. He arranged for Target to donate all of their damaged stuff from the month of April to the pantry. I expected a few ripped boxes of trash bags and maybe a couple of cases of toilet paper. He showed up with a *huge* truck load of diapers, paper towels, sandwich bags, laundry detergent, baby wipes, and cleaning supplies. This was in addition to the food that we had been able to collect from the congregation. We met the lady at the food pantry and unloaded it all.

I had spoken with her on a phone a few times to make arrangements but I didn't know where the pantry was. Turns out, it is less than 3 minutes away from where I live-- just a little storage room in the basement of the township building. She was so appreciative and sweet. She said that they never get significant donations this time of year and that she was overwhelmed by the amount that we had brought her.

Times are tough for everyone, and money is always tight for me. My budget is so tight that any unexpected expense feels like an emergency. But I have so much to be grateful for. I have never had a situation where I didn't have food to eat or put on the table for Isaac. I also have a supportive family who I know I could turn to if my financial situation ever became truly dire. It was very humbling to think that there are 90 families in my immediate area who depend on the foodbank to get by. The whole experience reminded me of a quote I heard once by C.S. Lewis. I tried to find it to share it exactly, but I can't find it. Anyways, it was essentially saying that one of the tricks of the devil is to let you think that you can only be effective if you are providing relief to people across the world, and thus you ignore the needs of people right under your own nose-- pretty much my exact attitude.

Not to toot my own horn here (too much) but I guess it was just a nice little affirmation. I may not be able to volunteer in an orphanage in Ghana like my sister, but I *can* do things that are important to people who live right around me. I organized an effort that filled up the food pantry that is right in my own backyard. That food might end up on the tables of kids in Isaac's class. Hopefully in the summer when my schedule open's up a bit more I can devote some more time to helping out there or at the Cluster of Religious Communities in Pottstown. It's so easy to get trapped in that self centered mindset of "me, me, me". I really want to make a concerted effort to try to focus on others' needs.

Anyways, that's all for now. Spring break is over and back to the grind of the school year. I just need to push on a little longer until June.

LOVED this

Last night I watched another documentary on Netflix, this one called "The Human Experience". It was a film about two brothers who had rough upbringings in New York City, who are trying to find the answers to life's fundamental questions "Who am I?" "Why am I here?" "Why is there suffering?" "What common threads of humanity link us together across cultures, race, and zip codes".

They spend a week in New York City in February living among the homeless. They spend time with the lost children in Peru (a segment I don't think any person could make it through without bawling) and then the film ends with them visiting a leper colony in Ghana. In between there is really uplifting and inspiring commentary by priests, rabbis, philosophers and humanitarians. The film also has plenty of happy joyful moments that provide a nice balance to all of the suffering that is shown.

The trailer kind of takes makes it look over the top cheesey, but it wasn't cheesey, it was so inspiring!

Definitely, definitely recommend.

RANT

This is the perfect illustration of why me and Isaac's dad cannot communicate.

Last night Isaac's dad texted me (at 12:30 at NIGHT mind you) that he was going to come over for Easter. I told him okay but that I wouldn't hold my breath he would actually show up. He got all huffy like "I hate when you say that." Today I text him to find out if he is still planning on coming. He responds, yes he will be there at 4. I let him know that won't work, that my mom is serving dinner at 4 (an hour away). I let him know we will be home at 7 and he responds "Okay."

.............................................

What would your interpretation of that conversation mean?

Cause I interpreted it to mean "Okay, I will come at 7." And I rushed us out of my parents house to get us home in time, and spent the whole car ride trying to brainstorm things Isaac and his dad could do, (amidst protests from Isaac that "my dad and I don't really play together. I just play by myself at his house."). It's always rather awkward when he comes over unless we are going to a soccer game or something. He generally just sits there flipping through his phone while I try to force them to engage in activities together.

We arrive home at 10 of 7.

7:10 I start to get annoyed but give him the benefit of the doubt because it is raining cats and dogs.

