"on a break"

Did any relationship ever go "on a break" before these two??

One of these days I will probably get in real trouble for oversharing on the internet...

But until then, I'll keep writing:

PDH and I had a talk earlier in the week and it became clear that I felt we were "broken up" while he feels that we are "on a break".

????

Confused? Yeah me too .

I don't really understand the difference but basically he wants "time and space" but he can't define time and space. Are we talking weeks? Months? He doesn't know.

Okay.

And what about space? Evidently talking (even daily) is okay, and hanging out (on his time table of course) is still okay. But he doesn't know how often that will be.

Okay....

So basically he wants things to be the same as they have been (at the end) except I can't complain that I am unhappy with things because "we're on a break" instead of "in a relationship". I can sit around and hope for a good night phone call, but I'm no longer entitled to expect one.

Oh and here's the real kicker. Being on a break evidently also means not dating other people.

So, yeah .........

...... that doesn't really work for me.

I mean, it's not like I have a line of eligible bachelor's waiting outside my door (I'm envisioning the blowing away nanny scene from Mary Poppins and then PDH descending from the sky holding small black umbrella...). Far from it.

But on the other hand, I'm not going to just twiddle my thumbs indefinitely stuck in some ambiguous relationship limbo while PDH tries to decide if he wants to be together or not. If it's not going to work out let's not keep dangling the hope of reconciliation. Let's cut our losses and start the whole process of "moving on".

So pretty much I am NOT a fan of "being on a break".

What the heck is the point? When I was aloof and unsure in the summer, he couldn't get enough of me. Now that I've committed and want to be with him in a REAL relationship, all of a sudden he needs time and space.

So we continue to be at at impasse.

I do continue to care about him. I think the things that strained our relationship the past month or so are things that could be improved with better communication on both of our parts.

BUT I continue to be unwilling to compromise on certain things (like actually hanging out together on more than a monthly basis). I'm not going to change the core of who I am and what I need from a partner.

I am willing to give him time and space if that's what he feels that he needs to evaluate from a distance.

But... I won't guarantee I will just be here sitting and waiting if/when he is ready for me.

So there you go.

Rocking out to the Black Eye Peas... Apple's got nothing on us...

Here's a few more for fun...

He totally struck this pouty pose with no prompting from me and even said that his "tie" made him feel "stylish"... (Someone's been watching too many Project Runway reruns with mommy on Saturday afternoons...) After this picture was taken he began to slather lotion on his face to make himself more "fabulous". =)

And of course the fur babies...

why??

Would you use a picture of yourself wearing socks with flip-flops as your default picture on a dating website? Gross..

Life soundtrack 2/25

I finally got one of those feed tracker things.

I had no idea there were so many people reading this blog.... Sheesh.

Sorry that, despite my frequent updates, I put such little effort into making it entertaining.

Apparently, you're still reading for whatever reason, so wow, I'm kind of flattered..

(Feel free to comment.)

So anyways,I feel really good today. Here's a few reasons why:

• I'm back in a routine. I crave and thrive on routine. The unexpected snow days and extra ridiculously long vacation were sort of fun, but it is nice to be back on track with the predictableness of life again. Being snowbound for more than 24 hours is just never a good thing for one's mental state. Thankfully, the snow is melting and all is back to normal.
• This post on motherhood from Leah. I didn't ask her permission first, so I hope it's okay to link up. I found her thoughts to be pretty insightful.
• I found my i-pod which has been lost for a few weeks (it was under the love seat in case you were interested). And I excercised tonight! I really need to excercise more because, man, endorphins make you just feel happy.
• Isaac and I actually had a playdate tonight which was lovely! I'm rather embarassed to admit that I can count the playdates Isaac has had in his whole lifetime on one hand, mostly due to my own anti-socialness. My very best friend growing up, the fabulous Kathleen, has recently moved back to the area with her three daughters. We met up at the big indoor playground at Pottstown McDonald's. Although Isaac was intially leery of hanging out with girls, he really hit it off with Kathleen's oldest. When we left he was like "I was thinking we should have them over to our place to play soon". I was thinking that same thing!
• Also, she and I agreed we would both love to do a babysitting swap. We haven't ironed out the details yet, but I'm pretty excited. It would be lovely to have someone I feel 100% comfortable with who lives only 15 mins away available to watch Isaac on occasion. And I would love to watch her girls so that she could recharge.
• I have recently learned of some pretty tough situations that some people in my life are just quietly and strongly dealing with. It makes me feel a little foolish for my catastrophic thinking over some pudge around my thighs, a fairly empty bank account and a little loneliness due to my geographic location. I mean, gosh, there are so many good things in my life to be grateful about and happy for. I make decent money at a job I really enjoy. I have health insurance. I have my own place. I have a reliable car. I have an awesome family.
• Also, I'm feeling pretty good about Isaac's dad right now. Over the years we've been all over the map, and I have been incredibly hard on him in some instances. But he has always supported Isaac and stood by him and has made a lot of sacrifices so that I could achieve my goals when Isaac was younger. I have to hand it to him also as far as Isaac's birthday is concerned, he totally planned a party for Isaac at Chuck E Cheese (a place I will rarely set foot in, especially on a Saturday) and came through with a bright red TWO WHEELER as a birthday present!

