it's my blog and I can rant if I want to

(Warning: church rant ahead, heavy with LDS terminology. Those of you of non-LDS background probably will wanna skip this one): I've been feeling very grumpy about church stuff lately. I'm getting tired of being the YSA rep mostly because accepting that calling obligates me to attend all of the YSA stuff, which is sort of a lot. Plus, I'm supposed to invite others and really encourage them to go and it's like, could I be any more of a hypocrite? It is pretty off-putting to be nearly 30 and still be obligated to go to chaperoned "activities" like I did when I was 13. Not to mention, the only other person who regularly comes to any of the activities is a guy is on the autism spectrum and is moderately impaired. I'm just going to come out and say it: I don't want to give up a Monday night to go play boardgames with someone who is, essentially, very annoying. I know this is cold and I'm probably going straight to hell, but.... sometimes I have it in me to be patient and inclusive and advocating for acceptance of people with differing abilities, and sometimes, I just don't. On the other hand, the YSA thing is about the only niche I have in my current ward. At least the people assigned to oversee the program and teach the YSA SS class actually know who I am and have taken a marginal interest in me and provide some kind of connection on sundays. Relief Society is a sea of power wheelchairs and walkers and the activities are all luncheons that are held on a weekday afternoons. With no nursery of course. And I know what you all are thinking! On the one hand I'm complaining that the ward doesn't acknowledge any other types of women beyond "ladies who lunch", but on the other hand, I'm asked to help build up a program for people who don't fit into a mold of a "typical LDS twenty-somthings" and I'm complaining about that too. I told you, I'm grumpy about church lately. Plus, I don't want to turn into someone who is a total flake about callings. And I was a total flake about the last one I had: Relief Society chorister which was a total nightmare. What I know about leading music can be written on the head of a pin. I gave it a few attempts but I would break out in a cold sweat when I had to stand up there in front of them. I just felt so clumsy and stupid. So I just started not coming to RS until after the opening hymn was done. After about a month of that I just finally told them it wasn't working out and I was happy to keep selecting the hymns, but I didn't want to conduct them. Since conducting hymns is pretty much the main part of being the chorister, they agreed to release me. I was also asked to speak in sacrament meeting after nearly two years of flying unnoticed under the radar. I was also feeling fairly grumpy about that, but the talk I am assigned to speak on is actually pretty decent, so I am warming up to the idea more. Anyways, church rant over.