...Fourth of July....

First of all, how amazing is this cake that Hayley brought home from the bakery where she works? The burger is airbrushed rice krispy treat. It was so cute we almost felt bad eating it.

So Isaac has been begging for an escape to the beach. Finally, Thursday we had nothing planned, so I thought, why not? We had swim lesson in the morning and then we got on the road. I thought leaving around 11 would ensure that we would miss traffic but it was terrible the whole way there. Evidently President Obama was in town and there was also a Phillies game. Isaac was a trooper though and once we finally got over the bridge to Jersey we found Ocean City to be quite deserted and the perfect temperature.

We made sure we had plenty of time in the water and in the sand....

Isaac was so cute. He kept saying "This is fun, but the beach is more fun with your whole family." Then we did the old get changed with a towel wrapped around you trick (well, Isaac did. Not me!)

Of course we couldn't leave Ocean City without hitting the boardwalk. We went on a few rides....

and I almost got sick on the tilt-a-whirl, a sign that I am surely becoming really old. We also got some food, although we didn't sample what seems to be the big trend this summer:

A friend of mine assures me they are "life changing" but I don't want to find out.... There were also tons of crafty stuff. I took pictures of them to tuck away in my "things-I-could-probably-make-cheaper-if-only-I-had-the-time-and-motivation" file.

And of course, what would the Jersey shore be without the T-shirts? This was one of my favorites.

It was a lovely day. Hopefully we will be able to get down there a few more times before the summer slips away....

I'm out of control...

Ugh. Isaac's dad and I have been fighting the last few days and it has really been bringing me down. Last night we had a big explosion and I am still reeling from it.

The conversation started off okay but unravelled quickly. Within 15 minutes I was straight up screaming at him at the top of my lungs. He pushes my buttons in a way that literally no one else does. I am not a confrontational person at all. I would normally bend over backward to avoid conflict or discord. But any percieved criticism from him puts me on the defense and even though he has never raised his voice to me, or even used rough language, it seems that is is only a matter of time until I have totally lost all composure with him and am screaming like a lunatic and totally out of control.

The fight was a continuation of a fight that started the day before and really is a continuation of the same old fight it feels like we have been having forever. Yesterday morning I suggested that since we obviously both feel strongly about certain things and clearly we do not communicate well with each other and we both feel the other doesn't understand our own point of view, perhaps we should see some kind of counselor that could help us work through some of the big sticking points. Of course, he refused, saying he doesn't need any help and if I would just accept the things he wants completely there wouldn't be a problem. Cause clearly THAT's worked well for the past seven years. The things we are arguing over are things that can't easily be changed or compromised on, things that are extremely important to each of us. We both have dug in our heels and feel that the other won't see things from our point of view. I feel that I am willing to compromise on certain issues, but he is not willing to compromise at all.

The one issue I have proposed a compromise on is the same old arguement over Isaac's last name. We both would like Isaac to have our last name. Currently, Isaac only has one last name, which is mine. I am willing to hyphenate so he has both of our last names. He wishes for Stephenson to be Isaac's middle name and won't hear of anything different or consider any compromise. I keep trying to explain to him that the same reasons he feels strongly about Isaac having his last name are the same reasons that I feel strongly about him keeping mine. And also, really, it's already been done and he can't make me change it. But he just keeps repeating it over and over like it's a new idea that we have never talked about before "Isaac will have my last name and Stephenson will be his middle name". Not "what if" or "how about" or "it would mean a lot to me if" just "you will do this" which of course makes me say "To hell with you, I'll do whatever I want." He can't understand why I feel just as strongly as he does that he keeps my last name as well. His attitude was just the last straw and I totally lost it and started shouting and ranting like a crazy woman. Living in a townhouse, I am sure my neighbor's heard everything. He icily said that he thought we should end the conversation now while he could still be the bigger person, before he stooped to my level. Which, I mean, is true. I would never tolerate him treating me the way I end up treating him. I concluded the conversation by screaming and hurling the phone across the room.

I am so ashamed and disappointed with myself. After we fight, I think back to the conversations and so much of what I have said was so combative and unnecessary, just me lashing out in an effort to hurt him before he hurts me. These arguments bring out the very worst side of me. I am always berating him for being over the top passive aggressive (which he is). But in a way, how can I even blame him for not want to bring issues to the table, because it is very rare that I can discuss anything in a rational way. I think I need to go to a counselor. Even if M refuses to come with me to have a neutral party be a mediator, at least maybe a counselor could give me some tips on how to handle these conversations when they do arise and give me some strategies to use or something. The level of anger that I am unloading during these arguements is scary and intense. Clearly I need a healthier way to release the emotions that are bottled up inside me.

So that's that. Ick.

The Italian Stallion

Paulie: [about Adrian] She's pushing thirty freaking years old, and if she don't wise up, she's gonna die an old maid.