So things are good. I'm good.

And on that note, I will leave you with tonight's soundtrack from my life, courtesy of the fierce Mary J Blige...

Quick update

• I've never been a fan of crime type shows but can't stop watching Criminal Minds. Probably because it is so psychological. And they always start the next episode as soon as the first one is finished so you get sucked in watching episode after episode.

I want to be Garcia:

• I was social and went out with a friend Friday; King of Prussia Mall H&M, Urban Outfitters, and DSW = fantastic Friday. I oogled somethings in Urban Outfitters home section, but I didn't ultimately buy anything. Then we finished up our evening at California Pizza Kitchen. It was fun. While I was out with her she persuaded me to try out her adult gymnastics class. It's on Wednesdays which is the night mom sleeps over, so it would actually be doable. I am 98% certain I will feel ridiculous attempting the recreate the gymnastics moves I had perfected as a kid. I'm not sure how my chubby out of shape body will take to it, but she assures me there are all different ability/fitness levels, so I am willing to give it a try. I need some new things in my life and if it helps me be a tiny bit more physically active instead of laying around all day cooking under the laptop, that's a good thing, right?

• Speaking of physical activities I used to be into, my church is now offering a kickboxing class on Thursday nights. I would love to go to that as well since it's free and the teacher just recently had a baby, so I'm thinking it shouldn't be all people in spandex with rock hard abs. Swinging a sitter is the only thing, because in typical Relief Society style, they said to have your husband stay home to watch the kids. *Sigh*.

Back to school tomorrow....

Freakin best band ever...

Tonight's Theme Song: Time and Time Again from August and Everything After

Blah...

I have no money, no life and the only way I can cheer myself up is to be a hater on the internet.

BUT

Tomorrow is Friday. Isaac is on his way to his dad's for a fun weekend of birthday activities and I'm trying to get my own plans in order. Although I'm a little down, there's no reason for me to be living like the Unabomber. I don't necessarily feel in the mood for extreme social butterflyism, but I can at least make an effort to see people that I don't normally see this week. I'm looking forward to it....

on to more important things

Things that make me happy (in no particular order):

All of the Stephenson Men

I could write a blog devoted to each person in this picture. The men in my family are so incredible to me and Isaac and I love them each so much. No matter what, they each go out of their way to make sure that Isaac and I are taken care of and have what we need.

My brother's girlfriend Hayley and the absolutely INCREDIBLE cake she brought for Isaac's bowling birthday.

She works in a bakery and brought this home from work. I've never seen anything like the detail in the Spiderman. The picture doesn't even do it justice. Amish Buggies

Whenever I'm at my mom's place I see at least three or four. This one is going right down their street. I love that buggy parking is just as common at banks, grocery stores, and Rita's Water as car parking. They live in such a cute sleepy little town.

Newly organized handbags.

My brother Joe came over on President's Day to paint Isaac's bedroom and he helped me with a lot of random projects around the house. I had the smaller set of hooks in my closet for a while, but it could only barely hold all my bags. Now that I have the larger row on top everything looks neat and tidy inside my closet. I love it.

This picture is finally hung up!

