I stole the above picture from my Aunt Kathy's facebook and some random ones below from the photographers facebook page. I didn't take a single picture and so I will have to collect them from around.
(yes that's totally me in the front... and I totally caught it... and we totally planned it)
(yes that's totally me in the front... and I totally caught it... and we totally planned it)
I keep sitting down to try to blog about the whirlwind that was my sister's wedding (parts 1 and 2), but nothing really wants to come. Honestly, the entire thing made me terribly emotional and it's hard to begin to try to put those emotions into words but here goes.
Thoughts on stuff beyond the actual wedding
(disclaimer, I really do love Drew and his family really is wonderful. These are my own issues...)
I know you are supposed to think about a wedding not as losing a sister but as gaining a brother. Drew is a lovely person and I am excited that he is now a part of our family. But I feel (irrationally, I will admit) sad about Jenny becoming a part of their family. Does that make sense? It's no secret that I hate the fact that my sister lives across the country and only is able to come home for like two weeks a year. It's hard to not have her around for the big stuff (graduations, Isaac's birth) and the stuff like birthday dinners or family get togethers, or just to hang out with. Last summer she lived with me for part of the summer, the longest she has come home for since she left for college, and it was the best summer ever. Anyways, especially at the North Carolina reception I found myself terribly anxious as the realization hit me that she now has obligations to another family too, and the time we spend together will likely be even less. For every two weeks of vacation, one week will likely be spent in North Carolina. *Sigh*
Blending two families can be hard. His family was really all about the mixing it up with our family with copious Harlos/Stephenson bonding and togetherness. I'm not going to lie, that's not how my family rolls and in some ways (in my head) it just felt a bit like an invasion; a little too familiar. It felt uncomfortable to hear Drew's parents describing Jenny's life to people as a slideshow of snapshots from her childhood flashed on a tv screen at their reception, or to hear his aunt knowlingly say "Jennifer doesn't eat chocolate". I just wanted to scream out "You don't even know her!!!" I know, it makes no sense.
I guess I have an irrational fear that every future encounter with my sister with have to include 2923 of her in-laws vying for her attention, or be limited to one little encounter a year; that somehow her getting married has forever altered the relationship I have with her as my sister. I cried and cried in the car when we left North Carolina. (Actually, I started crying when we said our good-byes at a breakfast with the extended Harlos family, in front of everyone... which was awkward. It was all of these emotions that I have been trying to describe and they just all hit me and then to have to say good-bye in front of everyone and not know when I will even see her again and it just call came out in ugly sobs and huge tears).
Incidently, it feels very selfish to even write about this, like I am making my sister's wedding all about me or something. I promise I recognized that the wedding was all about her and I did my best to get along with everyone and mix and mingle with the in-laws.
So anyways, I'm aware that I sound like total crazy person. I know this is a natural part of life and growing up. I do. But it's hard. Anyone else out there ever felt this way? You can comment anonymously if you'd rather. I'm thinking I can't be alone in having trouble adjusting with the change in family dynamics brought on by a marriage. But who knows.
5 comments:
I can empathize in part. When I graduated from college Randon took me to Disneyland for a week. My mom called on day 2-3 of our trip and squealed to me that she was engaged. From that night until a little while after she got married, I was a complete wreck. I was being dethroned as the favorite, her best friend and only daughter (she gained 7 more kids in the marriage, including 4 girls). I just knew that things wouldn't be the same and that I'd have to share my mom and my relationship with her with all these other people that, while they're nice, they're outsiders. I didn't pick them to be my family members, and still don't claim them as family 4 years later. They tried to assimilate me and my brothers into their normal big, loud, family dynamic, but we've all resisted; that's not the way our family is. Snooty? Perhaps. But there it is. We're friendly, but we don't have to be best friends or anything.
The fall out? My relationship with my mom is different, but much the same as it ever was. I'm still her favorite and her only daughter. Even though I know she loves her husband and his big family, I know that I have my own special place carved out because of the years and experiences we share that are ONLY mine and hers. And we don't have to share those, or pretend that they didn't happen with others are around. It took a while (somewhere during that first year, I think) for me to realize that my spot in my mom's life was safe and not in jeopardy like I'd feared.
Hang in there. And if you can get away for a week in Hawaii, I totally recommend it. It helped take my mind off of things and relax. :)
As a bride, two years ago, it was one of the hardest things I did was to marry my husband, but at the same time it is one of my best decisions. It is hard going to his family for holidays when we could go to my family. It is hard having to choose between the two. I love them both dearly. Change is difficult. Change is very difficult.
It will be different, but at the same time, you will create new memories and special times. I know I look forward to each moment I spend with my family...even the phone conversations.
Sisterly love never leaves.
It's funny that everyone always talks about how happy and joyous weddings are - which is true, they are. But no one likes to talk about all the underlying emotions that are less attractive.
It's challenging, everyone reacts differently and honestly the first year or two, it's a lot of guessing, trying to making people happy, not piss off the other family, yet retain some semblance of your own.
Short version - it's difficult for all involved, no one wants to talk about it and it takes a while till things fall into a new normal. It's very very common. No one just wants to talk about it. Hang in there - it gets better or at least more normal as time wears on.
Hey Lisa! This is your childhood friend, Emily Henrichsen. I recently found your blog.
I know exactly how you feel about your sister getting married. I went through it with three of my older sisters (the fourth I was only six when she got married and I wasn't really concerned about our relationship). I had a hard time sharing my brothers too. It is hard and your relationship does change because your family is not always number one to your sister anymore. It took me awhile to adjust to it with my sisters and there is still occasional feelings of jealousy. My brother actually didn't like my sister's husband for awhile because of these same feelings. It's not fun to have to share family, especially when it's YOUR sister. It does get easier after some time. Good luck and I think your feelings are totally natural.
you will find new footing and the changes will probably be more subtle than you think. everything seems so huge right now and that is normal. let the dust settle-i bet everything will be fine. if its not, talk to her and see what you guys can figure out. i am sure your relationship is extremely important to her as well.
even though it was planned-its cool that you caught the bouquet. :) i have only caught one and i was a teenager.
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