Rocky: I'm thirty myself!

So Philadelphia has a huge celebration around the fourth of July with tons of free events, concerts, food, fireworks, etc. They do a few outdoor movies at different parks and one of them is Rocky that is shown at the Art Museum Steps.

I've always wanted to go, but I never had before. I decided this was the year. My friends Becca and Jami were game. We had some yummy vegan burgers at the Belgium Cafe and then headed over. It was a gorgeous night. We didn't have prime seats as you can see (the screen is that tiny rectangle) and it was a teensy bit hard to hear. But at least now I can say I've seen that movie, even if it turned out to be not terribly exciting to watch Rocky train by pounding the crap out of slabs of raw meat and hang around with his socially awkward girlfriend Adrian. But it was a fun atmosphere and during his training montage everyone was clapping and cheering. Fun times.

ugh

I went to put on my fourways and this is what happened. The button simply disappeared into the depths of the dashboard. I seriously destroy everything I touch.

Some randoms

• I was looking for one of those refreezable icepacks the other day and decided to check in Isaac's lunchbox. One was in there, along with a greenish grayish old wilted turkey sandwich in his sandwich container. I definitely almost vomited.

• Isaac heard "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul on the radio the other day and said "Who is this? The Beatles?" He's also been listening to KC and the Sunshine Band's "That's the Way I Like It" repeatedly... which is getting old. I liked his Michael Jackson obsession better.

• Speaking of music... I'm loving this song. And Megan Tonjes does a great cover of it:

(Go ahead and click it. Give it a listen while you are reading.)

• Isaac spent the night at my parent's house Friday while I went to the concert, and when I went to pick him up the four of us went to see Cars 2. Wow was I disappointed. Isaac enjoyed it well enough, but I was a little shocked at how violent it was. It was a little disconcerting to see Mater outfitted with a machine gun trying to "kill" other cars in a shootout. But don't tell that to Joe-- he will just remind that you DISNEY/PIXAR movies might not be suitable for kids (????).

• I've been reading a ton lately. I read the first of the books in the Hunger Games. I need to read the next ones ASAP! I've also been working my through Jennifer Weiner. Her books fall more into the "beach reads" category, but they are well written and they are set in my favorite city-- Philadelphia and it's fun to hear all of her references to local neighborhoods, streets, restaurants, etc. Feel free to leave recommendations. One of my to-dos this week is to pay my library fines so I can put in some more requests.

• I'm finally getting into the groove of summer vacation. This is the first summer that I haven't really worked at all and also that Isaac hasn't been enrolled at least part-time in some kind of childcare. The first week was extremely overwhelming. I know it sounds super-lame to complain about, but day after day of being home with nothing to do except housework was so overwhelming. I was kind of having a breakdown and I didn't think I could make it to the end of the summer. I've said it before, but even if I was a bazillionaire I could never be a stay at home mom. I would slide into a serious depression. At any rate, this week I made a point to fill up my calendar a bit more. Isaac and I both did the dentist (both cavity free!), I scheduled a consult with the oral surgeon, a physical, a hair appointment and an eye exam, as well as some play-dates for Isaac and some girlfriend time for me. I definitely feel like things are a bit more doable now and that I can make it to the end of summer without having a nervous fit.

• Isaac is doing a few soccer camps as well as swim lessons for the summer. I enrolled him for a group class at our local YMCA, except that for the first two weeks there were no other kids in his class, so he got a private lesson for the price of a group lesson. His teacher has asked me to move him up to the next level though, which is good. The first week he got all weird and would barely participate. He did a lot better the second week though, and by the end of the class was diving and swimming the length of the pool. Growing up, my parents always had all of us kids in swim lessons and I think it's really important for kids to feel confident in the water.

• We also did another trek out to one of my VERY favorite spots in the city Smith Memorial Playground. If you've never been and live in the Philly area, check it out. It's amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing and it's free! Also, for the summer months they have extended hours. It's a great way to fill a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

• I really miss my sister. It has been nearly a year since I have seen her, which is really just unacceptable. I'm so counting down the days to our beach trip when she comes home.

Well, that's all for now, since I just realized it's nearly one in the morning. Oops. Feel free to leave a comment. I see so many random people on my feedtracker and would love to know who is lurking. =)

Caravan

(ignore the random "Friday" text in the upper left corner... I can't seem to undo that)

So old college boyfriend did give me a ticket to go with him to see the Dave Matthews Band Caravan in Atlantic City. And his free tickets turned out to be VIP passes. That meant we got a great spot to stand, dinner in a fancy tent and VIP bathrooms. He was a bit blase about the whole thing, but I thought it was great. It was a really fun night, even though I didn't take too many pictures. My feet ended up being so filthy that it took about four showers to get them clean (and the shoes I think are just a lost cause)....

Summer isn't summer without a few outdoor concerts, so hopefully that won't be the last.