7:20 I call. Sends me to voicemail. I text him "Are you almost here?". He responds "No, it's too late." At this point I am LIVID and I just start calling him repeatedly. I HATE when someone won't pick up the phone but then texts you back. MAN UP. Answer the phone.

Finally he answers and says he never said he was coming. We rehash the whole thing and I am loathe to admit that he is technically right. He will come now if I want but it will be pushing nine when he gets here and what will be the point of that? The conversation ended with him claiming he is coming tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath and I told him this which he doesn't understand. (Hello, in the past month ALONE you are 0/2 on showing up for anything besides your regular visitation!!!)... When he is little he didn't understand but Isaac is to the age where he realizes "Hey, Daddy said he was coming and then he didn't show up." And I go into insane momma bear mode because I want to shield Isaac from any hurt but the worst part is Isaac doesn't even feel hurt. Confused maybe, but mostly indifferent. Which is almost worse. I feel like this is the kind of stuff is going to relating to a shrink when he is 20. His dad wants to have talks about the distance he feels culturally from Isaac because Isaac has my last name (which, according to him, is akin to blasphemy in his culture). HOW ABOUT THE DISTANCE YOU CREATE BY PUTTING YOUR KID LAST ALL THE TIME??? Behind the third cousins who all of a sudden needs him? Behind the high price of gas? Behind the last minute trips to NYC? And why can hebe so attentive and caring with horrible, violent kids at his work and so withdrawn from his own child?

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I'm addicted want to jump inside your love

I think I need to do something to shake up my own life.

It's spring BREAK for crying out loud and I can barely come up with anything interesting to blog about.
But... I can't stop listening to this song: And I'm not usually a big fan of those guys.

So let's see... that's music. I've been on a big documentary kick lately. Netflix has so many great ones available instantly. I think Netflix is the best 10 dollars a month I spend. At least, if I am going to continue to be as anti-social as I have been lately. Neflix has informed me that I like "cerebral" documentaries. Here's what I've seen lately:

* Very Young Girls - which is about human trafficking in the United States. Not super uplifting as you can imagine, but pretty crazy to think about. When you think of girls being forced into prostitution, you think about young girls in Thailand but it happens in the US all the time. In the US, the average age a girl is caught up in that life is 13. Very disturbing, but informative.

* Exit Through the Gift Shop - all about street art. Really good. Highly recommend.

* Confessions of a Superhero - this one was just okay. It's about 4 people who dress up as characters on Hollywood Blvd. (I've never been to Hollywood Blvd, but they do the same thing in NYC, basically panhandling in exchange for a picture). It was a little too long and the camera work kind of made me sick to my stomach in some scenes.

* Easy A - that one wasn't a documentary, but I really liked it. The writing was very clever. It was sort of a modern take on The Scarlet Letter, a book I am actually pretty familiar with. I had it as a summer reading book the summer before my senior year. I bought the Cliff's Notes and had absolutely no intention of reading it. My mom was not having that though and she would corner me daily and make me lay on the couch while she read me a chapter of it. It's not like, one of my top favorite books or anything, but I am happy that we did read it.

* In the spirit of full disclosure, I have also watching at 22 episodes of Glee that are available. This is very hypocritical after all of the smack I have talked on Glee. I still maintain it is an overrated show with pretty bad acting and ridiculous plot lines. Honestly, I fast forward a lot of the musical scenes because they are just so dumb. Anyways, I have been suckered into a few of the plot lines, so last Saturday after Isaac went to his dad's I sat on the couch and finished off all of the episodes.

Still in my queue: Freakonomics, The Business of Being Born and Tupac and Biggie. Also, I have had Waiting for Superman on my counter for more than a month, but I can't make myself watch it just yet. I'm at about my limit for criticisms of teachers for the time being.

That's all for now. Happy Easter!

Gym fail

So I ate it on the treadmill today.

