I do feel better today

I am a person of extremes. I'm black or I'm white. I'm wonderful or I'm miserable. Today, I feel better. Speaking of extremes in parenting -- enjoy this: Hammer time for cell phone used to run up $5K bill 6 hours ago CHEYENNE, Wyo. — A cell phone used by a Wyoming 13-year-old to run up a nearly $5,000 phone bill will text no more thanks to her angry father and his hammer. Dena Christoffersen of Cheyenne sent or received about 20,000 text messages over about a month, and her parents' phone plan didn't cover texting. Gregg Christoffersen told KUSA-TV of Denver this week that he thought texting had been disabled on her daughter's phone, which he smashed hours after getting a phone bill for more than $4,750. The family said Verizon has been willing to knock the bill down to a reasonable level. Dena has been grounded until the end of school. She said she feels bad and has learned her lesson. ___

Bad mommy! Bad mommy!

Well that is what I get for blogging about the wonderfulness of preschoolers. I should have touched wood. Background: My parents are out of town for several days. I am off of school for several days. Isaac and I had a fun day together. We really, really did. But... To put it bluntly, it takes it tolls on you being the only person capable of fulfilling Isaac's many, many, many needs. And in a few short weeks this will be everyday forever life once we move out. And that really freaks me out to the point that I am getting started getting panicky and welling up with tears whenever I really start to think about how broke and alone and isolated I will be with no one who is over the age of four to converse with on a regular basis. I know motherhood is noble and all that but sometimes it just feels so thankless. "Thanks mom, for cleaning up that pee puddle in front of the toilet for 30th time today." "Thanks mom, for making me ten different things for dinner, although I refused all of them. Thanks for trying to make sure I eat something remotely nutritious today." "Thanks mom, for picking up the 800 pieces of train track up for the 40th time today while I was busy turning over a potted plant in the dining room." Isn't that an awful way to feel? It just makes me feel guilty that I can deal with other people's difficult children all day long at work, but more than 36 hours of being all alone with my own child leaves me ready to tear out my hair. I really don't know how stay at home mom's do it. My hat seriously, seriously goes off to you. Here's another deep dark confession (while I am airing out dirty laundry): although it was horrendously difficult and guilt inducing to leave Isaac at a daycare center at ten weeks old, a tiny part of me was excited, because it made me feel like I could be a real person to leave the house and go to work again after living in my pajamas for 2 plus months.... I know, I'm going straight to hell. And I know, most people think my child will be psychologically damaged as a result of going to daycare at such a young age (not that it was in any way optional at that point in my life). I think I must be missing the Mormon gene that helps you view the drudgery and isolation of motherhood as something to be cherished and put on a pedestal. If this was my life day after day, after day, I would honestly be clinically depressed. I'm only speakly for myself. I don't think other women should feel the same as me; I'm not on some anti-stay at home mom soapbox. I am just being honest about my own situation. I guess that is the sanity saving thing about single parenthood going hand in hand with the need to work like crazy to pay for everything that two people need. Although juggling single parenthood with a (highly stressful and time consuming) job is a precarious balancing act that one can never come close to mastering, at least it creates an opportunity for adult interaction and the chance to get out of the house for a bit. That is why it rubs me the wrong way to sit in Relief Society (Mormon women's organization) and hear someone say that they are "basically a single mom" while their husband is studying hard for dental school finals/working long hours at a well paying job/away frequently on business trips. No. You are NOT basically a single mom. Because sooner or later you have someone by your side again who is just as invested as you are in raising your little one. Who is sitting beside you in bed. Who is (most likely) working to put food on your table and paying your bills. Who probably talks and converses with you a couple of times a day. Who might occasionally watch your children while you do something fun. (EDITED TO ADD - exceptions would be wives of men in the military. I do not object to someone refering to herself that way while her husband is deployed) I guess that is the hardest thing about motherhood for me-- it's so isolating. Although I have an amazing family who have given me immeasurable support in raising Isaac, I just feel so alone. It's very hard to relate to the girls my age with kids who are happily married. It's hard to relate to my single friends who have tons of money and are able to live a life that involves spontanaeity. Sometimes I really just feel like I am all alone on my own little island with no one out there who understands me or is like me. Well, I am not entirely sure who reads this blog anyways. If anyone does and you made it through this monster of a post, I am sure I have both horrified and offended you. But I don't apoligize. It is my blog after all. And I am sure I will feel better tomorrow when Grandma returns. =)