This proportions in this photo turned out a little wierd but I think you get the gist. I've had that propped up against the living room wall forever. First we needed to paint the living room (see-- it's not blindingly white anymore! Another room painted with salvaged paint, this time leftovers from Joe's hallways.) Then we didn't have the right anchors. Then we were missing a stud finder {INSERT OBVIOUS SINGLE GIRL JOKE HERE}. But it's up and it's fabulous. The living room is coming together slowly but surely and that makes me very happy.

My diploma is hung!

Along the same lines. My Master's Degree has been hung in the office for a while but my Pitt Diploma has been just sitting in the office closet, which is such a shame. So I put it up in the hallway over the weekend (and it is straight although you can't tell from the picture).

"subtle" youtube videos in place of blog titles...

This song makes me crank up the radio and car dance at red lights. . Poor Isaac. I wonder how long till he finds out that having your mom break into song and dance to the latest pop music is not really the norm. One thing I really miss about blogging at Myspace is all of their privacy settings. You could set certain entries to be viewed by anyone, or just certain people or whatever. I want to keep my blog open to anyone who cares to click on it, but I am pretty certain that like 70% of my readership is my mom and her friends. So how candid and real do I want to be when I’m writing to that audience? Eh. We’ll see. On the other hand, I enjoy blogging and the occasional "hey, girl, you're not crazy, I'm right here with you" comment that is tossed my way. And I know personally I would rather read something that is real, rather than the standard "So blessed!!" picture blogs.

So we'll see.

Let the trainwreck continue...

A few years ago I was blog stalking an ex boyfriend and stumbled across an entry about me, posted maybe a year or two after we called it quits. It did not mention me by name but it was very obvious (to me at least) that he was referring to me/our relationship/my imperfections. It was not pleasant to read. But fair is fair. Those were/are his opinions and his blog and and how can I be angry when I went looking for it?

I think you can tell where I am going with all of this.

Anyways, without further adieu....

I was pretty freaking generous in my last entry about the demise of the relationship between PDH and myself. We broke up because pretty much since I am doing 90% of the work and rather than address issues he'd rather put our relationship on indefinite hiatus. I mean, at least have the balls to really just end it with me. I guess I have to learn not to put all my eggs in one basket, I can be a terribly trusting person. I feel a bit blindsided because it seemed like one day everything was fine and then all of a sudden everything is just not what I thought. I'm under no delusions - I don't expect a relationship to be effortless, especially one with all of the issues I detailed in the last entry - but there are some basic things that shouldn't be an issue. Interest, for me, is one of those. The person you are dating should be someone you are interested in occasionally spending time with. So is being true to your word. If you say you're going to do something, do it, and if you're not interested, just say that. I can't take uncertainty and the confusion. From now on, I feel like that's going to be my first question.

I’m also left questioning the integrity of someone puts themselves out there by joining a dating site, who bothered to take the time to become friends with me first and pursued me while I was unsure if I was ready to date and slowly peeled back my layers until I let down my emotional guard. I just don’t understand how that same person suddenly seems to have no interest in putting in more than the absolute bare minimum of effort required to maintain a relationship. Why suddenly spending time together ranks below having your car tinkered with and watching Olympic hockey. Really? Really?!

(And, I'm just going to state the obvious here: this is why I am honestly terrified by the brief courtships and engagements of so many of my lds friends. How the heck can you really know someone till you have been with them for at least a year?)

The worst part is I feel like our relationship has turned me into a pathetic, desperate crybaby. And that's never been me....

meh...

Anyways, this blog will be back to it's regular od format of failed attempts at domesticity in about a week or so...

Until then, it's going to be a little heavy on the Alanis around here...

Oh and then there's that...

Gosh, the focus of this blog seems to have shifted from my failed attempts at domesticity to my (failed) adventures in dating while juggling life as a single mom. The single mom part is cake. You roll with it. You adapt. You make it work. It's the dating part that's so complicated.

Blah.