I stepped off to retrieve the cap to my water bottle and without thinking stepped right back on. Not unlike this guy:

The gym was full of senior citizens and I think I gave them a good laugh. =)

we hate the Lakers... bottom line

E-mail to my friend:

Tonight he declared his favorite basketball player to be Kobe Bryant. I don't know where I went wrong as a parent.....

Friend's response:

I wouldn't worry about it - he's young. However, if he's still a Bryant fan by the time he reaches the age of reason - consider your parenting a complete failure.

cats and dogs

Even though Saturday was ridiculously rainy....

which left parts of the trail looking like this:

I still forged on with my first bike ride of the spring. =)

motherhood rants

Okay, hopefully this blog doesn't offend anyone.

It probably will.

I know I'm leaving myself open to be flamed.

Here goes: So a long time ago (like, over the summer) within the short span of a few weeks, almost all of my good friends who happened to be married (and not LDS) made statements to me about how they simply do not want children. They are all in stable marriages, fairly financially secure, etc. They are just happy being couples I guess and don't want to disrupt their lives. This was around the time when WJM/longtime college boyfriend got back in touch with me and made a similar pronouncement. He declared himself to be "too selfish" ever to have kids and expressed that he had a dog, and that was close enough to a kid (future rant blog on people who compare having pets to having kids is still to come-- that is one of my biggest pet peeves EVER. I hate when people compare the fulfillment of the relationship of a pet, to what they expect the fulfillment and/or responsibility level of having a child will be.)

I try not to judge my friends who don't want children, because I hate when people judge me for getting pregnant, but, well, I think it's a really narcissistic attitude. I don't understand why you would want to sell yourself short of the joy of having kids if you were able to. I really can't wrap my head around their choice to be willfully childless.

Although I have always knew I wanted to be a mother, and although my pregnancy was unexpected, having Isaac is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I recognize that even though I have always have a deep drive and longing to be a mother, that not everyone experiences that same feeling. I think that's fair. But I don't know, (here I go judging again) but it just seems like so many of my friends are choosing not to simply because it would require them to adopt a less self-centered lifestyle and to me that is just tragic. It's an amazing thing to have a child and realize that there is someone in the world now that you love more than you love yourself. I just feel like if you intentionally choose to not experience that on some level, then you are willingly stunting your growth of your character as a human being. There, I said it.

It feels weird to even write this, because I am so not the typical mormon girl whose life ambition is getting married at 19 and cranking out a minivan full of kids before you can even afford to move out of your parent's basement. I think women should have careers. I don't think daycare is evil. And, believe me, I am not trying to glamorize it. I vividly rememver the total shock of coming home from the hospital with the baby in the carseat red faced and screaming and realizing that nothing about my life will ever be the way it was before. You lose your ability to sleep, your privacy, to eat when you want, to live life on your own terms. Pregnancy itself is the ultimate example-- you are not even able to be the only one living in your body, which I guess is a scary thing to some. (Remember the controversial statement Jillian Michaels gave in her Women's Health interview where she said she was planning to adopt so she wouldn't "ruin" her body with pregnancy?) Children involve a lot of time, emotional giving and patience. It's hard work to be a parent and raise kids. And Isaac, is only six, I know I haven't even really gotten to the hard part yet. I get that can be overwhelming at times (believe me!!!) but gosh, in parenthood the good outweighs the bad a million times over. It's such a beautiful thing.

It just makes me a little sad that so many of my friends (for whatever reason) aren't choosing to embark on that adventure.

That's all.

My two cents (before I spend it)

Sorry, apparently I am incapable of updating el blogo more than once a week anymore. Sor-ree.

So I just finished this book . It was amazing!!!! I can't wait to discuss it at book club. Now I feel like I can't start another book, because it will just feel like a let down. A post-reinforcement pause, for my fellow ABA geeks. I had sort of gotten distracted from reading for a while, so it was good to get back into something.

