sooo.....

So Isaac and I went bowling today and had a great time. As I returned home I saw two Mormon missionaries trekking down our street. I figured I would honk and wave but then I realized they were walking up my driveway. There was no avoiding them so I greeted them and invited them up into my less than clean house complete with a huge trail of ants in the middle of my kitchen from some popcorn that was dropped earlier.

I wasn't entirely sure how they got my name/information because they said they I had met with the missionaries before, which wasn't accurate. They didn't even know that I was a member or really anything about me, so I guess I wasn't necessarily on some "MEMBERS OF CONCERN" list they were handed at a sunday morning meeting.

They were extremely nice and ridiculously sincere, but it's always a little awkward to have someone you just met ten minutes earlier ask you about the frequency of your personal prayers and scripture study and why I haven't gone through the temple. They tried to do their best to give me pat, easy responses to the things that I told them I struggle with. ("Do you like icecream?... Well how did you know you would like icecream before you ever tasted it? You didn't until you tried it!") I give them an A for effort though. I am certain that the one was closer to 19 than 20 and the other one tried to relate the alienation I feel as a single mom in a family ward to the alienation he felt as a college freshman attending Elder's Quorum for the first time.... yeah.

It's hard to even work through the feelings I have within my own mind, let alone articulate them to a couple of missionaries from Idaho. Would I probably feel more like a part of things if anyone would have made any kind of effort to talk to me or get to know me the first year I attended church in my new ward? Yes. But ultimately will I ever feel fully included in any ward at church? No. I don't fit in anywhere and I probably never will. My parental status leaves me not single enough for the single ward (which is an hour away) and not traditional enough for the family ward. I'm too old for YSA crowd but too young for SA stuff (not that I am interested in that crowd at all). I usually leave church feeling lonelier and more depressed than before I came, which, honestly, doesn't really motivate me to want to go on the weeks I don't have Isaac or have to teach Sunday School. But, do consider the church and it's teachings to be true? Yes, I do. I mean, if I had to choose between "yes" and "no" I would choose "yes". So that's where I'm at.

So anyways, I don't think anything they have in their arsenal of scripted role plays prepared them for that conversation, but they sure tried hard. I assured them that I would make a better effort, took their primary-style Book of Mormon reading chart and promised that they would see me tomorrow (reminding them, that I do teach Sunday School and more often than not, I am at church). It wasn't until after they left that I remembered that even having them come inside my house was probably breaking mission rules with me being single and all (but that's a whole different blog). Oops.

I'm disabling comments on this one. Just want to put my feelings down a bit, not really looking for feedback.

WILW

Reading! I've been tearing through a ton of Jennifer Weiner and I've almost knocked out The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins. I haven't been able to put them down. I also got a big package from Amazon yesterday with books for the next four months of book club so I'm excited to keep that up.

My new highlights. I finally have gotten my hair back to a brown I don't despise but I had her put in a few highlights for fun. It's so nice to finally have my roots touched up-- I don't think I can pull off the two tone look as well as SJP.

Chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. Yummy.

These new shoes. They are pretty boring looking, but they will replace a totally worn out pair I wear to school all the time. They are brand new and I picked them up from a thrift store for 4.50!

This song/routine that we have been doing the past few weeks. You really get to channel your inner diva and throw around a ton of attitude. I love it.

Thanks for stopping by...

...Fourth of July....

First of all, how amazing is this cake that Hayley brought home from the bakery where she works? The burger is airbrushed rice krispy treat. It was so cute we almost felt bad eating it.

So Isaac has been begging for an escape to the beach. Finally, Thursday we had nothing planned, so I thought, why not? We had swim lesson in the morning and then we got on the road. I thought leaving around 11 would ensure that we would miss traffic but it was terrible the whole way there. Evidently President Obama was in town and there was also a Phillies game. Isaac was a trooper though and once we finally got over the bridge to Jersey we found Ocean City to be quite deserted and the perfect temperature.

We made sure we had plenty of time in the water and in the sand....

Isaac was so cute. He kept saying "This is fun, but the beach is more fun with your whole family." Then we did the old get changed with a towel wrapped around you trick (well, Isaac did. Not me!)

Of course we couldn't leave Ocean City without hitting the boardwalk. We went on a few rides....

and I almost got sick on the tilt-a-whirl, a sign that I am surely becoming really old. We also got some food, although we didn't sample what seems to be the big trend this summer:

A friend of mine assures me they are "life changing" but I don't want to find out.... There were also tons of crafty stuff. I took pictures of them to tuck away in my "things-I-could-probably-make-cheaper-if-only-I-had-the-time-and-motivation" file.

