Twilight Cliff's Notes

I saw this on a friends facebook page and I laughed so hard I had to share it. Twilight in less than 500 pages Scene 1 BELLA: I'm sad to leave the horrible, uninhabitable wasteland of Phoenix to live in a rain-soaked town full of country people that do not understand my city ways. I wish everything about my comfortable and privileged life were completely different! DAD: Hi, Bella! Welcome to Forks, Washington. I'm glad you've stopped playing mother to your own flighty, irresponsible mom and come here to be my mother instead. BELLA: It will be my pleasure to cook and clean for you. DAD: I bought you an old truck from an Indian in a wheelchair! BELLA: I .... have no response for that. ******* Scene 2 BELLA: It's tough being the new kid in school! Especially when everyone is so friendly and helpful and interested in me. Why can't they just leave me alone so I can sit in the corner and be left alone to pout? CLASSMATE: You're awesome Bella! BELLA: See what I have to put up with? Hey-- who are those hot people over there? CLASSMATE: Those are the Cullens. They avoid direct sunlight, they don't eat food, they sleep in coffins in a graveyard, and holy water burns them. I think they're Canadians. BELLA: They sure are spectacularly gorgeous. CLASSMATE: Yes, they are. BELLA: I mean seriously, those people are BEAUTIFUL. Especially the one who keeps looking at me. Man alive, that guy is stunning. I mean, wow. He is hot buttered seduction on a stick. I mean, LOOK AT HIM! If you don't mind, I'd like to spend the next 75 pages talking exclusively about how attractive he is and then bring it up again every paragraph or so for the remaining 400 pages. CLASSMATE: Knock yourself out. ****** Scene 3 EDWARD: Hi, I'm Edward. I'm every girl's fantasy boyfriend: moody, humorless, violent, capable of snapping your spine with my bare hands, liable to do creepy things like watch you while you're sleeping, but also really cute. BELLA: There is something strange about you. EDWARD: (recoils at her garlic breath) I don't know what you mean. BELLA: I just can't put my finger in what it is. EDWARD: (lifts automobile with one hand) You're imagining things. BELLA: I feel like you're hiding something from me. EDWARD: (grabs passing rabbit with lightning speed; drinks rabbit's blood) Don't be silly! BELLA: It's like you're different somehow. EDWARD: (turns into a bat, flies away) BELLA: Hmmm. I bet he's foreign. ****** Scene 4 JACOB: You should be careful with those Cullens. Many moons ago, our tribe's elders, who were werewolves, made a pact with the Cullens, who are vampires. They're not allowed on our land, not even at our casinos. BELLA: What, still? Even after all this time has passed? JACOB: Nope BELLA: Since when do white people honor treaties with Indians? JACOB: I know, right? BELLA: Let me guess-- you're a character whose only job is to provide exposition, and you won't be useful until the next book. JACOB: Yes. At the earliest. ****** Scene 5 BELLA: Thanks for saving me from that mob of guys who attacked me in the street! It's a good thing you obsessively stalk me while simultaneously insisting you want nothing to do with me. EDWARD: No problem. If anyone's going to tear you limb from limb and gorge themselves on your sweet, delicious, life-giving blood, it's going to be me. BELLA: Aw, you say the nicest things! I'm pretty sure you're a vampire, that I'm in love with you and that part of you wants to kill me. EDWARD: Don't be silly. It's not just part of me. BELLA: HA HA HA!! You're so funny! ****** Scene 6 EDWARD: You know what vampires love? Baseball! BELLA: Really? EDWARD: Sure! Haven't you ever heard of vampire bats? >crickets< EDWARD: Anyhoo, these are the vampire friends I live with, the Cullens. They've been very eager to eat you. BELLA: You mean meet me? EDWARD: Meet you. What did I say? ALICE: I'm Alice! I can see the future, but only when it's useful to the plot. For example, right now: Look out for those mean vampires barging in from the forest! MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell the blood of a human! EDWARD: Stay away from her! Bella, you'd better go. I don't want you to have to see me fight this guy for your honor, our muscles straining as we grapple, the air thick with testosterone and the sounds of our throaty snarling. BELLA: Right! I wouldn't want to see that! Especially not if your shirts got torn off! ****** Scene 7 MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: You puny humans are so predictable and weak. Now I've got you alone, free to toy with you and torture you and deliver lengthy explanatory monologues to you! I just hope I don't waste so much time that when I finally do decide to kill you it's too late because Edward and the Cullens have arrived to save you! BELLA: That would certainly be an unusual twist! MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Never mind! At last it is time for me to-- EDWARD: Not so fast, Count Jerkula! MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Edward! And the Cullens! Who could have forseen your perfectly timed arrival?! ALICE: I could have! Didn't, but could have! (Fighting ensues. MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES is vanquished.) EDWARD: Bella! Are you OK? He bit you! I've got to suck out the vampire poison! BELLA: Edward, you don't have to make up excuses to suck my blood. I mean honestly, who ever heard of "vampire poison"? EDWARD: I'm serious! It's coursing through your veins as we speak! BELLA: Uh-huh, whatever you say. ****** Scene 8 BELLA: Why did you bring me to the prom, Edward? You know I can't dance, and that I hate it when people tell me I'm beautiful, which happens all the time. EDWARD: I don't want your dangerous psychological infatuation with a vampire to interfere with your regular life. BELLA: But I want to BE a vampire! I want you to do it to me. EDWARD: You're sure you want to be a vampire? BELLA: Yes. EDWARD: Well, how about if I press my lips against your throat in an ambiguous way, just enough to ensure that readers come back for the sequel? BELLA: It's a deal (Fade to black; roll credits; send in ushers to mop up the audience's tears and drool.)