So things have been pretty grim at work. The noose is tightening thanks to our fabulous govenor and losing several key grants that fund support staff. They laid off some assistants, and cut related arts (music, gym, library, art) to part time employees. There's no more tutoring. No more summer school. No more kindergarten assistant. It's really sad and it's the kids that are losing out. I feel fairly safe that my job is secure, but you really never know. It's scary to see people I work side by side with every day getting bad news. It's also made the morale at work even worse. Everytime adults are alone together (without students) that is inevitably what the conversation turns to. It's draining. Thank goodness spring break is next week. I am itching for a few days off.

Speaking of arts education, my heart about burst with pride when out of no where he turned to me and said that he liked an artist named Van Gogh and his favorite painting by Van Gogh is "Starry Night". I got a little bit teary, I'm not going to lie.

Tonight I watched "Exit Through the Gift Shop". 2 thumbs up. Definitely recommend.

I'll leave you with this video. I love the conviction in her voice. "This is my life". :-)

I have nothing to offer except my own confusion

I think that's a quote from someone else, but I can't find anyone to attribute it to. Via google at least. I feel like I don't have much to blog about these days. Things are good. Very busy, but very good. Not the stressful insanity of before. Just, good busy.

Soccer was cancelled again this weekend. Just like last weekend, Saturday was a beautiful day, but it had rained so much during the week that the fields were too soggy to play on. I ended up taking Isaac to the gym with me and got a decent workout in, which was nice. I had plans to clean and clean and clean but my brother Joe ended up randomly stopping by. We got some lunch together and then did Lowes and Home Depot. I needed furnace filters. We ended up getting the crown molding for my bedroom. My bedroom is the only room that feels majorly unfinished. It is still builders white, etc. I'm not ready for the total make-over yet, but I envision it being complete by the end of the summer. We are going to paint it, put up the crown molding, put in a ceiling fan and get some curtains up.

After we were done our shopping, we had to jet off to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. Isaac's dad was supposed to join us there, but, predictably, he cancelled at the last minute. I didn't even bother telling Isaac because I knew he wouldn't really come. This always happens. Last weekend we had such a good talk about his dad coming over and seeing Isaac and I felt like things were heading in a better direction. It never seems to last though. He had a "family meeting". I am forever pointing out how he puts obscure extended family over Isaac, who is his real flesh and blood, but I don't think it really sinks in. There is a huge Sierra Leonian independence day celebration coming up that he claims he wants to bring Isaac to. We'll see. I never hold my breath.

Anyways, the party at Chuck E Cheese wasn't too painful. I brought this book along and knocked out five chapters during the party. With a few exceptions, I find the mothers of Isaac's classmates to be cliquey, superficial and vapid. I made obligatory small talk with them, and then retreat to a table with my book. It's next May's book for my book club and it is really good. I'm not done yet, but I haven't been able to put it down.

I got a random text on my way home from the party that WJM (long time college boyfriend) was going to be out my way that evening, so I invited him over. I managed to get the house in relatively decent shape, which was good because it has been in a state of C.H.A.O.S. (can't have anyone over syndrome) for several days. I forgot that Friday morning I had set up for the builder guy to come and check on my leaking roof. It was completely mortifying to have him traipse through my house and go into Isaac's room to access the ladder. Anyways, I managed to get the place in order before he swung by.

His visit was nice enough. Although we are extremely different people now than when we were dating, our personalities are still very compatible. I think we are doing a decent job of being friends now. There were only a few awkward moments. One, when we were bantering about something and he called me the name of his ex gf after me. That didn't go over well. He also always seems to ask me about what I do for fun, or what kind of hobbies I have. I don't think he means it in a condescending way, but it always puts me on the defense. He is involved in tons of different hobbies and volunteer type stuff, and I feel like he thinks my life is a little too simple. But I mean, I'm a working, single mom. There are a lot of demands on my time. I work. I teach Sunday school. I do stuff with Isaac. I'm close with my family. I'm in a book club. I do yoga and Zumba. I go for occasional bike rides. I hang out with friends. I go out in the city. I don't know. I think I am a fun and somewhat interesting person, but he makes me feel terribly simple and boring.