I knew this would happen once I acknowledged our relationship here and on social networking sites. I couldn't help myself though, we had been quietly seeing each other for over six months, I thought I was safe.... So PDH and I had a long talk (actually iniated by me) and decided that although we don't want to break up with one another, being together is kind of a lot of work right now. Reasons Being Together is a kind of a Lot of Work Right Now:

• We live roughly, one hour apart.
• He works nights and some weekends. I work weekdays during the day.
• It is a rare day when I can do anything spontaneously.
• And spontaneous urges to hang out are mostly squashed when we remember that for one of us to drive to the other's place, that person will spending two hours commuting in the car that night. And the non-commuting person will most likely be getting up for work the next day.
• My three most reliable babysitters (my mom, Isaac's dad, my brother) live about an hour away from me, but in different directions and not the same direction as PDH lives. Which means two hours of driving to hang out is often pre-empted by an hour each way to drop Isaac off at the babysitter's house. (Before someone suggests it-- I can't get a teenager from church to babysit, because I would have to wake Isaac up to take her home, which makes no sense. Also, I'm broke, so I need someone who is willing to do it for free).

* Related side-note: I've concluded that although my house is fab and convenient to work, it is close to ABSOLUTELY nothing else and it's really a problem.

• The stars only align that I will have a sitter and he will be off work at most a few times a month which makes me feel bad because I don't feel like it is enough time together and makes him feel guilty when other things he needs/wants to do crowd out potential "date times". And I know how that is. When I worked nights and weekends at Melmark it just felt like there were so many things that had to be missed because of work that sometimes I would feel like life was sort of passing me by.

Anyways...

Our situation is what it is and it seems we have sort of come to an impasse. We both care about and like each other but logistically dating seriously is not working out so well. We concluded that we are on sort of a dating hiatus for a while. Maybe in the spring/summer it will be easier to date.

Or not.

Who knows?

Of course I'm sad.

And the timing was sort of icky being Valentine's and all.

But I'm also sort of relieved.

So that's that.

Now we all know.

Feel free to comment about it here.

Feel free to NOT comment about in person.

(Don't worry, I haven't abandoned my emotional slogan for 2010; I can still have it all.)

"No fatties, no hamsters"

Before e-harmony...

good friends

I just got off the phone from a fabulous conversation with a good girlfriend that I don't see or talk to nearly as often as I should. It totally lifted my spirits! We met at our old job at Melmark, and though we have both moved on since from there we have stayed in touch and are both still in the field of special ed. I often call to bounce ideas off of her about kids in my classroom and a couple of times I have ended up being a teacher to a child she knows or has worked with. I am sad to say I was prompted to make the phone call initially to pick her brain about an eating protocol for one of my students. We ended up spending an hour catching up on all of the good stuff in each other's lives and it left me feeling really revived.

That has been the hardest part of my move. I'm just far enough away from all of my friends that we don't really see each other anymore. And it seems like every time we have a potential date/time to hang out something jeopardizes it. But I feel invigorated to prioritize good girlfriends into my life again. It's so important.

What do you do to make time for your girlfriends?

Obligatory Blizzard Post (Part Two)

So there is like 4 feet of snow on the ground. And good old Pottstown still hasn't cancelled school for tomorrow. Gotta love it. Here's a look at our day (being snowbound for the second time in a week). We're hanging. Getting bundled up to go outside. Extra socks, scarf, snow pants, boots, winter jacket, hat and gloves. Approximate time to put on clothes: 20 minutes Approximate time spent playing in the snow: 10 Minutes

Repeat process 3-4 times.

When we finally threw in the towel with shoveling, we had a chocolate craving so we had to make some chocolate chocolate chip cookies (recipe found here -- delicious!!!):

And Cody Pablo is still chilling...

How did you pass the time on this snowy day?

Hard stuff

As a disclaimer of sorts: I think I am PMSing because I made and ate half a pan of brownies today and I have been looking at old baby pictures of Isaac and getting weepy for long stretches. Also, since this post was drafted after being snowed in alone for over 30 straight hours an is being completed on the eve of being snowed in for at least that long again, it might be influenced by a touch of cabin fever.

Lots of thoughts swirling around in my head right now. I'll try to put them out there in a way that is coherant and hopefully not (too) offensive to anyone....

I was flipping channels and stopped on a reunion special for the cast of MTV's 16 and Pregnant Teen Mom reality show. I've never watched the show. I don't generally watch MTV and I think the concept of the show sounds exploitative. Also, the reunion was being hosted by Dr. Drew who I think is a total nut.

Anyhow, it caught my eye initially because apparently one of the girls featured on the show had placed her baby for adoption. She was still featured on the show, even though she was not parenting her baby and they showed a lot of emotional footage that hooked me. For any readers that don't know, adoption was an option I considered very seriously for the duration of my pregnancy and although that was not the route I ultimately took, I have a tender and raw place in my heart for the process of adoption and specifically for birthmothers. She and her boyfriend spoke very eloquently about their decision and I was entranced.