Warning: Difficult Parent on the Loose

Maybe it's because I now teach kindergarteners.

Maybe it is because of all of the research I read when completely my master's about the importance of early education/early intervention.

Maybe it's just luck because the daycare/preschool that I chose because it happened to be .2 miles from my parent's house is pretty much an excellent preschool in absolutely every way and now nothing will compare. (Bright Horizons in Oaks, if you were wondering; I whole heartedly recommend it from the prespective of a parent and a kindergarten teacher).

Maybe it's because I do hold onto a tiny bit of the mormon guilt for not being a stay at home mom and not being one of those women in relief society who prides herself on eating catfood so she can be a stay at home mom and not send her kid to an evil daycare.

ANYWAYS, I have come to the realization that I am officially a difficult parent that is obsessed with academics. The way the cards have fallen with job changes and commutes, this is the fourth time I have had to locate a good childcare facility, so I know the drill. But this is so much different than finding a place when Isaac was a baby or when Isaac was 2. I think I surprised both of the directors this morning with all of the questions I was firing at them. But let me rewind.

Currently I am commuting 2 hours a day to drive back and forth to Oaks to drop Isaac to preschool. Next week I finish summer school and Isaac finishes preschool and I have until August 25th to find him a new preschool closer to home.

I visited two today, niether one compares to his current school but one was a good possibility. It was NAEYC accredited (only 7% of childcare centers in the country meet the rigorous standards required to earn that accredation), the teachers have each been there 5 plus years, they post their lesson plans which are aligned to early childhood state standards, they are doing academic work, they have a good relationship with Pottstown School District, where they work closely with the Pre-K programs run in the elementary schools. They are also inclusive for kids with special needs, as I noticed a lot of supports for a student with autism in the pre-k classroom and that is important to me too. It was the Kindercare in Pottstown if you know anything about it feel free to give me feedback.

The other was terrible (Goddard School on High Street) and I ended up getting into a little with the owner who became quite defensive about his little franchise/business venture. He really didn't stand a chance with me when he started off the tour by telling me how he owned the place but he was more concerned with unclogging toilets than academics and how he left that to the directors niether of whom was there. He did his best to fill me in on the academic programs but we both knew he didn't have a clue what he was talking about. It was small and cramped and just not a place I wanted to send my kid.

Anyways, it all clicked when he said "We were voted Best Childcare Facility in Pottstown for the past three years in the Pottstown Mercury". And I countered that I wasn't looking for good child care, I'm looking for a good preschool that can keep him for three full days a week. And suddenly I realized - I'm a difficult parent. I'm obsessed with academics in a way I neve was before when I was looking at toddler classrooms.

And, I don't think that's a bad thing.

Who would have thought?

Some (long overdue) shots of the new place...

Back of the house... note the drop off of death from my kitchen doors.

Upstairs bathroom

My closet

"Basement". It's above ground. There is a washer and dryer down there too.

Entryway

Powder room

Living room

Fancy free TV

Kitchen

Messy kitchen

Drop off of death.

My room.

My room (and own entrance into the bathroom)

Isaac's room

I once read an article in a scrapbooking magazine that said when you take a picture of a THING make sure you have a pitcure of a person in it too. So that is why Isaac is in nearly every shot.

As you can see there is a still a fair amount of unpacking to do. I didn't even show the shots of the third bedroom where all of the crap is thrown. I love living here though.

Quickly

http://www.slacker.com/ <--- free radio. Good stuff. Happies

• I bit the bullet and bought a new camera. Pictures of my new house to come shortly.
• I LOVE MY NEW PLACE!
• Schoooooooooooooooooool's out for summer!!!

Crappies

• My development has so much loose mud everywhere as there is still a ton of construction going on. Combine that with rain nearly every day and that equals tons and tons of tracked in mud. Add that to the new carpeting which sheds like crazy and I feel like I am spending my whole life vacuuming and mopping.
• I am in a computer training right now (an induction requirement for school). Also, I got a whopping one day off before I had to come in and set up for ESY (Extended School Year) which rolled out Monday. I am sure I will love the money but man, it is rough to have no time off.

Pretty much why I haven't blogged in ages...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6ujADXp0dM Maintaining a house with a toddler all alone is exhausting!

Update

Well we have been moved into the new place for a week. Everything with settlement went great. In the mean time I have been dropping money like crazy trying to get the new place outfitted with the essentials. And when I am not spending money I am stuck somewhere in the never ending cycle of packing up my car with boxes, driving them to Pottstown, unloading them, hauling them up two flights of stairs to my new place, unpacking, hauling empty boxes back to the parents place. It's exhausting!! I will try to take some pictures of the new place soon if I can borrow someone's camera. It is coming together slowly but surely. We were supposed to tackle my garden this afternoon but it has been postponed two weeks. I do not fele horribly domestic yet, although I did turn on my oven for the first time today. I made english muffin pizzas for lunch. Isaac adjusted insanely quickly and he loves giving tours of the new place. I still feel like we are living in a hotel. It is still missing a lot of the homey touches right now. Also it has been a big adjustment getting used to living alone with Isaac. I miss chatting with my parents in the evenings. Anyways, things are well. The internet is finally up and running at my new place. The cupboards are full and the beds are warm, so I certainly can't complain. Oh and the last day of school is Wednesday!!

This photo from the White House Flickr account shows a young boy rubbing President Barack Obama’s head. Reportedly, “The youngster wanted to see if the President’s haircut felt like his own.”

Having a self-identified black man in the White House matters. Yes, it does.