Anyways, today was my Sunday to teach Sunday school (I alternate with another girl) but no one showed up. This meant I had to join the big gospel doctrine class which was.... painful. After church, we came home and I took a delicious 2 hour nap and then kept reading The Help. Then my brother Tom came over and played wii with Isaac for a little and I made delicious oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. The secret is a teaspoon of Overall, it's been a great weekend. I'm sad to see it end.

The only plus side, is I get to wear a t-shirt tomorrow. Specifically, this T-shirt for Autism Awareness month (it has the name of our elementary school on the back):

I work for a district where the kids wear uniforms (which I love, and wish that Isaac's school would adopt a uniform policy) and so we get very few casual days. I don't get to wear jeans, but wearing t-shirts at least feels like a step in the right direction. Last week we got to wear these shirts (along with teachers from across the state) sent to us by our union:

It's cheesey, I admit, but I like a little positive self talk. I *do* make a difference every day. It's the main reason why I could never work for corporate America. /endrant

We also occasionally have days when we get to wear this one: It's my favorite. I love me some Ben Franklin. The back has a quote by him: "Energy and persistence conquer all things".

Anyways, I'm back to reading and ready for a new week. How was your weekend?

Thank goodness

I can always e-harmony to provide me with endless amounts of entertainment.

Welcome to the world's most awkward profile picture ever. Look at how weird her hand is on his arm.... I don't know if you can read the caption but it says "Can't wait to go see my mother again soon". Just no.... on a million different levels....

And the profile content for this week's "matches" didn't disappoint either:

The most important thing I am looking for in a person is: Kindness? Sweetness? Show-Stopping Beauty? I kid! Sweetness isn't really necessary...

Some additional information I want you to know: I don't have any extra toes, fingers, or nipples...

The most influential person in my life has been: My best friend Tom, his wife actually thinks were having an affair! Seriously?! Keep that to yourself!!!

Some additional information I want you to know: I am a very caring, compassionate man, despite the stereotypes my profession may portray [he sells used cars]. I am very excited about meeting the woman who can not only be the Laurel to my Hardy, but also the Michele to my Barack .

And a few good typos:

Favorite Band: Linking Park

A Book I Read Recently and Enjoyed: The Great Gaspy (seriously, that one made me giggle for like 6 straight minutes) Oh boy...

something good, yeah

First of all-- a word about joyschool. I didn't realize it was a formal thing with copywrited curriculm, which raises it a few notches. The name is still cheesy as all get out though. My weekend was lovely. Friday night was low key. I had Isaac with me even though this was my weekend "off" because of his 9:30 Saturday soccer game. Which ended up being cancelled because the fields are a mess due to all the rain. Then we tried to meet his dad and a Hibachi place to try to salvage the afternoon... only to find that the place opened an hour later than the website said they did. We ended up just grabbing lunch at McDonald's.

Isaac's grandpa on his dad's side will be here soon to visit once all of the greencard stuff goes through. Isaac's dad M is from Sierra Leone (which is a country in West Africa. [Jay Z Kanye West rapped about it but blogger won't let me put in a link....}) Anyways, it will be the first time we will be meeting one of M's immediate family members, so that is kind of exciting. Isaac knows that his dad is from Africa but I want him to start having a better idea of what that means.

I made the trek out to my parent's house to watch Conference there. It was lovely. I had to straight from there to meet Isaac at the meeting spot, so I went a different way than usual, through Intercourse PA (go ahead and giggle!) .

I was a little low on gas and was relieved to find a Wawa (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-- who knew they had one in Lancaster County?!). It was bad enough last weekend to tell the AAA lady I was broken down on the side of the road in Blue Ball. If I had to call again to tell them I was stuck in Intercourse, they might think tag me as some kind of weirdo.

So Isaac is a huge Michael Jackson fan. We were at the grocery store recently when he was like "Hey mom! Watch this!" He did a little spin and then attempted this move: I almost peed my pants.

Anyways, I'm out of things to say, and I have to make sure I am out the door on the early side tomorrow to prepare for an IEP meeting at 8. Hope you had a nice weekend!