After her segment was over they moved onto a different girl. Evidently, she is the only one who is raising her baby alone, without any involvement from the baby's father. Her clip package showed her having fights with her mother about her involvement with her baby. Apparently she was trying to date and go out with her friends too often and was always leaving her daughter behind. She spoke about how she struggled to find that balance between school and work and parenting and her wish to find a partner.

Dr. Drew asked her about her desire to find someone to be with romantically. She was obviously choked up and teary as she described that she wished she had someone to be her partner but that she was grateful to have her family as a support system. Dr. Drew of course can't leave well enough alone and continued to lay into her, "Don't you wish someone was there on your behalf? Do you think you'll ever find a partner?

She got very teary even more emotional and just shook her head very sadly. Dr. Drew decided to stop torturing her and did say something along the lines of "You deserve someone who will care about you and your daughter." She started to weep and said "I guess there is no one like that out there". And you could tell she 100% believed that she would be alone forever.

Although the intensity of the feelings this girl ( I believe her name was Farrah) are surely magnified by her young age, the feelings she expresses I think are universal for all single moms. I have felt it many, many times. A hopelessness that you will be alone forever and that you are not desirable.

Especially those of us in the pressure cooker of Mormon Culture where all you hear all the time is marriage, marriage, marriage. Where the bishop's wife pulls you aside and says that she knows this divorced girl with a car full of kids who found her spouse on the internet, so "there's still hope for you". A culture where every single lesson that has to do with marriage will have the old quotation about those are not married in this life shall have that opportunity in the next. And you feel like the teacher is staring you down and looking right into your soul as he quotes it.

Or maybe that's just me.

Although the church does take a pretty hard stance on single parenting. The official preference when an unmarried girl finds herself pregnant is that the two parents get married. When marriage is not an option then adoption is the recommended course of action. Although officially it is "an individual decision", LDSFS provides you with a million statistics that are all designed to assure you that if you chose to parent your baby you will end up living in poverty, your child will be more likely to be abused or psychologically maladjusted, you will end up on government assistance, you're denying your child priesthood blessings, and worst of all, NO ONE WILL EVER MARRY YOU. (Seriously, check out the website, I am in no way exaggerating and the stuff they give you when you are meeting with them is even worse. I'm seriously trying to stay on topic and not sidetrack this into a whole different rant about LDSFS). So yeah. You are explicitly told that you will most likely be alone and unmarryable.

And it's hard not to internalize those messages that you are undesirable and worthless because you chose to parent your child.

And my heart broke for this teen girl.

Because who is anyone to tell us that we are less worthy than other people?

Yes, it's a tough road and a terrifically lonely one. But when you find yourself in a crisis pregnancy there are no good easy options. Only terribly hard ones. But just because you made a mistake does not mean that you deserve to pay for that mistake for the rest of your life. It doesn't mean that you aren't deserving of happiness.

And I'm not putting up with those messages anymore.

So I'm declaring it officially now in my blog.

I can have it all. I. CAN. HAVE. IT. ALL.

And anyone who tells me otherwise can go straight to hell.

Two Fridas

Feeling nostaglic...

Isaac Matthew, I love you with my whole heart. I can't imagine my life without you in it...

Obligatory Blizzard Post

I'm seriously craving some time at the Jershey shore. I don't need a tropical island. I'm content to take a ride down the AC Expressway to sit around in Ocean City.

And to my neighbor's-- it's time for you to take down your "Welcome Fall" flag. You know, since it's buried under 2 feet of snow.

I can't take anymore of weather like this:

Shoveling sucks. There is at least two feet of snow on my driveway and I gave up after about 45 mins. I'll go back out later...

Maybe....

Isaac is at his dad's for the weekend and since obviously I am not going anywhere I've been trying to not go crazy here. Other than the nieghbor's kids that rang my bell to offer to shovel my driveway (sadly I had no cash...) I haven't seen or interacted with another live person in over 24 hours. Lonely...

I've been quite lazy today. My attempt at organizing the office was thwarted when I inspired to make this:

I really need a mantle for projects like that.