Happies and Crappies 4/9

HAPPIES

• I am officially on spring break! Wahoo!! I have today, tomorrow, and Monday off. It is much needed. Isaac and I have big plans for today. Bounce U-- here we come!
• My neighbor across the street dropped by with another goody bag. She has two boys who are just older than Isaac and she always sends over their outgrown clothes/shoes. Yesterdays bag featured four brand new church shirts (two white, one yellow and one red) and adorable Eagles track suit, two pairs of sandals, three pairs of dress shoes and several pairs of shorts, among other things. Everything she sends over is gently used or new with tags still and brand names that I would never splurge for. Never stained or worn. I am so lucky-- she has pretty much outfitted Isaac since he was born.
• I am loving Isaac as a preschooler. He is so verbal and has so many interests. I have been blog reading some mom's of toddlers/infants and I am so happy we the phase of life we are in now. It just seems less stressful. Although, my life is a lot simpler now that I am done school and decently employed, so who knows if it was Isaac or me or both? Anyways; gone are diaper changes, perpetuually smelling like spit up, sleepless nights, the hours spent trying to coax him down for a nap so I could have an uninterupted shower, and tearful sacrameet meetings (his tears and mine). Isaac was so destructive as a toddler it was just exhausting. So anyways, I guess that is just my testiment to those who are in the thick of it-- hang in there, it will be over soon. And preschoolers are so much fun!
• The new house (what Isaac and I refer to as "our little house") is being framed and hopefully towards the end of next week there will be a roof in. That is exciting because it means that weather will no longer be such a huge factor in how much work can be done in a given week.
• Spring is springing!!! It's chilly but lovely out! Things are flowering and starting to be green.
• Hopefully I am getting a hair cut tomorrow. I am going to get a bit taken off. I never, ever bother to do anything nice to my hair anyways, so I may as well lose some of it.

CRAPPIES

• I have Monday off from school but I have been called in for jury duty. Ick.
• Isaac is officially outgrowing some of his 4t stuff which puts him *gulp* in the little boys department. It's a whole new world over there... He's growing up.
• I had to call out of work Tuesday. Monday I woke up feeling really icky but managed to make it through a day of work (barely). The worst part was we had someone coming to see the house Monday night so when all I wanted to be doing was dying under the covers in bed I had to be out at a pizza parlor and running errands to be out of the house. Tuesday I stayed in bed pretty much the whole day. Fortuneatly, I am feeling much better now.
• My parents are in Lancaster for a few days house hunting which means I have to be in charge of getting the house spic and span if we recieve the call that it will be shown. Kind of overwhelming. I will be in the family room picking up all of the toys only to discover Isaac is upstair dumping laundry baskets full of clothes everywhere to make a playhouse.... Ugh. I will be so happy when this whole process is over.
• We have been watching way, way, way too much TV here lately. It's ridiculous and needs to stop.
• I have been breaking out like CRAZY which I just don't get. I am 27 years old. What.the.heck.
• I have a to do list a mile long... I better get off the computer and get started on it...

I think I'm in love...

with this man...

No good deed goes unpunished

So I was lazily reading blogs over the weekend and I came across this blog with the cute little pumpkin treats for teacher appreciation week. Now, I am not niave enough to expect anything for teacher appreciation week. All I got for Christmas was a horribly nasty phone message. But Isaac has two wonderful and devoted preschool teachers who definitely need to be recognized. And while I don't think I can make a cute stamped box like the one featured, I thought I ought to be able to whip up some pumpkin bread and do something cute with packaging. And, in light of my new quest for domesticity, I decided I would NOT get a pumpkin bread mix, but I would make it from scratch. Now, Cathee and Christi I am not, but I thought I could manage pumpkin bread. So I bought the ingredients yesterday but decided I would wait until today to bake them. Well around 9ish I figured I should stop nodding off to Lita videos and get cracking. I forgot that bread takes a lot longer than cookies to make. Like, six times as long. Whoops. Then I realized we didn't have enough flour, so I had to run out to the store and buy more. Whoops. And now I sit and wait. And hopefully not burn anything...

Wow

This shaving cream smells amazing!

confessions

As much as I enjoy my every other Friday night to myself.... There is something very sad about returning home, and knowing Isaac isn't asleep in his room. I miss him when he is at his dad's.