And of course, what would the Jersey shore be without the T-shirts? This was one of my favorites.

It was a lovely day. Hopefully we will be able to get down there a few more times before the summer slips away....

I'm out of control...

Ugh. Isaac's dad and I have been fighting the last few days and it has really been bringing me down. Last night we had a big explosion and I am still reeling from it.

The conversation started off okay but unravelled quickly. Within 15 minutes I was straight up screaming at him at the top of my lungs. He pushes my buttons in a way that literally no one else does. I am not a confrontational person at all. I would normally bend over backward to avoid conflict or discord. But any percieved criticism from him puts me on the defense and even though he has never raised his voice to me, or even used rough language, it seems that is is only a matter of time until I have totally lost all composure with him and am screaming like a lunatic and totally out of control.

The fight was a continuation of a fight that started the day before and really is a continuation of the same old fight it feels like we have been having forever. Yesterday morning I suggested that since we obviously both feel strongly about certain things and clearly we do not communicate well with each other and we both feel the other doesn't understand our own point of view, perhaps we should see some kind of counselor that could help us work through some of the big sticking points. Of course, he refused, saying he doesn't need any help and if I would just accept the things he wants completely there wouldn't be a problem. Cause clearly THAT's worked well for the past seven years. The things we are arguing over are things that can't easily be changed or compromised on, things that are extremely important to each of us. We both have dug in our heels and feel that the other won't see things from our point of view. I feel that I am willing to compromise on certain issues, but he is not willing to compromise at all.

The one issue I have proposed a compromise on is the same old arguement over Isaac's last name. We both would like Isaac to have our last name. Currently, Isaac only has one last name, which is mine. I am willing to hyphenate so he has both of our last names. He wishes for Stephenson to be Isaac's middle name and won't hear of anything different or consider any compromise. I keep trying to explain to him that the same reasons he feels strongly about Isaac having his last name are the same reasons that I feel strongly about him keeping mine. And also, really, it's already been done and he can't make me change it. But he just keeps repeating it over and over like it's a new idea that we have never talked about before "Isaac will have my last name and Stephenson will be his middle name". Not "what if" or "how about" or "it would mean a lot to me if" just "you will do this" which of course makes me say "To hell with you, I'll do whatever I want." He can't understand why I feel just as strongly as he does that he keeps my last name as well. His attitude was just the last straw and I totally lost it and started shouting and ranting like a crazy woman. Living in a townhouse, I am sure my neighbor's heard everything. He icily said that he thought we should end the conversation now while he could still be the bigger person, before he stooped to my level. Which, I mean, is true. I would never tolerate him treating me the way I end up treating him. I concluded the conversation by screaming and hurling the phone across the room.

I am so ashamed and disappointed with myself. After we fight, I think back to the conversations and so much of what I have said was so combative and unnecessary, just me lashing out in an effort to hurt him before he hurts me. These arguments bring out the very worst side of me. I am always berating him for being over the top passive aggressive (which he is). But in a way, how can I even blame him for not want to bring issues to the table, because it is very rare that I can discuss anything in a rational way. I think I need to go to a counselor. Even if M refuses to come with me to have a neutral party be a mediator, at least maybe a counselor could give me some tips on how to handle these conversations when they do arise and give me some strategies to use or something. The level of anger that I am unloading during these arguements is scary and intense. Clearly I need a healthier way to release the emotions that are bottled up inside me.

So that's that. Ick.

The Italian Stallion

Paulie: [about Adrian] She's pushing thirty freaking years old, and if she don't wise up, she's gonna die an old maid.

Rocky: I'm thirty myself!

So Philadelphia has a huge celebration around the fourth of July with tons of free events, concerts, food, fireworks, etc. They do a few outdoor movies at different parks and one of them is Rocky that is shown at the Art Museum Steps.

I've always wanted to go, but I never had before. I decided this was the year. My friends Becca and Jami were game. We had some yummy vegan burgers at the Belgium Cafe and then headed over. It was a gorgeous night. We didn't have prime seats as you can see (the screen is that tiny rectangle) and it was a teensy bit hard to hear. But at least now I can say I've seen that movie, even if it turned out to be not terribly exciting to watch Rocky train by pounding the crap out of slabs of raw meat and hang around with his socially awkward girlfriend Adrian. But it was a fun atmosphere and during his training montage everyone was clapping and cheering. Fun times.

ugh

I went to put on my fourways and this is what happened. The button simply disappeared into the depths of the dashboard. I seriously destroy everything I touch.